Girls who dated black guys?

January 5, 2016

How is refusing to date someone because they once dated a black person...

any different from refusing to date someone because they once had a black friend?

January 5, 2016

This is more like saying I don't like roller coasters and I won't date anyone who's ever rode a roller coaster.

But even that isn't an analogy that fits. It may be valid that the person wants someone who is extremely safe and conservative to fit their boundaries. But if you think you can tell anything more about a girl who's dated a black guy, that you couldn't tell about a girl who dated a white guy, then it's racism, nothing more, nothing less.

January 5, 2016

With so much variation in ppl and the US having such a huge population, why does the mind first wanders to racism instead of thinking that every case might be different ?

January 6, 2016

LOL!!! If MY preference is to NOT get on a Roller coaster, does that mean I am racist or discriminating a roller coast?? That is basically the argument you are riding and ranting about, that surely if someone wishes to not participate then they must be racist.
The Reading comprehension skills are lacking.
No slur or hidden notations were cited by the poster to indicate racism.

This doesn't make any sense in the context of the discussion.

January 6, 2016

How is refusing to date someone because they once dated a black person...

any different from refusing to date someone because they once had a black friend?

The black friend hasn't been inside them. Unless it was a FWB.

January 6, 2016

I bet they think it's perfectly fine for them to date hot black chicks.

January 6, 2016

With so much variation in ppl and the US having such a huge population, why does the mind first wanders to racism instead of thinking that every case might be different ?

If a guy is turned off just because his GFs ex was black, what would inspire those feelings? He would be the one whose mind is wandering to race, because that one detail is a dealbreaker or makes him so uncomfortable it becomes a major issue in the relationship. Wouldn't he be the one who can't see each case, or person individually?

January 6, 2016

whether it's right or wrong, racist or not and whether we want to or not, all of us make a thousand judgments a day.

Whether it's right or not someone will pass a judgment on anything you do. If you only date within your race, someone will judge you for that. If you date lots of people, others will judge you for that. if you date very little, people will judge you for that. If you are tall, people will judge you. If you are short, fat, fit, buff, good looking, bad looking, rich, poor, black, white, yellow, brown, purple or aquamarine, people will judge.

And yes people will judge those who date out of their race. Maybe they shouldn't. Maybe they don't even want to. But people don't choose who or what they have feelings and opinions and judgments about.

January 6, 2016

The black friend hasn't been inside them. Unless it was a FWB.

So...how is basing the rejection on the basis that a black man has been "inside them" NOT a reflection of a dislike of black men? ie., racism?

January 6, 2016

The black friend hasn't been inside them. Unless it was a FWB.

I will put it another way.

Let's say someone who came on here and posted "I met this great girl, I really like her but....she has a black friend. It makes me uncomfortable."

Would you think that person was racist against black people?

If so, why would it be LESS racist for that hypothetical poster to say "I met this great girl. I really like her but....she has had a black boyfriend, ie., a black man has been inside of her. It makes me uncomfortable."

January 6, 2016

LOL!!! If MY preference is to NOT get on a Roller coaster, does that mean I am racist or discriminating a roller coast?? That is basically the argument you are riding and ranting about, that surely if someone wishes to not participate then they must be racist.
The Reading comprehension skills are lacking.
No slur or hidden notations were cited by the poster to indicate racism.

Yes, because we live in a world where we say what we mean and we mean what we say, we never imply things without saying them .. and if we are racist we just say it straightforward because we are just that honest and forward!

So, yeah I guess my reading comprehension is probably lacking, but I would worry more about the short-sightedness!

January 6, 2016

At the end of the day, no one is getting denied a job or is somehow being "held back"...because someone decides not to date, enter a relationship with, associate, with someone based on color or anything else..

As an adult you make your own decisions and disregard those who don't approve..

Like I previously stated, in the relationship world people are judging and sizing up one another for a variety of reasons...Like this issue, most are ridiculous...But it is what it is...

I just don't see how this any different, IMO...*shrug*

TFY

January 6, 2016

Your friends are pathetic, OP, but as a bw, I don't say too much about this.

