What's going on?

[Elsa_199]

Hey Folks! I have this question I need to ask. I am not sure if anyone can help but if you do thank you.

 

So here it goes.

 

Me and my guy have been together for almost 10 months and majority of the part was Long distance. We were together for 2 months after which he had to move away to a different state. We both are 24. So i al really not sure what's going on. Like every relationship we also had our honeymoon phase which ended pretty quickly but now things are getting weird. Its like he himself doesnt want to talk or make things work. This has been happening since past 4-5 months and I tried to overlook it. So its like, we talk for maximum 15-20 minutes everyday only and that is also because I call him. If i dont call or contact him he wouldnt either. We dont text each other at all. I used to but I stopped since he never replied after seeing them. I never ever get or got any cute msgs. Not even good morning or good night. I know he is busy and I'm busy. I have my work and he needs to attend his classes but still I try to take out sometime to talk or connect. He never wants to skype. To be honest we have never slyped in these past 9 months apart frol 2 times when I wanted to do it and had to make him do it. I al not sure if he is bored or what. Apart from this, he never took me out on a real date till now when he recently came back to state for the holidays. What i dont understand is he came to the state for 10 days or so and he met me just once. I asked him if he could meet me once more before leaving and he just straight said no. Most of the times I have started feeling that I am making too much of an effort and he doesnt really care. Or maybe just maybe he doesnt want to be seen around me or something. I admit it feels bad. Anyways moving on its not like I want his attention 24*7 I have given him full freedom. I just want that whenever we talk for 15 mints everyday atleast he should make some effort? Also he has never ever given me anything at all. Not even one flower. I have no memento of our relationship although i do keep semding him something or the other. I have talke to him about all of this but it always ends in a fight where he ends up blaming me for expecting a lot. I am not really sure what I am expecting? I have even talked about breaking up , I told him im not sure if he loves as he never really want to talk to me or be near me but it ended up in him crying and all amd then I just couldnt do it as well because i love him.

 

I know many of you would think im being a kid expexting all this but trust me all I want is him to give me the attention and love and i dont want expensive sh*t i would be happy in even $1 candy.

 

Can anyone interpret what's going on? Thanks

[kendahke]

Can anyone interpret what's going on?

 

He checked out of your relationship 8 months ago. You are the one thinking that there is still something. There's not, sorry to say.

[kendahke]

Me and my guy have been together for almost 10 months and majority of the part was Long distance. We were together for 2 months after which he had to move away to a different state. We both are 24. So i al really not sure what's going on. Like every relationship we also had our honeymoon phase which ended pretty quickly but now things are getting weird. Its like he himself doesnt want to talk or make things work. This has been happening since past 4-5 months and I tried to overlook it. So its like, we talk for maximum 15-20 minutes everyday only and that is also because I call him. If i dont call or contact him he wouldnt either. We dont text each other at all. I used to but I stopped since he never replied after seeing them. I never ever get or got any cute msgs. Not even good morning or good night. I know he is busy and I'm busy. I have my work and he needs to attend his classes but still I try to take out sometime to talk or connect. He never wants to skype. To be honest we have never slyped in these past 9 months apart frol 2 times when I wanted to do it and had to make him do it. I al not sure if he is bored or what. Apart from this, he never took me out on a real date till now when he recently came back to state for the holidays. What i dont understand is he came to the state for 10 days or so and he met me just once. I asked him if he could meet me once more before leaving and he just straight said no. Most of the times I have started feeling that I am making too much of an effort and he doesnt really care. Or maybe just maybe he doesnt want to be seen around me or something. I admit it feels bad. Anyways moving on its not like I want his attention 24*7 I have given him full freedom. I just want that whenever we talk for 15 mints everyday atleast he should make some effort? Also he has never ever given me anything at all. Not even one flower. I have no memento of our relationship although i do keep semding him something or the other. I have talke to him about all of this but it always ends in a fight where he ends up blaming me for expecting a lot. I am not really sure what I am expecting? I have even talked about breaking up , I told him im not sure if he loves as he never really want to talk to me or be near me but it ended up in him crying and all amd then I just couldnt do it as well because i love him.

