Seguso Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 So, my boyfriend and I seem to be a rollercoaster couple. A lot of explosive arguements and breakups - to reconciling and getting back together again. I am the only one pro-active in wanting to find solution to the dynamics and dysfunction...eg individual counselling etc. We have a baby together who lives with me. He bought me an overseas flight fare and would shoulder the expenses while away for the couple of months travelling. He booked tickets for himself when we broke up and wants to travel with me and our baby - together as a couple, hence the "gift" of a holiday..(it's not in my budget to travel so soon after christmas). He wants to live at mine when we get back (ashe won't be renting while away, but I have to) to the cost of what he spends on me. I don't think this qualifies as a gift anymore. And really do not want him living at mine. Your thoughts?
d0nnivain Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 I don't do the roller coaster thing. It's a huge sign of dysfunction. Give the ticket back. Stay home with your child. Meet with your lawyer to determine child support & co-parenting issues. 1
WaitingForBardot Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 I agree with your assessment: It is not a gift, it's barter. This doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you or want something with you, but I would still follow d0nnivain's advice above about a lawyer. 1
Beach Guy Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 So, my boyfriend and I seem to be a rollercoaster couple. A lot of explosive arguements and breakups - to reconciling and getting back together again. I am the only one pro-active in wanting to find solution to the dynamics and dysfunction...eg individual counselling etc. He will always be the father to your child. But you don't have to be partner to this unhealthy dynamic. 1
Author Seguso Posted January 3, 2016 Author Posted January 3, 2016 Thank you for your responses. I know he wants to share the experience of travel with us and be with me but I can't help thinking that nothing has essentially changed; we'll most probably fight and break up and get back on - overseas - and with our baby witnessing it all. He said the ticket and holiday was a gift for looking after our baby almost 100% (he doesn't live with us and worked so much leading up to christmas that he didn't see us much) but afterwards, bargained that he live "rent-free" at my house for three months after the holiday so he can make up the money he spent on my ticket and expenses - towards a motorbike he wants to buy. Hearing this took the excitement and spoil away from what was supposed to be a treat. He also paid his first child support payment of $500 around the time he paid for my airfare. He always said he would pay extra on top of what is expected. I was told after that that $500 was to cover for the year. I don't get the $34 per month his minimum is but a little over $45 per month and that he's paid up for the year. I feel with him buying airfare tickets for himself (he also bought another overseas ticket for midyear) and his lax attitude towards parenting, his stance towards us is clear. I will not take up his offer (nor will be strong-armed into him living with me RENT-FREE) and he loses that flight money without guilt feeling from me as I never asked for it as then it was "gifted" as a present and will save for a couple of months it will take to save for my daughter and I to travel abroad. Thank you again for your viewpoints. I just had to hear it from others as it not qualifying as a "gift"anymore bothered me and I know he'll rip into me when I tell him I won't be going anymore.
Author Seguso Posted January 3, 2016 Author Posted January 3, 2016 I should also mention that he is going away for two months so that is two months without seeing his baby or me having any hands on help raising her. Add to that another two months later in the year he travels East with that same situation. It just makes me feel sad that he priortises his "right" to travel and buy himself things. After I bought him a gift of Persol sunglasses he became obsessed by them and decided to become a collector. He then bought 7 pairs in a space of a few weeks. These glasses aren't cheap. And despite travelling abroad twice to a total of nine weeks last year and 19 weeks the year before - he still feels "entitled" to having that right because he works casually during the year and studies fulltime. I think dynamics and dysfunction aside, I'd still be better off without him. The last fight was particularly draining with me saying out loud and being forced to see his ways...and after the strain of breaking off with him begging me back he still had the gall straight afterwards to ask where his christmas present was as he gave me mine after we broke up one of our hundred times. Geez...
Author Seguso Posted January 6, 2016 Author Posted January 6, 2016 No word from him after a minor disagreement to which he hit below the belt. He used a sensitive issue within our relationship relating primarily to me. it has been almost a week and not even a word from him inquiring on our child. we would be flying out next week. i feel good about the NC for me but the non-concern for our child just gets to me and i guess that is why he does it. Please reassure me that this is a good thing.he may be going abroad on his own and I will have a couple of months to find my feet.
Anderlie Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 Please reassure me that this is a good thing. It most definitely is. Have all your custody and support arrangements been squared away? He sounds like he doesn't bother spending much time with his child.
Author Seguso Posted January 6, 2016 Author Posted January 6, 2016 I spoke to my lawyer after a previous breakup a few weeks before last week's episode; she's away for the holidays but I will prioritise that as soon as she gets back. I guess I was naive to think and believe all he said in between breakups about being the best father and not like his own neglectful father. his father appears to be quite the narcissist and pretty much neglected him and his mother all the while even dodging financial responsibility to which he gloated to him years later bragging how he got away with it. His father then married a 17 year old and had two daughters who apparently are "his world" and affords them all opportunity, while blatantly disregarding his only son. my ex/boyfriend actually told me this last week that he too "will be a better father" to his later children. you know i process all this and see it for how messed up it is but it is so hard to break the cycle so i guess i just need some support. i know i deserve better. knew this the first night. his problems are his and are no bearing on me. thank you
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