mavlast Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Last night my mother called to tell me that her father died. Her dad and I were not close, as he and my grandma divorced ten years before I was born and he remarried shortly thereafter. For a long time I did not want to have anything to do with him since he was abusive to my grandma during their marriage, but I came to forgive him since he had since turned his life around and I think he and grandma made amends before her death. However, I only visited him with the family once a year around Christmas, and for the past few years I had been making other plans (I'm a grown-ass man, so coming along wasn't mandatory). I could tell, however, that he at least wanted to have minimal involvement in my life (he told us he loved us on every visit, and he sent me money when I graduated college, for example). At some point a funeral will be planned and I'm wondering if you would go in my shoes. Of course I have to consider mom's feelings on the subject, even though, since I'm a grad student who lives 1700mi away from them, I think she will understand if I send a heartfelt card and flowers. At the same time, my aunts/uncles are not getting any younger and I'd feel bad not going to one of their funerals out of anything other than impossibility, even though I see most of them a few times a year at most. What do you think?
d0nnivain Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 I'd move heaven & earth to be there for my mother. Funerals are to comfort the living. Your mom is probably sad that her father died, no matter how rocky the relationship may have been in the past. Your relationship with your grandfather is almost secondary. Be there to support your mother. The cost etc is negligible when measured against how much more emotional pain your absence will cause. 1
Author mavlast Posted January 3, 2016 Author Posted January 3, 2016 Funerals are to comfort the living. ... Your relationship with your grandfather is almost secondary. Be there to support your mother. I was originally thinking about it mostly in terms of my relationship with him, but you are right. I think I ought to at least ask about when and where the funeral is taking place; I already did this once but since he just died nothing is yet planned. If I ask again and Mom or some other relative gives me a time and place, then I'll take it as a cue to go. Otherwise I'll send a handwritten card with some nice flowers.
Author mavlast Posted January 3, 2016 Author Posted January 3, 2016 On the other hand, where does one draw the line as going to funerals is concerned, especially living so far away? The answer is clear for immediate family and close friends/relatives, but I am not so sure about what to do in cases like this one where the deceased was not close to me. Air travel is expensive, but at the same time I don't want to offend anyone. Perhaps if I knew the person and they were close to someone I am close to? Which would include the case of my grandpa?
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