despgirl Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Hi everyone. I’ve been lurking on this website for a long time, but first time posting anything. I would really like to share my story and hear your opinions. I realize I may not like what you have to say, but I feel I need this to get clarity and possibly end the situation I’m in. I’ve known my ex-boyfriend for 7 years. We’ve been on and off the entire time, I do not even remember the amount of times we’ve breaken up. Our problems stem from the fact that he has had a hard time committing to me, but I also have done my share to push him away (I am very sensitive and emotional and I must admit I’ve thrown my share of tantrums/been needy and very clingy at times, etc). It seems like we are a mismatch in the sense that although we are compatible in many ways (great friendship, great sex, sense of humor, intellect, etc), I am way too emotional and sensitive and he is just a really rational guy who is not in touch with his feelings at all. Last time we broke up was 3 years ago. I was deeply hurt (he dumped me because he didn’t love me anymore – we were long distance and were having many problems stemming from his commitment phobia and not meeting my needs at that time). I blocked him on all communication means and moved on. 5 months after we reconnected as friends but did not see each other due to me living in another city. A few months after I moved back to my city (where he also lives) and we met up and hooked up. Long story short, we’ve been very back and forth since. He rarely initiates contact, asks me out, and basically keeps very passive. I am the one doing all the work, and he just does not want to get emotionally invested in this. He has admitted to me several times that deep down he is afraid of being vulnerable and getting hurt (admitting that all the times we have broken up he was heartbroken too). I have a hard time letting him go, because I care about him so much and also consider him as a good friend, so whenever we are out of each other’s lives it is like some huge part of me is missing. I recently told him that I want to see him more often and he has agreed to it, but I want HIM to take the initiative to see me and he is as passive as he was before that talk. I want us to be exclusive but he says he is not ready and that exclusivity should come naturally and not be forced upon the other person as I am doing with him. Problem is, with our past it is hard for me to ‘start all over’ and take it slow, because of all the feelings involved. And he is the opposite, he just wants to take it slow and continue seeing each other until his feelings reappear, which is not a given fact. All of this makes me so anxious and I feel stuck. I want to leave him, but after a few days of no contact I reach out to him again because I want to see him. I’ve tried blocking him, not contacting him, trying to convince him to give us a shot ‘for real’, and nothing seems to work. I am trying to work on myself and have a therapist. It just seems like I am in a rut and do not know how to get out of it. What do you guys think I should do? Give him an ultimatum? Just block him out of my life with no explanation? Withdraw from him but keep in touch when he contacts me? Leave him alone and give him space and let him get around on his own terms? Thanks in advance for your advices and points of opinion!
ExpatInItaly Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Just end it once and for all. You two are clearly not compatible. Don't waste another 7 years on this. He's not all that interested in you anymore, girl. He's not taking initiative because he doesn't want to. Really. Move on to someone who actually wants to commit to you, OP. He doesn't. He's showing and telling you that. He's not The One. For what it's worth, I was with an ex for 7.5 years. You can't see yourself without him, and you can't envision life without him in it, but I promise it can happen. I'm proof of that. 2
Gaeta Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 You got 7 more years to waste? How old are you? Don't you have any better plans for yourself than to waste time on someone using you as a filler when he has nothing else better going on? You need to treat him like an addiction. Block him, delete, ignore. It will be hard but you push through it and you make it happen. Get out there and date and meet other men. Get busy with something you're passionate about. 3
lilmissjava Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 7 years... You just got used to each other. No contact and move on. Again. 3
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Hi everyone. I’ve been lurking on this website for a long time, but first time posting anything. <snip> What do you guys think I should do? Give him an ultimatum? Just block him out of my life with no explanation? Withdraw from him but keep in touch when he contacts me? Leave him alone and give him space and let him get around on his own terms? I am a part-time Dog behaviourist, and this is what I advise my clients: "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get, what you always got." Or as is commonly outlined on this forum: "Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, expecting a different result." You have both achieved, in 7 years, a state of complacent co-dependency. Break the mould. Quit. And start being self-dependent. Because nobody should hang their expectations of happiness and fulfilment onto the shoulders of someone else. He has no obligation to conform to your requirements, and if he doesn't, you have no right to either expect or request it. Move on, do yourself a favour, and finish this. Step out of the vicious circle, for goodness' sake, and stop self-destructing. 6
xcupid Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 I think it's time to move on and stop wasting your time with someone who won't commit. 1
thecrucible Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 I think you need to give yourself space and finish this chapter of your life once and for all. If it didn't work before, why would it work now? Perhaps accept that you had something with each other and you loved each other but your differences are too much to make it work. 2
smackie9 Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 You need to make more of an effort to free yourself of him by working more closely with your therapist. If it`s not working for you don`t give up, just find another therapist. TBH you can`t let go because you have abandonment issues that need to be addressed. This why you keep going back.
