Am I being needy?

[lilly.]

My boyfriend has been increasingly distant for about a month now. When we are together he is the same sweet guy I fell in love with, but when we are apart communication goes way down.

 

He barely contacts me anymore, only when he wants to see me or has a quick question. When I text him or call him, it takes hours to get a reply or return call, if at all. This is very bothersome because it's so unlike him. I'm so used to him checking in all the time and never making me wait for a response, so of course I noticed the change in his behavior.

 

I asked if he was okay and he said it was nothing. He was stressed about work. Intuition told me it was something else, but fine. I let it go. Gave him his space, let him do all the initiating.

 

Two weeks pass by and communication was even less than before. Asked him again, said it was nothing, still work and the holidays. Ok, I let it go.

 

We weren't able to spend Christmas and New Year together. I spent it with family on the other side of the country and he stayed here with his son and parents. I barely heard from him.

 

He didn't even call or text on Christmas. I was the one who greeted him after waiting all day. He said he was just busy with family. Same on New Year. This time, he said he had a really bad cold and took strong medicine and was asleep all day. Yet, he was active on Facebook and Instagram.

 

I got back earlier today and had a talk with him. He told me I was overreacting and that it's not a big deal if communication has gone down because it doesn't mean anything. He used to say communication was very important. He said I was pushing him away by continuously bringing up this issue. I have been so patient with him and this is what I get?

 

He made me feel like I was being needy for wanting to know what is going on and wanting communication to go back to the way they used to be. He told me that whatever the reasons are, to please trust him to work it out and that it has nothing to do with another woman or him changing how he feels about me.

 

So am I being needy? Honestly I don't know what to do right now so I'm leaving it alone and the ball on his court, see what happens when things go back to normal now that the holidays are over. I feel like giving up because I feel alone and abandoned in this relationship.

 

What would you guys do?

 

I'm so sad and feel hopeless. It really put a damper on the holidays.

Edited January 3, 2016 by lilly.

[Gaeta]

I am sorry lili, that really sucks. No you are not being needy. You are experiencing an important change in your relationship dynamic, it's normal your alarm is going off.

 

How long have you been dating?

 

My nose it telling me he met someone else. I need to know how long you've been dating before commenting more.

[ExpatInItaly]

How long have you been together?

 

I don't think you're needy for bringing up your concern, especially about being more or less out of contact on Christmas and New Year's Eve. That would worry anyone whose partner is normally much more communicative.

 

For the time being, I would do as he says and trust that it's not about you or the relationship. It's hard, but I'd give him the benefit of the doubt for a little whie longer and be patient. Men do sometimes pull back and isolate a bit if they're sick, stressed, working out a problem. If it keeps up after a couple weeks, I would re-address and ask him what the issue is, exactly.

 

I've experienced this a couple times with boyfriends. In most cases, they were working through their own stuff and bounced back to "normal" after a bit. In only one case was he actually checking out of the relationship.

[lilly.]

I am sorry lili, that really sucks. No you are not being needy. You are experiencing an important change in your relationship dynamic, it's normal your alarm is going off.

 

How long have you been dating?

 

My nose it telling me he met someone else. I need to know how long you've been dating before commenting more.

 

It does suck.

 

We have been together for a year and a few months. Knew him for a couple years before that, we're friends before dating.

 

My gut is telling me that it's not someone else, but something he is going through but doesn't want to tell me for whatever reason.

 

I am not worried about losing him or anything like that, but I am worried about him and how he is treating me.

[lilly.]

How long have you been together?

 

I don't think you're needy for bringing up your concern, especially about being more or less out of contact on Christmas and New Year's Eve. That would worry anyone whose partner is normally much more communicative.

 

For the time being, I would do as he says and trust that it's not about you or the relationship. It's hard, but I'd give him the benefit of the doubt for a little whie longer and be patient. Men do sometimes pull back and isolate a bit if they're sick, stressed, working out a problem. If it keeps up after a couple weeks, I would re-address and ask him what the issue is, exactly.

 

I've experienced this a couple times with boyfriends. In most cases, they were working through their own stuff and bounced back to "normal" after a bit. In only one case was he actually checking out of the relationship.

 

Thanks I am trying very hard to be even more patient and give him the benefit of the doubt. It is very difficult though so I am giving him even more space which is also helping me cope.

 

I really hope it's just a pulling back phase, with work, the holidays and him being sick piling up.

 

What really bothered me is his reaction during our talk. Because I personally don't think I am overreacting. And for him to say that the change in communication doesn't mean anything, because it certainly means a hell of a lot to me.

[lilly.]

