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Ex(dumper) is texting that he is scared!

Glx

By Glx
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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TaraMaiden2 Established Member

TaraMaiden2

Posted
Posted

Let me give you an adage which has always, but always, without fail, stood me in absolutely perfect stead:

 

If it feels good, do it;

When in doubt - don't.

 

Here's the thing:

You feel uneasy.

You feel the trust is gone.

You fear he will play the "I can't do this" card...

 

Let me tell you, all of the above are absolutely spot-on justified, and I know it's very hard to stop your heart from making decisions but your HEAD is screaming at you and trying to talk sense and ferphuk'ssake you really need - to - listen.

 

I'm so sorry, but the first thing I thought when I read your post was "Damn, the bastard's messing with her already....It hasn't even been 2 days amd already he's playing yo-yo with her....!"

 

I swear to all that's holy all he's doing is feeding his own ego.

 

Do you know why, in this case, I really, truly believe I am 100% right on this?

Because it's exactly, precisely, what my very first love ever, did to me.

Boy, he messed me up real good.....

Dumped me and left.

Came back almost immediately telling me he had made a huge mistake, we should try again, he couldn't live without me...

Within a month, he'd crashed and burnt me to a pile of useless, worthless dust.....

 

Please, don't be me.

Tell him you cannot and will not be used like this. Because forgive me, but helldammit, that's what I see him doing.

This gives him permission to crap on you, in the safe knowledge that you love him enough to take it all.

 

I know - honest too goodness, believe me, I know - this hurts more than anything ever could.

 

But tell him - NO.

spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

Posted
Posted
And this also: "i am willing to give a relationship one more chance but i am hesitating. but i feel like you can convince me"

 

What he is doing is very strange. He is half asking you to persuade him to try again whilst at the same time saying he thinks you both might make the mistakes again.

 

He seems to be hinting at you taking on a minimal form of the relationship, still being involved but not as much as before - "taking it slowly". Why should you accept any terms? He broke up with you.

 

In your shoes, I would not accept him back, certainly not if he was setting down terms like that. Nothing but an abject apology would do and a promise to mend his ways.

  • Like 1
BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

Posted
Posted

I think you are right to feel uneasy and mistrust him. He has really been jerking your chain for the past few weeks, and, all of a sudden, he shows up and wants to "take is slow." That phrase is the kiss of death. I can't tell you how many threads I've read on this forum where a dumper wanted to "take it slow" or "see what happens." That is basically his way of weaning himself off of you. I think you both need at least 3-6 months of solid NC before he can decide if HE wants to try again. I feel that him rushing back to you is a knee jerk reaction because he is scared of change and because you ignored him.

 

People who are wishy washy and change their minds so quickly are not good partners. I dated a guy like that for 3 years. He put me through absolute h*ll, and it all ended in shambles. Even when it was over, he would call me, want to hang out, and he would drop those same lines. He wanted to stay friends because he wanted to see if we could work it out one day. He even said the exact same thing your ex said: He loved me, but we weren't compatible. What a bunch of BS. He cried when I moved out, said he wanted to try counseling at one point but backed out. Said he wanted to keep my engagement ring and give it to me one day. All of that is such a load of cr*p, and I bought it for 8 months. 8 months of my life wasted on this guy. I'm telling you that wishy washy people are bad news.

 

The hardest thing I ever did was cut contact with this guy. It felt like a knife to my heart, but I knew I had to walk away and never look back. Even when he contacted me months later, I never responded. I just couldn't. I later found out he had gotten engaged shortly after I cut contact. The day I found out he was engaged was the day I realized that my NC had been worth it. So that actually turned out to be a good day for me, and I was set free for good. I feel nothing but bad vibes when I think about you getting back with your ex right now. Truly, I think he will tire of you quickly, and he will end it again.

  • Like 1
TaraMaiden2 Established Member

TaraMaiden2

Posted
Posted

Love the above posts. 'Like' isn't enough.

 

Gix: Please, please, PLEASE:

 

Listen.

 

Listen, hear, follow.

Because I promise you, the two above posters make total, total sense.

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Glx Established Member

Glx

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

We saw each other a couple of times during these days and he initiated all the meetings. He came today to my place also. Everything was good, we hugged and talked about random stuff. Then he said that he started feeling confused again and that he again concentrates too much on me (that's why he doesn't want a relationship now also - because has a lot of stuff to concentrate on at this moment). And he mentioned that maybe it would be good not to see each other at all.

