How do I move on?

[Katie_B_2016]

I will try to keep this as short as possible but it is a very long story so apologies in advance and thanks for taking the time to read and offer me advice.

 

My ex-boyfriend and I were together almost two years. We met and fell in love very quickly. He is 6 years older than me. I am 30 years old. He has two children from his previous marriage which lasted around 6 years (one child has a disability). We met through work. We are both in a caring profession. We both have very professional and good jobs. He is fantastic at his job due to his life experiences (see below).

 

We had a wonderful relationship, got on very well, had great chemistry. We loved each other very much and friends and family always commented on how smitten he was with me. I know this is true because I also felt very loved by him. The only issues we had were in respect of his children as this was sometimes difficult but we spoke about our feelings and often came to compromises.

 

So, his history is very shady. He grew up with a mother who showed him no love or affection. She had significant mental health issues. His step father (who he believed to be his real father until he was in his teens) was extremely violent to his mother but also him and his sister. He reports living a life where they were constantly on edge and frightened. He started to misuse drugs at a very young age. He became a heroin addict and was homeless for a period of time.

 

He has no real friends, mostly acquaintances but is a very sociable and endearing person. Everyone likes him. He has hardly any relationship with his mother and this is very strained. She does not speak very positively of him. They don't really get along. He told me that he does not like to let people 'in'. His only relationships are with his children.

 

He turned his life around following support through people he had met and turned to the church for support. He reports that he decided one day that he was going to change his life and at this point found religion which helped him through. He is a Christian. He has been free from drugs for over ten years. He reported that he never believed that this life was for him. He is a very soft, gentle and kind man.

 

It is after this time that he met his ex-wife. He reports that he had never believed that marriage was for him and they married very quickly. They went on to have a child and he reports that he started to discover how different they both were to each other. She was from a different country and they had very little in common. I have met her and I believe that this is true. Due to his faith, he persevered with this relationship. They went on to have another child. When this child was around 18 months old, he decided he could no longer continue the relationship as it was making everyone unhappy and was becoming damaging so he left. He rented a house not far from his children and their mother and had the children every weekend.

 

He met me around 12 months after this time. We had a connection I feel is indescribable. He frequently told me that he hurt people and would end things with me before they got serious. He did this a number of times but he would always gravitate back towards me and he would tell me that he wanted to be with me. I supported him a great deal. I believed he was frightened because his relationship had not worked out and he felt very guilty so I talked to him and helped him through this stage in his life. He thanked me for my support. His issues were so great at this point that he found it difficult to sleep and would have pains in his chest. He described feeling very guilty and torn. We had difficulties having sex but I stood by him throughout.

 

Following this time, I moved in with him. He told me I was the only person that had ever looked out for him and loved him. We fell madly in love. We had no problems of him ending the relationship or acting scared again. We lived together for around 12 months and this period of time was extremely happy. He told me all of the time that I was perfect for him and that he found me so beautiful. i have never ever felt so loved.

 

We went away for a long trip in January 2015. We had an amazing time. I had already decided that I would be moving back to my parents for a year for me to be able to save enough money for us to have a deposit on a house. He was unable to move with me as this was 100 miles away and he could not be that far from the children. We made a plan that we would come back together in twelve months and buy a house. We would see each other as often as possible and we spoke very day three times a day. We would also skype every night.

 

In February (when I had moved away) he ended the relationship with me after we had a conversation about his children and some difficulties I was having. He did this over the phone. He said he could not continue. I was devastated. He then sent me a message stating that he was sorry he had reacted like that but when he feels overwhelmed he would close off. He stated that he knew it was stupid but that he loved me so much and was sorry. We talked and we resumed our relationship.

 

Things were intense at this time as I felt really insecure, living so far away and feeling that he might just end the relationship. I lost my trust in him and our relationship became damaged. He told me point blank that he would never ever do something like that to me again and that I was his priority in life. He stated that he loved me and could not believe that he had almost let me go. I started to trust him again and things went back to normal.

 

Fast forward two months and I went to stay with him for a bank holiday weekend. We had a lovely weekend and were intimate and told each other how much we loved each other. It was perfect and we were so happy tp be together. He looked me in the eyes and said 'I won't ever run away from you again Kate, I will always be here for you, you are my life'. I started to feel very secure again. I was so happy.

 

We went to visit my sister who had recently had a baby and he told her that he was looking forward to our future together. One night we watched a programme about babies being born and a baby was in special care. He said 'I could never go through that again' (meaning when his son was poorly). I thought nothing of it. Later he said 'I don't think I could go through that again'. I asked him what he meant and got upset and said 'please don't mess me around, I don't want this to be constantly up and down'. We went to bed.

