Radio_Religion Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Hi, First time poster here. To preface a little bit about myself, I have had a few "serious" relationships in my life and have experienced that soul crushing heartbreak that comes from being dumped by someone you love. A lot of my dating frustrations in the past have centered around being rejected over what I perceived as being superficial/shallow things (i.e. physical appearance) However through all this, I’ve developed fairly thick skin and have enjoyed a few great relationships over the years. I'm writing today because I am stuck a crossroads in current my relationship and have no idea how to proceed from this point. In short, I met her online about two years ago and we hit it off almost immediately. She was a highly intelligent and easy going person whom I absolutely loved spending time with. Very early on into our relationship, she informed me that she was a virgin and had never had a serious relationship before. I didn't put too much weight into this as I felt like things were going really well. We took our time letting this relationship grow and it got to a point where I’ve never felt as comfortable being with her as I have anyone else. She absolutely adores me as well and is by far the most caring and considerate person I’ve ever known. Due to her former roommates’ suddenly moving away, she needed a place to live and we collectively decided to get a small apartment together. I will admit, this was more out of convenience/necessity rather than a strong urge to be together 24/7. The thing that has placed me at this pain staking crossroads is, I’m not sure I want to keep this relationship going anymore. As painful as it is for me to even think this way, I don’t feel sexually attracted to her and it’s begun to show in our relationship. In my belief of “its what’s on the inside that counts”, I pushed aside some of the smaller things that I didn’t find attractive about her because… we get along perfectly and she treats me better than anyone ever has. The honest truth is… her general lack of confidence and meek demeanor, has eroded any real sexual desire I have for her; and its tearing me up inside. When we first started dating, I noticed some “small” things about her that I didn’t find physically appealing; but I dealt with because I didn’t want to be shallow. For example, she does not dress well which in turns makes her look much younger than she is (27). She is also extremely quiet and reserved outside the home which at times has made it feel like I’m with a child whose afraid to speak to grown ups. To top off my frustration, the sex we have has been “ok” at best; but to her, its mind blowing and the best thing on earth. We share so many things in common and can both enjoy just spending time together, regardless of what it is we’re actually doing (i.e. watching tv, random walks around the park, etc.) I’ve struggled immensely over the past few weeks with this internal conflict. Part of me feels extremely guilty even questioning my relationship with someone who has been as great to me as she has. However the other side of me wonders if it might not be better for the both of us to part ways. More and more I catch myself day dreaming about past gf’s and sexual relationships. When we’re out in public together, I’ve found myself eying other women, wishing I could be with them; and to clarify, I know its normal to find other women attractive, but this is to the point where I genuinely want to be with other girls. This feels so terribly hypocritical of me. My parents always preached a “Ya get what you get” type of mentality to me and always challenged me to “look deeply at yourself” before criticizing someone else. I shared some of these thoughts with my dad who in turn stated “What, you think you’re gonna get some kind of model?” He also scolded me for knowing how it feels to have my heart broken and asked why I’d do that to someone else. I also have a deep fear that I might immediately regret the decision to end things and realize that I might be making the biggest mistake of my life. I’d also be lying if didn’t acknowledge the fact that the idea of being alone again does scare me quite a bit given my introverted nature (I’m way more of a homebody type). I had a talk with her last week due to the fact that I haven’t initiated sex for a period of time. I let her know that I was having some anxiety issues and that I needed some time to work things out. This was extremely painful for her to hear as she began to cry her eyes out and proceeded to tell me how much she loved me and that I was the best thing that ever happened to her in her entire life. This felt like a knife to the heart for me. The idea of hurting someone I love felt worse than anything. The feelings of guilt just washed over me as I saw the girl I love cry; I felt like I wanted to hold her tight and reassure her that everything would be ok. For those of you who have been in similar experiences, should I accept the fact that I’m with a the greatest girlfriend I’ve ever had, and just learn to deal with the lack of sexual chemistry we have? Or should I take the huge risk of ending this relationship in pursuit of something better down the road? Any insight or thoughts are greatly appreciated. Thanks, Radio P.S. For those of you who lived together and either broke up or went through a "rough patch", how did you handle things?
smackie9 Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Dude it is what it is. You both made mistakes here. You jumped into a common law relationship before you actually got to know one another....you totally missed a step. She has zero experience in how to deal with relationships, never experienced heartbreak, or having different sexual experiences. She has no concept that sex and love are two different things. She is living in a fairy tale existence. She's 27 years old for f uck sakes, and a virgin...this spells no confidence, no maturity, is clueless. No matter what you do she is going to act like a damn child. You can't make her into someone you desire and respect. It's obvious she isn't a suitable partner on a intellectual/sexual level. Having her live with you was damn stupid. It's going to be real difficult to get her on her way. Sorry but the only regret you are going to have is moving in/committing before doing a thorough test drive.
Author Radio_Religion Posted January 4, 2016 Author Posted January 4, 2016 To be fair, when we decided to move in, a part of me felt like it I understood things better than I actually did. Do i look back at it and feel stupid now? Sometimes yes. But I can't change the past so I have to deal with the here and now. Your second paragraph is the part that kills me inside. She's so sweet, kind, loving, etc. but those things combined with the lack of confidence are what led me to this feeling of friendship rather than romantic interest. I'm at loss though, if i tell her I don't want to keep this relationship going, what the hell do we do about living together? That's an even bigger hurdle for me sadly.
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