katiegrl Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 "Huh? Well, that's disappointing. I'll stick with my friends who are able to keep plans. When you figure out what you're doing, you're welcome to join us at the party." Neutral disappointment. You're reactionary. I'm not. Yeah I guess I am a bit reactionary ...when warranted of course. And I am rather proud of that too tbh ...as I used to hold everything in, always trying to be the "cool, understanding, non-chalant" chick....which ultimately sent men the wrong message and did not get me very far.. Once I learned to express myself honestly ...my relationship became much more balanced and healthy. To each his own though ....whatever works.
dobielover Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Yeah I guess I am a bit reactionary ...when warranted of course. And I am rather proud of that too tbh ...as I used to hold everything in, always trying to be the "cool, understanding, non-chalant" chick....which ultimately sent men the wrong message and did not get me very far.. Once I learned to express myself honestly ...my relationship became much more balanced and healthy. To each his own though ....whatever works. Again, you were TRYING to be the cool chick. I just AM the cool chick. I do express myself honestly. My emotions are not all tied up in the behavior of someone else. There's a world of difference, and likely why you don't understand me.
katiegrl Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 (edited) You confuse playing cool and actually just BEING cool. It's like the difference between playing hard to get and actually BEING hard to get. And no, men don't like reactionary women who call them out for every little misstep. ------ ***Go ahead and live a life completely uncensored, letting it all out there as you're feeling it, and life a live alone, as G has for most of her life. Thanks dobie ....until very recently (a six year relationship that I chose to end).... I have never lived my life alone ...and do not plan to live it alone for very long now either. And all my relationshios have been long term as well ...never had a guy dump me after one month, as your two recent ex's did. But carry on hun ...as I said you do what works for YOU. Hopefully, your next one will stick. Fingers crossed! Edited January 2, 2016 by katiegrl
Gaeta Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 You confuse playing cool and actually just BEING cool. It's like the difference between playing hard to get and actually BEING hard to get. And no, men don't like reactionary women who call them out for every little misstep. Go ahead and live a life completely uncensored, letting it all out there as you're feeling it, and life a live alone, as G has for most of her life. Your misinterpreting what we're talking about. I am a very patient woman and it takes a lot to offend me. I have lived my entire life surrounded by men. I only have brothers then 15 years on military basis. Believe me I don't get my panties in a twist for the stupid little male things they do but if I feel I am being taken for granted or disrespected I will point it.
dobielover Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Thanks dobie ....until very recently (a six year relationship that I chose to end).... I have never lived my life alone ...and do not plan to live it alone for very long now either. We're very different people with very different attitudes. And all my relationshios have been long term as well ...never had a guy dump me after one month, as your two recent ex's did. But carry on hun ...as I said you do what works for YOU. Hopefully, your next one will stick. Fingers crossed! What's the point of this? What a catty and petty thing to say. They weren't ex's. We weren't even exclusive. A handful of dates each. And yeah, I'm secure enough in myself to be perfectly happy single and alone, not need a man. I don't care if the next one 'sticks'!
carhill Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Another aspect men generally must be aware of is how their behavior is perceived in situations where they feel disrespected because, well, we're built to kill. How we convey our emotions with regard to being disrespected is critical so as not to appear threatening. This can be tone of voice, gaze, body language, movement, on and on. Of course, this doesn't apply to disconnected interactions like the aforementioned texting. I recall, back when my exW and I first met, before cell phones were common, she was a half-hour late to our first date. My response, since I did wait for her (bad habit back then) was 'You're late; please don't make it a habit. I ordered us some drinks' in a neutral voice. Funnily, years later, her sister would comment that, before meeting me, my exW was perennially late to everything. After we started dating and then later marrying, that lessened. I had a pretty good handle on that kind of stuff prior to therapy but more involved conflicts I had a problem with. That's how life goes sometimes. It's imperfect.