 

The next morning, I awoke to find him sat at the end of the bed with his head in his hands. I sensed something was wrong and different. He pushed me away and his demeanour changed. He said 'I can’t do this'. I was devastated. I sat on the floor and cried and he would not explain. He went limp and cold and would not look at me despite my reactions. I had no choice but to leave. That was the worst 100 mile drive of me life. I was broken.

 

I called him once I reached home and he did not answer. He had gone to work. I called him that evening and he was cold again. He said he was sorry but was unable to give me the things I wanted. I could not persuade him to change his mind. I decided after that call that I had to walk away. It took everything I had but I did not contact him. He made no attempts to contact me apart from a couple of texts where he told me to 'spread your wings' and stated he was so sorry for everything and to apologise to my family for hurting me.

 

I have never ever been so hurt. I tried my hardest to move on. I have friends who have been a great support. I went to work every day and saved thousands of pounds as was planned. I sat in my car at lunch times and cried for an hour every lunch break just to release the pain inside. I am much stronger now and have been on a number of dates. I continue to be on dating sites. My friends tell me I wll move on and that I am away to good a catch to be single forever.

 

In July I went to collect the rest of my belongings. I thought maybe enough time had passed. I stayed as strong as I could and spoke to him for a couple of hours. He explained that he could not give me the things I wanted and that he did not want any more children or to get married. He was sorry for telling me he wanted those things. He stated that he did not need any more responsibility in his life. He already had enough. He did not want to be with anyone at this time. He stated I deserved better. I told him once again that I would be there for him but that I wanted ton have a family with him where his children would always be welcome. He held my hands and told me he could not give me 100%. He told me he had let me down. He told me I as beautiful and the best person he has ever met. I left and I deleted his number from my phone. I decided I had to move on for my own health.

 

Fast forward to my 30th Birthday (we had a holiday booked). I heard nothing. Two weeks after, he sent a message telling me happy belated birthday. He then sent another two stating that he was sorry to have text and that is was selfish. He said he was thinking of me as he had been reminded. I did not respond. I deleted this text.

 

He continues to work with my old colleagues who state that he talks about me whenever he can. He drops my name into conversation at any point despite it not being relevant. He also stated that he had been on a date but had not continued as he did not feel the same way as he did about me. He told my best friend that he loves me and that he does not want to know about me moving on. That I would meet someone and love again but he would never meet anyone like me again.

 

He has been seen wearing my scarf that I left behind. He told people it belonged to me and that I always bought his clothes as I had a good eye for fashion.

 

I have never heard from him directly again.

 

As you can imagine, 2015 was an extremely difficult time for me. I have dated but have realised that it was far too soon. I get messages from guys all of the time telling me I am lovely. I met a guy I liked and he told me he had never met anyone like me and that I was the most beautiful girl he had been with. He was handsome, had a good job, his own house and everything going for him but it was too soon. No one I meet matches up to my ex and I know I cannot continue to date until I am over the relationship.

 

I still struggle to sleep some nights as I worry he will meet someone else. I know this is wrong and I should move on but I loved him more than I have anyone else ever and I am frightened I will never find love again like it. I miss his friendship and I miss being intimate with him. I have never had sex with anyone in like that before. I felt like he saw inside of me. I am still in love with him and I am scared I always will be.

 

I know he will struggle to meet someone else and it is likely that he will continue to encounter the same problems again. It’s just I want to be with him and I wonder if I should take action.

 

So, do I just continue to do what I am doing? Keep busy, date guys, go out with friends, save money, work hard and hope that with time I will forget him and meet someone else. Or should I write him a letter and tell him how I still feel. I am worried he thinks I have moved on. Maybe he feels he has made a mistake but does not want to contact me in case I reject him?

 

If he loved me so much, why would he walk away? How can he just never speak to me again and let me meet another man?

 

Thanks for reading. Any advice or positive thoughts will be appreciated.

 

Kate x

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[Sar112]

I felt so much for you reading this, as I feel it could easily have been me writing these words.

 

My ex told me the exact same same things - that he loved me but that he couldn't give me everything I deserved/wanted. We had broken up once before years ago but he came back telling me that I was the love of his life. When he ended it a second time - he maintained that he knew he would never find anyone as 'perfect' and that he would more than likely end up alone because of his issues. I don't know whether these things they say are just to ease their guilt/the hurt they cause or whether they are true?

