Is my ex rebounding or actually over me?

[bunk]

To make a long, familiar story short, I got dumped. Bout 6 weeks ago. After dating for around 3 years, official/steady for maybe 2 years and 8 months. She's already dating, and I've been screwing up at this no contact thing until now.

 

Just a bit of a heads up, this is going to be long. Sorry.

 

Brief on the relationship: two college kids, different schools, different cities, met at work. We were into all the same movies, music, recreational activities, our emotional vibes were harmonized, all the stuff it usually takes to spark up a relationship yadda yadda. As the relationship progressed we got close with one another's families, took on one another's healthy habits, had really cheesy open up to each other about struggles where the person opening up starts crying immediately, became pretty much simpatico to one another, like ya do. We constantly talked about the future, always 50/50 on who started the conversation, even like up to a few days before the breakup. All pretty normal stuff. Everything was fine. No fighting, nothin, just your occasional silent treatment for a few minutes. All good. Or so it seemed...

 

 

Brief on the breakup: I was in class texting her and she said she had something to tell me but couldn't do it over text, and naturally my insides were abruptly replaced with a black hole. I called her when we both got out of class and, well, I knew what I was going to hear. I didn't see it coming, really, but the way she had been texting me that morning and the past couple of days, where she had been really short, distant, cold, and wouldn't open up to me other than "I'm just feeling weird right now" ...I was caught off guard but I had a couple of "TORA! TORA! TORA!"s, essentially. Warning signs. She had also been asking a lot of heavy questions like "do you think I'm missing out on anything by only ever really being with one person in life?" And yeah that was a red flag, especially retrospectively.

 

So, yeah, called her up and she starts saying stuff like how we're no longer compatible, completely different people, never actually had anything in common, everything. She even gave me all the famous last words like "it's not you, it's me" "you're a great guy" "I just want you to be happy" "I no longer see a future for us" "I need some time and space to find myself" "I tried to change you" all of it. Through my sobs and trying really hard not to choke on a sudden endless supply of saliva and snot running down my throat, I told her I strongly disagreed with her, but have to respect how she feels because I can't make her feel what she doesn't feel anymore. She just kept saying she appreciated how mature and civil I was being about it. Heh, okay.

 

 

Me after the breakup: I took it really hard. I reached out to her friend to ask her what the hell happened, and that didn't really resolve anything because, well, she's her friend. I then reached out to her saying the same thing and she just repeated herself and I still didn't get it. So I left her alone for a while. I focused on myself. I went into notreallycomittingto No Contact. I still TOTALLY stalked her across all forms of social media, and about two weeks in I sent her a text saying something reminded me of her but got no response. Then a week after that, so like 21 days, I crumbled and sent her a text hoping for at least closure and reconciliation and, well, didn't quite go as planned, I'll mention that in a bit... But this whole time I was focusing on myself. Getting back into shape, started running again, working out again, new clothes and hairstyle, going out with old buds and all of that stuff. I know that NC is really more about me than it is about trying to resuscitate a tree stump. But I was still checking in on her, texting her to ask how she was doing and shooting myself in the foot, not really adhering to no contact at all.

 

 

My bouts with NC: When I initially reached out to her around the 21-day mark, she at first was responding with shallow short responses, but then I got her back up to texting me like nothing had ever changed even though both of our worlds are flipped turned upside down. She told me that she felt bad about the fact that she was answering my questions honestly, about how she's happy without me and seeing someone else already. She told me she started seeing him about two weeks after she dumped me, but I know better, it was like a week. Thank you Facebook, ya little scamp. I lied and told her I was doing great and I was happy, too, but the single life isn't for me, and she resembled the statement adding that she has school friends to help her out. In other words, not be single. Great.

 

Since that was a triumphant face plant that at least ended on decent terms, I told myself to wait a while before reaching out to her again. So I waited until Christmas, and asked her about her family and stuff. Responded to all of my texts with friendly but very short responses. I had told myself to just not text her until maybe two weeks after New Years, but I got drunk. Whoops. That didn't go so well at all. At first her texts were just happy drunk texts like mine but then I asked what she was doing on a mutual off day coming up and she just bluntly said she was going to be with him. So drunk me thought this was the perfect time to ask her if he makes her happy, to which she very shortly said he does. I asked her how she really feels, she said she really feels like I should have fun. Then she stopped responding, I sent a few more stupid texts, nothing too bad just the usual "I didn't wanna do this but I am still hurt" type **** but combined with a lot of alcohol.

 

So, when I got home, in a weird brisk moment of clarity, I cut her off from all social media. Blocked her and unfriendly her on Facebook, Instagram, snapchat, and, well, I deleted the text thread. All stuff I should have done a long time ago.

