oregon0011 Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 I recently went through this, although only after a few months of dating. At first I wished she did not tell me. It hurt. And I was wondering why she would even tell me now? At this point, I am no longer attracted to her at all and view her as a girl who opens her legs for anyone. What if she got a disease? What if she got pregnant? Just Lost all attraction for her. Of course she told me we just started dating etc etc I am with the others that you should tell him. Yes it will ruin the relationship. But what if you decide to tell him a year from now? Or 5 years? Just more wasted time. 2
Brapting Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 I recently went through this, although only after a few months of dating. At first I wished she did not tell me. It hurt. And I was wondering why she would even tell me now? At this point, I am no longer attracted to her at all and view her as a girl who opens her legs for anyone. What if she got a disease? What if she got pregnant? Just Lost all attraction for her. Of course she told me we just started dating etc etc I am with the others that you should tell him. Yes it will ruin the relationship. But what if you decide to tell him a year from now? Or 5 years? Just more wasted time. Are you still in a relationship with her?
thecrucible Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Keep your trap shut. Nothing good will come of it at this point. You're both now at the stage where you are making each other happy, after a long while of uncertainty. Your relationship has gotten going and you're exclusive now, earlier indiscretions when you aren't sure about the status of your relationship (which could have been overcome by communication, but that isn't the case so it's useless thinking of it) can be overlooked if you both weren't considering each other as the "significant other". Make it a new start and stop beating yourself up. Judging from the way he treated you at the start I'd go so far as to say he probably has the odd indiscretion or two under his belt too. Enjoy your relationship as it is now and don't cheat in the future, otherwise you really will have to answer to it. I agree with you completely. If she brings it up, no good can come from it. Besides, as you imply, who's to say that he's perfect? They've both made mistakes so they should focus on rebuilding their relationship rather than bringing up the past. I honestly think if she does bring it up with him, it will cause unnecessary pain. Kindness is better than honesty. 1
kendahke Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 (edited) A lie of omission is just as bad as a bald-faced lie. I'd advise that you think long and hard about the consequences once the truth outs because that's the nature of truth: it always outs when the liar/deceiver can least afford it; either 10 minutes from now or 25 years from now. They will think "she looked me in my face and lied to me all this time". IMO, making him live a lie for your own convenience is cruel--he will feel like a fool the longer you keep the truth from him. I seriously doubt anyone would be ok with that. The relationship is already over... it was the day you OK'd it with yourself to turn to another man for physical comfort instead of telling your boyfriend that the incompatibility has made you rethink the wisdom in remaining in a relationship with him. Probably would have arrived at the breaking up phase either way you went if he wasn't being who you needed him to be in the first place. Edited January 3, 2016 by kendahke 1
Brapting Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 (edited) I agree with you completely. If she brings it up, no good can come from it. Besides, as you imply, who's to say that he's perfect? They've both made mistakes so they should focus on rebuilding their relationship rather than bringing up the past. This just sounds like an attempt justify betrayal to me. I guess some people would be content to know that their partner has made 'mistakes' and settle for this ambiguous, wishy-washy attempt to avoid responsibility and own their choices. Personally I would want the truth if my partner had made the choice to betray me, however uncomfortable and unpleasant that truth may be. If he also isn't perfect with regards to cheating, maybe he may take the opportunity to own up to it to. Think how open, honest and stronger the relationship would be if it moved forward from this. What you are suggesting is that they rebuild their relationship on the foundations of betrayal and deception. Edited January 3, 2016 by Brapting 2
oregon0011 Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 (edited) Are you still in a relationship with her? No. And it allowed me to see the "real" her. As you can see in this thread, OP is sort of justifying what she did. And this went on for 4 months. I wasn't a drunken kiss at a bar. If that was the case I would say no need to tell. It was about 15% of their relationship. If they ever married the problems couples have are much more severe, and she would most likely cheat again. He needs to know. Edited January 3, 2016 by oregon0011
Brapting Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 No. And it allowed me to see the "real" her. As you can see in this thread, OP is sort of justifying what she did. And this went on for 4 months. I wasn't a drunken kiss at a bar. If that was the case I would say no need to tell. It was about 15% of their relationship. If they ever married the problems couples have are much more severe, and she would most likely cheat again. He needs to know. Fair play. I agree with some of this, but the OP still needs to be given a break. I will gather my thoughts and prepare what I would be telling him. If only I was not stupid 10 months ago... I screwed up my life She is clearly remorseful and recognizes that what she did was wrong. She is taking steps to resolve it. People are allowed to forgive themselves and they can learn from their mistakes.