He also said I was focusing too much on our relationship (how can I not with the way things have been?), so from now on I will stop giving it attention. I don't know if that's the right move, but it feels like it's what I have to do to gain my sanity back.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks I am trying very hard to be even more patient and give him the benefit of the doubt. It is very difficult though so I am giving him even more space which is also helping me cope.

 

I really hope it's just a pulling back phase, with work, the holidays and him being sick piling up.

 

What really bothered me is his reaction during our talk. Because I personally don't think I am overreacting. And for him to say that the change in communication doesn't mean anything, because it certainly means a hell of a lot to me.

 

That's what I would be mindful of moving forward.

 

But, I think this also depends on how you presented your concerns to him. Sometimes people respond to the way he did when they're on the defensive. What did you say to him, exactly? That might help explain his seemingly dismissive answer.

 

All you can really do is keep busy with your own stuff in the meantime. See how the next few weeks go, and give yourself a mental deadline to readdress it. If he's just pulling back due to stress/illness/etc, he will appreciate that you've given him a bit of breathing room. If he's pulling back because he's lost interest, there's not much you can do to prevent it, unfortunately.

 

EDIT: His comment about focusing too much on the relationship is important - in general, how's your life apart from him? In other words, do you have a social circle, interests, what not?

[Gaeta]

I am sorry for insisting.

 

Withdrawing from a relationship because of outside stress does not last over 1 month. Did he tell you specifically what is going on at work that causes him that much stress? If not ask him the story. People overwhelmed with stress at work will become impatient, they will lose interest in certain things, will lose appetite or sleep, but they're not gonna check out of a relationship for a whole month.

[Gaeta]

He also said I was focusing too much on our relationship (how can I not with the way things have been?), so from now on I will stop giving it attention. I don't know if that's the right move, but it feels like it's what I have to do to gain my sanity back.

 

Honey, after 1 year dating it's time to focus on your relationship, NOT the other way around.

 

I am afraid your boyfriend is checking out of your relationship. I am sticking to my gut instinct there is someone else. He may not be dating her but she got his attention. Men don't check out of relationship without having their eye on someone else.

 

I think you need to break up with him.

[Xiomn]

My boyfriend has been increasingly distant for about a month now. When we are together he is the same sweet guy I fell in love with, but when we are apart communication goes way down.

 

He barely contacts me anymore, only when he wants to see me or has a quick question. When I text him or call him, it takes hours to get a reply or return call, if at all. This is very bothersome because it's so unlike him. I'm so used to him checking in all the time and never making me wait for a response, so of course I noticed the change in his behavior.

 

I asked if he was okay and he said it was nothing. He was stressed about work. Intuition told me it was something else, but fine. I let it go. Gave him his space, let him do all the initiating.

 

Two weeks pass by and communication was even less than before. Asked him again, said it was nothing, still work and the holidays. Ok, I let it go.

 

We weren't able to spend Christmas and New Year together. I spent it with family on the other side of the country and he stayed here with his son and parents. I barely heard from him.

 

He didn't even call or text on Christmas. I was the one who greeted him after waiting all day. He said he was just busy with family. Same on New Year. This time, he said he had a really bad cold and took strong medicine and was asleep all day. Yet, he was active on Facebook and Instagram.

 

I got back earlier today and had a talk with him. He told me I was overreacting and that it's not a big deal if communication has gone down because it doesn't mean anything. He used to say communication was very important. He said I was pushing him away by continuously bringing up this issue. I have been so patient with him and this is what I get?

 

He made me feel like I was being needy for wanting to know what is going on and wanting communication to go back to the way they used to be. He told me that whatever the reasons are, to please trust him to work it out and that it has nothing to do with another woman or him changing how he feels about me.

 

So am I being needy? Honestly I don't know what to do right now so I'm leaving it alone and the ball on his court, see what happens when things go back to normal now that the holidays are over. I feel like giving up because I feel alone and abandoned in this relationship.

 

What would you guys do?

 

I'm so sad and feel hopeless. It really put a damper on the holidays.

 

Nope you're not being needy OP. Definitely seems like lack of communication going on in this relationship, not even a call around Christmas for your loved one? I'd express your wishes for more communication between you both but if you've already approached him about it and he sees nothing wrong with it and he said you're overreacting I'd be wary of bringing it up again because he might start to get annoyed with you constantly bringing it up. If you're not happy OP and he isn't responding to what you want (it's not much to ask for a little more communication, what's so hard about that?) then maybe you should re-evaluate whether you want to be in this relationship if your feel sad, hopeless, lonely and abandoned in it. That is NOT how a relationship should make you feel.

