Leucine Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Yes. That would go very well. "Oh honey. You are pregnant? Well I will just back off now, wait for the birth,then the results of the paternity test, and if it is mine, well then we can stay together" You would be naive to believe that your woman would never hide anything from you, but that doesn't mean you need to constantly review and question your status by nagging for the "truth". That's not something that real men who can keep a woman have to worry about. Paternity testing is a common practice in real life and it doesn't mean you back off until it's done. Only a very insecure mind would interpret it like that.
road Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 So you are content with you wife lying to you or you are just indifferent to her deception? Or maybe it is okay for your wife to sleep with other men providing that she doesn't tell you about it? If what she did in past doesn't matter, what is wrong with her telling you? Surely it would be prudent to know the truth rather than live in a palatable fantasy world of lies (like burying your head in the sand). Not every BH wants the whole truth. It is for the BH to decide how much truth he needs. So this poster needs 0%. What is right for one is not right for all. What is right for many still does not make it wrong for those that differ in how much they need to know.
Brapting Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 I agree. And to make that "emotional abuse" worse, often times the partner being cheated on senses and knows something is going on. In this case her bf most likely sensed a change in her texts, availability, words, behavior, actions and she probably spoke to him in a way that made him think he was going crazy with all of the lying. Really terrible. For what it is worth, considering that you have actually experienced the situation recently, you appear to have the most secure and sensible approach to it out of all the people posting here. That speaks volumes. It is reassuring to know that a person can go through something like that and come out stronger.
road Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 kitson123, have you been just dating or living together with your BF at the time of the cheating? Was there the exclusive talk?
Brapting Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 (edited) You would be naive to believe that your woman would never hide anything from you, but that doesn't mean you need to constantly review and question your status by nagging for the "truth". That's not something that real men who can keep a woman have to worry about. Paternity testing is a common practice in real life and it doesn't mean you back off until it's done. Only a very insecure mind would interpret it like that. You still feel the need to check with a paternity test. Is it that you don't trust your partner, or women in general? An inability to trust sounds pretty insecure to me. Edited January 3, 2016 by Brapting
Leucine Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 So you don't trust your partner, or women in general? It's not something that I spend a great deal of time thinking about. I haven't yet found a woman that I can fully trust, but I know that she is out there. I have seen and done enough to realise that things like infidelity aren't the end of the world, and that it doesn't automatically make the participants evil and untrustworthy people for the rest of their lives.
Brapting Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 I have seen and done enough to realise that things like infidelity aren't the end of the world, and that it doesn't automatically make the participants evil and untrustworthy people for the rest of their lives. This I completely agree with. Doesn't stop me wanting to avoid relationships with women that I feel that I cannot fully trust. That is unless it is an agreed 'hook up'. I think if you feel you need to 'check' if your wife has been knocked up by another guy with a paternity test...then you probably shouldn't be in a committed relationship with them and you certainly shouldn't be considering having children with them. 2
oregon0011 Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 You still feel the need to check with a paternity test. Is it that you don't trust your partner, or women in general? An inability to trust sounds pretty insecure to me. You put it well when you likened it to emotional abuse. I think when you are with a woman you can trust, things add up and make sense. They text back, don't flake, are rather consistent etc. In this case, I can almost bet the guy knew on some level, but was emotionally torn between trusting her and her words, and going with his instinct. That is always a lousy feeling. If she tells him now I doubt he will be really surprised. In my case, as an example, I was really into her. And it seemed to be mutual. But there were times she would be so distant and you would wonder why. You would wonder if she was really sick on a certain day. Wonder if her phone was really off on another day because she went to bed early. And this weighs in your mind for days. That's the emotionally abusive part. You wonder if you are damaged for assuming the worst. 1
Brapting Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 You put it well when you likened it to emotional abuse. I think when you are with a woman you can trust, things add up and make sense. They text back, don't flake, are rather consistent etc. In this case, I can almost bet the guy knew on some level, but was emotionally torn between trusting her and her words, and going with his instinct. That is always a lousy feeling. If she tells him now I doubt he will be really surprised. In my case, as an example, I was really into her. And it seemed to be mutual. But there were times she would be so distant and you would wonder why. You would wonder if she was really sick on a certain day. Wonder if her phone was really off on another day because she went to bed early. And this weighs in your mind for days. That's the emotionally abusive part. You wonder if you are damaged for assuming the worst. Interesting. So how would you deal with it in the future? You sound pretty sensible and level headed about the whole thing, although it is only understandable if you were have a niggling feeling or suspicion in new relationships. This is almost to be expected. I am interested to know how you would tell the difference between fears from your previous relationship and genuine reason to be concerned. Would you reassure yourself if there wasn't physical, conclusive evidence? Obviously it wouldn't bode well for you or your partner if you kept asking her if she was cheating. What would you do if you genuinely had suspicions? Would you confront her, or just end the relationship?
Xiomn Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Hi. To start off, OP, agree or disagree with this statement: 'What my partner doesn't know about me will never hurt them'. Sounds harsh to hide it from them and no doubt' you'll get lots of responses telling you that if you're a good person you should tell him and that he has the right to know but you know nothing good will come from it as the first post suggested. If you've realized what a mistake you made and have learned then I myself personally would keep quiet if it were me but it's up to you.
William Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Due to a number of moderated members posting in this thread, the queue brought it to my attention and it appears to have run far afield of the topical material brought forth by the thread starter about their relationship. We have threads available for free to discuss other aspects of infidelity, present and past; here we'll confine them to the specifics of the thread starter's dating dynamic. Thanks. For those with posts in the queue, if you don't see them, you were part of this thread jack. No further sanctions will apply.
