emi Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Hi guys, I went to visit my boyfriend in Germany for 18 days. Tomorrow i will go back home. I met his family, stayed at his parents house. They took me out, and treated me well. I got no problem here, except language barrier, which i hope i can improve asap. We plan to get married this year so we can close the distance. We are tired of having to say good-byes and all these emotional roller coaster, financial burden that LDR brings. We are young. Me being 20 and hes 22. Hes working with a full-time stable job. I'm a student. But my education degree is not valid in Germany, if i move here i will need to start over again. So we think why waste our time, and tortue ourselves with the distance any longer. His parents support us fully and offered us a place to stay and helping me with my study research. But i'm afraid. I love this guy and i dont want to make a decision that may ruin his life and my life. But at the moment there is no better idea. We have no clue when will be our next visit. He plans to come on Feb and spend 3 weeks ( which use up all his off days, given the fact i just went back home on Jan seems not to be a good idea if he use up all at once) About me apply for tourist visa everytime is not certain success all the time. Any advice would be great. Thanks for reading:)
Beach Guy Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 There is still time. No need to make an all-or-nothing decision yet. In time, you will find the answer.
Els Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 Hi OP, I'm a supporter of doing what you feel you need to do for your own happiness, even if it carries risks. But I'm also a supporter of managing the risks as far as possible. If you did marry him and had your visa accepted, and went to live there - what would happen if things didn't work out? You would probably have to go back to your country, no? How close are you to completing your degree in your country? If you left and came back would you be able to resume that? Would you have the funds to do so? What protection does the law in Germany grant you in the event of a divorce? I am not saying don't go, but be very careful and have a backup plan. I honestly think you should complete your degree first before you go. If your R was meant to be it would hold on til then. 1
Author emi Posted January 6, 2016 Author Posted January 6, 2016 Hi, That is a very helpful suggestion. I tried to google and read all the stuff i can find ( in English). Seems like divorcing in Germany is a long and scary road which costs alot money and as i saw what people wrote the Court " normally side with German citizen", " the Court try to send you back home so they dont have to pay you pension", and cases varry. Reasons for divorce also plays a huge role. I cant think of any reason we will make us divorcing unless hes being to lazy to do the housework at the moment . Those sites arent really helpful. And as my study, well sure i can resume ( not sure if i want to then, because only now its getting too uninteresting for me) . Study isnt that much expensive here anyway. I will be able to cover and will have a house to live in if were to go back. Im not bringging anything into this marriage except myself. Only thing i would lose is time (which is precious to me) .
kendahke Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 If you move there, do it as if you are relocating your life there to set down roots there, not necessarily to move there for him. You have to want to live there even if he wasn't part of the picture. I think that will help you with the feelings of not knowing if it's the right thing to do. If your conviction is that your destiny lies in Deutschland, then by all means--go. And use Duolingo to help you brush up on your German.
Author emi Posted January 17, 2016 Author Posted January 17, 2016 If you move there, do it as if you are relocating your life there to set down roots there, not necessarily to move there for him. You have to want to live there even if he wasn't part of the picture. I think that will help you with the feelings of not knowing if it's the right thing to do. If your conviction is that your destiny lies in Deutschland, then by all means go And use Duolingo to help you brush up on your German. But i cant go unless i marry to him. Atleast for 10 years
justwhoiam Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 But i cant go unless i marry to him. Atleast for 10 years What does it mean, at least for 10 years? Did you try living with him, just the two of you in some house/apartment? Just to see how things go between you two managing routine tasks and normal daily life, and with him working. That's what you should do, not him taking days off, which sounds like a vacation. Is he currently living on his own?
