tsa902 Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Everything was fine before the breakup, we were very affectionate, and I honestly thought we would be together. Things started to go downhill when we started out first year of college. She made a knee-jerk reaction and dumped me. She regretted it at first and said she assured me to come back multiple times. So I remained contact for another 3 months. We'd talk about kids and stuff, names and we still kiss after the breakup. But I feel like my behavior post breakup ruined things. I did the following - Act desperate, which made me feel angry with the things she told me and I held it all in and leashed it on her - I was angry because she wouldn't text me (my insecurities) - I wanted to talk to her more - I wanted to fix things through logic, my emotions took over my mind and I ended up doing more damage - I treated her bad post breakup - Keep pushing an pulling and keep breaking NC I hate myself for doing that. After holding on for three months, i decided to go NC and I found out she has a new BF. Does co-dependency lead to a bad bf? I really generally think im a good, big hearted person, and very loyal. But I doubt myself whether I actually am a good guy or not. I do want to be with her. Its been a while now. Im listening to my mind over my heart now so i know im healing. It doesn't hurt as much anymore. I generally think that we had a great relationship and I have learnt a TON. Overall, I feel terrible about myself, i feel like im a bad bf though this. I go to the gym now and im getting in shape. When i feel good about myself, I think about her too and i feel like im doing it for her. Kind of hard to explain. .. I feel like a bad guy, and a bad bf because of my behavior. If she wanted to come abck to me now, if say no because of my shame. So yeah
MzLady Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Moving on is so hard.. it's definitely a journey that has a lot of ups and downs. I think when we love someone, our instinct is to fight for it... and we will do some pretty embarrassing things for it. It's the guy that can just walk away from someone he cares about that I worry about. Yeah, you may have tried a little too hard to preserve the relationship, but don't worry about it. What's important is that you recognize you need to move on and are taking steps to do so. You will feel better over time.. just focus on yourself and come on here for support when you need it.
artnoveau Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 (edited) I did the following - Act desperate, which made me feel angry with the things she told me and I held it all in and leashed it on her - I was angry because she wouldn't text me (my insecurities) - I wanted to talk to her more - I wanted to fix things through logic, my emotions took over my mind and I ended up doing more damage I have been with a borderliner and after he ended things with me I thought I was crazy. I mostly felt crazy for doing all the things you mentioned above. I acted crazy, when he rejected me out or no apparent reason or would avoid me, because he didn't feel like talking. He made me think I was too demanding communication wise. He made me think I was an emotional being without any rational thought and that I was totally losing it in inappropriate situations. After reading up on commitmentphobic I slowly started to learn that it wasn't my fault. That the amount of communication I wanted would have been fine. That I am the sort of person who without making a fuss accepts a "I don't feel like talking today, I'll get back to you tomorrow/after the weekend". But he kept blaming me when he had done something wrong, in order to justify his behavior. Because he really felt pressured (but would have done so in any serious relationship). And I started to believe it. If you demanded communication with at least twenty messages every day and if you expected an answer within five minutes to an hour - Yes, that is too much. But if you just wanted some basic communication, the fault lies with her. My ex would text me back about once a day in the end and sometimes not even answer to direct questions, which were the only kind of messages I expected an answer for. If you acted crazy, because she would hurt you, reject you, ignore you or treat you distant and unloving out of no apparent reason, then that is normal and the fault lies with her. She has been messing with your head. So maybe you are a bad boyfriend. In this case you can change. But in my experience, eventhough blame can not evenly put on both parties, there are two people keeping up such a situation. I myself noticed that I tend to go out with people who are non-commiting, because I have some issues myself. Maybe you do the same with codependent people. Because unless you really demanded constant texting, the fact that you blame yourself for something like this, shows that you entered that kind of dynamic. What I am trying to say is that quite possibly you are not a bad bf. (Maybe my exsamples will give you a chance to judge whether your behavior actually was abnormal and shameful.) Most likely you are just a person with problems, like most of us and you can and will behave differently in your next relationship, if you become aware of those tiny problems. I am hoping though that you won't take her back. Not because you are ashamed, but because this relationship has no future. You will keep hurting each other and yourselves. But there are perfect chances at finding someone else and being happy with her. Edited January 3, 2016 by artnoveau
LilMama1097 Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Your reactions were normal for being sometime who was dumped however the reason for NC is so toy don't make those mistakes of reacting. My honest advice is stick with no contact until you truly feel stronger, healed and in control of your emotions because 1. Any dumper will get scared off by someone accruing so emotionally unstable and 2. Your next encounter with her will leave you feeling like "the man" for holding it together and having her truly see the HAPPY, CONFIDENT man she is missing out on. Focus on healing yourself right now. Whatever relationship she's in right now is a rebound and 9/10 it never works out.
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