WaitingForBardot Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 I agree with the earlier point that we should treat others the way we wish to be treated. The way I wish to have been treated was that my wife not had an affair. That ship has apparently sailed in this case. The way I wish to be treated after the fact, is that my wife not tell me. What matters to me right now, is her actions and behaviors, right now. 1
Brapting Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 I agree with the earlier point that we should treat others the way we wish to be treated. The way I wish to have been treated was that my wife not had an affair. That ship has apparently sailed in this case. The way I wish to be treated after the fact, is that my wife not tell me. What matters to me right now, is her actions and behaviors, right now. So you are content with you wife lying to you or you are just indifferent to her deception? Or maybe it is okay for your wife to sleep with other men providing that she doesn't tell you about it? If what she did in past doesn't matter, what is wrong with her telling you? Surely it would be prudent to know the truth rather than live in a palatable fantasy world of lies (like burying your head in the sand).
WaitingForBardot Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 So you are content with you wife lying to you or you are just indifferent to her deception? Or maybe it is okay for your wife to sleep with other men providing that she doesn't tell you about it? If what she did in past doesn't matter, what is wrong with her telling you? Surely it would be prudent to know the truth rather than live in a palatable fantasy world of lies (like burying your head in the sand). No I do not want my wife to lie to me and no I do not think she should sleep with other men. I did not say the past didn't matter, I just said I would not want to know. I do not consider not telling me something like this, that I know nothing about, have any reason to suspect, nor have ever asked about, to be lying. Yes, a lie of omission, just not one worthy of confession, IMO. And although palatable ..lol.. I do not consider defining our relationship based on her actions in the here and now to be living in a world of lies. And those actions need not include revelation of past mistakes. Either she's remorseful or she's not, either she'll stray again or she'll not; a confession will not change this. I like what I have in the here and now. 1
bubbaganoosh Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Look at it from this point of view. You can withhold the information and let it slide, but what if he finds out on the street somehow and before you say it can't, well it could. Then to me it's worse. You made a choice to cheat on your boyfriend. Now you need to fess up and let him have his choice if he wants to stay or go. It's the right thing to do. 2
thecrucible Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 This just sounds like an attempt justify betrayal to me. I guess some people would be content to know that their partner has made 'mistakes' and settle for this ambiguous, wishy-washy attempt to avoid responsibility and own their choices. Personally I would want the truth if my partner had made the choice to betray me, however uncomfortable and unpleasant that truth may be. If he also isn't perfect with regards to cheating, maybe he may take the opportunity to own up to it to. Think how open, honest and stronger the relationship would be if it moved forward from this. What you are suggesting is that they rebuild their relationship on the foundations of betrayal and deception. I just think it's better to tell someone straight after the betrayal rather than months later. It hurts a lot more when you do that. A girl I know cheated on her man with someone but she didn't tell him until almost a year later and probably not at a very appropriate time. Then he cheated on her to get back at her and the whole thing was a complete mess. Probably looking back it's better to look back at the relationship and decide whether you still want to be in it. If it's a relationship that you no longer want to be in there is no point in telling them as it would be ever worse for that person. There was a regretful incident in my past when I cheated on a guy I was dating. I fessed up straight away and we broke up and I am continually haunted by the pain I caused him years later. At the time, some were suggesting that I shouldn't have told him and made him that sad; and that I should have waited and perhaps broken up with him rather than have told him as we were long distance anyway and he would not have found out. :/ Also sorry to sound like a man hater but I've come across several guys through my social network who have done naughty things behind gf's back and never fessed up to it. It does make me wonder. Sometimes you are honest with the person and they are not honest with you and it makes you feel that you've exposed your vulnerabilities too readily. Thanks for offering your point of view and disagreeing with me. It's good to get different perspectives. I am not suggesting that dishonesty is ideal. I think it's better for the person who committed the misdeed to deal and live with the pain of their actions than offload on their partner and forever damage them emotionally.
IronZ Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 At first I was under the impression this was a one time mistake but 4 months? That's a whole nother relationship you had. You two timed this guy. I understand you felt bad because of how things were with you two but the best move then would've been to break things off or just take a break and figure this out. Resorting to dating somebody else under his nose is just wrong. In this case he deserves to know. I can't tell you what to do here because in the end I'm not responsible for what comes of it.. none of us are but you. So you have to decide now. What you did was wrong. Will you own up to it? Will you continue deceiving him? Break things off? I think deep down you know what the right answer is.
