Should I confess to an old affair?

January 2, 2016

Hi. To start off, I am 22 years old and I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. Of all the relationships I've had in the past, my current relationship actually makes me feel that I am with the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Now, my bf is really different from all the guys I have dated before and I do love him to the point that I think I'm going nuts.. He is a really cool and chill guy. He is not the kind of boyfriend who shows affection, as he prefers to treat me like I was one of his boys (except we kiss and have sex). At first I was not really fond of this, but I learned to live with it as we dated.

Around 10 months ago, I cheated on him with one of my co workers. I was having problems with work, uni, and him. Mostly work and him, anyway. We work in the same line of business, but in different companies, though We see each other once or twice a week. During that time, I was feeling unloved. All I want for us to talk about some issues that we are having in the relationship (sex, his lack of affection, his suspected affair, etc), but every time I try to bring it up, he twists it and makes me feel just worse (he gets pissed off and says I'm just over reacting, and that I should not be taking this relationship seriously)

Looking back, I should have known better.

The affair ended after 4 months, after realizing how irresponsible and stupid it was.

A month after the affair ended, my bf started changing. Idk what exactly happened but he was getting nicer.

I know whatever that I say wont really justify this horrible thing that I have done to him.. But I am at loss as to what I should do regarding this. I've longed realized that I have made a terrible mistake, and I have been torturing myself bc of this. I do not want to lose him, but I want to be fair and to do the right thing. The guilt is eating me up for months now; I even cry until I vomit. I feel like a bad person. I have been thinking of suicide lately. I do not know what to do.. I feel like a whore who jumped at a guy who smothered me with affection when my bf is ignoring me

January 2, 2016

Keep your trap shut. Nothing good will come of it at this point. You're both now at the stage where you are making each other happy, after a long while of uncertainty. Your relationship has gotten going and you're exclusive now, earlier indiscretions when you aren't sure about the status of your relationship (which could have been overcome by communication, but that isn't the case so it's useless thinking of it) can be overlooked if you both weren't considering each other as the "significant other".

Make it a new start and stop beating yourself up. Judging from the way he treated you at the start I'd go so far as to say he probably has the odd indiscretion or two under his belt too. Enjoy your relationship as it is now and don't cheat in the future, otherwise you really will have to answer to it.

January 2, 2016

Realise, that all these terrible feelings are yours and yours alone. You created the situation, now you can deal with the repercussions of it. Don't even think about washing your conscience on him. You should tell him, but not as a way to ease your own pain. Realise also that when you do tell him it will very likely be the end of your relationship. That also is the situation you created, accept it. You have no right to expect forgiveness here or a second chance. You've blown it, and need to live the outcome of that.

Maybe next time you'll bring some more maturity to your relationships and remember that this action cost you the man you wanted to marry once before.

I have no time nor patience for people who do this. As someone who was on the receiving end, I know all the bull**** that cheaters bring with them. I was stupid, I was lonely etc. So what? Everyone experiences that from time to time, not everyone goes out and sexes up other people as a result.

January 2, 2016

I feel for you, but if he had cheated on you, wouldn't you want to know the truth?

I think that you should tell him as soon as possible. The longer you leave it, the worse it will be, because not only have you cheated on him, but now you are deceiving him about it...and this will only amplify his pain.

It will hurt him. There is no escaping that, but continuing to lie about it is not good for him or you. Once you have come clean, you can begin to forgive yourself and the healing process can begin. You clearly feel guilty about it, so on some level you must know that telling him the truth is the right thing to do and it shows that you have a conscience.

I know you may not want to hear this, but I would mentally and physically prepare for the relationship to end. Maybe even resign yourself to the fact that it is over...then explain it to him the best that you can. I would avoid justifying it or blaming it on anything that he did or didn't do and take full responsibility for your actions and what you have done. Then maybe give him some space. What comes next will be completely up to him.

Edited January 2, 2016 by Brapting

January 2, 2016

I feel like a whore who jumped at a guy who smothered me with affection when my bf is ignoring me

Yes you should tell your bf and you should say what you said above to show the maturity that a change has occurred within you. Much better alternative than him finding out (soon or later down the line) and it will also give you more peace, whether this works out or not.