Author kitson123 Posted January 3, 2016 Author Posted January 3, 2016 kitson123, have you been just dating or living together with your BF at the time of the cheating? Was there the exclusive talk? We were just dating, we are not living together. I have already broken things off with the guy I cheated with, and I even left the company after. We do not talk and see each other anymore. Now, my bf and I talked about cheating before, and as what he says, it is OK if the guy cheats bc it is more of fulfilling some physical needs or something, while if a girl cheats, that would be unforgiveable bc women are more emotional in nature. Is that true? Because at the back of my mind, I know that at some point, he cheated on me. He has this girl that he used to talk about a lot before (during the time he was sort of ignoring me) that I tried confronting him about but to no success. I remember one time a year into the relationship, he was drunk and he told me that I should be careful with him because this girl is giving him the 'vibes' lol
Brapting Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 (edited) We were just dating, we are not living together. I have already broken things off with the guy I cheated with, and I even left the company after. We do not talk and see each other anymore. Now, my bf and I talked about cheating before, and as what he says, it is OK if the guy cheats bc it is more of fulfilling some physical needs or something, while if a girl cheats, that would be unforgiveable bc women are more emotional in nature. Is that true? Because at the back of my mind, I know that at some point, he cheated on me. He has this girl that he used to talk about a lot before (during the time he was sort of ignoring me) that I tried confronting him about but to no success. I remember one time a year into the relationship, he was drunk and he told me that I should be careful with him because this girl is giving him the 'vibes' lol He is talking rubbish. It is equally as bad when a woman cheats on a man as it is when a man cheats on a woman. The differences between men and woman have nothing to do with it. It is still an act of betrayal and as posters have said, this is made ten times worse if you continue to deceive him about it. Even if he was the most unpleasant man on the planet, I still think that it is only 'right' that you admit to him what happened. Everyone is entitled to the truth. From what you have described, he may well have cheated on you and is trying to justify himself, but I am no expert, I do not have all the facts to hand and I am really in no position to make this call. If you decide to tell him, maybe you could set it up as some kind of "lets be honest in 2016" kind of talk and admit to it. Perhaps if he has cheated in the past (and he is mature enough) he will come clean too. Then think how much of a better position you will both be in. I fail to see why a guy would get angry and upset at a partners infidelity if he too had cheated...it would be very immature, selfish, hypocritical and childlike. But perhaps it happens. Edited January 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
introverted1 Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 I fail to see why a guy would get angry at a partners infidelity if he too had cheated...it would be very immature, selfish, hypocritical and childlike...very much like a child. But I guess it happens. If they've both cheated then you gotta wonder why they are in a relationship at all. Seems neither has the commitment or morality to make a R work.
oregon0011 Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 What he is saying is men and women usually cheat for other reasons. A woman cheats when she wants to leave her partner or is dissatisfied. A man cheats just to get off, and forgets about this girl in 5 minutes. Not always, but generally. It doesn't mean he cheated. I never cheated and had these discussions before. Also, obviously, women can get pregnant as well. Women generally are more careful with who enters them, where as guys never have this risk.
mirandasbuddy Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 What he is saying is men and women usually cheat for other reasons. A woman cheats when she wants to leave her partner or is dissatisfied. A man cheats just to get off, and forgets about this girl in 5 minutes. Not always, but generally. It doesn't mean he cheated. I never cheated and had these discussions before. Also, obviously, women can get pregnant as well. Women generally are more careful with who enters them, where as guys never have this risk. This is double standard bullcrap. OP, only you know your boyfriend. If he is a person who can see the big picture, then he may be able to get past it. If he is like....many of the men one encounters online....then even if you've been married 25 faithful years when he finds out, you're dirt from then on out. I wouldn't make a choice about confession based on what he might do. I would make it based on your own values.
mssweet Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 I have to say, I don't fully understand the current social "ideal" of crucifixion or self flagellation by truth. Whats the point of confessing now? really? Theres just no upside unless you are into self harm and pain. The outcomes can only be: 1) He forgives you and life goes on as it has and would have even if you'd said nothing - however you can never unlearn something ... 2) It creates a breakup causing pain and damage for everyone. What would you have gained? What would _he_ have gained? A settled conscience? Don't make me laugh. Life is too short, choose happiness over being right (or righteous) any day. The relationship is doomed either way. There's a chance he can (and most likely will) find out in the future. I think when someone cheats, the victim deserves to know the kind of person they are dating. 3
thecrucible Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 The best thing in my mind is that she end with him. If she's been inclined to cheat then she obviously wasn't very satisfied with the relationship and it wasn't working out for her. She shouldn't cling to something that isn't really working. She should just end it. If she decides to end the relationship, whether she tells him about the cheating would have no effect on their relationship henceforth and it would seem pointless to mention unless there was a likelihood of him finding out from a third party. I'm in the school of thought of "if you are going end it with him anyway, why cause him further pain?". I know people say "If I was cheated on, I would want to know" but it's also horrendous emotional pain to have that be done to you. I suspect that a previous ex may have cheated on me and he broke up with me partly because of that (he never said but I suspected it). If that was the case then I'm glad I never heard the truth. Also well done for someone mentioning the potential sexual health implications. That is food for thought. I wonder if she has had a recent check-up to confirm there is no health risk to him.
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