 

I know many of you would think im being a kid expexting all this but trust me all I want is him to give me the attention and love and i dont want expensive sh*t i would be happy in even $1 candy.

 

Here's the thing: when a guy is into you, you are not treated like an inconvenience. He acts like a man who is into you. This guy is not into you. He's into being cruel to you and will manipulate you with threats and tears to keep controlling you--but that is because YOU ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN.

 

Everything above that I bolded screams that he doesn't want a relationship with you. No one is so dang busy that they can't text a quick good night or a sweet message to you. You're not asking for a dissertation from him. To tell you that you expect a lot from a guy who claims he is your boyfriend is really beyond the pale.

 

You both are in your mid 20's, not your mid teens. You both are old enough to understand the rigors of relationship and commitment. He knows exactly what that entails, but he is choosing to not do it. Anyone who comes to town after having moved away 8 months ago and he only sees you once and flat out tells you "no" when you want to see him again is someone who does not consider himself to be in a relationship with you.

 

Hon, save your love for a man who returns it in full measure. This guy ain't that guy. Better to cut him loose and let him drift so you can be about the work of healing from this insult to your esteem and getting whole so that you can attract a man who chooses not to be indifferent and withdrawn from you, because that is what this is: his choice to treat you like this. You deserve way better than this.

 

Understand your worth and proceed accordingly. If you don't feel you're worth better than this and you stick around accepting treatment that's the equivalent of someone throwing up on your shoe, then he's going to follow your cue and treat you accordingly. YOU have to believe you deserve better and act on that belief.

[xcupid]

Sorry to say but it sounds like he's not into you or interested in a relationship. You're not his priority and he's not treating you well at all.

[Versacehottie]

He checked out of your relationship 8 months ago. You are the one thinking that there is still something. There's not, sorry to say.

 

I was going to say, yeah I don't think you are in a relationship with him.

 

The big question is why do you accept this or even still want something from him? With what you've detailed here, he is extremely dismissive of you. I think it's just a question of it being unspoken--but he doesn't seem to consider you a couple and you do. It's very one-sided. Do yourself a favor and walk away from this. good luck

[Elsa_199]

Thank you for replying.

 

So I called him up an hour back, I told him each and every single thing listed above and asked him if he wants to be with me he needs to make it work and if he can't make it work he shouldn't be with me. He said he can't make it work straight. So now I am just sitting here in my apartment alone and crying my heart out. So he just dumped me. I cant even think anything other than blaming myself for bringing it up. Plus my crying. Ugh.

[Versacehottie]

Well Elsa. I'm sorry this happened but I hope in time you will see it's a blessing in disguise. It bums me out to hear you say you wish you didn't bring it up. As if the limbo or sh*t "relationship" you thought you were in was better? It wasn't. You deserve better and need to work on your self esteem so that you don't conclude that something sh*tty and disrespectful of you is better than nothing. You have something now. Your freedom and the open door to find someone who treats you well. I have to say I think it's essential that you get your self esteem in place first. Essential.

 

I do think you posed it as a bit of an ultimatum to him which could have been done better with any guy or relationship BUT I don't think you were facing the facts with this one. Other than saying it aloud, you were not in a relationship, you actually just pushed him to say this. In the future i think it's important to have a discussion rather than make a demand or put an ultimatum down. However, I'm sure in this case that wouldn't have made a difference either way because the facts of what you were calling a relationship spoke for themselves: you were not in one; it just hadn't been said yet. Good luck going forward.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thank you for replying.

 

So I called him up an hour back, I told him each and every single thing listed above and asked him if he wants to be with me he needs to make it work and if he can't make it work he shouldn't be with me. He said he can't make it work straight. So now I am just sitting here in my apartment alone and crying my heart out. So he just dumped me. I cant even think anything other than blaming myself for bringing it up. Plus my crying. Ugh.

 

That is not what caused this.

 

I'm sorry you're so sad, OP. But this was definitely coming. His actions couldn't have screamed more loudly that he wasn't interested anymore.