January 2, 2016

Sounds like you've learned your lesson, so you should get over it and not mention a word unless there's a risk that he will find out about it anyway.

January 2, 2016

Sounds like you've learned your lesson, so you should get over it and not mention a word unless there's a risk that he will find out about it anyway.

I wonder if your partner has cheated on you? Maybe they have learned their lesson so they do not feel the need to tell you.

Out of interest, would you want to know the truth?

Edited January 2, 2016 by Brapting

January 2, 2016

I wonder if your partner has cheated on you? Maybe they have learned their lesson so they do not feel the need to tell you.

Out of interest, would you want to know the truth?

The OP made it clear that at the start the relationship was very much casual and he was treated so. I'd absolutely agree with everybody else about coming clean had it been an exclusive relationship from the start. But why ruin a good thing right after all of the creases have been ironed out and both are finally on exclusive ground. He's not going to do it again.

January 2, 2016

I wonder if your partner has cheated on you? Maybe they have learned their lesson so they do not feel the need to tell you.

Out of interest, would you want to know the truth?

As much as stupid as it sounds, I would not want to know if he cheated.

I've been suspecting him months after we started the relationship since he was giving me all of these signs, and I feel that he was capable of cheating as I was sort of the other girl before we started the relationship, since he was seeing another girl that time (We officially got together after she dumped him)

But the problem is whether he cheated or not, but the fact that I strayed from him months ago..

I guess I might have been dropped in the head when I was a baby lol

January 3, 2016

The OP made it clear that at the start the relationship was very much casual and he was treated so. I'd absolutely agree with everybody else about coming clean had it been an exclusive relationship from the start. But why ruin a good thing right after all of the creases have been ironed out and both are finally on exclusive ground. He's not going to do it again.

You are not him, so you don't get to decide whether it is okay or not. It is only right that the guy in question gets to make that decision. From what the OP has said, they had been together for 14 months before the cheating occurred and given the OP's own uneasy feelings of guilt...it seems like a long time for it to be a non-exclusive, casual relationship.

Although maybe you are right, maybe it was casual and non-exclusive, in which case the guy in question may be okay with it, but at least give him the opportunity to make a judgement based on the truth. Either that or accept that any future relationship will be based around a lie about the OPs infidelity.

January 3, 2016

You are not him, so you don't get to decide whether it is okay or not. It is only right that the guy in question gets to make that decision. From what the OP has said, they had been together for 14 months before the cheating occurred and given the OP's own uneasy feelings of guilt...it seems like a long time for it to be a non-exclusive, casual relationship.

Although maybe you are right, maybe it was casual and non-exclusive, in which case the guy in question may be okay with it, but at least give him the opportunity to make a judgement based on the truth. Either that or accept that any future relationship will be based around a lie about the OPs infidelity.

I didn't say whether it was ok or not, I gave an opinion which the OP asked for. If two people are in a happy relationship which will continue to be happy, after a shaky inconclusive start, why ruin it. You're right, it's his choice.

January 3, 2016

I feel for you, but if he had cheated on you, wouldn't you want to know the truth?

I think that you should tell him as soon as possible. The longer you leave it, the worse it will be, because not only have you cheated on him, but now you are deceiving him about it...and this will only amplify his pain.

It will hurt him. There is no escaping that, but continuing to lie about it is not good for him or you. Once you have come clean, you can begin to forgive yourself and the healing process can begin. You clearly feel guilty about it, so on some level you must know that telling him the truth is the right thing to do and it shows that you have a conscience.

I know you may not want to hear this, but I would mentally and physically prepare for the relationship to end. Maybe even resign yourself to the fact that it is over...then explain it to him the best that you can. I would avoid justifying it or blaming it on anything that he did or didn't do and take full responsibility for your actions and what you have done. Then maybe give him some space. What comes next will be completely up to him.

What would be the good time to tell him this? I forgot to mention that we are currently ldr as of a month ago.. Should I tell him this right away? or wait till i go home next month? It is really difficult for I am wishing to get some kind of forgiveness or if the relationship can be saved.

January 3, 2016

As much as stupid as it sounds, I would not want to know if he cheated.
I've been suspecting him months after we started the relationship since he was giving me all of these signs, and I feel that he was capable of cheating as I was sort of the other girl before we started the relationship, since he was seeing another girl that time (We officially got together after she dumped him)

But the problem is whether he cheated or not, but the fact that I strayed from him months ago..