 

 

Her after the breakup: But before I did all of this, I checked her snap story one last time. She's gained weight. Like she's comfort eating. And not just a little weight, like she gained back maybe 20 pounds! Not that that's anything to hold onto but... I don't know. She did say she's been going out and getting drunk A LOT more now than when we were together and that'll do it, too.

 

Again, she said she's happy and he makes her happy, but I think she's lying to both of us, hoping it'll stick and eventually become the truth. And that's not something I say to make myself feel better. I don't. But I really do think she isn't happy. Not entirely anyway. Doesn't mean she will be happy with me, but, ehhh she's not gonna be happy with this dude. Or he's not gonna be happy with her. She's kind of a pain in the ass. Low maintenance but such a pain.

 

 

The possible rebound: I do know for a fact they've been spending a lot of time together though. I'm not stupid. And hey, maybe there is a connection or at least it feels like there is. This whole rebound theory gets a little fuzzy when she's known the guy for a little over a year. He has had a lot of classes with her, similar majors. They're from close hometowns. Apart from her recent pound packin, they're both very health and fitness oriented people. And she had told me before that he confessed to thinking about asking her out until he found out I existed then dropped it entirely, supposedly. And then swooped in like a week or two after I was out of the picture, but again I'm not stupid and realize that he might've been trying to swoop in all along. It doesn't really help me feel better at all but he's not an attractive guy either. Anyway, she did "move on" and start dating really quickly but they've been going at this for a little over a month now, I'm just not so sure it really is a rebound.

 

 

Bonus, reflection on the relationship: some of the things she brought up during the initial breakup did become more and more apparent as I've had a lot of time to go back and over analyze a lot of things. I can't think of anything to really blame other than our conflicting schedules were snuffing out the flame, slowly but surely. Because at least for me, I was under a lot of stress and was always too tired or busy to even be able to go out and have fun most nights. Or she was working. There are a lot of things I learned from both the relationship and the breakup. I know what I could've done to fix things if I had known there was a problem. And I'm still so... Maybe not in love with her but I'm still so head over heels for her, when I know I shouldn't be. To the point where, said and done, even after all of this, I would absolutely consider a second take, with a newer, stronger relationship. I just have a feeling she'll either not be interested at all or convince herself she isn't.

 

 

That's my story, it's kind of a jumbled up mess, but so is the writer and you can't make lemonade without breaking some eggs.

 

 

So, uh, is she just in a silly rebound with this guy? Is she for sure done and over me? Again, today marks my first official day of my second take at NC, and first time actually taking it seriously. Gonna push for a solid 30 days.

[Qboro90]

First off , I'll say I feel where you're coming from. Sounds like this was your "first love" type situation and those are always tough to get over.

 

That being said, no one here is going to be able to tell you what your ex is feeling for the guy she's with or what the nature of their relationship is and how you fit into her emotions. No matter what anyone says, there's no real truth behind it because only she knows.

 

What you need to realize is that while you recognize your screwing up by breaking no contact, over and over and over again... It's gotten to a point where you're not longer the logical guy who had a moment or two of weakness during the post break up. You're habitually contacting this girl and getting shot down each and every time yet continue to hope for different results. Hypothetically even if she broke up with this guy tomorrow, she's never going to get back together with you because girls don't date guys who they don't respect or admire in some way. Your sobbing to her, and questions like "does he make you happy?" Just add more bolts to the already locked door that you're trying to pry open and get her back.

 

The hard truth? You can't make someone have feelings for you when they aren't there anymore. Does that mean she never loved you? Of course not. But it ran its course. That's what happens. When she started asking you "do you feel like you're missing out by dating just one person all this time?" ... That was her checking out of your relationship. You both were in college and in your 20s. She's attracted and interested in other guys. If she felt about you, the same way you feel about her, then she'd still be with you.

 

Contacting her is the ABSOLUTE best way to ensure you NEVER get her back. If you actually do want to get her back, the first thing you need to do is come to terms with the fact that odds are she's never coming back. It sucks. You'll have to pretend and fake it for a while. Go out, post pictures with other girls, socializing, until she starts fading from your daily thoughts. Eventually the facade of happiness and moving on will become real and the most attractive thing you can do is to show her that you're able to be happy and enjoying life independently. The only way she'll come back is if she calls you up and says "I made a mistake, I miss you"... And you turn her down. That's when you'll have your respect back and realize that she screwed you over and she should be the one working to get you back, not the other way around.

 

Lastly.. Having goals like "I'll try not to contact her for 30 days" isn't what Nc means. It means NOO CONTACT. For good. No "happy birthdays", no "how's your mom and dad?", no "congrats on the new job". Nothing .

[Sar112]

Really sorry to hear about your situation and how you're struggling Having been in a similar situation myself recently, and I feel like there is only one thing I can tell you that will be helpful here...