Black men have a lot going for them these days. As a black woman, I'm sometimes jealous. They are more charming than black women. More forgiving of slight racial transgressions and much more open to new ideas/experiences than black women in general are. They also have the confidence to hit on anything and everything in their immediate vicinity. They feel no lower self-esteem for being turned down and rejected at all. They treat all women equally regardless of how unattractive society may find the woman; if she is having sex with him, he'd make her feel like a queen (until the sex dries up.) Combine all of that with bad boy mystique, street cred, atheleticism, height advantage, muscular bodies, the trend towards shorter hair for men, the smoothness of the dark skin tone, and the dancing skills and penis advantage and you have a whopper of a masculine energy. Even with racism in a society, it is impossible to stop black men from finding sexual partners/relationships.

Every bad streotype known to men has been put upon the black male body and they still find women to bang. It's amazing.

My low-class, broke, unemployed, running from the cops, kinda ugly ass uncle has 13 children. 2 by a hispanic woman, 1 by a white woman and the rest by a black woman.

He is only 1 of the uncles. The other one is 6'5, incredibly dark-skinned, great body but dumb as pack of rocks. He also has several illegitimate children by a white woman but he is currently married to a black woman.

January 6, 2016

With so much variation in ppl and the US having such a huge population, why does the mind first wanders to racism instead of thinking that every case might be different ?

Because the race of previous partners is pretty irrelevant in evaluating a current partner.

January 6, 2016

I do think it's different, though. Using your examples, it would be like a tall guy dismissing a girl because she once dated a short guy. Or a guy dismissing a girl because her ex had a POS car. Sure, anyone has the right to make any judgements they want, but we can judge their judgements, too.

I understand that some people make judgements about race that are based on personal negative experiences, their upbringing, stereotypes or actual observations. There are tons of reasons why people justify their racism. But if they are judging an individual black person (or a woman for dating an individual black person) based on negative opinions about black people as a group, or judging based on their negative experiences with other black people, that's not just "politically incorrect", it's racist. If people are so honest and proud to be politically incorrect, why won't they just admit they're racist?

My personal opinion is that there are two main reasons why some white guys are uncomfortable with this:

1) Insecurity- due to sexual stereotypes about black guys or feeling like he's not what she really wants or is attracted to. (White guy thoughts...Maybe she really wants black guys and is settling for me because of her family/friends/society's expectations? What if I don't measure up and she cheats on me with a black guy?).

2) Superiority- the white guy thinks black guys are beneath him, and devalues the woman because of this. (White guy thoughts...Eww, how could she ever find a black guy attractive? Is she crazy? Does she have low self esteem? Maybe she's trying to piss off her father? She's not good enough for me."

I believe there are reasons other than feelings of insecurity or superiority that people, men and women both, might not want to venture out beyond what is familiar to them, be it racial familiarity or other types of what has become familiar to them.

I do agree with you that we all have the right to judge the judgments of others; however, that doesn't mean their judgements are wrong or right or that our judgements are wrong or right. All it means is that we think differently.

If our skin colors are different it seems to me to be no surprise that our minds, even among those of a similar race or gender, may perceive many various situations and viewpoints differently than each other without being prejudiced.

But if someone excludes someone specifically because they dated a black person before, can you explain to me how that's not racist? They must be judging based on stereotypes or making some negative assumption about the ex, or they wouldn't be deemed unacceptable, right?

Here's just one possibility as to how excluding someone specifically because they dated a black person before would not be considered racist, in my opinion.

There are people who are uncomfortable with anything outside the realm of what has become familiar to them. Many of these people will prefer to also date those who stick with what is familiar to them so as not to have to be concerned with the person branching out into other areas of what is unfamiliar to them at a later date in a realm neither has thought to consider.

For instance, a person may not want to date someone who has decided to quit work and travel around the world for a year, even if that person has completed the year of travel and gone back to his or her job because they may be concerned that person may decide to make another decision outside of the realm of what is predictable and may not want to have to deal with any other unpredictable situation that may arise.

I dated someone who had been very successful in an unconventional field. His ex wife was never comfortable with his career, though he was known the world over, because it was not what she grew up with. She would have rather he'd have gone to a nine to five job in a lowly position that had predictable hours and predictable income as to making a lot of money that varied year to year and having variations in bookings.

This didn't make her prejudiced against people who lived that way. It just meant she preferred the familiar; she preferred to live exactly as she had grown up living.

I have a friend who is very closed about doing or saying anything at all that is unconventional or outside of what she has experienced in her life. She is very valuable to me as a friend for many reasons I won't list here because that is not what this discussion is about but I am careful as to my expressions around her because anything out of the boundaries of her own small world will cause her to withdraw.