HereNorThere Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 You know he deserves the truth. The question is whether or not you have the integrity to tell him. If you were sleeping with different people at the same time and withheld that information from him, you violated his rights. He would most likely not consent to sleeping with you knowing he could possibly be sharing another man's fluids. He has a right to know for his own sexual health history. He has a right to know the truth about his own life. Sure, you could try to keep hiding it and there's a chance he would never find out, but you'll always be looking over your shoulder. You'll always know that the rug could be pulled out from under you at any moment. The longer he invests in the relationship without you confessing it's less likely he will be able to forgive you. Every day you hide the truth from him is another days worth of lies. The foundation of your relationship is built on deception and lies that could be exposed and ruin it all. At least with confession you have some control and won't be blind sided to the consequences. Some of your guilt will be relieved and you won't have to live a life of paranoia and shame. Just get it over with some you can live an authentic life.
Leucine Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 I have to say, I don't fully understand the current social "ideal" of crucifixion or self flagellation by truth. Whats the point of confessing now? really? Theres just no upside unless you are into self harm and pain. The outcomes can only be: 1) He forgives you and life goes on as it has and would have even if you'd said nothing - however you can never unlearn something ... 2) It creates a breakup causing pain and damage for everyone. What would you have gained? What would _he_ have gained? A settled conscience? Don't make me laugh. Life is too short, choose happiness over being right (or righteous) any day. Agreed. If the relationship is functional now, there's just no need to create drama by bringing it up at this point. The past is the past, if the situation has changed for the better then there is no need to return to the old ways. It would be an entirely different story if she didn't learn from her mistake and was planning to cheat again. For the record I'm a guy, and I wouldn't like being cheated on or lied to, but this is the position that I get from rational thinking. I don't fully understand the severity and pseudo-philosophical meanings that some people attach to these situations by thinking with their incredibly sensitive egos.
Brapting Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 (edited) For the record I'm a guy, and I wouldn't like being cheated on or lied to, but this is the position that I get from rational thinking. The hypocrisy here is just startling. "Rationally people should lie to their partners about their infidelity, unless it was my partner cheating on me...then they should tell the truth." Seems like you are able to avoid thinking with your incredibly sensitive ego...except when the infidelity involves you! Edited January 3, 2016 by Brapting
Leucine Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 The hypocrisy here is just startling. "Rationally people should lie to their partners about their infidelity, unless it was my partner cheating on me...then they should tell the truth." Seems like you are able to avoid think with your incredibly sensitive ego...except when the infidelity involves you! No. You misunderstand. Not liking something doesn't mean I'm unable to deal with it. I don't really care about past events that don't affect the present because I'm not one to dwell on the past. I'm not demanding to "hear the truth" if she had a blip that is now firmly in the past. I don't even fully understand what makes it so different from her past partners before me. I'm not spending any time thinking about it. The thing is though that it will hurt many (most?) other guys' egos, and if OP proceeded to tell him about it, chances are nothing good would come from it.
JS84 Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Sorry but all relationships are going to have their ups and downs. And the longer you are with someone the more downs you will have. What is to stop you from doing this again the next time your relationship (or another) hits a speed bump?? Personally if I was cheated on, I would want to know. Especially sooner rather than later. I've heard too many stories about people being cheated on then finding out years later and feeling like their entire relationship or marriage after the cheating was a complete sham. Also it's not like you had a one night stand after getting to drunk. You cheated on the guy for 4 months and I'm assuming you still work with the co-worker you cheated with. Which if so, is also not cool. If you love your boyfriend as much as you claim you do and want to be fair to him, tell him what you did and let him decide if you're the type of person he even wants to be in a relationship with. Because all you've been doing is deceiving him and letting him remain in a relationship with you under completely false pretenses. Believe me, you'll hurt him a hell of a lot worse if he finds out what you did much later or from a third party. Being honest is not selfish. Cheating on, lying to, and manipulating people you care about is. Just remember that if anything. 1