I acted cool and said that if he wants to go he can go. Showed no emotions, smiled all the time. I told him that what he does is not fair to my feelings. He said that he still wants to see me and invited to come to dinner to his place (he lives close to me). I told him that i won't go and he can have his space. He was dissapointed and sad that i refused and asked if it's the last time we see each other. Told him that i don't know and gave him his jacket, he said "why are you pushing me away?"

Then he added "i'm not going to beg, if you want to come to have dinner with me then come, i will wait". And he left without saying goodbye.

 

I didn't come to his place like i told him. And not planning to contact him at all.

 

but what should i do if i bump into him or he will come again to my place and try to reconcile?

 

I still want him back a lot, but i see how confused he is. He said to me that he wants us back but doesn't want a relationship at this moment though "he loves me deeply and couldn't even touch any woman during this month because he wants to be an honorable man". He asked me to not cut contact with him because "i'm his best friend" and said that it will hurt him a lot.

Edited by Glx
BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

Posted
Posted
We saw each other a couple of times during these days and he initiated all the meetings. He came today to my place also. Everything was good, we hugged and talked about random stuff. Then he said that he started feeling confused again and that he again concentrates too much on me (that's why he doesn't want a relationship now also - because has a lot of stuff to concentrate on at this moment). And he mentioned that maybe it would be good not to see each other at all.

I acted cool and said that if he wants to go he can go. Showed no emotions, smiled all the time. I told him that what he does is not fair to my feelings. He said that he still wants to see me and invited to come to dinner to his place (he lives close to me). I told him that i won't go and he can have his space. He was dissapointed and sad that i refused and asked if it's the last time we see each other. Told him that i don't know and gave him his jacket, he said "why are you pushing me away?"

Then he added "i'm not going to beg, if you want to come to have dinner with me then come, i will wait". And he left without saying goodbye.

 

I didn't come to his place like i told him. And not planning to contact him at all.

 

but what should i do if i bump into him or he will come again to my place and try to reconcile?

 

I still want him back a lot, but i see how confused he is. He said to me that he wants us back but doesn't want a relationship at this moment though "he loves me deeply and couldn't even touch any woman during this month because he wants to be an honorable man". He asked me to not cut contact with him because "i'm his best friend" and said that it will hurt him a lot.

 

All of this push and pull is to feed his ego, not because he's interested in putting in the time to pursue an actual relationship. He wants to end with the upper hand. Your rejection of his dinner invite was a big ego hit. He will keep poking until he can end this in his terms. Complete NC.

ChickiePops Established Member

ChickiePops

Posted
Posted
We saw each other a couple of times during these days and he initiated all the meetings. He came today to my place also. Everything was good, we hugged and talked about random stuff. Then he said that he started feeling confused again and that he again concentrates too much on me (that's why he doesn't want a relationship now also - because has a lot of stuff to concentrate on at this moment). And he mentioned that maybe it would be good not to see each other at all.

I acted cool and said that if he wants to go he can go. Showed no emotions, smiled all the time. I told him that what he does is not fair to my feelings. He said that he still wants to see me and invited to come to dinner to his place (he lives close to me). I told him that i won't go and he can have his space. He was dissapointed and sad that i refused and asked if it's the last time we see each other. Told him that i don't know and gave him his jacket, he said "why are you pushing me away?"

Then he added "i'm not going to beg, if you want to come to have dinner with me then come, i will wait". And he left without saying goodbye.

 

I didn't come to his place like i told him. And not planning to contact him at all.

 

but what should i do if i bump into him or he will come again to my place and try to reconcile?

 

I still want him back a lot, but i see how confused he is. He said to me that he wants us back but doesn't want a relationship at this moment though "he loves me deeply and couldn't even touch any woman during this month because he wants to be an honorable man". He asked me to not cut contact with him because "i'm his best friend" and said that it will hurt him a lot.

 

Hi GLX,

 

I'm so sorry for your pain. My ex-fiance and I broke up about a year ago and I spent a year going through exactly what you're going through. I know every person and every relationship are different, but here's what happened to me:

 

He wanted to 'take things slowly but not be in a relationship' as well. He wasn't confused - he was using me as a crutch to get over the break up. He still had me but he didn't have to worry about 'us', if that makes sense. All the perks, none of the responsibility.

 

When he left again, he was completely over me, and stupid me, I had believed all along that we would be getting back together eventually so of course I was absolutely CRUSHED. It was even worse than the first break up because of how he'd been acting during the year when we were taking it slow.

 

Please, for your own sake, don't fall into the same trap I did. It hurts 100x more the second time around.