She is comfortable only with that which is predictable and familiar to her in all areas of her existence. This doesn't make her prejudiced against that which is unfamiliar to her. It just means she has a narrow pathway of existence that she has to conform to.

At one point I became very ill and she disappeared from my life because she couldn't adjust to me not being the person she was accustomed to. She was also afraid of what she may say to me.

I would prefer that all of my friends stick with me whether I am well or sick, but I don't believe her not being able to handle being around me while sick was an indication of her being prejudiced against sick people. It was just unfamiliar to her and difficult for her to adjust to.

If I become emotional to the point of tears this is also uncomfortable for her I sense, though she doesn't express it so I am careful around her as to how I express myself.

She has a very narrow realm of existence which has nothing at all to do with prejudice.

Many people wouldn't want to have her as a friend because of this. In fact, she doesn't have a lot of friends. But, she is my friend and there are reasons I value her as a person and a friend.

We all have different levels of tolerance for unfamiliarity and it's tempting for many of us to judge others who have different levels of tolerance for unfamiliarity as being prejudiced against whatever the topic of consideration may be.

Unfortunately our society has come to the place where people seem not to be able to have preferences of what they deem acceptable without being considered prejudiced.

Many of us believe and consider that those of us who don't view people or things the same way we do are prejudiced. Personally, this is not the way I choose to think.

Unless we walk a mile in the shoes of another person I don't believe we can rightly judge whether they are prejudiced or not based on their expressions of preference. There are many factors we may not be aware of the existence of that may enter into the equation of their consideration when deciding what they are comfortable with. There is a term called, "live and let live" that, I believe, addresses (albeit loosely) this.

Edited January 6, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

January 6, 2016

And that ^ is all well and good but it literally has nothing to do with caring about if a woman dated a black guy. If she's standing in front of you, a white person, saying I want to date you then she isn't doing anything different to what you know. As far as you know she is exactly in your milieu. Why then is she suddenly off the table for dating a black guy, something that has literally no effect on your relationship whatsoever? What else could it possibly be other than racism? It's such a gross thing, almost like saying she's tainted by the mere association with them.

January 6, 2016

So...how is basing the rejection on the basis that a black man has been "inside them" NOT a reflection of a dislike of black men? ie., racism?

I don't disagree with you.... it is racist.

People choose to be racist... it's not the same as making judgements IMO. It's basically saying that the white girl has dropped her standards to be with a black guy or fear and insecurity that she'll leave him for a black guy in the future.

Like I said.. I got a similar reaction (I'm black) , when my ex BF ( also black) asked if I've been with a white guy. When I said yes... his reaction was...kind of "why?... what for? They aren't better than black guys" ....like I'd lowered myself or let the side down.

I have no issue with dating preferences. ... but this scenario is different. As if the girl is now untouchable or has been tainted by black blood. I call it primitive secular thinking.

I've learnt to ignore people with prejudices like this...... I try and tell my kids to do the same.

January 6, 2016

I will put it another way.

Let's say someone who came on here and posted "I met this great girl, I really like her but....she has a black friend. It makes me uncomfortable."

Would you think that person was racist against black people?

If so, why would it be LESS racist for that hypothetical poster to say "I met this great girl. I really like her but....she has had a black boyfriend, ie., a black man has been inside of her. It makes me uncomfortable."

Good point.

I would think they were racist ... yes.

I think in addition to the original scenario being racist. ... it's the feeling of inadequacy... like many others have said. It's the perception of not being able to do what the black guy can do sexually.

The amount of cuckold porn and erotica in relation to "my black lover" says it all. I NEVER have seen where the black guy was the cuckold and the white guy took his wife..... I think the viewpoint stems from there in a number of cases.

January 6, 2016

Living water

You make some sound observations... but they don't really compare with the issue of not dating a girl because she's been with a black guy.

If I choose not to be with a man because he has cheated on someone else... it's because he has done something I don't agree with and it's a negative in my book.

If he's been in prison and is out now.. I can decide I don't want a man with a criminal record.

These are all indications of his character .... and part of my fear is that he would or could revert to that lifestyle... thus I think part of the fear for the OPs friends.. is that the girl would go back to a black guy.

I wouldn't say drop your friends because of this viewpoint.. but I wonder how they'd react if you dated a black girl...... I'd probably base my friendship on their behaviour towards how they interact with black people.