Author emi Posted January 17, 2016 Author Posted January 17, 2016 What does it mean, at least for 10 years? Did you try living with him, just the two of you in some house/apartment? Just to see how things go between you two managing routine tasks and normal daily life, and with him working. That's what you should do, not him taking days off, which sounds like a vacation. Is he currently living on his own? I mean if i didnt marry him and want to live in germany i would need to figure it out by myself and it would cost me 10 years or more. When i was there i think the country was really nice. But before i met him i never think about it, so i dont know if my destiny lies in Germany. He lives with his parents. Because his dad works nightshift so his mom asked him to stay home because then she would feel safer. He has a brother who already moved out with his gf. His brother and his gf lived in his parents house 1 year before they moved. They are a really close-kit family. He never lies to his parents. He told them everything. When i were there, he was on vacation. I think we dont really have any problem. I didnt digust when i use the toilet with him . But i know its hard to make it like normal daily living. When i were there its on vacation. Everyone was in happy mood
Gosh Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Hi! How long have you guys been together? How many times have you met? I think is wiser to wait. Him coming visiting is not a bad idea. Spending all of his days might be, but let him come visit and go visit again when you can, dont get married yet, its a huge decision.Maybe finish your studies in your country, even if it isn't valid in Germany, maybe you can find a master on something that is. If you are uninterested in your studies now, change subject if possible and find something more appealing and maybe more international. Put YOU first. Trust me on this. I dropped out of college and am regretting it SO much right now. If you put YOU first, he will appreciate more in the long run. If he doesnt appreciate it now, thats a HUGE red flag. I am also in an LDR and have the same thoughts of moving etc. You do have to find a reason why you would like to move to Germany besides your bf. Either its adventure, studies, learning about the culture, i dont know, think about it, picture yourself there and you will find the answer. Why cant he come to where you live? I noticed you said he has a stable job and it is not wise to lose it, but is his job transferable? Again, he doesnt have to make any fast decisions either, just asking. Cheers! 1
Trufita Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Like other users have said, I think you should finish your degree before you move. Think of all the effort you have put in it so far! And even if it is not valid in Germany, it must count for something more than arriving there with nothing. Also, how long have you been together? You don't want to get married too quickly, or leave everything behind too quickly. You must be sure he is the one. 1
Author emi Posted January 17, 2016 Author Posted January 17, 2016 (edited) Hi! How long have you guys been together? How many times have you met? I think is wiser to wait. Him coming visiting is not a bad idea. Spending all of his days might be, but let him come visit and go visit again when you can, dont get married yet, its a huge decision.Maybe finish your studies in your country, even if it isn't valid in Germany, maybe you can find a master on something that is. If you are uninterested in your studies now, change subject if possible and find something more appealing and maybe more international. Put YOU first. Trust me on this. I dropped out of college and am regretting it SO much right now. If you put YOU first, he will appreciate more in the long run. If he doesnt appreciate it now, thats a HUGE red flag. I am also in an LDR and have the same thoughts of moving etc. You do have to find a reason why you would like to move to Germany besides your bf. Either its adventure, studies, learning about the culture, i dont know, think about it, picture yourself there and you will find the answer. Why cant he come to where you live? I noticed you said he has a stable job and it is not wise to lose it, but is his job transferable? Again, he doesnt have to make any fast decisions either, just asking. Cheers! We know each other for 1.5 years and dating for a year + now. We met each other 2 times. One for a month and one was 18 days. He went to me and i went to him. I had thought about what you said, about put me first and about changing my study and tell him to wait until i finish. But its not really that easy. You said you are also in a Ldr , i guess you know how hard it is. I feel like everyday im sad because im not with him. If i drag it for 4 years i think we would both be miserable and fall out of love. He also said he doesnt to wait too long like that when i mentioned like above to him. And also we are not packed with money. Vacation costs much even we try to spend it wise. He doesnt want to move here. I asked him before. I told him to move here so i dont need to do visa stuff with German embassy and here with his " white look" he can easy get a job. But he doesnt wanna do it. He said he only move if i unable to come to Germany. He doesnt like the food, the traffic, so many people and etc,.. And he likes winter which never happen here. Can you share your story about your LDR and your study Gosh? Im really interested Edited January 17, 2016 by emi
