katiegrl Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 ????? I asked him a total of three times (including yesterday's talk) and let him initiate contact to give him space. Said that in my original post. I do wonder if maybe I had initiated more things would have been different? Maybe because I didn't contact him enough? I don't know, I'm letting it be and trying not to think about it for now. For the record, in the three times that I asked, it was never to seek reassurance about our relationship or how he feels about me. I'm secure in that aspect. If he wanted to leave me then that is fine, it's his loss, I am not worried. What I was worried about was him. If HE was okay and if there is anything I can do to make things better. It also worried me that whatever it was, to reassure him that I am here for support. Okay hun, fair enough...thanks for clarifying. You did nothing wrong.....my bad for misinterpreting. Just end it then.....it's done. He wants out....but wants you to do the dirty work of ending it. Again, sorry.
Author lilly. Posted January 3, 2016 Author Posted January 3, 2016 I understand having to deal with things outside the relationship. But between you and I how long do you think it's reasonable for someone to pull away from the relationship for 'exterior' reasons? Feeling sh$tty for a week is ok but for an entire month? I don't buy it. And I think that's why OP has been on his case. He told her he was distant because of things at work but it never seemed to be getting better so she asked again and again. I think, if he pulled back for reasons related to the relationship, then yes I can see where each time she bugs him about it he's thrown back to square 1 but but I don't see it in this case. Also, if he has stress at work that affects him THAT much and is interfering in his relationship, shouldn't he be giving her the details? This is why I think it is something else. if it was just work, he should be able to tell me what it is, right? Unless maybe his job is on the line and his pride won't let him tell me or he doesn't want me to worry. I think he is hiding something. I have no idea what, but I don't think it's another woman. I mean I could be wrong, just that I know that vibe and it's not what I'm getting from him.
Author lilly. Posted January 3, 2016 Author Posted January 3, 2016 Okay hun, fair enough...thanks for clarifying. You did nothing wrong.....my bad for misinterpreting. Just end it then.....it's done. He wants out....but wants you to do the dirty work of ending it. Again, sorry. It is okay, not a problem. Thanks for taking the time. This is what I thought too! I asked him straight up if he wanted out and said I'm ready to walk because I don't like being treated this way. He said that's not what he wanted at all?? He said to just please be patient for now. I am so confused, hence going nc right now.
Gaeta Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 This is why I think it is something else. if it was just work, he should be able to tell me what it is, right? Unless maybe his job is on the line and his pride won't let him tell me or he doesn't want me to worry. I think he is hiding something. I have no idea what, but I don't think it's another woman. I mean I could be wrong, just that I know that vibe and it's not what I'm getting from him. If it was his work he should be able to tell you at least what it is about without going into details. You're not a little girl that needs to be protected against bad news. My bet is still on another woman but It could be something else but not any better: drug? gambling? alcohol? When is the last time you saw him in person?
katiegrl Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 It is okay, not a problem. Thanks for taking the time. This is what I thought too! I asked him straight up if he wanted out and said I'm ready to walk because I don't like being treated this way. He said that's not what he wanted at all?? He said to just please be patient for now. I am so confused, hence going nc right now. Yeah that IS confusing ....but you know what? You can end it if you are not happy with the way things are going (or not going)....or with the way he is treating you. You don't need *his* permission or agreement to end it. You have a mind and heart of your own, you make the decision to end it....don't wait on him to decide. YOU are unhappy, you talked to him, he blames you...calls you *needy* or whatevs ...again you do not his permission or agreement, YOU make the decision .....YOU end it. Wish him well and be on your merry way. It's a brand new year ....brand new start. 1
Author lilly. Posted January 3, 2016 Author Posted January 3, 2016 If it was his work he should be able to tell you at least what it is about without going into details. You're not a little girl that needs to be protected against bad news. My bet is still on another woman but It could be something else but not any better: drug? gambling? alcohol? When is the last time you saw him in person? It may be a financial problem, I have no idea. As far as I know he doesn't have a drug, alcohol, gambling or similar problems. That's a little extreme, he isn't like that at all. I am trying to be objective about this. Realized I do know men who completely shut down when they need space and only reach out when they need/want to. Maybe he is re-evaluating us. Bottom line is he is keeping me out and that's not okay. Last time I saw him was yesterday when we talked, before that was the day before Christmas Eve when he took me to the airport. We did FaceTime on New Year's Eve during the afternoon, if that counts.