Author despgirl Posted January 4, 2016 Author Posted January 4, 2016 You need to make more of an effort to free yourself of him by working more closely with your therapist. If it`s not working for you don`t give up, just find another therapist. TBH you can`t let go because you have abandonment issues that need to be addressed. This why you keep going back. You are right about abandonment issues - and I am happy with my therapist, it just takes time. Thanks everyone for your honest replies. I am not surprised at all about these reactions as I can see myself how ridiculous this is. I am getting to a place where I am about to be ready to move on. Last time we saw each other was when he said we could see each other more often and he promised to take more initiative, and if I don't hear from him within the next few days to arrange the next date, I will block him. Do you think I should write him a good bye email or just cut him out? What I don't understand is why he keeps replying me, seeing me, and caring about me, if he is not that interested. Normally it is not a problem for a man to ghost you out, and let it fade but he reaches out to me too (not as often as I want him to but still). I mean, why not just let me go? Is that the co-dependency thing? I am 31,btw. So yes, I'm too old for this ****. I want to be happy, I want to find someone who will appreciate me, I want to me in a happy relationship. But on the other hand, it seems like I am addicted to this pain and not knowing what's going on and suffering :/
Toodaloo Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 Just cut him off. Don't bother with good byes etc. There is no need. You have already done that loads over the years so why bother again? He doesn't want you, you are miserable with him. Concentrate on getting yourself into a good place on your own. That way if you do get dumped in the future it doesn't matter because you are perfectly capable by yourself. Sometimes getting dumped is a good thing. Just learn to let go and move on. 1
Buddhist Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 If he was going to come around it would have happened already. You're driving yourself crazy by keeping hope alive and also thinking that if you just change your behaviour he will suddenly commit to you. Which is not likely to happen at all. Meanwhile you're wasting years of you life you could be in a proper relationship with someone else. It hasn't been 7 months, honey. It's been 7 years! Move on. You don't really miss him, you're just afraid to be alone and its easy to draw him back into your life, far easier than toughing out your loneliness. 2
Maggie4 Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 Since he rarely initiates contact, we can conclude you don't make him happy. That being the case, you should let him go.
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 You are right about abandonment issues - and I am happy with my therapist, it just takes time. It also takes a real personal desire to improve. Please don't think I am saying this is your case, but many people forget that therapists are not mere sounding boards, or there to provide cures, remedies and solutions. All of that is up to the client. The therapist is a guide, not a healer. despgirl, As long as you do the work, and you know you are making progress for yourself, and are not becoming dependent on your therapist (I say this because your issues focus on abandonment, and therefore dependency) I would say you should take your time. IF you know for sure, it's working for you, and not simply a crutch-transfer. Thanks everyone for your honest replies. I am not surprised at all about these reactions as I can see myself how ridiculous this is. I am ready to move on. Fixed that for you.... Last time we saw each other was when he said we could see each other more often and he promised to take more initiative, and if I don't hear from him within the next few days to arrange the next date, I will block him. Don't waste any more time. What are you clinging on to? What possible reason can you give to delay further? Do you think I should write him a good bye email or just cut him out? The latter. He won't notice for a week or so.... What I don't understand is why he keeps replying me, seeing me, and caring about me, if he is not that interested. Normally it is not a problem for a man to ghost you out, and let it fade but he reaches out to me too (not as often as I want him to but still). I mean, why not just let me go? Is that the co-dependency thing? Yes, and you fill a hole. When he needs to have your attention, and have his ego stroked, he will reach out. In any relationship, you have active-passive roles. He's active when he wants you around, and passive when it comes to committing to building the relationship. You're Active when it comes to needing attention and being dependent, and passive when you see him, are with him and are content to be at his beck and call.... I am 31,btw. So yes, I'm too old for this ****. I want to be happy, I want to find someone who will appreciate me, I want to me in a happy relationship. And this one is not it. So you can leave now - right now - because it never will be, and you're wasting your time. You deserve more, and better. But on the other hand, it seems like I am addicted to this pain and not knowing what's going on and suffering If you have discussed this very matter - the crux of your issue - with your therapist, what did s/he say? How are you resolving this particular problem? 1