dobielover Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Your misinterpreting what we're talking about. I am a very patient woman and it takes a lot to offend me. I have lived my entire life surrounded by men. I only have brothers then 15 years on military basis. Believe me I don't get my panties in a twist for the stupid little male things they do but if I feel I am being taken for granted or disrespected I will point it. I understand you both, and have no desire to participate in these conversations anymore. ^That is neutral disappointment.
katiegrl Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Your misinterpreting what we're talking about. I am a very patient woman and it takes a lot to offend me. I have lived my entire life surrounded by men. I only have brothers then 15 years on military basis. Believe me I don't get my panties in a twist for the stupid little male things they do but if I feel I am being taken for granted or disrespected I will point it. Exactly, which is what I meant when I said I am reactionary.... when warranted! I don't get panties in a twist over stupid shyt ....I know which battles to pick. 1
katiegrl Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 We're very different people with very different attitudes. What's the point of this? What a catty and petty thing to say. They weren't ex's. We weren't even exclusive. A handful of dates each. And yeah, I'm secure enough in myself to be perfectly happy single and alone, not need a man. I don't care if the next one 'sticks'! Lol, like your comment telling me I should plan to live my life alone wasn't catty and petty? Please. Don't wish to participate in this any longer either. Good luck!
Zapbasket Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 You confuse playing cool and actually just BEING cool. It's like the difference between playing hard to get and actually BEING hard to get. And no, men don't like reactionary women who call them out for every little misstep. Go ahead and live a life completely uncensored, letting it all out there as you're feeling it, and life a live alone, as G has for most of her life. But the funny thing is, here you are coming down awfully hard on Gaeta, and in so doing being quite reactive yourself. Perhaps you are missing the difference between speaking up when something bothers you or you disagree with something, and hurling insults to make your position known. The latter style certainly will alienate people; the former style, with the RIGHT people--i.e., people who respect you, care about you, are interested in you, and are able to handle uncomfortable truths about situations and themselves--is necessary to establish and nurture any real intimacy. 2
dobielover Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Lol, like your comment telling me I should plan to live my life alone wasn't catty and petty? Please. Don't wish to participate in this any longer either. Good luck! No, it wasn't. People who are reactionary and say exactly what's on their mind the moment they feel it aren't pleasant to be around. Those people should expect to live their lives alone.
Gaeta Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Go ahead and live a life completely uncensored, letting it all out there as you're feeling it, and life a live alone, as G has for most of her life. Oh I missed that. Is that G for me? I have lived most my life alone? really? lol I am 50, how old are you? I was married 15 years + 4 years that is 19 years of being in relationships then 11 years single but only started looking for a partner about 3,5 years ago because, well, there were more important things for me to build than a romantic relationship like a career, putting my daughter through Uni, building strong relationships with friends and family.
dobielover Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 But the funny thing is, here you are coming down awfully hard on Gaeta, and in so doing being quite reactive yourself. Perhaps you are missing the difference between speaking up when something bothers you or you disagree with something, and hurling insults to make your position known. The latter style certainly will alienate people; the former style, with the RIGHT people--i.e., people who respect you, care about you, are interested in you, and are able to handle uncomfortable truths about situations and themselves--is necessary to establish and nurture any real intimacy. Go to my thread that they're now dragging into this one, and perhaps you'll understand. Reactionary is an instant reaction. This is an ongoing thing.
dobielover Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Oh I missed that. Is that G for me? I have lived most my life alone? really? lol I am 50, how old are you? I was married 15 years + 4 years that is 19 years of being in relationships then 11 years single but only started looking for a partner about 3,5 years ago because, well, there were more important things for me to build than a romantic relationship like a career, putting my daughter through Uni, building strong relationships with friends and family. My apologies. From your other thread about your new BF's profile, I thought you'd intimated you'd been dating and single for forever and ever and ever and were tired of being alone. Perhaps you were being reactionary, too, in making those statements.