 

 

Much love,

Chickie

Thistooshallpass21 Established Member

Thistooshallpass21

Posted
Posted

Glx, the decision is completely up to you on how you want to handle this. If you decide to see where things go, then one thing you have to be prepared for is further damage. Ask yourself this,"Is the relationship and is he worth it?"

 

Every situation is different, but I'm currently in a similar situation or well the possibile future outcome of it. I was in an off and on relationship in which we have broken up 3 times within a total of 1.4 years of being together. In break up stemmed from my ex (female) being confused (this ended up happening frequently). Her confusion stemmed from viewing me as a boyfriend and as a best friend. I'll give you a little bit of a time table.

9 months of dating and the first confusion occurred and broke up for a night.

2nd confusion came after one month from this occurrence, but we worked it out.

3rd confusion came 2 months after that and we broke up for a 2nd time for 4 months. She came back to me looking to work on things. 3 months again being together and she got confused again and we broke up for a 3rd time (most recent). It's been roughly 2 weeks and we have only spoken to each other once.

 

To me our relationship was worth it, but the pain has become not worth it. I would sadly probably still give her one more shot (not because I don't have a sack, but because to me I know that we can work and it is worth it to me). What I'm saying here is ask yourself is it worth it, can you handle the pain if need be for a second or third time, because it does get worse each time. If it's worth it take things slow don't jump back into a relationship, work on things. If not, stick to complete NC and move on. NC is absolutely the best way to do such a hard feat. If you do decide it's worth it though, you must take it slow and to make sure you get over the break up first. You will be able to do whatever you decide and you know you have the support of the wonderful people on here. If need be send me a message and I can talk to you more about this and lean on each other for support.

 

Good luck

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Glx Established Member

Glx

Posted
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it feels like the first day after the break up again.

still don't understand if that was the "second chance" according to him…

 

we had dinners together, i came to his place to watch a movie, we kissed/hugged, even slept together (but without sex - he wanted but i said i was not ready and that i have sex only in committed relationship)

i feel like it's impossible for us to reconcile. maybe during these couple of days he understood that it's not worth it and decided to move on completely?

 

i am trying to move on but it's really hard. the hard part is that i moved to this city (and to another country in general) exactly 2 years ago and met him directly on the first month. so he showed me the entire city and helped to settle here - so right now i'm left completely alone, without any friends and every street, every place where i go reminds me of him.

 

it's hard to not reach out to him, but for now i'm doing my best

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Glx Established Member

Glx

Posted
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Posted

and what i am afraid of that he'll find somebody better than me.

 

he knows that i love him a lot, but i was really inexperienced and was jealous, was not confident, was too shy sometimes and had sharp reactions. it's sad that i have to learn my lesson in the hard way, but at least i know that i won't make the same mistakes again.

he said that he saw changes in me, but "there is no guarantee that you won't hurt me again".

 

right now i am working really hard on my psychological problems. but i am still judging myself for break up and how stupid i was in some occasions. he told me that my actions in the past were killing his love and hope…

 

but when he showed up at my place a couple of days ago and we had a conversation, he said that he sees a good potential in me. and that he regained his hope. but after 4 days he is again "confused"…

all the time this feeling that i was just not good enough for him.

RySant Established Member

RySant

Posted
Posted

Why do I have this feeling that if you let this on, you will be the one who'll hurt the most? Also, what everyone here said is true. No one is flocking to him right now so he's going back to you, who still have this feelings for him.

 

But even if you stayed, and be with him, and he find someone better, doesn't give you any guarantee that he'll stay with you. Just think that he was the one who was able to dump you in the first place. How can you be so sure that he won't do it again ONCE he found a better girl?

 

If I were you (just if I am in your situation) I will choose the hurt right now with my dignity and my little esteem intact rather than feel painful later for being led on then being dump suddenly when he found a new one top replace you.

 

By your descriptions, he can't just be with you any longer. I hope you could save yourself that awful pain by walking away now.

ExtraSpice Established Member

ExtraSpice

Posted
Posted

Glx sorry to hear that you have been on this sea saw. After a breakup it is very common to blame yourself and try to find all the faults in yourself. You feel as though everything was on you. I know because I feel like that as well.

 

Also doesn't help that he is saying things like, you may hurt him again or how you did things that made him lose hope and love. Like what? I don't understand this person. He wants to come back to you, but he wants you to convince him. And he acts as though you need to make all these changes for the relationship to work.

 

Honestly i am all for second chances. I think people make mistakes and some people deserve a second chance. But you gave him the second chance and his actions don't show appreciation for that. Other posters mentioned how he playing this push/pull games for his ego and wants to end with the upper hand. And it does seem that way.