BlackHat Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 What do you guys think I should do? Give him an ultimatum? Just block him out of my life with no explanation? Withdraw from him but keep in touch when he contacts me? Leave him alone and give him space and let him get around on his own terms? Thanks in advance for your advices and points of opinion! You are funny. Let's see. You come to him without the need of him moving a finger. He is clearly not interested at you yet you push to the point that I can already see you shopping for wedding rings, placing it on his shirt, taking it out, and then acting surprised and saying "yes yes yes". Come on, please, stop forcing him to be someone he is not. He does not want to commit, so go find someone who does. 1
Gaeta Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 (edited) If you have discussed this very matter - the crux of your issue - with your therapist, what did s/he say? How are you resolving this particular problem? Therapist can't do much. They just sit there, listen, and tell you where you are in the long list of dysfunctions. They rarely give you tools to move on from the problem that is why you end up going in therapy for years and years. If she wants tools to move on she needs a support group. This is where the action is. OP reminds me of a close friend of mine. She stayed addicted to her ex for years and years. She'd go in therapy on weekly basis and it was a waste of time and money. She finally moved on on her own after 4 years and the 100 times he used her. Soon OP will turn 35, then 40 and she'll find herself still in this sh$tty situation and she'll panic, she'll realize she'll end up alone if she doesn't get her act together, she then will. Edited January 4, 2016 by Gaeta 1
Author despgirl Posted January 4, 2016 Author Posted January 4, 2016 Thanks again for the tough love. What is holding me back from blocking him right now? The truth is, I can't help but wonder that maybe if I gave him space and let him come around on his own time, without pushing for a relationship, that maybe he would come around. This little hope makes it difficult for me to cut him out now. I want to be 100% sure that this is hopeless. Thing is, last time we got back together after being apart for 6months, we also started as friends with benefits. At that time, I was the one who was hesitating and holding back due to my own fears. In the end, feelings developed and we fell back in love. The relationship lasted for 1,5 years, most of it good, the last few months went downhill and we broke up. But it is true, that if it hasn't worked out before, why should it now? I guess I am hoping that we have matured and changed. I don't know. I will block him, I just need a bit more time I guess. And no, I will not waste another year on him. I told him it was important to me to see him more, and if he does not follow through on his promise, I will end it. Please send strenght and courage my way guys. And some more tough - I need to hear all of this!
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 When was the last time you guys had joint couples counselling? 1
Author despgirl Posted January 4, 2016 Author Posted January 4, 2016 When was the last time you guys had joint couples counselling? We've never had that... Never even considered it as an option when we were together :/
Sunlight72 Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 The truth is, I can't help but wonder that maybe if I gave him space and let him come around on his own time, without pushing for a relationship, that maybe he would come around. This little hope makes it difficult for me to cut him out now. I want to be 100% sure that this is hopeless. I'm sorry to read you're in this situation despgirl, I can tell it's dragging you down. I almost killed myself over a relationship I "was in" (actually, I was the only one in the relationship - she was so out of it no one would have thought we were together). If your goal is to be sure this relationship is 100% hopeless (I guess that's what my goal was in the past), then honey, you have the worst goal anyone has ever had. A 99.95% hopeless relationship is Not Worth It. That means you're spending .05% of your life in hope (not love, just the hope for some vague future love), and the rest in despair. Your goal should be to find a relationship that is Fulfilling Happy Fun Respectful Enriching Loving Here's a new goal - find a relationship that is 5 of those 6. Lose any relationship that is less than 4 of those 6. Here's how you separate from this guy, and also start making inroads to a better place, ready? Each time you want to call, text, email him - do! But not to him. Call, text, or email a friend, your family, a volunteer organization instead. Every time - give in to the desire for connection with him, but use that desire to seek a connection that has better likelihood of building a positive relationship in your life by contacting someone who cares about you, or someone you can help or become invested in to do something positive. It will be hard emotionally, but if you do this, it will work in less than a month to get your life going in a better direction. Best Wishes, Sunlight 4
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 We've never had that... Never even considered it as an option when we were together :/ Well then your communication was shot to pieces, so no wonder neither of you really got what you wanted... So now apart, keep it that way. What 'reconciliation' are you hoping for when the relationship you had was already dysfunctional and askew? If the shoe don't fit, no point even forcing the big toe in. It's going to pinch (yet again) give you blisters (yet again) and cripple you. Yet again.