Lois_Griffin Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 He is not the kind of boyfriend who shows affection, as he prefers to treat me like I was one of his boys (except we kiss and have sex). At first I was not really fond of this, but I learned to live with it as we dated. During that time, I was feeling unloved. All I want for us to talk about some issues that we are having in the relationship (sex, his lack of affection, his suspected affair, etc), but every time I try to bring it up, he twists it and makes me feel just worse (he gets pissed off and says I'm just over reacting, and that I should not be taking this relationship seriously) Well, isn't HE a charmer? So you've basically settled for the absolute minimum in order to cling to this guy (for whatever reasons I don't understand) and think you've now 'ruined' your life at the ripe old age of 22?' Hardly. You screwed up, no doubt. However the fact that you felt compelled to find attention somewhere else DOES speak volumes. You've SETTLED for a minimized version of what you really want. You say you've adapted to the way he is but what you really did was compromise your OWN needs in order to keep him in your life. Sorry, but you're only 22. This won't be your last relationship nor should it be. You're NOT getting your emotional needs met and all you're doing is ignoring what YOU need in order to cling to this guy because you 'think' he's the one you want forever. So big deal, he's become 'nicer.' Give him a cookie for effort. Don't compromise your OWN needs and desires in ANY relationship. If you do, you'll find yourself doing exactly what you did before - looking elsewhere to have your needs met. 1
oregon0011 Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 No. You misunderstand. Not liking something doesn't mean I'm unable to deal with it. I don't really care about past events that don't affect the present because I'm not one to dwell on the past. I'm not demanding to "hear the truth" if she had a blip that is now firmly in the past. I don't even fully understand what makes it so different from her past partners before me. I'm not spending any time thinking about it. The thing is though that it will hurt many (most?) other guys' egos, and if OP proceeded to tell him about it, chances are nothing good would come from it. A. Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. Would you rather know she has no problem spreading for other guys now, or after you have a family? B. And of course, one day if she is pregnant, I am betting you would like to be sure that kid is yours? Or would her getting pregnant by another guy while being with you also be "in the past" and nothing to worry about? 1
Leucine Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 (edited) A. Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. Would you rather know she has no problem spreading for other guys now, or after you have a family? B. And of course, one day if she is pregnant, I am betting you would like to be sure that kid is yours? Or would her getting pregnant by another guy while being with you also be "in the past" and nothing to worry about? A. That assertion speaks more about you than anyone else. You're probably unable to ever change your own old ways and think everyone else is the same. Yeah, she had no problems "spreading for other guys" before you either, unless she was a virgin. Get over it and grow a pair. She's not your property. B. There are things called paternity tests. If you take a woman's word that she's always been faithful as an assurance that you're the father - enjoy being cuckolded. Edited January 3, 2016 by Leucine 1
oregon0011 Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 A. That assertion speaks more about you than anyone else. You're probably unable to ever change your own old ways and think everyone else is the same. Yeah, she had no problems "spreading for other guys" before you either, unless she was a virgin. Get over it and grow a pair. She's not your property. B. There are things called paternity tests. If you take a woman's word that she's always been faithful as an assurance that you're the father - enjoy being cuckolded. Yes. That would go very well. "Oh honey. You are pregnant? Well I will just back off now, wait for the birth,then the results of the paternity test, and if it is mine, well then we can stay together" Once again, I am open minded. If this was a one minute slip up. But she lied for 4 months. That is not a mistake. That is 4 months of lies, stories , deceiving, and living a double life. And no, not all women would do this. He deserves better. 3
Brapting Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 I was thinking about this and generally speaking, I wonder if lying about (or 'omitting') ones infidelity could be considered psychological and emotionally abusive. After all, it involves deliberately restricting the partners access to all the available information and attempting to limit their capacity to make an informed choice. For whatever reason or justification, surely it is an attempt to control and manipulate the decision making ability of the partner in question? 1
Brapting Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 A. That assertion speaks more about you than anyone else. You're probably unable to ever change your own old ways and think everyone else is the same. Yeah, she had no problems "spreading for other guys" before you either, unless she was a virgin. Get over it and grow a pair. She's not your property. B. There are things called paternity tests. If you take a woman's word that she's always been faithful as an assurance that you're the father - enjoy being cuckolded. So you would paternity test any child that a woman claimed to be yours? Just in case? That assertion speaks more about you than anyone else. Real secure.
oregon0011 Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 I was thinking about this and generally speaking, I wonder if lying about (or 'omitting') ones infidelity could be considered psychological and emotionally abusive. After all, it involves deliberately restricting the partners access to all the available information and attempting to limit their capacity to make an informed choice. For whatever reason or justification, surely it is an attempt to control and manipulate the decision making ability of the partner in question? I agree. And to make that "emotional abuse" worse, often times the partner being cheated on senses and knows something is going on. In this case her bf most likely sensed a change in her texts, availability, words, behavior, actions and she probably spoke to him in a way that made him think he was going crazy with all of the lying.
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