Gaeta Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 That's a little extreme, he isn't like that at all. One word of advice. Don't ever assume 'oh my boyfriend is not like that'. I had been married for about 10 years when I discovered my husband had a gambling addiction and I was totally unaware of it ! and we lived together!! and we only had 1 joint bank account. He became distant, he was absent from home often, but other than that he was his normal self..and he was able to hide it for a long time.
Author lilly. Posted January 3, 2016 Author Posted January 3, 2016 The main red flag is that he's changed his stance on communication. He used to think it was very important. Now he's very lackadaisical about it. This seems like a passive aggressive attempt to cover up something that's really going on. But I will say though that you do seem a bit overly focused on him at times. Like tracking his activity on FB ad Instagram. I'm not saying that you don't have cause for concern because something is definitely up. I mean to not even get any sort of contact on Christmas? However, I would say that you should try to have other things in your life that keep you busy aside from just your BF. Yes exactly, you phrased that perfectly about communication. It came totally out of nowhere and does seem passive aggressive. Most of all it hurts. Outside of him I have a full life: great career, friends, family, I hike and take cooking lessons. So it's not like I've been totally focused on him and our relationship, but yes I guess a lot more now over the holidays since we weren't together, compounded by how he has been acting. In that respect he is right. Noo I wasn't tracking him on Fb and Instagram at all. We follow each other so of course I'm going to notice that he had been posting when he said he was knocked out from strong meds. I mean it's fine he doesn't have to talk to me if he doesn't want to but why lie about it?
Author lilly. Posted January 3, 2016 Author Posted January 3, 2016 One word of advice. Don't ever assume 'oh my boyfriend is not like that'. I had been married for about 10 years when I discovered my husband had a gambling addiction and I was totally unaware of it ! and we lived together!! and we only had 1 joint bank account. He became distant, he was absent from home often, but other than that he was his normal self..and he was able to hide it for a long time. Geez that's terrible! I'm so sorry you went through that. He hid it for 10 years wow. Sorry to pry but how did you eventually find out? Did things just get increasingly worse?
Gaeta Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Geez that's terrible! I'm so sorry you went through that. He hid it for 10 years wow. Sorry to pry but how did you eventually find out? Did things just get increasingly worse? No he did not hide it for 10 years. After 10 years married he got into gambling and he was able to hide it pretty good from me. After 10 years you really know someone and their habits. All of your personal finances is tangled together, you're together each day etc and he was able to hide it pretty good. You and your boyfriend don't live together, you're just dating so imagine how easy it would be for him to hide something from you. Don't assume you know him and his character. In my case I started thinking he was having an affair, I confronted him and told him my next move was to leave him. He admitted to gambling then. Maybe you're at that point too, maybe you should tell him you're at the point of leaving the relationship.
Author lilly. Posted January 3, 2016 Author Posted January 3, 2016 That's what I would be mindful of moving forward. But, I think this also depends on how you presented your concerns to him. Sometimes people respond to the way he did when they're on the defensive. What did you say to him, exactly? That might help explain his seemingly dismissive answer. All you can really do is keep busy with your own stuff in the meantime. See how the next few weeks go, and give yourself a mental deadline to readdress it. If he's just pulling back due to stress/illness/etc, he will appreciate that you've given him a bit of breathing room. If he's pulling back because he's lost interest, there's not much you can do to prevent it, unfortunately. EDIT: His comment about focusing too much on the relationship is important - in general, how's your life apart from him? In other words, do you have a social circle, interests, what not? Maybe it is the way I came about it, I don't know. I didn't freak out on him or anything and I wasn't accusatory, but I did get emotional. It just happened because the situation was/is making me so sad. We were in the car, he was giving me a ride home. First i asked him to please tell me what is going on because he has been so distant for so long. He said he has told me that everything is okay. Then I said I dont know what I'm supposed to do because I can't pretend everything is okay when it isn't. Asked if he needed space or wants out of the relationship and focus on whatever it is. He said that isn't what he wants at all, etc. I don't know, maybe it was because I got emotional, but I think it was a valid reaction and it's done.
