GeorgiaDawgs Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 [color=blue][/color] Hi, I am new to this message board. I have a question if anyone is willing to answer it. I want to know if I am making a mountain out of a mole hill with what I am typing below. My hubby's ex wife sent email to him 2 weeks ago letting him know that when her divorce is final (her 2nd marriage) that she will be returning her last name to my hubby's last name. They do have 2 children together but one is in college and the other is in middle school (8th grade). I could seriously understand her doing this IF their children were younger. My hubby was shocked to see that she would do this and assured me that he was going to say something to her regardless if it made a difference or not. He was doing this for my peace of mind. Well, I am still waiting on him to say something to her and every day that goes by, I allow my anger to play a huge role in our lives because he has not addressed this with her. I have sat down and told him how this is making me feel and now he is saying that I have not given him enough time to address this with her, that she is still going to do it whether he says anything to her or not. This angers me even more. Am I making more out of this than I should be? How do I look at this as something positive when I truly cannot stand his exwife or his children? I know I may look childish and immature because I cannot get past this but it is easier said than done. GeorgiaDawgs
seagirl Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 It seems to me like you have a few problems, first, do you think there is any chance of your husband and his ex getting back together? If not, what is the big deal? I mean it is a little odd but??? Second, do not punish his children for something you perceive his ex to have done. Do his kids come to visit? Your statement of not being able to stand his kids is unsettling. They are already in the middle of this whole mess do not take their father away form them by making it uncomfortable for them to visit.
whynotme Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 What does his divorce papers say about her last name? mine said after the divorce was final I had to go back to my maiden name (have 3 kids with ex). I would tell hubby (or ask) he has 1 month to talk to exW about this, if not you are going to. Outside of that I don't know what else to tell you. SORRY no help here.
Author GeorgiaDawgs Posted June 3, 2005 Author Posted June 3, 2005 Seagirl: His exwife and his children have caused so many problems from day one in our relationship. His children stepped out of children's shoes into adult shoes long ago and have enjoyed every bit of making life miserable for my children and myself. I do not care if the ex wife or his children come after me but, I will never allow them to cause any harm physically, mentally, or emotionally to my children. That is why I dislike them so much because they have "tried" to cause pain in my relationship with my hubby. What amazes me is that step children are entitled to dislike their parents/step-parents but the parents/step parents are not entitled to feel the same way. I am only being honest on how I feel about his kids and his ex wife. I truly wish them no harm in life but would love for them to just let us live our own lives without having to deal with their personal drama. I am very uspet that his ex wife feels the need to have the same last name. No, my hubby has no desire to spend any amount of time with the ex wife. They had a horrible marriage the first time around. My hubby just claims that she will use his last name no matter what he says to her. The big deal is that he is already married with someone using his last name, ME. She has already dumped his last name many years ago when she got remarried to someone else. What is the big deal about her wanting to use our last name when she could use her maiden name or better yet, stay to the name she has now. BTW: His children do not visit because of all the trouble they caused in the past. I guess and I am assuming that you feel I am making to much out of this. Thanks for your reply.
Author GeorgiaDawgs Posted June 3, 2005 Author Posted June 3, 2005 Whynotme: Thanks for your advice. The divorce decree doesn't state anything because she got remarried shortly after she and my hubby divorced. She has a different last name at this time but wishes to use my hubby's last name after all these years of her being remarried to someone else and being divorced from my hubby. I guess I just feel this is a slap in the face and rude that she would do this. I know that I should just realize that he comes home to me every day after work and not her. It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth knowing that she has the same or will have the same last name as me. I am going to speak to my hubby again about this. Thanks again for your advice.
Treasa Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Originally posted by GeorgiaDawgs His exwife and his children have caused so many problems from day one in our relationship. His children stepped out of children's shoes into adult shoes long ago and have enjoyed every bit of making life miserable for my children and myself. Keep in mind that this is YOUR perspective. HER perspective, or his children's perspectives, may be completely different. Who's to say who's right? The fact is that his other children will ALWAYS be his children, and there's nothing you can do about it. If you have serious reason to suspect that your children are in harm's way, then call the police. I highly doubt that her returning to her previous married name will endanger your children in any way. Out of all the things in this life to truly get upset over, this is NOT one of them.
seagirl Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Your point about not being allowed to dislike his kids is very well taken, you are right you do NOT have to like them but since they are his kids you do have to be polite, not to the extent of being a door mat, but just polite. As for the mane change, just concentrate on your husband and not his goofy ex-wife's weirdness and you will be fine.