 

Either way, like you - I have tried talking to/arranging dates with other guys and always get plenty of interest, but it never feels 'right' with them. They might be better looking/more successful/kinder than my ex but I just don't feel the same connection with them - I feel he was my soulmate and that I have lost the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with.

 

It's the worst feeling in the world, but as he has failed to reach out to me himself even once since the break up, I feel that the only thing I can do is continue to at least try and move on and hope that someone comes along who I do feel that same connection with. I wouldn't advise getting in touch with him as if he really wanted to talk to you/to try again then he would contact you - he wouldn't risk letting you meet someone else.

 

Maybe one day he will be in touch - I am still holding onto this hope (which I know I perhaps shouldn't be), but I think you need to continue to focus on you and realise that the ball is in his court. He chose to end things and it is down to him to come back now if he regrets it. If he does then you need to decide whether he is worth giving another chance.

 

I really hope you get what you want either way as I know how draining and hopeless it feels to be like this. Best wishes and good luck.

[Lostweekend]

My advice would be to move on! He seems damaged and is causing you hurt! You must remember to look out for number one. (YOU!!) It really doesn´t matter if he speaks about you to your friends and colleagues in my opinion. It´s what he says and does directly to you. Actions speak louder than words and so far his actions are hurting you!!

[Katie_B_2016]

Thanks for your responses. I'm sorry to hear that you have also been through this pain. I have read books regarding commitment phobia. Have you thought about this? It heped me marginally to feel better.

 

You are right, I know I should just move on. At the end of the day he is a father of two children and I am a young successful woman and I know he will not find another who wil love him the way I did.

 

I hope you too find happiness and move forward with your life. I hope that we find the love we deserve.

 

Kate x

[Katie_B_2016]

PS: How long were you together, how long have you been apart?

[Sar112]

Thanks Kate - I hope we all find someone that is willing to love us in the same way we love them. I'm also glad that you realise your worth in being a successful young woman - people keep telling me the same thing and I know it's true, it's always harder to accept in these circumstances though as I'm sure you're well aware.

 

We were together 3 years initially - spent 6 apart (though he was always in contact every few months during this time - seeing how I was/whether I was with someone new etc... as though he was trying to gage whether or not I would be interested). I spent two of these years with another guy, yet it didn't seem to put him off. I know he has had other girlfriends too but all of them relatively short term.

 

We spent another 2 years together this time around. Everything had seemed 'perfect' until he sprung this on me. I know it is hard when people have their own issues that we think may be at the heart of them making these decisions, but at the end of the day, the only person that can decide to seek help for these issues is them. It is sad to see the issues have such an effect on their ability to be happy but it is down to them to face them.

 

I hope that eventually both of them see the mistake they have made.

[Katie_B_2016]

I'm not sure I will ever find another that makes me feel the way he did. I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes because I get scared I won't ever find love again.

 

I think maybe I am being picky and I am just sabotaging everything that isn't him. I genuinely don't think I will ever find a connection like that again. Do you think this is the case?

[Katie_B_2016]

Also, how old are you if you don't mind me asking. Do you think your ex has commitment issues and if so, did he have a difficult childhood?

[Sar112]

I don't mind at all - I'm 28 and he is the same age... we met at school originally.

 

He does have commitment issues, though nothing happened in his childhood to trigger these that I am aware of. I believe his father suffered with similar issues though - I know he had at least one affair whilst with his mother, though they are still together and have been for nearly thirty years. I believe it was him that found out about the affair and his mother has told him she will never truly forgive his father despite being happy now - I wonder whether this may have had an effect? He doesn't want to hurt people and have them never forgive him? I know he has cheated on the girlfriends he had whilst we weren't together and I think he wants to avoid doing that to me...

 

His main issue is his severe anxiety. He apparently cannot cope with having to be responsible for someone else's happiness as well as trying to maintain his own - he tells me he struggles on a daily basis just to 'appear normal' to people.

 

I have encouraged him to seek help but he doesn't appear interested and would rather avoid dealing with it - accepting the fact he may just end up alone as a result.

 

I feel exactly the same as you - that I will never find this connection with someone else again. So many people find him to be boring/too sarcastic... you name it. But to me we just fit. I too have panics thinking I will never be able to love this way again, but I hope this is not the case.

 

Only time will tell I suppose... one thing I do know is that I need to at least give other people a chance otherwise I will never know. I haven't managed it yet but I am working on it. Perhaps you should do the same?

 

I believe that if they want to come back then they will, but that this may take many months if not years - if only due to them being stubborn. In the meantime we must try to get stronger and spend time learning to truly love ourselves again so as to feel so independent that we needn't rely on anyones presence.