soph-walker Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Hello there Whilst it's a given that bringing up exes on a date is a no no, there comes a point in your adult dating life where you may wish to share your thoughts on your romances past..with the person you are on a date with. I'm not talking about bringing up their underwear size or what they liked to watch on telly, nor do I advocate trashing them to your date. This leads me to ask, do you think it's acceptable to mention exes on a date with someone, as a way of being honest? (This includes if your date told you they were a divorcee or whatever). Would you see red flags or just someone comfortable enough in themselves to discuss their life experiences in dating and love? Surely it can't all be small talk if you meet someone?
Snakechammah Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Not at all! The more honest and open, the better it is for me! On my first date with my crush, I blabbed my entire love-life story to him. It's a long one, mind you, but all he wanted to know - fidgeting through the hour-long documentary - was how many guys I've actually slept with. He was very happy with the answer and that's the only thing that matters. To me, to get it out early is best so we both are fully informed about each other's intentions/past love/sexual history so no one is caught surprised in future. Also, to me, I can gauge the type of boyfriend/lover he will be just by talking about his exes. If he's been in so many ONS, or if he is mostly into long-term relationships, or if he is a virgin or if he has so many FWBs.... And how he talks about his exes... "she was psycho!!" vs "she was the love of my life" or "I can't even remember her name!"... you will know what to expect from the guy, or if there will be ex drama in future... Honesty is the best policy. Granted, not everyone will be forthcoming, but I do have a way to sweetly pull these info out from him.. without blatantly asking... 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 I think it's fine to gloss over it, on the first few dates, maybe 'so how long have you been single?' or disclosing that you recently divorced, but that's as far as it needs to go. For example I think all I said on my first date with my partner was that I'd been mostly single for around a year since my ex and I split and moved out, other than a few month thing across the middle of the year. It's okay if 'so what was your longest relationship' comes up too. I don't think it's appropriate to go into any further details at that stage, names, specific dates, who said what, who left who, the reasons it ended, if a guy started to tell me all of that on a date or mentioned his ex more than once it would lead me to believe he wasn't over her and kill my attraction. You're there to see if you like and are compatible with this brand new person sat across you who's taken time out of their life to meet with you. Why spend the evening talking about exes who are gone and forgotten about?
basil67 Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 I've never minded hearing about an ex. Though the way they are spoken about may trigger flags. For instance, if a person talks about how ALL their exes have hurts them terribly or used and abused - I'll probably walk away thinking that nobody is that unlucky and there's something wrong with my date. If a date told me that they have trust issues because of an ex or is still in love, my take away will be that they aren't ready to date. But if we're talking about a destination or a band or hobby and my date says they did that with the ex, I'd be totally fine with it. 1
Author soph-walker Posted January 3, 2016 Author Posted January 3, 2016 Not at all! The more honest and open, the better it is for me! On my first date with my crush, I blabbed my entire love-life story to him. It's a long one, mind you, but all he wanted to know - fidgeting through the hour-long documentary - was how many guys I've actually slept with. He was very happy with the answer and that's the only thing that matters. To me, to get it out early is best so we both are fully informed about each other's intentions/past love/sexual history so no one is caught surprised in future. Also, to me, I can gauge the type of boyfriend/lover he will be just by talking about his exes. If he's been in so many ONS, or if he is mostly into long-term relationships, or if he is a virgin or if he has so many FWBs.... And how he talks about his exes... "she was psycho!!" vs "she was the love of my life" or "I can't even remember her name!"... you will know what to expect from the guy, or if there will be ex drama in future... Honesty is the best policy. Granted, not everyone will be forthcoming, but I do have a way to sweetly pull these info out from him.. without blatantly asking... What you wrote is spot on for me, I've been dating for 10+ years (edit: I should have said I started my 'dating life' 10years ago) and to discuss ex relationships or dating experience is for me, quite refreshing and like you say, can give you an idea of how your date may behave if you were to get closer. I think it's healthy to talk about past experiences in life as they help shape who you are in the present. That being said, there's a right way to talk about it and what you posted hit the nail on the head 1