Gosh Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 1,5 is some good amount of time. 2 times meeting doesnt sound enough, but i cant ignore the fact that both were long trips. I do know how you feel. When i think about moving to his country to live with him its scary, but i have nothing here, i am ready for a move, even if it goes bad the move might even change my life for better and i still find it a hard decision to make (to be clear it isnt on the table quite yet). If you guys do drag it out for 4 years or even a year more , which of course i dont recommend, but if you fall out of love, trust me, the same would happen if you guys were married and in the same country. I know the costs, oh how i do but, the sacrifice of money compared to your studies and future is small. If you managed to travel once, you will manage to do it again, so will he especially if he has a stable job and lives with his parents. The thing that scares me is the his unwillingness to move to your country. I know it might be a bad choice for both, but its his intentions im worried about. Only if you were unable to move to Germany?What does "unable" mean to him? Paperwise?Or your studies/future?This is really important. I know you love him, im sure you might think you cant live without him or he is the one, but trust me the first person you must be concerned about living with is yourself first. Im not saying dont do it. But if he is willing to marry you, he should be willing to move close to you till you finish your studies, specially if he can find a job that easily. You need to be able to plan a future together and one that benefits both, not only one. So be patient, you have time. If time brings you anxiety, or fear of loosing him, then this is already over. Think about it. 1
justwhoiam Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 If you applied to study in Germany, then you wouldn't need to get married. Have you thought about that? Also, make sure you have a place where you can live, not under the same roof with his parents. No matter how loving his mother is. Do not settle for that arrangement. Have an apartment/house with him. If you're having trouble getting a new visa for Germany, would you be able to get one for a neighboring country? Like Austria, France, Italy, etc. If it's easier and quicker, then get one for a different country. Provided it's a EU country. Switzerland still has customs, so I would avoid that. But all the other countries have no customs... I too would hold on regarding his time off. Also, if you're both serious about getting married, have him open an account for you two with the money saved from the trip he won't buy to see you. It will come in handy later on. Especially in times of lean cows, if you know what I mean (and I know a thing or two about that). 1
kielnug Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 (edited) I have (had) a LDR about the same time, but we have met a lot more... Me several times at her place, she a couple here + other places where we've both been able to do our work. And have also come to the "decision", which probably will go against "us". After 3 weeks of intense talks around the subject, we're currently on a timeout. It could easily effectively be the end. And it's hard. And relocation is a biggie in it. But I do think that to find ways to talk openly and good about the expectations and fears and find models on how to resolve issues, even if the fist solution is not the right one, just starting to make it good, would be important. Sounds like you come from a big city (I become curious where you are, but...) What kind of place does he live. It makes a huge difference if it's Berlin or somewhere in the countryside. Can u deal with that change? Edited January 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Edited out personal link ~ V
Author emi Posted January 19, 2016 Author Posted January 19, 2016 (edited) Yes. I though about it. But i dont have the fund to do so. And i dont want to burden my parents. About the bank account, how i can ask him to do sth? Its his money he can do what he wants... If you applied to study in Germany, then you wouldn't need to get married. Have you thought about that? Also, make sure you have a place where you can live, not under the same roof with his parents. No matter how loving his mother is. Do not settle for that arrangement. Have an apartment/house with him. If you're having trouble getting a new visa for Germany, would you be able to get one for a neighboring country? Like Austria, France, Italy, etc. If it's easier and quicker, then get one for a different country. Provided it's a EU country. Switzerland still has customs, so I would avoid that. But all the other countries have no customs... I too would hold on regarding his time off. Also, if you're both serious about getting married, have him open an account for you two with the money saved from the trip he won't buy to see you. It will come in handy later on. Especially in times of lean cows, if you know what I mean (and I know a thing or two about that). Edited January 19, 2016 by emi
Author emi Posted January 19, 2016 Author Posted January 19, 2016 I have (had) a LDR about the same time, but we have met a lot more... Me several times at her place, she a couple here + other places where we've both been able to do our work. And have also come to the "decision", which probably will go against "us". After 3 weeks of intense talks around the subject, we're currently on a timeout. It could easily effectively be the end. And it's hard. And relocation is a biggie in it. But I do think that to find ways to talk openly and good about the expectations and fears and find models on how to resolve issues, even if the fist solution is not the right one, just starting to make it good, would be important. Started a blog on it all here: (And yup, she is very much aware of it and fine with it) Love (paradoxlove) Sounds like you come from a big city (I become curious where you are, but...) What kind of place does he live. It makes a huge difference if it's Berlin or somewhere in the countryside. Can u deal with that change? I live in the biggest city in my country lol. How do u know it? And he lives in a pretty small city. But well i dont care. I can live in big city and small town. Im a easy going persoj