 

Carry on doing what you are doing with working on yourself, but FORGET the 30 days NC. Just look at it as permanent NC. I had been so focussed on making it to 30 days thinking that maybe after that something 'magical' would happen and he would turn around having changed his mind - but it just isn't going to happen. And of course - stop looking at her social media - delete/unfollow any mutual friends etc...

 

As far as I am aware my ex hasn't met anyone new yet, though he doesn't use any form of social media (luckily for me), so it would be difficult to know if he had anyway. The thing is - it may well be a simple rebound, it may not. If your ex ever gets to a point where she misses you and wants you back though, SHE will be in touch. She won't leave it down to you. It may be that she will want you to read in between the lines if she does get in touch, but she certainly won't wait around for you to contact her.

 

It sucks, it hurts so much to know that someone who you are so accustomed to having care about you can no longer find it in them to even check in to see if you're ok. But you need to focus on how that is just another reason to do your best to move on and forget about her (easier said than done and I am still seriously struggling with this). Likelihood is that one day further down the line (and this could be months/years) she will be in touch again and if/when that time comes you want to be looking good, feeling good and have your confidence at an all time high.

[bunk]

Hmm well yeah I should elaborate that really my outlook on the 30 days NC is like a sobriety type goal. And since before I didn't think about it as "x days down y to go," I think handling it that way this time will help. Her birthday is coming up in like 3 weeks and I'm not even going to try to talk to her.

 

Again, I do presently want her back, but I'm well aware that that's not the point of NC, and that I cannot make her even miss anything about me.

[Qboro90]

Hmm well yeah I should elaborate that really my outlook on the 30 days NC is like a sobriety type goal. And since before I didn't think about it as "x days down y to go," I think handling it that way this time will help. Her birthday is coming up in like 3 weeks and I'm not even going to try to talk to her.

 

Again, I do presently want her back, but I'm well aware that that's not the point of NC, and that I cannot make her even miss anything about me.

 

Let's say she became single tomorrow and you ended up back together. Personally I would despise having to look at someone who dumped me, slept with some other dude for a couple months, kept me on the back burner, then picked me up when she got bored and wanted the comfortable routine she was used to back.

[anonymousbear00101100]

This might be strange, but I have a sneaking suspicion you and I would get along quite well. We have a similar writing style and I can tell you do the same type of poking fun at your own pain. Also nice movie reference!

 

My ex and I dated for about three years, and this year we went off to different colleges for the first time. I thought our love for each other was so strong that blah blah blah... Anyways we break up. I realized that she had been dropping subtle hints that she was unhappy the week before, but I didn't really pick up on them.

 

I begged and pleaded and cried and told her I would do anything, but nothing would make her stay. Literally the day after we broke up she was hanging/making out with some new guy while I was sitting around trying to put all the pieces of our relationship back together. They hung out every night until curfew (haha college with a curfew) and she wouldn't text me back until after they were done. I spent the worst days of my life sitting around my phone, unable to eat, sleep, or just generally function, waiting for her texts that rarely came. It was pathetic.

 

She told me that he was really sweet and that he and I "Could have been great friends under different circumstances!" Oh how thoughtful of you! It also doesn't help that this guy seems to be a good 5 inches shorter than me and a lot heavier. It's not that I'm insecure about my looks now, but it made me feel like she rejected my personality.

 

We met met up over Thanksgiving Break (week 3 post break up) and I cried and told her I loved her and she said she was still done. I could see the hesitation and indecisiveness in her, which fueled my quest to get her back. I spent the next couple of weeks writing what I thought would be the perfect letter to make her love me. I sent her the first half exactly one month after our breakup. It was an apology for some of the things I'd done after we broke up and an update on how I was doing great. I was hoping she would update me on her life, then I could hit her with the whole "I still am willing to try" schtick.

 

She never replied.

 

That was four weeks ago. I haven't messaged her or looked at any of her social media accounts since. I actually had the urge to about an hour ago, but I came on here instead! (Number one pro tip for avoiding contact is to respond to other people on LS)

 

The point is, I was in the exact same spot at about a month. You are analyzing everything she said to you and everything she did (like gaining weight) after the break up. You're trying to figure out if she's happier without you.

 

She might be ****ing miserable right now. She might feel guilty and depressed and heartbroken. She might be comfort eating and binge drinking and rebounding to relieve the pain that she feels from the hole in her heart that you once filled.

 

But you know what? She hasn't reached out, which means either 1. She is indeed happier or 2. That even though it hurts, she knows it's the right move for both of you. I think number two is more likely. Being a dumper sucks too, especially when the other party doesn't see the problems and toxicity in the relationship. She's probably going through all of the same cycles of grief that you are, but she has already figured out that going back to the relationship will only delay the inevitable, which is something that took me a long time to learn, and that you have yet to figure out.