Brapting Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 he is a virgin Out of interest has a guy ever been honest with you about this on a first date? What happened? How did you take it? If it hasn't happened, what would you do? By this I mean, how do you think that you would react? What would happen during and after? (What you would do...not what you would like to do, or think that you should do)
Gaeta Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 I always ask during one of our first dates why their marriage failed. I don't want a 10 chapter book on it but I want a short summarize. I want to know where they're coming from. I am not interested in the fine details of their past. 1
Xiomn Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 I wouldn't have a problem bringing it up if someone were to ask me about it, just got to be careful not to get carried away by reliving all the memories/emotions again by talking about it. 2
Snakechammah Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Out of interest has a guy ever been honest with you about this on a first date? What happened? How did you take it? If it hasn't happened, what would you do? By this I mean, how do you think that you would react? What would happen during and after? (What you would do...not what you would like to do, or think that you should do) Yes, my dear. 3 of my exes were virgins (two were 21 at the time I was dating them/I was 5 years older and the other one was 27). I knew this before our first date (all LDR). All of them I later met in person (and they were still virgins when we broke up!) I don't mind virgins but I do mind if he has scored 100+ chicks!
Toodaloo Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 I think a general glossing over is fine. Going in depth when you have only known someone a short while is really way too much. If I guy did that with me (and some have) then I am outta there quicker than a Jack Rabbit or a Ferret up a tree. Besides, why the hell do you want to talk about exes instead of getting to know each other? Look forward not back! All you need to know is that they are not a total twassock and that they are sound of mind. You can gauge that from a glossing over. You don't need full on heart to hearts about why your ex annoyed you because he didn't put the loo seat down or why he broke your heart... move on! Not every man nor woman is the same. If you are not over it then in my opinion you are not ready to date sound sane people... If someone started going on about their ex I would be worried and out of there... I am not trying to date their ex. I am trying to date them! 1
LydiaLong Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Look. Don't screw up your first date talking about your past love life. If she asks a specific question, then answer it. Otherwise, talk about things that stimulate the intellect. What book you're reading. Favorite movies. Things you like to do, like hiking, photography, etc. Find something in common with her. If you don't have anything in common with her, your old sex life won't be relevant.
road Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 It is one thing to talk about relationships in general. Though best to not talk about your own past relationships or ask about theirs. However when there is a red flag then careful examination is needed.
d0nnivain Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 It's OK on a 1st date to ask if the other person has ever been married or have kids. That is as far as the conversation should go on a 1st date IMO. Over the next few dates a cursory overview of the general dating history is fine. If one person is treating the date more like free psychotherapy, that is a problem.
Author soph-walker Posted January 3, 2016 Author Posted January 3, 2016 Look. Don't screw up your first date talking about your past love life. If she asks a specific question, then answer it. Otherwise, talk about things that stimulate the intellect. What book you're reading. Favorite movies. Things you like to do, like hiking, photography, etc. Find something in common with her. If you don't have anything in common with her, your old sex life won't be relevant. I do agree with what you're saying and also with the rest of the posts on here about not divulging too much too soon. I really do think it's not a good sign. I do think it's a good sign if you're able to talk about exes with a little humour, and what life lessons they have taught you. I think this shows maturity. In my previous recent dates, I think it's been a case of a quick gloss over the ex situation or ignore it all together (where my dates have been concerned- they've not generally asked much) A guy I went on a date with recently spoke fairly briefly but candidly about his divorced status and I thought it was refreshing. He didn't bad mouth his ex, just told me why they didn't work out. Then he asked me a few detailed q's about my most recent relationship which I was fairly surprised by..its not been my experience in dating for the guy to ask directly about my ex and details of why we broke up. I'm not sure if this is a sign he was interested in me/sensing what I am looking for.
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