justwhoiam Posted January 22, 2016 Posted January 22, 2016 i dont have the fund to do so. I don't get it. You said that he wants to marry you, and his parents are ready to support you while you will be studying in Germany, so that you can get a job there, as your studies won't be recognised in their country. So I told you that if you apply to study in Germany, which you're going to do according to your own statements, you won't need to get married to get the VISA. But you say you don't have the funds to study in Germany. Which now makes me think: would his parents only support you if you become his wife? And if so, did they tell you that? About the bank account, how i can ask him to do sth? Its his money he can do what he wants... Let me tell you, this is not a good way to start a marriage. You don't sound comfortable enough to talk to him about financial matters. Which makes things awkward. I guess you'll want to get married with someone you're totally comfortable with. But anyway, how would you do that? It's very simple. At least, I know what I would do. I would tell him that I want him to save his days off for when we really need them (like moving in with you somewhere, etc.). And tell him: you'd be saving that budget meant for the trip too, and we could use it for something else. And what do you think about getting a shared bank account that we can use for our future cohabitation?
Els Posted January 22, 2016 Posted January 22, 2016 (edited) I don't get it. You said that he wants to marry you, and his parents are ready to support you while you will be studying in Germany, so that you can get a job there, as your studies won't be recognised in their country. So I told you that if you apply to study in Germany, which you're going to do according to your own statements, you won't need to get married to get the VISA. But you say you don't have the funds to study in Germany. Which now makes me think: would his parents only support you if you become his wife? And if so, did they tell you that? I don't know about Germany, but in some countries if you have residency your tuition fees are about 5x less than they would otherwise be as an international student. One of the ways to get residency is via partnership/marriage. (Not saying that that is a good reason to get married, but just pointing out the fact) Edited January 22, 2016 by Elswyth
Author emi Posted January 22, 2016 Author Posted January 22, 2016 I don't get it. You said that he wants to marry you, and his parents are ready to support you while you will be studying in Germany, so that you can get a job there, as your studies won't be recognised in their country. So I told you that if you apply to study in Germany, which you're going to do according to your own statements, you won't need to get married to get the VISA. But you say you don't have the funds to study in Germany. Which now makes me think: would his parents only support you if you become his wife? And if so, did they tell you that? Let me tell you, this is not a good way to start a marriage. You don't sound comfortable enough to talk to him about financial matters. Which makes things awkward. I guess you'll want to get married with someone you're totally comfortable with. But anyway, how would you do that? It's very simple. At least, I know what I would do. I would tell him that I want him to save his days off for when we really need them (like moving in with you somewhere, etc.). And tell him: you'd be saving that budget meant for the trip too, and we could use it for something else. And what do you think about getting a shared bank account that we can use for our future cohabitation? Well, i need to put money in a blocked bank account that allowed me to withdraw a certain amount every month. I would be needing atleast 2 years period of living expense money in that blocked bank account to apply for student visa. And, i dont think its sensible to ask him for such a big money. He doesnt even have enough of it himself. About his parents, why would they help us if im merely his gf? Beside, i need more commitment from him to move abroad. I cant move away for a bf, who can just easily drop me off like a potato if something happen. Germany is a nice land. But i dont want to move away from my family, got into debt, for a bf. I want to be protected legally. It sounds so unstable to move without it. About money, we had a talk. I asked him what he plan to do about the money. And that i want a monthly allowance until i can stand on my own feets. He said its okay. But the exact amount need to wait until when i go there so we can calculate what we need then. I think its a fine arrangement
TMichaels Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 About money, we had a talk. I asked him what he plan to do about the money. And that i want a monthly allowance until i can stand on my own feets. He said its okay. But the exact amount need to wait until when i go there so we can calculate what we need then. I think its a fine arrangement In many parts of the world, what you're describing is what's known as being a "kept woman" which is one step above "prostitute." But, as you say you're fine with it. (?) Different strokes for different folks, I guess... Best, TMichaels
Author emi Posted January 23, 2016 Author Posted January 23, 2016 In many parts of the world, what you're describing is what's known as being a "kept woman" which is one step above "prostitute." But, as you say you're fine with it. (?) Different strokes for different folks, I guess... Best, TMichaels Uhm dont you think its harsh to say sth? Surely i will bring my own savings, but i dont know how long i will be jobless or doing my education. And since he said he will take care of me, how would it calls prostitution? We just trying to find a way to arrange things. If i find any kind of jobs, i wont ask for it. If u got nothing positive to say just ignore my post. Jesus.