 

As for this other guy? I would bet he's just a rebound. Unless you missed her being totally mentally checked out of the relationship for MONTHS, she could not realistically move on that fast. Rebounds are usually with people that you for sure KNOW have a thing for you, which in both our cases seem to be who our exes went after. They might not even be somebody you'd date, but if they're nice and keep you company, flirting and being flirted with gets the mind off exes. Don't worry about him, he doesn't matter.

 

Continue no contact. You CAN do it. Sometime around the point you are I committed to NC after failing for so long, and only then did I really start to feel results. Trust me, there is nothing on her social media but pain for you. You're almost through the worst parts. It was week seven when I finally felt really happy without her and that I would never go back even if she begged. That doesn't mean I don't still miss her or that it isn't still hard, but I realize now that my future is not with her.

 

Just work on your body, your creativity, your intelligence, your spirituality (meditate! give your positive thoughts a chance to free themselves!), and anything else you can think of. Women love guys who are confident and competent. You might not be able to talk to other girls yet (I wasn't for a while), but once you start to feel like there isn't a harpoon going through your stomach, put yourself out there! Come to LS whenever you need help. It doesn't always have to be a post either. You'd be surprised at how much clarity comes out of just trying to help other people with similar issues.

 

I hope my long anecdotal response helped somewhat. I just know how hard it is and I hate to see someone else struggling with the exact same feelings that I was. Good luck OP and stay strong!

[GlobeTrotter9]

Maaate this is uncannily similiar to what happend to me. The time I was with my girlfriend, the cliché reasons for breaking up and how she acted afterwards!

 

I was with girlfriend for 3 years, things were going well (I thought but apparently not!) and then all of a sudden out of nowhere she starts acting funny for a week or so. I call her out on it and she comes straight out and says we should break up because we have nothing in common anymore, no mutual friends, I wasn't making enough of an effort the lot. I poured my heart out to this girl that night begging her not to end it and again a few days later but she was having none of it. She tells me just wants to be on her own for a while and see what happens. I'm a mess but I give her space.

 

Fast forward FIVE DAYS and I see her in town coming out of a bar with some guy she works with holding hands and looking coupely as hell! She didn't see me but it sent me into melt down mode - I was an absolute mess that night. Next day I text her asking to meet up because I want some questions answered , she agrees and we meet up. I ask her about how she's dealing with all thats happend and she pretty much says she's over me, happy with how things are now etc. I then asked her about the guy and cool as you like she says she's dating him now and its going really well. I loose my cool, we argue, I leave. I know this guy was making moves while we were still together, theres no way they could be that close after a week or two.

 

I felt like you do now about still wanting her back badly even though she's with somebody else. No matter how angry I was with her and everything that happend, I went through a period where if she came back I'd have gotten back in an instant. But one day I had a moment of clarity. If she really moved on or was having second thoughts about the relationship then she clearly wasn't the girl for me. I know its hard when they've been a massive part of your life for so long but you just have to power through and move on. Keep your dignity and just move on like she's doing. Theres nothing worse than being somebodies fall back plan if things don't work out. Thats what it sounds like she's doing mate, keeping you on the hook in case the grass isn't greener on the other side. If you keep convincing yourself that you'll get back together then you'll never move on.

 

My advice? Go NC, hit the gym, get socialising and just forget about her for a while. Its hard to accept that they're gone but unfortunately thats the reality. Like you said, you took a lot of good things from the relationship and thats great! Just use them for making you and another girl happy now. All the best lad

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, may I first compliment your writing style - though I understand you're in pain, you have a bit of knack for comedic turns of phrases! I have to file away "triumphant face plant" in my repertoire. Sincere praise.

 

Next, I hate to say that I don't think she's rebounding. I think this new boyfriend has been on the scene since well before you broke up and when she realized she had a chance with him, she broke it off with you. It sounds to me like you two were growing apart due to conflicting schedules, stress, and so on...and her attention was diverted elsewhere. It sucks, but that's what it looks like to me. I've been in a similar position as her, around that age too. It wasn't a rebound in my case either.

 

Having said that, continue on your path of No Contact. Your best bet to focus on closing that chapter and opening yourself up to new experiences.

[bunk]

Thanks everyone for he kind words. I've been seeking solace in my friends but they aren't always available, and should've come here sooner. Something happened at work today that got me all emotional inside and what I would normally do in such situations is call her to talk about it, just like she would to me. I didn't, thank god. Instead I texted a friend about it and everything worked out okay.

[bunk]

Just saw a picture of her with the guy on insta and WOW is he ugly... But hey, "love" is blind, right?

[ExpatInItaly]

Just saw a picture of her with the guy on insta and WOW is he ugly... But hey, "love" is blind, right?

 

Indeed. Why are you still looking at her IG, though?

[bunk]

Indeed. Why are you still looking at her IG, though?

 

Last night was the first in a loooong time... Something to do with an idle mind I suppose.