Author GeorgiaDawgs Posted June 3, 2005 Author Posted June 3, 2005 Treasa: Yes it is my perspective and I know from 8 years of being with my hubby that his children and ex wife have caused grief in my family. You don't have to be Stevie Wonder to actually see what they have done, but of course, I would never post their dirty laundry on the internet. I just know that his kids stepped into adult shoes long ago. As for bodily harm to my children from his own children, well, we stopped that from happening many years ago by separating mine from his so that we did not have to worry what or if his would do anything else. Yep, his children will always be his children but that does not mean I have to like them, or be around them. I keep all my negative comments about his to myself and pray to God for the forgiveness for feeling the way I do about his. In the meantime, I will ALWAYS support my hubby no matter what he does or doesn't do with his children. If he sees his children outside of our home, then so be it. I have no problems with that whatsoever nor have I ever stopped him from having a relationship with them. I never said by the ex wife returning her name to my last name would harm my children at all. I admit that I do not like it, I feel it is rude and disrespectful for her to return to a name that she is not entitled too because she is not married to him. I suppose I am upset over it because all is well in my world other than finding this out. I would never return my name to my ex hubby's name out of respect for his wife even if I did not like either of them.
Author GeorgiaDawgs Posted June 3, 2005 Author Posted June 3, 2005 Seagirl: Thanks for your reply! I do not have contact with his children due to what they did to us many years ago. My hubby and I both felt it was in the best interest of my children and us that his children have visits outside of our home so that we did not have to worry about what else they would do. I truly do not hate his children but I have a firm dislike towards them and their mom. Of course, I try and keep this to myself because I would not want someone saying ugly things about my children to me. Your very right, his wife is goofy and I am trying to look at it in a more positive light by knowing that her ex hubby is my current hubby and he comes home to me every night and not her! Thanks again!
Craig Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 It looks like your H's ex is just trying to create more problems for you and your H by emailing him about the proposed name change--and it looks like her evil plan is working. About the best thing you could do is ignore her and tell your H that he doesn' t have to call her. Calling her will just encourage her to find new ways to create misery for you and H.
Author GeorgiaDawgs Posted June 3, 2005 Author Posted June 3, 2005 Hi Craig: Thanks for the advice. Your right about everything you said. I guess I find it strange that even if we have no way of stopping her from using his last name...why she felt the need to email him that bit of info. Like you said, probably to create havic for my H and myself. Some ex's will never change.
FolderWife Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 I don't see what the big deal is. She wants her FAMILY. Her kids, although very old, are her only real Family, and she wants to take THEIR last name...not necessarily your husband's...but since it was his first, out of curtiousy, she's letting him know.
Author GeorgiaDawgs Posted June 3, 2005 Author Posted June 3, 2005 Folderwife: He (her ex and my current hubby) finds it to be disrespectful also. He has not said anything to her because he feels it is a mute point because he believes she is trying to stir trouble. His children are getting older and one day in the future to marry, so they won't have his last name. She has family and at one time had no problem using her maiden last name. I would never in a million years go back to my ex hubby's last name only because I personally find it to be disrespectful to whomever he decides to be with. His last name does me no good anyways. His ex wife does not need a last name to have her children or family, she has that. The ex wife never emails him unless it is to throw stones and this time it was to let him know that he has no control over her using his last name. You say she WANTS her FAMILY well guess what, she will only have the name, not the husband. But thanks for letting me know what you think she wants.
whichwayisup Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 She should take back her maiden name. YOU have his lastname, you are married to him, NOT HER. That honestly would piss me off and if I were your husband I would tell her NO WAY. You are right, if their kids were younger, then yes, but they're not, so she should stick to her maiden name. You are not making a big enough deal of this, I would be through the roof! WTF?!
whichwayisup Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Thanks for the advice. Your right about everything you said. I guess I find it strange that even if we have no way of stopping her from using his last name...why she felt the need to email him that bit of info. Isn't there a way of preventing her to change it? I mean she is LEGALLY changing her last name. She needs documentation to do so. I would ask a lawyer this question.
Author GeorgiaDawgs Posted June 4, 2005 Author Posted June 4, 2005 Whichwayisup: LOL, I loved your reply to me. I felt like I had one person that totally understood how I was feeling about her wanting to use my hubby's last name when I read your post. The ex wife has been divorced from my hubby for over 15 years. Her children are practically grown. As I said, one in college and the other in middle school. I truly could understand if they were little but they are not. I truly believe she is trying to get something started since her 2nd marriage has now failed. I cannot understand why she does not keep her last name from the 2nd marriage or go back to her maiden name. I am not sure why all of a sudden my hubby's last name is so important to her. According to a friend that is in the legal system, she can change her name to whatever her heart desires no matter who is affected, my hubby called to find out because it disgusted him also as it did me. My hubby does not care for his ex wife and has little to nothing to do with her unless it involves his children which is hardly never. I guess I am going to have to learn to adjust to her having the same last name as mine, my mail going to her house, her mail coming to mine, and phone calls because we have the same last name. I doubt she even thought about all that happening. Thanks for your response!
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