justwhoiam Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 Well, i need to put money in a blocked bank account that allowed me to withdraw a certain amount every month. I would be needing atleast 2 years period of living expense money in that blocked bank account to apply for student visa. And, i dont think its sensible to ask him for such a big money. He doesnt even have enough of it himself. About his parents, why would they help us if im merely his gf? I don't think that's the way it works. At least, not the only one. Where did you get your info? I cant move away for a bf, who can just easily drop me off like a potato if something happen. Hmm. Have you ever thought that if you get married for your peace of mind, he will acquire more rights and be more safeguarded? If you have a baby with him in the marriage, just know that you won't be able to take the child out of the country without his consent. And if you get separated/divorced, you might never get that consent, and you sort of lose the baby, if you go back to your home country, and at times even if you don't leave the country. Be prepared to face all these things, especially if you move to a foreign country where you are the immigrant. Be aware of what you are doing. I'd feel more comfortable getting to know him better as a boyfriend first, then putting myself in an awful situation I might regret afterwards. I asked him what he plan to do about the money. And that i want a monthly allowance That shocked me too, just like it probably didn't look good to the previous poster possibly to other readers as well. I'm not sure if it's a cultural thing, or a language thing, as English is not your native language. The expression "I want" is quite strong in English. So I'm not surprised that a native English speaker might have a bad reaction reading that. Here we went from being hesitant to ask him to have a shared account where to put money for the couple, to asking for a fixed monthly allowance at your disposal. Isn't it a bit demanding? Maybe it's just me, but it comes across as demanding and passive-aggressive at the same time. What I'm about to say is obviously just my personal opinion. I think you're doing it wrong. If you are honestly interested in studying in Germany and therefore in being able to sustain yourself, this is what you should do: 1. Look into college/university programs near where he lives and see what can be good for you and what kind of knowledge of German is required. Attending a course before leaving your country might be useful. This requirement might be compulsory while applying for the visa. 2. Pick the programs for you and then read their rules to apply. 3. If you can be admitted with no entrance examination, you can directly apply for a study visa (60€). If, instead, you need to sit for entrance exams or need to wait for your application to be accepted, you can apply for a 90 days visa for the purpose of applying to a university (once you have been in Germany for three months, you can apply for a residence permit at your place of study). You need to prove you can sustain yourself while studying (a letter by the family who's going to support you) and get some insurance coverage. 4. Insurance coverage might start at 33€ per month. 5. You can then open an account as a student (many banks offer a free account for students). Deutsche Bank is almost anywhere, so you might be able to open the account before leaving your country. 6. Once you get to Germany, you ask for your fiscal code. Now you are ready to study in Germany and move there to live with your boyfriend. As a student, you can get small jobs paying less than 450€ per months or Summer jobs for max 60 days a year. It might be possible to get higher deals, but then you'd have to pay the German social security too. The International and Specialized Services (ZAV), a part of the Federal Employment Agency (Bundesagentur für Arbeit, BA), is there to support you in your job-hunting efforts: Send an e-mail to: make-it-in-germany(at)arbeitsagentur(dot)de. In addition, you can get advice in English through the “Hotline to Living and Working in Germany” (+49 30 1815 – 1111). This means taking responsibility for what you do and showing your level of maturity, being able to take care of yourself. But are you willing to do any of that?