 

We all have space to grow and improve but don't improve because he told you you were bad or not enough. Improve for yourself. And maybe he will find someone better or not. But the truth is as you grow and improve you will find someone as well, who is a lot better suited for you.

 

Best of luck!

  • Author
Glx Established Member

Glx

Posted
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Posted (edited)

Well i guess i ended it yesterday by not taking his invitation to the dinner... He didn't contact me after and i feel like he won't. Something says to me that this time he can seriously walk away.

I told him to go after he said again that he is confused and might need to not contact me at all to "sort things out". After i told him to go he asked me not to leave him completely and that he'll feel really sad and that "he wants to see me from time to time and wants to have dinners with me"

 

The thing is that couple of days ago he mentioned that "the second chance will be the last one" and then we tried to do some activities for a couple of days. And now i can't understand if that was the "second chance" :D

 

When he just came to me with the "second chance" last week, he seemed really excited and like he missed me. He even made a lot of plans for us and asked if i'll visit him in his motherland where he'll go in a couple of months. Don't understand all this talking if in the end he is all the time "confused".

Edited by Glx
ExtraSpice Established Member

ExtraSpice

Posted
Posted

Yeah well lets give him the benefit of the doubt and say he is scared and confused. That he really wants to be with you but doesn't want things to end badly again. But that is his responsibility to figure out and then come ask for a second chance. Not talk about a second chance and then go on this rant about being confused. In my view it is messed up of him to drag you into this process of him "figuring it out".

 

Seems to me like he wants to use you as a crutch and hang out when he feels really lonely while at the same time move on. Next time he tries to hang out just lay down the law. Either he grows a pair and goes full in and work things out or not. No in betweens where you meet up for dinner but then the next week he needs space. That is just not fair to you.

BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

Posted
Posted

His actions do not suggest any sincere attempt to reconcile. One day, he wants a second chance. Several days later, he decides it can't work and wants to end it. To me, that suggests that he doesn't really know how to let go. I think he knows he wants to end it but is unsure of how to do so. I'm also getting the feeling that he wants things to end on his terms. He wants the last word.

  • Like 1
TaraMaiden2 Established Member

TaraMaiden2

Posted
Posted

Gix:

 

...he asked me not to leave him completely and that he'll feel really sad and that "he wants to see me from time to time and wants to have dinners with me"...

 

Please refer to post #34.

 

Thank you.

  • Author
Glx Established Member

Glx

Posted
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Do you think i should clear the situation and tell him honestly about my feelings and if he'll be still "confused" or say "no" - then go no contact?

 

For now he didn't contact me in these 2 days after invitation (before that he was contacting me every day) and i feel that i need closure. Or is it better just to continue my silence?

 

That day he was really dissapointed and it's strange but i feel myself a bad person right now

TaraMaiden2 Established Member

TaraMaiden2

Posted
Posted
Do you think i should clear the situation and tell him honestly about my feelings and if he'll be still "confused" or say "no" - then go no contact?

No.

Because that sends a message that he has you precisely where he wants you. Filling the silence and 'needing' him....

It doesn't matter what he does thinks, needs, whether he's confused, 'yes' or 'no'....

What matters is how YOU think, what you NEED, and what you need right npw, is to protect yourself from his manipulative behaviour....

 

For now he didn't contact me in these 2 days after invitation (before that he was contacting me every day) and i feel that i need closure. Or is it better just to continue my silence?

Contacting him will not give you closure. It will just lead you by the nose into further fog and wondering....

YOU - give you - closure.

You continue your silence, and you do not - under any circumstances whatsoever - whatever he writes, texts, says or does - break it.

 

That day he was really dissapointed and it's strange but i feel myself a bad person right now
That's because you've perpetuated your role as provider and supporter. He's actually dependent on you to boost his ego. He's used to it.

You have to get UN-Used to it......

mightycpa Established Member

mightycpa

Posted
Posted

You are living the nightmare of the wishy-washy dumper. You're a yo-yo, and he's yanking the string. It doesn't matter if he sincerely is confused or if he sincerely loves you or if he's just doing yo-yo tricks. He's "walking the dog" and that dog is you, either way. It's selfish. If he's worried about how he feels, then he should have worked that out with you, together, or he should be working it out himself, alone. Because he left you, alone is the correct answer.

 

As to you, in a way, you are a nightmare as well, the wishy-washy dumpee. You are allowing all of this to happen to you. Frankly, your best move would have been to tell him to leave you alone for six months minimum, and to figure his **** out. To overcome the objection that you might lose each other, well, I'd just point out that true love will survive for six months. I guess that ship has already sailed.