I guess I might have been dropped in the head when I was a baby lol

Bless ya, but this is what I mean about not telling him as soon as it happens.

Personally I do not think that you can let this one sit. The longer you leave it, the worst it will be.

Your answer tells you everything that you need to know. I may be difficult, but why would you treat the person that you love worst than you would expect to be treated?

To me the choice is simple:

- Tell him the truth and forgive yourself. Whatever the outcome, you will have taken responsibility for your actions and know that you have been true to yourself and him.

- Continue to deceive him and learn to live with the guilt of cheating and lying to him. Accept that you can never be fully open and honest with each other in any future relationship.

January 3, 2016

What would be the good time to tell him this? I forgot to mention that we are currently ldr as of a month ago.. Should I tell him this right away? or wait till i go home next month? It is really difficult for I am wishing to get some kind of forgiveness or if the relationship can be saved.

Oh sweetheart

This is going to be really hard. I almost want to tell you not to do it, but I really don't think it is the best thing for you or him.

I would tell him face to face, but you are restricted a little if it is a ldr thing. I completely emphasise that you want the relationship to continue at all costs and I really feel for you, but you must know deep down that the relationship tainted at the moment with the lie.

I am going to level with you. There is a strong possibility that he will end it and maybe mentally and physically prepare yourself for it to be over. Betrayal can tear people apart and it is a tough thing to deal with. Maybe treat it like a 'expect the worst, hope for the best' kind of deal...but expect the worst.

One final thing. Do not expect his forgiveness. Only know that will be able to forgive yourself with time...but I think that this can only be fully achieved once that you have been honest with him.

Is there anyone that you trust that you can ask for advice about it?

January 3, 2016

You should probably go ahead and tell. because what will happen is you will marry him, be faithful for 20 years, have several kids, and build a life. Then he will accidentally find out, post to a forum, and every man on there, along with some women, will tell him to dump you. It won't matter what you learend, what kinda wife you were, or how faithful you were for 20 years. All in your life that matters now is what you did 10 months ago. Welcome to stupidity hell.

It ain't worth it.

January 3, 2016

What would be the good time to tell him this?

Do it now. ASAP. Even use the New Year as an excuse, if you need to. You will have a fresh start one way or another. Either with each other or with other people.

January 3, 2016

Do it now. ASAP. Even use the New Year as an excuse, if you need to. You will have a fresh start one way or another. Either with each other or with other people.

I will gather my thoughts and prepare what I would be telling him. If only I was not stupid 10 months ago... I screwed up my life

January 3, 2016

I have to say, I don't fully understand the current social "ideal" of crucifixion or self flagellation by truth.

Whats the point of confessing now? really? Theres just no upside unless you are into self harm and pain. The outcomes can only be:

1) He forgives you and life goes on as it has and would have even if you'd said nothing - however you can never unlearn something ...

2) It creates a breakup causing pain and damage for everyone.

What would you have gained? What would _he_ have gained?

A settled conscience? Don't make me laugh. Life is too short, choose happiness over being right (or righteous) any day.

January 3, 2016

I will gather my thoughts and prepare what I would be telling him. If only I was not stupid 10 months ago... I screwed up my life

I don't think that you have screwed up your life. You may have made a mistake, but these things happen and you can move forward from it. You may feel bad at the moment, but I promise you that it won't be like that forever. If you feel strong enough and you want to, you could try and communicate to him that you feel that you have made a mistake and that you feel guilty. Like I have said, he may still not forgive you, but at least you will have been open and honest about how you feel about it now and your responsibility.

Think of the massive positives here. You have recognized that you done something wrong and I think that you taking the right steps to resolve the situation. You are being honest with yourself and more importantly, to him. It may no seem like much now, but you will be thankful later.

So chin up...and think of the relief and peace that you will feel once you have finally got it off your chest.

January 3, 2016

I have to say, I don't fully understand the current social "ideal" of crucifixion or self flagellation by truth.

Whats the point of confessing now? really? Theres just no upside unless you are into self harm and pain. The outcomes can only be:

1) He forgives you and life goes on as it has and would have even if you'd said nothing - however you can never unlearn something ...

