Xiomn Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 So I'm not very close with my family at all. I'm currently in my third and final year at university and only live about one and a half hours away yet despite this I very rarely go home. I also hate my hometown, it's tiny, desolate, boring, depressing with nothing to do and no prospects of a good life there. I'm a big city person at heart and never really want to to return to my hometown after graduating. Independence is probably also the biggest driving influence in my life. As such because I'm at university I've lived independently for the past three years. Last year I only saw my parents for three weeks throughout the entire year and didn't even bother going home for Christmas because me nor my family care much at all for Christmas. Even then the only reason I went home for those three weeks was because I was forced to due to circumstances of my tenancy contract in my university town came to an end for the year. Essentially I very rarely see my parents and have no desire to really. I don't not like my parents, I don't hate them or anything, there are no underlying reasons as to why I'm not close with them such as bad upbringing, bad relationship or anything of that sort. I am quite simply just not close with them simple as that. Now, when dating one inevitability is that the question and topic of family will come up eventually at some point. However, I kind of feel bad talking about my family when it comes to dating because I have this perception that if a girl finds out I'm not very close to my family at all/not family orientated then she will look negatively upon me for this, even moreso because I don't have (what many people would probably perceive) as a reasonable justification for not being close with my family (as suggested above, bad upbringing etc.) This is likely even moreso the case if she herself is close with her family or is very family orientated. There seems to be this perception in society that everyone must be close with their family (unless again there are reasonable justifications for it as above) and as such I feel like I'll be perceived again negatively or a weirdo because i'm not. I feel like I should probably blur the truth a bit when it comes to my relationship with my family if the topic were to be brought up because of this.
d0nnivain Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 People are different & they come from various backgrounds. If your new partner can't accept you for who you are, somebody who didn't come from the type of happy, close family that person enjoyed, then that person is the one with the closed mind & heart. 1
Gaeta Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 I come from a very close knitted family. I see my siblings and their family almost on weekly basis. We spend every single holiday together and even vacation together. That being said I know not all family are close like mine. Mine would even be considered too close at times. I don't have a problem at all dating men that are not close with their family under 2 conditions: 1. He won't keep me from continuing having a close relationship with my family 2. He is open to being part of my family. If he is not open to these 2 conditions then him and I it won't work. It happened a very long time ago I was dating this man who had no family. His parents died in a car accident at 7 and he was raised by his uncle and ant. He never bonded with them. My close relationship with my family was a constant reminder of everything missing in his life. So are you open to be part of someone's family? 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 I think it depends on the type of family your potential partner comes from. If they had a super close loving family they might find it hard to imagine building a life with someone who isn't really family-focused. If someone is in a similar position to you, it might actually be a plus. I'm not really into family in a big way, all grandparents and mother are dead, I'm close to my dad but only in a 'see him once every couple months' way, and I am estranged from all of my siblings (not through my fault believe it or not)! I found it really hard dating a guy with a big close loving family as it was just not something I was used to, I resented it a little at times, part of it I think might have been envy, but part of it was also frustration as I felt like he wasn't as independent as he could be because of that safety net in the background at all times. I would find it a plus to get with a guy who was as independent as you and didn't focus on family so much, but I can see why you'd worry that others might not find it a plus. For example when watching the Bachelor or similar TV shows I always see people saying that a large close family is very important to them in a partner, essential in fact, some people seem to say they wouldn't even date someone whose parents were divorced. And it does make you feel like a failure, nothing that's gone wrong in my family was down to me yet I know I'd be turned down by the kind of person who wants to marry into a close normal family. This day and age, families come in all shapes sizes and formats, unless someone has a truly toxic family (and that can be way too close and interfering and unhealthy just as much as it can be substance abuse, criminal behaviour, estrangement) that would impact upon someone's abilities to have a relationship, I don't think I would give family much of a thought, it's about the person. Don't see it as a problem (it honestly isn't!) and dates won't either. It's not an issue. 1
Author Xiomn Posted January 2, 2016 Author Posted January 2, 2016 I come from a very close knitted family. I see my siblings and their family almost on weekly basis. We spend every single holiday together and even vacation together. That being said I know not all family are close like mine. Mine would even be considered too close at times. I don't have a problem at all dating men that are not close with their family under 2 conditions: 1. He won't keep me from continuing having a close relationship with my family 2. He is open to being part of my family. If he is not open to these 2 conditions then him and I it won't work. It happened a very long time ago I was dating this man who had no family. His parents died in a car accident at 7 and he was raised by his uncle and ant. He never bonded with them. My close relationship with my family was a constant reminder of everything missing in his life. So are you open to be part of someone's family? I don't think I'd have a problem with attempting to be a part of someone else's family, I'd probably be more nervous than usual due to me not being used to having a close family kind of deal at all in my life but that's about it, i'd definitely give it a go. And I by no means would want to keep someone from having a good relationship with their family, that just sounds ridiculous. 1
Author Xiomn Posted January 2, 2016 Author Posted January 2, 2016 I found it really hard dating a guy with a big close loving family as it was just not something I was used to, I resented it a little at times, part of it I think might have been envy, but part of it was also frustration as I felt like he wasn't as independent as he could be because of that safety net in the background at all times. In my first relationship my now ex was very bad with managing her money and would constantly call up her dad every week or two asking for money due to her bad money managing. She could literally just call him up at any time she wanted and ask for money and he would give her £100 like it was nothing every time. This kind of annoyed me because coming from a low-income household I was never so lucky as that and it made me a bit jealous but also a bit annoyed because she was 20 and felt like she wasn't learning anything at all about becoming more independent. Then again that's a different topic altogether I guess, more about class/income than close relationship.
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 In my first relationship my now ex was very bad with managing her money and would constantly call up her dad every week or two asking for money due to her bad money managing. She could literally just call him up at any time she wanted and ask for money and he would give her £100 like it was nothing every time. This kind of annoyed me because coming from a low-income household I was never so lucky as that and it made me a bit jealous but also a bit annoyed because she was 20 and felt like she wasn't learning anything at all about becoming more independent. Then again that's a different topic altogether I guess, more about class/income than close relationship. That would give me serious concerns over someone's ability to handle their finances and be independent too, although having said that I was terrible with money at 20 too, I never asked parents but I got into a tonne of debt, it's now all sorted. But it would be a big turn off.
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