[katiegrl]

Honey, after 1 year dating it's time to focus on your relationship, NOT the other way around.

 

I am afraid your boyfriend is checking out of your relationship. I am sticking to my gut instinct there is someone else. He may not be dating her but she got his attention. Men don't check out of relationship without having their eye on someone else.

 

I think you need to break up with him.

 

^^This!

 

Although I cannot say for sure if he has met someone else, but FOR SURE, he wants out of your relationship. Sorry.

 

Clearly, he is slowly fading hoping you will get the message and break up with him, so he doesn't have to be the "bad guy.". Classic.

 

Stop trying to talk to him about this. All that will do is annoy him, which is precisely what is happening now....

 

You cannot force (or IMO even ask) a man to give you more (be more attentive, loving, caring, etc,).......because if he *wanted* to give you more, he would be! All on his own, NOT because you had to ask him to.

 

He is pulling away, and if it were me.... I would too, or better yet, just tell him the relationship has run its course and you wish him well.

 

Do not be angry when you end it....do not start a fight about it.

 

Be gracious .....wish him the best, hope everything works out for him, and then walk away quietly.......

 

IMO you don't have much choice, as the way he is treating you now will only continue to bring you down, make you feel worse, and lower your self-esteem.

 

You need to protect your own heart here, and take care of YOU......cause sweetie no one else will.

 

Again, so sorry.

 

hugs

 

Edited to add: and no I do not think you are being " needy" for wanting (needing) him to be a loving caring boyfriend! We all need those things from our partner!

 

He is on his way out, so let him go and look for someone else who loves and cares about you ....and of course vice versa as well.

Edited January 3, 2016 by katiegrl

[insert_name]

Ive seen both sides of the coin to the whole texting thing recently and from that experience I would say this is bad news.

 

I was dating a girl who would message every few days, claiming she was really busy with work etc. I tried to rationalise this because I really liked her even though my gut was telling me that if someone was really interested she would be much more communicative. The dates themselves seemed to go well so that helped me give her the benefit of the doubt. However over Christmas contact dropped off completely and I have stopped initiating. I am really annoyed that now I have made myself less available her interest has not been piqued (I really thought it would have been to be honest). She has literally let me drop myself off the edge of the earth and doesn't care. Looking back now it is fairly obvious that the reason she is not wondering what has happened to me is because she was never really interested in the first place and if anything I am actually making it easy for her to disappear.

 

Contrast that with a girl I met over new years. Its the complete opposite, she seems really keen on me and is giving me the sort of attention by text that I wanted from this other girl. But this time I am not so interested and so while I usually take a while to reply anyway I am taking even longer to reply to this girl because (it does pain me to say it) she is not really a priority. This hurts me because now I understand where the mind of the girl I was dating was at. She put in as much effort as she felt she needed to, not as much effort as she thought I needed. That is it at the end of the day, its simply human nature. We will only work as hard as our own interest goes so I have to say that I agree with the others that this doesn't lookvery good at all and something is going on and whatever it is is likely to be bad news for your relationship.

 

I hear so many people talk about how things are on their dates and how this gives them security when the other person does not text them for days, IME I believe it is the opposite: people are great at faking their intentions on dates- it is far harder for them to fake their intentions between dates. If they aren't texting you it is more than likely because you aren't in their thoughts or they feel they don't need to expend any extra effort to keep you. When you meet someone you really want to be with no-one would risk losing them by going days without texting. It just doesn't make any sense, even if you are one of these 'not a big texter' type of people.

 

So if I was you I would take the classic 'mirroring'approach. When he messages, take as many days to reply as when you last heard from him and don't say too much in the text, whilst mentally preparing yourself to move on. At best, your rate of reply might make him realise he could lose you and force him to up his game.

[katiegrl]

OP....why were y'all not able to spend Christmas and New Years together?

 

And the fact he couldn't even spend two seconds wishing you a Merry Christmas or Happy New Year is very telling and frankly, pretty crappy. Especially given that you have been the one to reach out first....as of late.

 

Again, I would seriously pull back.....or just end it.

Edited January 3, 2016 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

Thanks I am trying very hard to be even more patient and give him the benefit of the doubt. It is very difficult though so I am giving him even more space which is also helping me cope.

 

I really hope it's just a pulling back phase, with work, the holidays and him being sick piling up.

 

What really bothered me is his reaction during our talk. Because I personally don't think I am overreacting. And for him to say that the change in communication doesn't mean anything, because it certainly means a hell of a lot to me.

 

lilly...... something I have learned is that relationships ebb and flow.

 

They often start out with lots of texting, calling, attention, and then at some point, one person will pull back a bit to regroup and take a breath....