2) It creates a breakup causing pain and damage for everyone.

What would you have gained? What would _he_ have gained?

A settled conscience? Don't make me laugh. Life is too short, choose happiness over being right (or righteous) any day.

Simple, would you want to know? Or would you prefer to be lied to?

It is not a social ideal, rather treating others how you would want to be treated...especially the ones that you love the most.

That is unless you are content lying to people, deceiving them whilst expecting preferential treatment. Add a lack of conscience, remorse and capacity for guilt and you have yourself a psychopath!

January 3, 2016

I am on the "don't tell him" side. This was your mistake and your guilt. What he does not know will not hurt him and by telling him you are only relieving yourself of the guilt of a very selfish act. This will him tremendously and only in the name of honesty???? I don't think that's the reason. The real reason is your guilt. Own the price of cheating and never do that again.

In spite of my urging and directness, I truly do feel for you and your bf. I mean no disrespect but the likelihood that this relationship will result in marriage is not very good because of your age alone. Just remember the price of dishonesty and let that guide you going forward.

January 3, 2016

I have to say, I don't fully understand the current social "ideal" of crucifixion or self flagellation by truth.

Whats the point of confessing now? really? Theres just no upside unless you are into self harm and pain. The outcomes can only be:

1) He forgives you and life goes on as it has and would have even if you'd said nothing - however you can never unlearn something ...

2) It creates a breakup causing pain and damage for everyone.

What would you have gained? What would _he_ have gained?

A settled conscience? Don't make me laugh. Life is too short, choose happiness over being right (or righteous) any day.

...also, who said anything about basing the decision on some conception of a moral code of righteousness?

I think it is right because I would want to know the truth rather than being lied to (an opinion that the OP appears to share).

Not only that but I feel that the OP will feel better about herself if she tells the truth and any future relationship (however unlikely) will be stronger, more open and honest because of it.

January 3, 2016

The OP made it clear that at the start the relationship was very much casual and he was treated so. I'd absolutely agree with everybody else about coming clean had it been an exclusive relationship from the start. But why ruin a good thing right after all of the creases have been ironed out and both are finally on exclusive ground. He's not going to do it again.

I didn't get that from the OP to be honest. If it all happened in a non-exclusive stage when both were seeing other people then why the guilt? There's guilt because she knows they were exclusive then and that this wasn't kosher. The rest was justification for her thinking processes at the time. Also if it wasn't exclusive then she should be able to just casually mention it and no big deal right? She's scared this is the end of her relationship because she knows what she did wasn't right.

January 3, 2016

I have to say, I don't fully understand the current social "ideal" of crucifixion or self flagellation by truth.

I don't fully understand the current fashion for hedonism and being happy through selfishness that you seem to advocate.

Whats the point of confessing now? really? Theres just no upside unless you are into self harm and pain.

Integrity. Yes, yes I know it's a terribly outdated concept in these times of me, me, me. But hey, I happen to value it.

What would you have gained? What would _he_ have gained?

The OP, actually owning the consequences of ones actions.

Him, being fully aware of the character of the person he decided invest his trust and heart in. Many of life's greatest lessons are moments of pain.

But hey, screw that, lets just descend into hedonism and screw things like character, integrity, personal development. It's far more fun to go through life blind and indulging in personal selfishness.

Life is too short, choose happiness over being right (or righteous) any day.

This says everything about the current social climate actually. Every man for himself, selfishness rules the day. All that matter is I feel good.

January 3, 2016

I didn't get that from the OP to be honest. If it all happened in a non-exclusive stage when both were seeing other people then why the guilt? There's guilt because she knows they were exclusive then and that this wasn't kosher. The rest was justification for her thinking processes at the time. Also if it wasn't exclusive then she should be able to just casually mention it and no big deal right? She's scared this is the end of her relationship because she knows what she did wasn't right.

I agree with all of that, but I think she needs to be given a break. At least she could recognize it was wrong and it is effecting her deeply. She clearly has a conscience, which is more than can be said for many people in her situation.

She had the courage to admit responsibility for her mistake to herself and to us and she is taking steps to resolve the situation in an admirable way.

Everyone makes mistakes and I think that it is only right that she is able to forgive herself and move forward.

Edited January 3, 2016 by Brapting

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