Zapbasket Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Go to my thread that they're now dragging into this one, and perhaps you'll understand. Reactionary is an instant reaction. This is an ongoing thing. Insulting people as a result of coping with conflict--whether right off the bat or after holding back--IS reactionary relative to the emotions you are feeling. The timing is irrelevant. 1
Gaeta Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 My apologies. From your other thread about your new BF's profile, I thought you'd intimated you'd been dating and single for forever and ever and ever and were tired of being alone. Perhaps you were being reactionary, too, in making those statements. You're a pleasant little thing aren't you lol And what did I do with my new BF profile? I addressed it right away. I was not unpleasant about it, I didn't blow up, I gave him my position, asked what was his and it was solved right away. That's what I am talking about when I say when something bothers me I address it right away. I would never be able to date a man for months and hold inside how much it bothers me he's still online. 2
carhill Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 One aspect MC covered really well was in validating the feelings of disrespect but also acknowledging that any choices made as a result are just that, choices. Hence, one trick I've found to work well is to, rather than stuff any feelings down, let them flow within and process them out, again within. Accept they're real and valid and OK and that I have choices regarding any resultant behaviors. That can vary from saying nothing to drawing my weapon. Interestingly, when I've felt myself in threat situations out the real world, I've found silence to be a very effective weapon. Why, I don't know. What I'm doing is following training and doing a threat assessment. I haven't dated much since splitting up with my exW so don't really have any useful experience to offer there but I do routinely deal with a few mentally ill folks who are mean and disrespectful to me and have found that silence seems to work well there to, both to diffuse the outbursts as well as to calm myself. Interesting stuff, perhaps an offshoot of that old saying about sometimes the winning move is not to play. 2
Amelie1980 Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 You're a pleasant little thing aren't you lol And what did I do with my new BF profile? I addressed it right away. I was not unpleasant about it, I didn't blow up, I gave him my position, asked what was his and it was solved right away. That's what I am talking about when I say when something bothers me I address it right away. I would never be able to date a man for months and hold inside how much it bothers me he's still online. I did the same once, calmly over dinner. I have cancelled my subscription, cancel yours or it's a deal breaker. Had he refused to cancel I meant what I said.. Simple. 1
Gaeta Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 My apologies. From your other thread about your new BF's profile, I thought you'd intimated you'd been dating and single for forever and ever and ever and were tired of being alone. Perhaps you were being reactionary, too, in making those statements. OH an by the way. You're upset we're dragging your thread into this one BUT you have no problem dragging my last thread on here... Ok !
William Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 I'm pretty sure this thread is about real world dating/relationship behaviors, hence let's discuss aspects of disrespectful dating/relationship behaviors and how they're handled. Content from other threads on LoveShack.org. can be discussed in those threads. Personal disagreements can be resolved using our private messaging system or ignore list. Thanks!
Maggie4 Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 When I see disrespectful behavior, I see a disrespectful person. It doesn't matter if the disrespect is directed at me or at his ex, his family, the waiter, or himself. Then I lose attraction for that person. I can't help it. And because I don't take it personally, that means it's impossible for the guy to fix it. If he cancels at the last minute or forgets, I think "he doesn't have his act together". If he is late to our meeting, I think "he is undisciplined and insensitive to others". Basically a person who disrespects others, does not hold himself to a high standard. Not a gentleman.
tuxedo cat Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 It depends. If it's something serious like verbally putting me down, I will address it with the person. I don't find the other things the OP mentioned to be disrespectful. If somebody isn't responding to my text instantaneously I assume the person is busy. The delay has nothing to do with me so there's nothing to address. When the text is truly important (e.g. I'm on my way to the Emergency room) everybody has always responded instantly. Everything else can wait. I think it's all about the specific patterns. If the person you're dating occasionally sends delayed responses, that's not a big deal. If he is rarely prompt in his responses and doesn't have an incredibly high-powered job, that would bother me. I've been texting with this surgery resident who responds within minutes even when he's in the OR. It's true that some people aren't big texters but if they sense that you appreciate promptness and refuse to deliver it, their interest is unlikely to be high. By prompt I mean like within two hours, but ideally less than that depending on the circumstances.
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