katiegrl Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 (edited) One word of advice. Don't ever assume 'oh my boyfriend is not like that'. I had been married for about 10 years when I discovered my husband had a gambling addiction and I was totally unaware of it ! and we lived together!! and we only had 1 joint bank account. He became distant, he was absent from home often, but other than that he was his normal self..and he was able to hide it for a long time. Lilly...agree with Gaeta about this. My story: My ex, who I was in relationship with for SIX years ....and to whom I was engaged until very recently, was acting very very strange for weeks, months actually, before it got so bad I left ...after which he finally told me what was going on -- he had gotten heavily into cocaine and meth over the summer while back east taking care of his sick mom, who later passed. Come to think of it, he displayed many of the same behaviors your boyfriend is exhibiting right now. We were living together, but he would not speak to me, was gone a lot *working* and basically shut me out. I was shocked, I am still in shock actually. Never ever thought in a zillion years he would be "the type" to get into that shyt. I later found out that he had been doing coke and and meth off and on throughout our entire relationship! Not saying this is what is happening with yours, but never say "my boyfriend is not like that" because you just don't know ...and things are not always what they appear to be. Edited January 3, 2016 by katiegrl
Empyrea Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Well, you seem to trust him and feel secure in the relationship, so either you're a confident person yourself or it really has been a healthy happy relationship so far. Based on that, I would give him the benefit of the doubt and just be patient until he works out whatever he needs to work out. You mentioned he has a kid - could it be he has to sort out something with him or the mother? In any case, he has told you point blank that it has nothing to do with you, that he's still interested in continuing the relationship, and that you just have to wait it out. Obviously, if you happen to check out of the relationship or reevaluate your investment during this time, then that's the risk he chose to take. Of course it is quite concerning that he has chosen this method of dealing with whatever by completely cutting you out, not leaning on you for support or advice, and not trusting you enough to share.. these things all need to be addressed when the time is right and they might be relevant enough to end a relationship over. But I think I would be more comfortable with the decision to hang in there until he's in a stable state of mind and THEN have that talk, rather than break up with him now and possibly never know what it was really about. If you two are hoping for long term then this is an important milestone for him to see how you handle an irrational demand (i.e. I can't fill you in, just trust me and be patient) and for you to see if you are willing to accept sharing a life with someone who.. well, makes those kinds of demands.
Author lilly. Posted January 3, 2016 Author Posted January 3, 2016 OP....why were y'all not able to spend Christmas and New Years together? And the fact he couldn't even spend two seconds wishing you a Merry Christmas or Happy New Year is very telling and frankly, pretty crappy. Especially given that you have been the one to reach out first....as of late. Again, I would seriously pull back.....or just end it. I spent the holidays with family out of state. He and his son stayed here with his parents and siblings. I wasn't about to uproot his kid and take away their family time so that was okay with me. I was reading another thread here that said maybe the guy got used to his gf initiating all contact. Maybe that is the case with me? I don't know, maybe I am also making excuses.
stillafool Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 He also said I was focusing too much on our relationship (how can I not with the way things have been?), so from now on I will stop giving it attention. I don't know if that's the right move, but it feels like it's what I have to do to gain my sanity back. Since you are sure it is not another woman and he considers you needy at this point I would definitely pull all the way back and let him do all the communicating. This is the only solution in order to not annoy him. Get busy doing everything else and if he still doesn't contact you it's over.