 

Nothing wrong with that ....but often times what happens is the other person starts to think the worst, become insecure, anxious, and begins to chase .....by asking lots of questions, seeking reassurance, which only pushes the other person away further......sometimes for good.

 

It sounds like in this case, he had some outside pressures at first, and needed some space.

 

Instead of realizing that and doing your own thing .... you became insecure and anxious, starting probing, seeking reassurance .....which has now resulted in him becoming super annoyed with you... and pulling back even more.

 

I said earlier to end it, but after re-thinking this ......I think you should just pull back yourself and **leave him alone**.

 

IMO, many problems and issues in relationships could be avoided by simply allowing your partner their space from time to time (when it is obvious that is what they need).....and leaving them alone!

 

Just do your own thing for the next few weeks, do not call or text. Nothing.

 

Either he will realize he misses you, and will step up or he won't ...at which point THEN YOU end it.

 

Good luck!

[BluEyeL]

What Katie said. He seems to check out. So you should do the same. If he comes to you, then OK, if not, you'll know and end it. Sorry this happens. Stop asking him what's wrong, just get ready to exit if necessary.

[Maggie4]

If you peruse the break up section relationship forums, you read posts from guys saying they got dumped because they didn't treat her right, and they want to know how to get the girl back. Some of them even say, "I neglected her during the relationship. Now I am gonna do No Contact to get her back."

What!? It was the lack of contact that got the guy dumped! But notice they do know they were bad bf's.

OP if this is how your guy handles problems in a relationship, by blaming you for pushing him away, and saying you're needy, he's not a keeper imo. He is showing a certain personality trait that will not change.

Just tell him, since he's so busy, why not take a break from the relationship. And tell him, "I need time to think about what I want." And then you use the break to re-evaluate him. Once you put the RT on hiatus, you may never look back.

[Gaeta]

After ONE year dating I HOPE I can show some vulnerability to my boyfriend and ask him for re-assurance without scaring him away. This is not early dating. This is a well established relationship where you should be able to lean on your partner.

 

No Merry Xmas to girlfriend of ONE year and on top of that his request that she doesn't give too much attention to their relationship ? This is not a case of 'give him space'. It's been going on too long for just needing space. He's trying to fade away.

[katiegrl]

After ONE year dating I HOPE I can show some vulnerability to my boyfriend and ask him for re-assurance without scaring him away. This is not early dating. This is a well established relationship where you should be able to lean on your partner.

 

No Merry Xmas to girlfriend of ONE year and on top of that his request that she doesn't give too much attention to their relationship ? This is not a case of 'give him space'. It's been going on too long for just needing space. He's trying to fade away.

 

Well yeah now he is totally fading ....no merry christmas, etc most likely even wants to break up.....I was talking about at first when he had pressures, and was not giving her the same type of attention he was initially or even up to that point...due to all the shyt he had going on in his life at that time...

 

Her continuing to seek reassurance most likely pushed him right over the edge....to the point where now he has become so suffocated and annoyed, he just wants out.

 

I mean he even told her that (that she was focusing too much on the relationship, he was feeling nagged and pressured by her constantly asking about it)......many times....so obviously there is some truth to that.

 

I dunno, I just think when you recognize your partner is having pressures in his life .... and he is the type who handles that by needing lone time for a bit (and yes some people do need that)....you ask *once* what is going on ...and when he responds by telling you he is having some pressures that have nothing to do with you....then you respect that ....and pull back a bit yourself.....

 

Not continue to ask ad nauseum and seek reassurance ... again, that will only serve to annoy him, suffocate him, turn him off ...to the point where OP's boyfriend is right now .....he wants OUT.

 

I have experienced this, and my boyfriends at the time really appreciated it and in fact when he was in a better place again, our relationship grew stronger because of it.

 

JMO and experience.

Edited January 3, 2016 by katiegrl

[preraph]

Look, if it doesn't resolve itself soon enough, date other people. Start going out with friends. He doesn't sound like maybe the right match for you.

[Gaeta]

Well yeah now he is totally fading ....no merry christmas, etc most likely even wants to break up.....I was talking about at first when he had pressures, and was not giving her the same type of attention he was initially or even up to that point...due to all the shyt he had going on in his life at that time...

 

Her continuing to seek reassurance most likely pushed him right over the edge....to the point where now he has become so suffocated and annoyed, he just wants out.

 

I dunno, I just think when you recognize your partner is having pressures in his life .... and he is the type who handles that by needing lone time for a bit (and yes some people do need that)....you ask *once* what is going on ...and when he responds by telling you he is having some pressures that have nothing to do with you....then you respect that ....and pull back a bit yourself.....