 

What to do now? I know a lot of people will tell you to ignore him if he contacts you. But see, you've already set the precedent, you've already trained him and he's going to keep trying and trying. That will weaken you. So the next time is the time to begin his new training (and yours).

 

If he contacts you again, tell him you're sick of his ****. Tell him if he's really confused, to go figure it out and if he's actually interested and ready to act like a boyfriend, then you'll consider it when the time comes, no promises. Tell him that if it's anything else, confusion, birthdays, loneliness, whatever, that you don't want to hear from him. If he tries to turn it into a discussion, just ask him if he heard what you said and to repeat it to you. Then say goodbye.

 

Does that sound harsh? It sure is. It's called breaking up. That's how it's done correctly.

  • Like 1
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Glx Established Member

Glx

Posted
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We talked. It didn't go well though. I was a bit emotional and cried a couple of times and that irritated him. He was tired and hungry and definitely not ready for such conversation - he got mad at me easily. I told him that i still have feelings and i am ready to work on everything and help him with his confusion. He said that he needs to stay alone. I accepted his decision. In the end i added that "i did a lot of things in the previous month to show how much i value you and this relationship. Now it's your turn to do something for this because i am tired. I fought a lot for this. Take your time."

 

Talked with one of my friends - she told me that i am pushing too much and that i should take it slow.

 

Don't know. At least i said everything what i wanted...

  • Author
Glx Established Member

Glx

Posted
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I told him: "if you don't want to be with me, then let me go and just go away from my life. If you want to stay, then let's work for this together"

 

He told me that he can't move on but i should. That he can't say goodbye to me but can't also be in a relationship right now. That he needs to "recover from our bad moments" and concentrate on his life..

And about these days that we spent together - he said that it was not a second chance, we just "missed each other" and tried to spend time together

 

Nothing new..

 

Yes maybe i pushed it too much. And he was really mad at one point... Well, after my words i really can't do anything anymore i guess

TaraMaiden2 Established Member

TaraMaiden2

Posted
Posted

Yes, you can.

You can follow advice and go No Contact.

 

 

Please, why won't you follow the counsel of people here?

We've been through this for ourselves and are going through it with you.

It's about time you opened your eyes and ears, and "stuck with the [NC] program".....

 

What he's telling you here -

 

He told me that he can't move on but i should. That he can't say goodbye to me but can't also be in a relationship right now. That he needs to "recover from our bad moments" and concentrate on his life..

And about these days that we spent together - he said that it was not a second chance, we just "missed each other" and tried to spend time together

 

- is that there IS NO relationship.

 

It's OVER.

Finished.

There is nothing left to push, nothing left to wait for.

There is no Hint there. It's about as clear as a cold, icy bucket of mountain stream water....

 

Time for you to pack up your emotions and move on.

He doesn't want them.

He's done.

 

However gently he was trying to make you see things, what he was telling you is "Go away and leave me alone."

 

I suggest you read between the lines, accept it, and leave it be.

  • Like 1
fireflywy Established Member

fireflywy

Posted
Posted

Could you please tell us why he is so special to you as in list some of his attributes?

TaraMaiden2 Established Member

TaraMaiden2

Posted
Posted
Could you please tell us why he is so special to you as in list some of his attributes?

 

(That are not shared by anyone else, that is........)

  • Like 1
  • Author
Glx Established Member

Glx

Posted
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Posted (edited)

When you love someone this person is special for you i think. Even if there are a lot of other guys - they are just not him. And for me the relationship that we had was something special also. Maybe because it's my first serious relationship (i'm 20).

I can't even imagine me falling in love with another guy. I see it as a miracle for now :D

 

He told me that the most important thing for him in relationship is peace. I couldn't give it to him fully and yesterday conversation was also totally not peaceful.. I cried because he got mad at me. I feel again as a bad person because i wanted to make him happy, but lately we just can't understand each other. He told me that it would make him happy if we eat something together or just watch a movie sometimes. And i was acting stubborn and saying that it will hurt me if he doesn't consider a serious relationship.. So for now we want different things.

 

It's strange - he says that he also loves me, can't touch any other woman, misses me a lot. And i think "loves me but not enough to be in a relationship..."

 

I was thinking of apologising to him for yesterday. But the best thing would be to leave him alone like he asked i think.

I want something that he can't give me right now

 

Before that i felt that he is going to come again. He didn't dissapear. But lately i feel that it's really not going to happen anymore - he won't come - especially after yesterday. Nobody wants such a pushy person. It's sad to understand that i screwed it up

Edited by Glx
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