Redhead14 Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 Hi everyone. I’ve been lurking on this website for a long time, but first time posting anything. I would really like to share my story and hear your opinions. I realize I may not like what you have to say, but I feel I need this to get clarity and possibly end the situation I’m in. I’ve known my ex-boyfriend for 7 years. We’ve been on and off the entire time, I do not even remember the amount of times we’ve breaken up. Our problems stem from the fact that he has had a hard time committing to me, but I also have done my share to push him away (I am very sensitive and emotional and I must admit I’ve thrown my share of tantrums/been needy and very clingy at times, etc). It seems like we are a mismatch in the sense that although we are compatible in many ways (great friendship, great sex, sense of humor, intellect, etc), I am way too emotional and sensitive and he is just a really rational guy who is not in touch with his feelings at all. Last time we broke up was 3 years ago. I was deeply hurt (he dumped me because he didn’t love me anymore – we were long distance and were having many problems stemming from his commitment phobia and not meeting my needs at that time). I blocked him on all communication means and moved on. 5 months after we reconnected as friends but did not see each other due to me living in another city. A few months after I moved back to my city (where he also lives) and we met up and hooked up. Long story short, we’ve been very back and forth since. He rarely initiates contact, asks me out, and basically keeps very passive. I am the one doing all the work, and he just does not want to get emotionally invested in this. He has admitted to me several times that deep down he is afraid of being vulnerable and getting hurt (admitting that all the times we have broken up he was heartbroken too). I have a hard time letting him go, because I care about him so much and also consider him as a good friend, so whenever we are out of each other’s lives it is like some huge part of me is missing. I recently told him that I want to see him more often and he has agreed to it, but I want HIM to take the initiative to see me and he is as passive as he was before that talk. I want us to be exclusive but he says he is not ready and that exclusivity should come naturally and not be forced upon the other person as I am doing with him. Problem is, with our past it is hard for me to ‘start all over’ and take it slow, because of all the feelings involved. And he is the opposite, he just wants to take it slow and continue seeing each other until his feelings reappear, which is not a given fact. All of this makes me so anxious and I feel stuck. I want to leave him, but after a few days of no contact I reach out to him again because I want to see him. I’ve tried blocking him, not contacting him, trying to convince him to give us a shot ‘for real’, and nothing seems to work. I am trying to work on myself and have a therapist. It just seems like I am in a rut and do not know how to get out of it. What do you guys think I should do? Give him an ultimatum? Just block him out of my life with no explanation? Withdraw from him but keep in touch when he contacts me? Leave him alone and give him space and let him get around on his own terms? Thanks in advance for your advices and points of opinion! You don't love him and he doesn't love you the way he needs to have a committed relationship. You are in love with the idea of the man you wish he would be. Move on from him right now. Tell him you're moving on and go no contact and stick to it. Be a strong, independent, secure woman in your own right. Get busy with your own life and doing things that make you happy. Just do it. 1
Author despgirl Posted January 4, 2016 Author Posted January 4, 2016 Thanks for your replies and advices, everyone. I will end this tonight. Will call him prior and let him know and then it's over. Will keep you posted. Thanks for giving me the push I needed!
Toodaloo Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 Don't bother. Just stop talking to him. Trust me he will not care. Time for you to stop wasting time on this guy and waste you time on someone worth it! Just cut the crap and get on with it. Yes it hurts, yes you will feel pain, yes you will struggle for a bit. But then you will start healing and you will get over it. Once you are over it you will start to open your eyes and start to see the world around you and what a fabulous place it is. The sooner you do this the sooner you can live! 1
Buddhist Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 The truth is, I can't help but wonder that maybe if I gave him space and let him come around on his own time, without pushing for a relationship, that maybe he would come around. This little hope makes it difficult for me to cut him out now. I want to be 100% sure that this is hopeless. It IS 100% hopeless, it has been 100% hopeless for probably 6 out of the last 7 years. The problem is you clinging to the idea that there is a relationship here. There isn't one. You can't play perfect girlfriend and suddenly get a relationship out of him. There is NO hope at all here but you're in a state of denial so you will always feel like there's hope. You need to realise that what you've got going on here is an addiction, not love. Love doesn't trap you, it makes you free. What you're addicted to here is a need to win simply because you've invested 7 years of your life and are not about to let that be for nothing. Well it is for nothing and it will become 10yrs+ if you don't stop yourself now. Meanwhile there's a decent guy out there waiting to be in a relationship, yes a real one, with you. But you keep choosing a losing situation over it.
loveflower Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 Don't bother. Just stop talking to him. Trust me he will not care. ! exactly...since the guy never initiated contact with her anyway... what is the POINT to call to end it? there is nothing really to end. 2
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