 

I know it seems awful now, but I promise you that you will thank yourself for having the strength to call him out on it rather than letting it drag on any longer. This is not what a relationship should look like; someday when you have a healthy and loving relationship, you'll see the difference!

[Elsa_199]

Thank you.

 

I do understand what you are saying. But I didn't want it to be over. Somewhere I did want him to say that he will work for it. And it hurts. Really hurts alot. I tried my best to make things work. And he just gave up. When we did spoke I could tell by his voice that it didnt affect him. So all these months of me just waiting like crazy were a waste? I cant undo my feelings in just a day. It may be easy for him but not easy for me.

[Gaeta]

Thank you.

 

I do understand what you are saying. But I didn't want it to be over. Somewhere I did want him to say that he will work for it. And it hurts. Really hurts alot. I tried my best to make things work. And he just gave up. When we did spoke I could tell by his voice that it didnt affect him. So all these months of me just waiting like crazy were a waste? I cant undo my feelings in just a day. It may be easy for him but not easy for me.

 

He gave up 8 month ago and you can't fix a relationship on your own, you both need to work at it and he never did.

 

I feel extremely sorry that you let him treat you so poorly for 8 months. You were hanging on to a image you had of him, not the real him.

 

He's an awful person for not properly breaking up with you 8 months ago. He knew he had no feelings left for you and he let you holding on to him for nothing for so long. It's cruel and weak.

 

Cry all your little heart wants for a couple of days then life goes on. You will get over him in no time. He gave you absolutely nothing in the past 8 months but crumbs. He will be easy to forget.

[Versacehottie]

Thank you.

 

I do understand what you are saying. But I didn't want it to be over. Somewhere I did want him to say that he will work for it. And it hurts. Really hurts alot. I tried my best to make things work. And he just gave up. When we did spoke I could tell by his voice that it didnt affect him. So all these months of me just waiting like crazy were a waste? I cant undo my feelings in just a day. It may be easy for him but not easy for me.

 

But it wasn't really ON. If you are honest with yourself, you will know that you were just having a fantasy relationship. It wasn't real anymore (ever?). You waited when you should have had more self respect than to put up with this. Also there's a lesson in there that you don't keep doing "more" to get someone to like you. And no matter what at a certain point, it's just not salvageable. Especially if only one person is trying. Life is about learning too so you can't just hang onto things that don't work for you. For an unsatisfying conversation 15 minutes a day with someone at best that sounds like a sh*t, selfish friend, why? So you can say you have a boyfriend to others? Because the reality just wasn't there.

 

So it wasn't a total waste hopefully as you process the initial heartbreak you will learn some really valuable lessons for yourself that will help you on the next one. I think it's goes without saying but I will anyway: don't contact him. I think you should either continue this thread and people will help you through this or start one on the breakups forum. Somehow you need to shift the mentality in your head that you deserve better than this so you did the right thing in getting an answer. Some people find out sooner; some it takes a little longer. Look at the good parts of yourself that make you the type that took a little longer (giving people the benefit of the doubt, trying various things to make a relationship work, doing your part, seeing the best in him) and leave it there. Analyze to see what you would change about yourself or what kind of person you choose for your next one. Try not to rehash or think of ways back in with him. Don't stalk his social media. Busy yourself with yourself.

 

I say this all the time but I 100% believe in throwing yourself into physical activity like exercise. It reconnects mind and body. You get the added benefit of getting into the best shape ever. You can make new friends and the gym is packed now because of it being January. All kinds of new cute guys have been showing up at mine. You need to do things that give you your own self worth and make you more 'sure' of yourself. You can do this! Give yourself a couple of days to feel sad and start getting a plan together for getting your life on track. Then do that. Ease into it a little slowly if you need to but don't be too easy on yourself. keep your goals in mind. Have standing plans with friends.

 

Also be honest you are mourning the loss of a dream as much as anything. The real person (the guy) was not that involved or nice to you for the majority of your time together. You don't really need to lose the dream, you just need a new guy to fill the top role. When you find the right one, it will be even better than you imagined. You were accepting morsels of breadcrumbs from this guy, and eating them up like they were golden. They were not. You deserve better. Get that straight in your mind.