Author emi Posted January 23, 2016 Author Posted January 23, 2016 I don't think that's the way it works. At least, not the only one. Where did you get your info? Hmm. Have you ever thought that if you get married for your peace of mind, he will acquire more rights and be more safeguarded? If you have a baby with him in the marriage, just know that you won't be able to take the child out of the country without his consent. And if you get separated/divorced, you might never get that consent, and you sort of lose the baby, if you go back to your home country, and at times even if you don't leave the country. Be prepared to face all these things, especially if you move to a foreign country where you are the immigrant. Be aware of what you are doing. I'd feel more comfortable getting to know him better as a boyfriend first, then putting myself in an awful situation I might regret afterwards. That shocked me too, just like it probably didn't look good to the previous poster possibly to other readers as well. I'm not sure if it's a cultural thing, or a language thing, as English is not your native language. The expression "I want" is quite strong in English. So I'm not surprised that a native English speaker might have a bad reaction reading that. Here we went from being hesitant to ask him to have a shared account where to put money for the couple, to asking for a fixed monthly allowance at your disposal. Isn't it a bit demanding? Maybe it's just me, but it comes across as demanding and passive-aggressive at the same time. What I'm about to say is obviously just my personal opinion. I think you're doing it wrong. If you are honestly interested in studying in Germany and therefore in being able to sustain yourself, this is what you should do: 1. Look into college/university programs near where he lives and see what can be good for you and what kind of knowledge of German is required. Attending a course before leaving your country might be useful. This requirement might be compulsory while applying for the visa. 2. Pick the programs for you and then read their rules to apply. 3. If you can be admitted with no entrance examination, you can directly apply for a study visa (60€). If, instead, you need to sit for entrance exams or need to wait for your application to be accepted, you can apply for a 90 days visa for the purpose of applying to a university (once you have been in Germany for three months, you can apply for a residence permit at your place of study). You need to prove you can sustain yourself while studying (a letter by the family who's going to support you) and get some insurance coverage. 4. Insurance coverage might start at 33€ per month. 5. You can then open an account as a student (many banks offer a free account for students). Deutsche Bank is almost anywhere, so you might be able to open the account before leaving your country. 6. Once you get to Germany, you ask for your fiscal code. Now you are ready to study in Germany and move there to live with your boyfriend. As a student, you can get small jobs paying less than 450€ per months or Summer jobs for max 60 days a year. It might be possible to get higher deals, but then you'd have to pay the German social security too. The International and Specialized Services (ZAV), a part of the Federal Employment Agency (Bundesagentur für Arbeit, BA), is there to support you in your job-hunting efforts: Send an e-mail to: make-it-in-germany(at)arbeitsagentur(dot)de. In addition, you can get advice in English through the “Hotline to Living and Working in Germany” (+49 30 1815 – 1111). This means taking responsibility for what you do and showing your level of maturity, being able to take care of yourself. But are you willing to do any of that? Hi, I just read again what i wrote and the word want is abit unappropriate. Its started out as me asking him what he planned to do about the financial problem when we living when i am unable to earn. He said he will support us both and i can be assured even it will not be a high life style. I said its not a problem as long as we have place to stay and food. Then he said it is no problem and is there any else. I said well i would like to have some money for myself incase i wanna use it for sth. And he said monthly or weekly or sth. Then i say monthly should be better. About study, justwhoiam. I have done my fairshare of research. Education is free. But i need to have atleast 1 year of living expense i think its 8000- 9000 euro or something put into a blocked bank account first before i have enough criteria to apply for a student visa. Later comes admission letter, language certificate, insurance... For all of that for the beginning i need roughly 10000 for everything which i dont have myself. And i dont plan to ask my parents or him pay for it.
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