OverAnalyzer Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Hey there, I am currently in a four month relationship that has been moving fast compared to normal standards. We both recognize that we normally move fast, so we're on the same page at least. We also, due to the nature of our jobs, are long distance. There is a definite light at the end of the tunnel as we will potentially get to work together, and then we are thinking of moving in with each other in a place we both want to live in. Recently, I got to be with her for a good amount of time: about two weeks. In that time, I flew out to her home for Christmas, where I stayed with her family. It was a good experience insofar that we were able to be around each other in person and figure out each other and how we would work together in person. She said that while a couple of things about me bugged her after spending so much time with me, she would've been far more annoyed with anyone else. I am the type of guy that shows a lot of affection and treats who I'm with somewhat like a princess, which actually was to my defecit apparently. She's used to being treated poorly in relationships, and constantly chasing the guys she's with, arguing with them constantly until they break up. But she says I ground her, and I make things so simple. This is both good and bad, as she says that she doesn't necessarily feel the spark as she once did, but says I'm perfect for her and can't stand the idea of letting me go. She says I could come off clingy, so I've been working on improving that, giving her more space, to which she has said I'm doing better and she's feeling better about it. That being said, she did have a moment where she wasn't sure that she could be with me anymore since the thought of moving was scary. But almost as quickly as she said that, she said that she didn't want to leave me. I understand her fear: moving to the new place would mean being away from her family, in a new place with only me and a couple of my friends whom she knows. I told her I want her to come to the decision on her own with any pressure from me, and she says that she wants to do it. Even so, I can tell she's wavering a bit because of her fear. My question is this: am I approaching this right? Should I be patient with her and let her figure it out or should I give her an ultimatum? I should clarify: her doubts and wavering have been causing me a fair amount of anxiety, when I'm usually a fairly level-headed person, I like to think. Thoughts and suggestions are appreciated, and if you need me to elaborate on anything else, I'd be happy to.
d0nnivain Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Do not under any circumstances go from an LDR to living together. It's a bad plan. Instead, live near each other & see how you do in a conventional relationship. IMHO you should not even discuss co-habitation until you have been together & living in close proximity for at least a year. 5
xcupid Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Your approach sounds fine but I wouldn't advise giving her an ultimatum. Let her make her own decision. The living together idea so early in the relationship is a bad idea IMO. 2
Gaeta Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Moving in together will be the end of this relationship before it even starts. You're only 4 months in - Long distance - and already she needs space? has doubts about your relationship, etc. It's pretty weak and it doesn't feel like a good ground to build on. I agree with the others, do not go from long distance to living together. 1
Author OverAnalyzer Posted January 3, 2016 Author Posted January 3, 2016 I should mention: we would have a few month period of working together in a close proximity: being around each other a lot, working with each other, living in the same area while being in separate places over the summer. This would give us a chance to be around each other without living together. Does that seem more doable? And on top of that, it seems like folks on this post seem to think that there is little to no chance for success if we were to move in together immediately. Is this a common occurrence? I do believe we communicate effectively and would be able to compromise properly while holding realistic expectations if we were to be in that situation.
Gaeta Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 People that move in together quickly have a low rate of success. In your case ad the following: * She's used to being treated poorly in relationships * She says I could come off clingy * she did have a moment where she wasn't sure that she could be with me anymore That lowers your chances even more. You and her are not a strong team yet. You need to get to know each other much more. 1
Versacehottie Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 No ultimatums. Find a way to manage your own anxiety. These are the sorts of things that come up in relationships all the time anyway so you need to find out how best to work with her negotiating and conflict management. I wouldn't even say there's a conflict; it's just uncertainty at this point. Of course, it makes sense since there's bound to be a great amount of uncertainty since you really haven't been together long at all and the stakes are super high! I think you need to break it down into smaller steps. I think moving in together and working together when she has essentially no one else but you is going to be a pressure cooker sh*t show. That said, you both seem more comfortable about moving fast compared to others. I like the idea of moving to a new city and having each your own place for around 6months to a year before moving in together. Maybe a city that is new to each of you--that way neither feels like they are overly sacrificing and it would be a new adventure--that could be tough though too. LDR's are not easy. I'd never say NEVER but they are difficult and that continues even when you get to same place but usually someone has given up a great deal to be there--there's feeling smothered and not having your own life for one or both; it can be very dependent in not a good way. From what you said about the last two weeks, I think you could have staying power with each other but you have to manage things correctly, I think. Good luck
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