[kendahke]

Thank you for replying.

 

So I called him up an hour back, I told him each and every single thing listed above and asked him if he wants to be with me he needs to make it work and if he can't make it work he shouldn't be with me. He said he can't make it work straight. So now I am just sitting here in my apartment alone and crying my heart out. So he just dumped me. I cant even think anything other than blaming myself for bringing it up. Plus my crying. Ugh.

 

I'm sorry you are hurt and feeling like you lost something, but you needed to know the truth and to plant your feet on solid emotional ground. I'm proud of you that you stood up for yourself and got to the truth. That is what you've deserved for the last 8 months.

 

In time, as your heart heals and you begin the work of defragmenting yourself, you will see that this was the best thing that could have happened to you. You are no longer having your esteem and intelligence insulted by someone who refused to make time and room in his life for you and has been refusing to do so for 8 months. He let you do all of the heavy emotional lifting for all of this time instead of speaking up and telling you the truth of where he was in this--that he was no longer interested. He took the coward's way out by expecting you to catch a clue and disappear. When you didn't, he had to go harder in the paint with it until you did.

 

He didn't want to make it work. That has nothing to do with you. You did everything humanly possible to make it work outside of inhabiting his mind and controlling it in your favor. It was up to him to pull his weight in this and he chose not to. In the future, you will not spend anywhere near this amount of time recognizing this character trait in other men when they come into your orbit.

 

Stop blaming yourself. Be kind to yourself. You gave yourself an immense gift by standing sentry to your boundaries. May not seem so today, but in time, it will become evident. :hugs:

[Maggie4]

I think he is normal and sensible to call it quits when you went long distance. But he really should have told you more directly, instead of letting you hang on for another 8 months.

As for you, I think it is not ok to accept a LDR when you have only a two month past, and no concrete plans for the future. That's a LTLDR. Talking and skyping with no end in sight. What kind of a relationship is that? Why is that good enough for you? Sitting at home staring at electronic equipment. No warmth, no touching. Don't waste your youth.

[thecrucible]

I think he is normal and sensible to call it quits when you went long distance. But he really should have told you more directly, instead of letting you hang on for another 8 months.

As for you, I think it is not ok to accept a LDR when you have only a two month past, and no concrete plans for the future. That's a LTLDR. Talking and skyping with no end in sight. What kind of a relationship is that? Why is that good enough for you? Sitting at home staring at electronic equipment. No warmth, no touching. Don't waste your youth.

 

I agree with you, Maggie. When I was younger I dated a guy long distance and we had only been together a few months before that happened. I think in the back of my mind I had doubts but I wasn't ready to listen to them. It was really hard to build a relationship when we hadn't had a proper courtship phase. He also eventually refused to skype with a camera so it made the relationship very impersonal.

 

OP, just think about all the possibilities on the horizon. Don't let this get to you.

[strawberryshortstack]

Thank you.

 

I do understand what you are saying. But I didn't want it to be over. Somewhere I did want him to say that he will work for it. And it hurts. Really hurts alot. I tried my best to make things work. And he just gave up. When we did spoke I could tell by his voice that it didnt affect him. So all these months of me just waiting like crazy were a waste? I cant undo my feelings in just a day. It may be easy for him but not easy for me.

 

 

If he'd wanted to work for it, he'd have been working for it all along. He wasn't.

 

I was in a similar situation some years back (also long distance). I pushed for more attention, and it backfired (much like it did for you). We broke up. I pined for him for several months. He "missed me" and so we decided to give it another shot. His behavior didn't change. I pushed again, and again didn't get the results I wanted, so I stood up, stood tall, and walked away for good and haven't even considered taking him back, even though it's been hinted several times since that he "misses me" and wouldn't mind "giving the relationship another shot".

 

Dig deep, find your self-respect again, and move on.

[Versacehottie]

 

dig deep, find your self-respect again, and move on.

 

^^^^^ this, exactly this!