The thing is.. you can't compete with something you aren't.. so if one's view is that your GF likes black guys... as opposed to realising she just likes guys in general.. then you'll struggle with knowing that.

If a girl had only ever dated black guys ...then had a white BF.....I might wonder why the sudden change ....

January 6, 2016

I will put it another way.

Let's say someone who came on here and posted "I met this great girl, I really like her but....she has a black friend. It makes me uncomfortable."

Would you think that person was racist against black people?

If so, why would it be LESS racist for that hypothetical poster to say "I met this great girl. I really like her but....she has had a black boyfriend, ie., a black man has been inside of her. It makes me uncomfortable."

There are many types of relationships.

When sex is involved it changes things.

January 6, 2016

Complete Insecurity! Other guys are afraid they won't measure up. Lol.

This really is the core of the issue and it leads to all the other issues (like small-mindedness), tho ironically it points away from racism in general. If a white guy deduces that on average, black guys happen to have larger penises and are better lovers, etc., etc., the black part is only ancillary to the larger penis/better lover part. He's afraid of black guys in the sexual competition context bc they're 'better' than him, not bc they're black. The look-down-on thing that follows is just a bit of self-preservation rationalizing to make it less hard to take - blame an abstract rather than a personal shortcoming. (haha puns )

I will say too that this notion of racial fault is easier to embrace when you isolate the members of a particular race to what might be your own socio-economic experience and worldview - forex a black person might devalue white ppl if the only white ppl they have contact with are generalized as 'rednecks,' and likewise a white person might do the same if the only black ppl they have contact with are generalized as 'thugs.' So the insecure white guy probably isn't thinking of an accomplished Wall Street exec ex and shaking his ex, he's thinking of some gangland caricature.

January 6, 2016

There are people who are uncomfortable with anything outside the realm of what has become familiar to them. Many of these people will prefer to also date those who stick with what is familiar to them so as not to have to be concerned with the person branching out into other areas of what is unfamiliar to them at a later date in a realm neither has thought to consider.

For instance, a person may not want to date someone who has decided to quit work and travel around the world for a year, even if that person has completed the year of travel and gone back to his or her job because they may be concerned that person may decide to make another decision outside of the realm of what is predictable and may not want to have to deal with any other unpredictable situation that may arise.

That's understandable, but I don't see what that has to do with the race of someone's ex. You are describing a trait of the person they are considering dating (not their ex), and lack of stability is a valid concern.

I dated someone who had been very successful in an unconventional field. His ex wife was never comfortable with his career, though he was known the world over, because it was not what she grew up with. She would have rather he'd have gone to a nine to five job in a lowly position that had predictable hours and predictable income as to making a lot of money that varied year to year and having variations in bookings.

This didn't make her prejudiced against people who lived that way. It just meant she preferred the familiar; she preferred to live exactly as she had grown up living.

Again, she was uncomfortable with her partner's career (not his ex's), and that is very understandable, as it's something that affects her life on a daily basis.

I have a friend who is very closed about doing or saying anything at all that is unconventional or outside of what she has experienced in her life. She is very valuable to me as a friend for many reasons I won't list here because that is not what this discussion is about but I am careful as to my expressions around her because anything out of the boundaries of her own small world will cause her to withdraw.

She is comfortable only with that which is predictable and familiar to her in all areas of her existence. This doesn't make her prejudiced against that which is unfamiliar to her. It just means she has a narrow pathway of existence that she has to conform to.

At one point I became very ill and she disappeared from my life because she couldn't adjust to me not being the person she was accustomed to. She was also afraid of what she may say to me.

I would prefer that all of my friends stick with me whether I am well or sick, but I don't believe her not being able to handle being around me while sick was an indication of her being prejudiced against sick people. It was just unfamiliar to her and difficult for her to adjust to.

I would say that your friend has severe anxiety and needs to see a therapist.

If a guy is uncomfortable with anything at all that is different than him, and his aversion doesn't just apply to just black exes, but all other exes different than him- meaning he is also turned off because his GF once dated a blond surfer dude, a guy who was adopted, a guy from a military family and a guy with a tattoo- then OK, I can agree he is not prejudiced towards black people. So I will revise my reasons to 1)Insecurity 2) Superiority and 3) Mental illness, several anxiety, OCD, phobias or other mental/ emotional issues

We all have different levels of tolerance for unfamiliarity and it's tempting for many of us to judge others who have different levels of tolerance for unfamiliarity as being prejudiced against whatever the topic of consideration may be.