katiegrl Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Lilly...agree with Gaeta about this. My story: My ex, who I was in relationship with for SIX years ....and to whom I was engaged until very recently, was acting very very strange for weeks, months actually, before it got so bad I left ...after which he finally told me what was going on -- he had gotten heavily into cocaine and meth over the summer while back east taking care of his sick mom, who later passed. Come to think of it, he displayed many of the same behaviors your boyfriend is exhibiting right now. We were living together, but he would not speak to me, was gone a lot *working* and basically shut me out. I was shocked, I am still in shock actually. Never ever thought in a zillion years he would be "the type" to get into that shyt. I later found out that he had been doing coke and and meth off and on throughout our entire relationship! Not saying this is what is happening with yours, but never say "my boyfriend is not like that" because you just don't know ...and things are not always what they appear to be. I could not edit this ...but lilly...I would like to add that I had expressed concern too, and he would brush it off, tell me I was over-reacting, blamed it on work. So I "hung in there" hoping things would get better. It took my LEAVING before he finally told me what was going on. We tried to patch it up...he promised to get help, which he never did, so I left for good. You can continue "hanging in" if you want, making excuses, whatever, but often times it takes a woman actually leaving the relationship before a man realizes what he just lost, and if he cares enough, agrees to open up, let you in, and tell you what the hell is going on. Wish you the best hun.....been through it so I understand. Hugs
Gaeta Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Lilly: You did everything already that needed to be done. * You asked him (3 times over a period of 1 month) * You gave him 2 weeks of space without initiating any contact. Which I consider very generous of you. What else is there to do? How long is a woman suppose to hang on? How often do you see each other? 1
katiegrl Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 (edited) Lilly: You did everything already that needed to be done. * You asked him (3 times over a period of 1 month) * You gave him 2 weeks of space without initiating any contact. Which I consider very generous of you. What else is there to do? ***How long is a woman suppose to hang on? Good question! In my case ...I hung on until he started becoming verbally abusive ....then I left. I would NOT advise waiting that long ... I still struggle with some of the things he said to me. Big lesson learned for me. Pls don't make this same mistake lilly. Again, you don't need his permission. Protect your heart.....take care of YOU! Edited January 3, 2016 by katiegrl
Author lilly. Posted January 3, 2016 Author Posted January 3, 2016 Lilly...agree with Gaeta about this. My story: My ex, who I was in relationship with for SIX years ....and to whom I was engaged until very recently, was acting very very strange for weeks, months actually, before it got so bad I left ...after which he finally told me what was going on -- he had gotten heavily into cocaine and meth over the summer while back east taking care of his sick mom, who later passed. Come to think of it, he displayed many of the same behaviors your boyfriend is exhibiting right now. We were living together, but he would not speak to me, was gone a lot *working* and basically shut me out. I was shocked, I am still in shock actually. Never ever thought in a zillion years he would be "the type" to get into that shyt. I later found out that he had been doing coke and and meth off and on throughout our entire relationship! Not saying this is what is happening with yours, but never say "my boyfriend is not like that" because you just don't know ...and things are not always what they appear to be. What the heck! That is so insane. You seem to be handling it well, kudos. So sorry that happened to you. I say that he's "not like that" because we were close friends for a couple years, but I have known him by association for much longer. Our families are close and we have many mutual friends. It is true though that you just never know, but I am also trying to be objective about it and hoping for the best.
basil67 Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 I am trying to be objective about this. Realized I do know men who completely shut down when they need space and only reach out when they need/want to. Maybe he is re-evaluating us. Bottom line is he is keeping me out and that's not okay. Yes, there are men who completely shut down when they need space. But is this a trait you want in a partner? Imagine being married to the guy and finding that he would shut you out for weeks on end if something was up. My sister had this with her ex and he'd even shut the kids out if he was bothered. Wouldn't you be better off finding a man who communicates when he has issues? And you're right on the money about it not being OK. Don't wait much longer for him to come out of this funk. And even if/when he does come out, you really need to think about if this is something you can accept in your life. 1
katiegrl Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 (edited) What the heck! That is so insane. You seem to be handling it well, kudos. So sorry that happened to you. I say that he's "not like that" because we were close friends for a couple years, but I have known him by association for much longer. Our families are close and we have many mutual friends. It is true though that you just never know, but I am also trying to be objective about it and hoping for the best. Thanks lilly ...but believe me ....I have my moments, but for the most part, I am okay. There is more to my story ....things that came down that made it *easier* for me to walk away though.... The whole sorted story is in the "transitioning/getting married" section, and then a second thread in the break-up section.....if you are interested. For me, I find reading about what others were/had experienced helped me and continues to help me in my recovery. Edited January 3, 2016 by katiegrl
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