 

Not continue to ask ad nauseum and seek reassurance ... again, that will only serve to annoy him, suffocate him, turn him off ...to the point where OP's boyfriend is rightvnow .....he wants OUT.

 

JMO and experience.

 

I understand having to deal with things outside the relationship. But between you and I how long do you think it's reasonable for someone to pull away from the relationship for 'exterior' reasons?

 

Feeling sh$tty for a week is ok but for an entire month? I don't buy it. And I think that's why OP has been on his case. He told her he was distant because of things at work but it never seemed to be getting better so she asked again and again.

 

I think, if he pulled back for reasons related to the relationship, then yes I can see where each time she bugs him about it he's thrown back to square 1 but but I don't see it in this case.

 

Also, if he has stress at work that affects him THAT much and is interfering in his relationship, shouldn't he be giving her the details?

[katiegrl]

I understand having to deal with things outside the relationship. But between you and I how long do you think it's reasonable for someone to pull away from the relationship for 'exterior' reasons?

 

Feeling sh$tty for a week is ok but for an entire month? I don't buy it. And I think that's why OP has been on his case. He told her he was distant because of things at work but it never seemed to be getting better so she asked again and again.

 

I think, if he pulled back for reasons related to the relationship, then yes I can see where each time she bugs him about it he's thrown back to square 1 but but I don't see it in this case.

 

Also, if he has stress at work that affects him THAT much and is interfering in his relationship, shouldn't he be giving her the details?

 

Oh I agree, one month is too long, but it is possible it has dragged on for a month simply because she **never** gave him any initial space in the first place .....she continued to text and call, seek reassurance..... so that one week he needed turned into two, then three, now four....to the point he has become so turned off, he just wants out.

 

And some people respond to pressures by needing lone time to deal with shyt alone ...not everyone is inclined to share details with their partner right off the bat.

 

Everyone is different in that regard.. and it is important to learn what type your partner is ....and respect that.

[fitnessfan365]

The main red flag is that he's changed his stance on communication. He used to think it was very important. Now he's very lackadaisical about it. This seems like a passive aggressive attempt to cover up something that's really going on.

 

But I will say though that you do seem a bit overly focused on him at times. Like tracking his activity on FB ad Instagram. I'm not saying that you don't have cause for concern because something is definitely up. I mean to not even get any sort of contact on Christmas? However, I would say that you should try to have other things in your life that keep you busy aside from just your BF.

[katiegrl]

Oh I agree, one month is too long, but it is possible it has dragged on for a month simply because she **never** gave him any initial space in the first place .....she continued to text and call, seek reassurance..... so that one week he needed turned into two, then three, now four....to the point he has become so turned off, he just wants out.

 

And some people respond to pressures by needing lone time to deal with shyt alone ...not everyone is inclined to share details with their partner right off the bat.

 

Everyone is different in that regard.. and it is important to learn what type your partner is ....and respect that.

 

To add cuz I could not edit .....IMO it's about emotional compatibility, understanding and communication.

 

It doesn't sound like much of that exists here on either side.

 

He needs more space, she needs more time ...she takes his needing space personally and seeks reassurance, which HE doesn't understand and thinks she's being a needy nag.

 

Perhaps they should just end it...and find others who suit each of them better.

[Gaeta]

 

I let it go. Gave him his space, let him do all the initiating.

 

Two weeks pass by and communication was even less than before. Asked him again, said it was nothing, still work and the holidays. Ok, I let it go.

 

She gave him space, she let him do all the initiating for 2 weeks.

[lilly.]

Oh I agree, one month is too long, but it is possible it has dragged on for a month simply because she **never** gave him any initial space in the first place .....she continued to text and call, seek reassurance..... so that one week he needed turned into two, then three, now four....to the point he has become so turned off, he just wants out.

 

And some people respond to pressures by needing lone time to deal with shyt alone ...not everyone is inclined to share details with their partner right off the bat.

 

Everyone is different in that regard.. and it is important to learn what type your partner is ....and respect that.

 

?????

 

I asked him a total of three times (including yesterday's talk) and let him initiate contact to give him space. Said that in my original post.

 

I do wonder if maybe I had initiated more things would have been different? Maybe because I didn't contact him enough? I don't know, I'm letting it be and trying not to think about it for now.

 

For the record, in the three times that I asked, it was never to seek reassurance about our relationship or how he feels about me. I'm secure in that aspect. If he wanted to leave me then that is fine, it's his loss, I am not worried.

 

What I was worried about was him. If HE was okay and if there is anything I can do to make things better. It also worried me that whatever it was, to reassure him that I am here for support.