I understand that people can be unfamiliar with a race or culture and that their uncomfortable feelings are not malicious. But you don't have to be conscious of it or malicious about it to be prejudiced. Like oldshirt said, many people don't even want to feel that way, they just do. Let's say a manager passed over a qualified applicants resume because the person had an ethnic name that was "unfamiliar". The manager may not have maliciously excluded that person because they hate black people, but it's still prejudicial. It's subtle but pervasive, and many people are not self aware enough to even realize it. They just feel "uncomfortable" and don't go a step further and explore how their upbringing, the media, past experiences, stereotypes, etc are influencing their feelings.

Unfortunately our society has come to the place where people seem not to be able to have preferences of what they deem acceptable without being considered prejudiced.

People can have any preferences they choose, fair or not. But if you are judging an individual person based on your feelings about an entire group of people, that's prejudiced. Unless you are a cop, a judge or a teacher, then the average person has the right to be prejudiced and will make themselves as comfortable as possible. I am not naive enough to believe that pointing out a person's prejudice will change them.

Many of us believe and consider that those of us who don't view people or things the same way we do are prejudiced. Personally, this is not the way I choose to think.

Unless we walk a mile in the shoes of another person I don't believe we can rightly judge whether they are prejudiced or not based on their expressions of preference. There are many factors we may not be aware of the existence of that may enter into the equation of their consideration when deciding what they are comfortable with. There is a term called, "live and let live" that, I believe, addresses (albeit loosely) this.

I am not suggesting people leave their comfort zone and date a girl with a black ex if it makes them uncomfortable. I feel the same way about guys who judge a woman based on her number of past partners. Right or wrong, fair or not, it's how they feel. And if something makes a person uncomfortable, they should not be with that person because they will be judging them and it won't be a balanced or healthy relationship.

I do suggest that people look inward, and be introspective. Think about why something makes you uncomfortable and consider if it's fair. My son is mixed and has many white friends. He's gone on vacation with their families, stayed in their homes and beach houses and has been mostly welcomed with open arms. However, a friend's parent could've easily said "I'm uncomfortable with this, I'm unfamiliar with his culture. He might steal from me, or he might try to hook up with my daughter." That parent could easily justify it with "I'm just staying in my comfort zone". But for my son, it would feel that he was being unfairly judged or screened based on his race. And that feeling would be correct, even if the guy was not being malicious or hateful, and was just "uncomfortable".

Facing adversity is part of life and makes us stronger, but we all want to be judged individually and not based on stereotypes or the worst members of our race. It's unfortunate that it's an unrealistic expectation, but that's the reality of the world we live in.

January 6, 2016

Racism isn't a simple yes/no on/off switch. There are a lot of different levels of racism.

Not wanting to be with a woman who had previously dated someone of a different race, while it is racist, doesn't necessarily mean that the person would refuse to be friends with, or hire someone of the same race. Hell they may even go to a rally to support blacklivesmatter. But it's still differentiating treatment based on race.

The majority of people have some level of racism in them whether they admit it or not.

January 6, 2016

Is it true that most asian guys and white guys will not go out with a girl who dated a black guy? I was at a party tonight with some of my guy friends and this topic came up. I was so surprised that most of the guys ACTUALLY said they will be a little turned off if their girlfriends dated a black guy before. Loveshackers, especially guys, what do you think?

I'm not a guy but I will say that, in the south, this is true. I will be blunt.

1. Some white guys are fairly disgusted by white women who date black men. They are beneath, hello racism...even upper class white men will shun a white woman who has had sex with a black man. Why? Because white is better than black and if a white woman has sex with a black man, she is less. Period.

2. Someone brought up porn/cuckolding and it is true. When is the last time anyone has seen a black man watching a white man f*ch his wife/gf? I'm sure it's out there, somewhere. The contrary is far more prevalent.

This is not my belief but it is what goes on.

January 6, 2016

Is it true that most asian guys and white guys will not go out with a girl who dated a black guy? I was at a party tonight with some of my guy friends and this topic came up. I was so surprised that most of the guys ACTUALLY said they will be a little turned off if their girlfriends dated a black guy before. Loveshackers, especially guys, what do you think?

Meh - alot of black women have issues with white women dating black guys, or marrying them too. Not to say they would not date a black after they dated a white woman, but it bothers them in the first place.

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