notinept Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Disrespect, it comes in many forms in dating relationships, whether it's flaking on a date at the last minute, inexplicably long delays in getting a simple response to a text, openly flirting with others in front of you ... etc. etc. My question is; How do YOU handle disrespect in your relationship(s) ? Do you typically 'just let it slide' ? Or do you usually and effectively put a stop to it at first sight ?
TheFinalWord Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Depends how long the relationship has been going on and what the disrespect is. If its a new dating relationship, I do not handle it at all, but just move on. If it is a dating relationship that has potential, it's good to first let the person know how you feel and see if you can resolve it. 2
JewelD Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 For serious relationships, I'm confrontational. If I see something I don't like, I say so. But in my experiences, it didn't make the person stop bc they were usually jerks anyway. For casual dating, I used to get really mad and be confrontational as well. That didn't work out since some people feel they don't owe you respect or explanations if you're not 'official'. So after that, I just started cutting people off at the first major infraction. This girl had been calling me a lot and almost begged for a date. A few hours before we were supposed to meet, she flaked with the explanation that someone had made her angry and she needed some 'time alone'. So I told her that unless somebody died, I was not interested in rescheduling. Maybe some people will see that as harsh, but 99% of the time, if someone's disrespecting you or making you feel like you're not a priority, it's because you're not and they'll continue that behavior for as long as you continue interacting with them. 2
SmartDude Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Have you ever seen a cat, twitching it's tail and ready to pounce? This is a good visulization of how I deal with disrespect.
11012015 Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 This girl had been calling me a lot and almost begged for a date. A few hours before we were supposed to meet, she flaked with the explanation that someone had made her angry and she needed some 'time alone'. So I told her that unless somebody died, I was not interested in rescheduling. Love this response! 1
Wewon Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Disrespect, it comes in many forms in dating relationships, whether it's flaking on a date at the last minute, inexplicably long delays in getting a simple response to a text, openly flirting with others in front of you ... etc. etc. My question is; How do YOU handle disrespect in your relationship(s) ? Do you typically 'just let it slide' ? Or do you usually and effectively put a stop to it at first sight ? Depending on the degree of disrespect and length of the relationship. In in the early stages of dating, when people are typically on their best behavior I fall to the old adage that interested people act interested. Meaning that when we're interested in someone we more prone to try too hard than being cavalier. We're more likely to apologize too much, show up too early, and assume that the other person will next us. I think that's human nature. When we're lukewarm, we tend to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt and expect the other person to do so as well. In short, in the early stages, disrespect is not tolerated because life is too short. For more established relationships its best to confront things pretty directly and get the back story. 3
d0nnivain Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 It depends. If it's something serious like verbally putting me down, I will address it with the person. I don't find the other things the OP mentioned to be disrespectful. If somebody isn't responding to my text instantaneously I assume the person is busy. The delay has nothing to do with me so there's nothing to address. When the text is truly important (e.g. I'm on my way to the Emergency room) everybody has always responded instantly. Everything else can wait. 2
Brapting Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 (edited) This is an interesting one. Obviously you want to avoid being an uptight 'kill joy'. I sometimes take things a bit too personally and I would hate to make a mountain out of a molehill, especially if it is a bit of light teasing (which can be an attempt at flirtation). I know that being able to laugh at yourself and not taking yourself too seriously are likable and affable character traits, so it might be unproductive to readily take people to task. Having said that, I am a firm believer in people expressing what they like and don't like. I am trying to assert myself a bit more so if I perceive someone to be acting with excessive disrespect, I now try to look at them and clearly say "I don't like it when you...[specific behavior]". No need for raised voices, or an aggressive tone. Just a statement, matter of fact like. I then listen to what they say afterwards (if they say anything at all). If they want to respect your feelings and alter their behavior then great! If not, then at least you have expressed and asserted your feelings and you know to steer clear of them in future. Edited January 2, 2016 by Brapting 1
carhill Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Post MC, my initial response is a neutral expression of disappointment. If pushback or attempts to negotiate my boundaries occurs, that escalates to unacceptable. Then, if they continue to ignore my boundaries, since they are women, I simply disengage and erase them. Pre MC, I gave far too much benefit of the doubt and was way too flexible and self-effacing. MC and divorce taught a lot. 3
MzLady Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 I just went through this very situation (see my post "Red Flags After 2 Weeks). Anywho... I dumped him. It was too early in the dating game to have so much stupidness thrown my way. If it's a once in a while thing... whatever, pick your battles. But when it's a regular thing, move on. Some may say talk about it, but this is such a strong personality thing and I have a motto: Don't get into a relationship thinking you're going to change someone. If you can't take them they way they are, then move on. I like what another poster said too.. that people who are interested, act interested. I think there's a lot of truth in that. 2
Brapting Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 (edited) Post MC, my initial response is a neutral expression of disappointment. If pushback or attempts to negotiate my boundaries occurs, that escalates to unacceptable. Then, if they continue to ignore my boundaries, since they are women, I simply disengage and erase them. Pre MC, I gave far too much benefit of the doubt and was way too flexible and self-effacing. MC and divorce taught a lot. I like this. I guess it all depends how certain and confident you are. Generally speaking (and I don't just mean with women) I sometimes worry that I am being to sensitive. I would hate to misinterpret something or pull someone up on something that wasn't really a big deal. Wouldn't you come across as pi$$y and avoidable? I would hate to bounce from convo to convo, person to person, pointing out the minasure of how they had disrespected me. Edited January 2, 2016 by Brapting
Zapbasket Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 I like this. I guess it all depends how certain and confident you are. Generally speaking (and I don't just mean with women) I sometimes worry that I am being to sensitive. I would hate to misinterpret something or pull someone up on something that wasn't really a big deal. Wouldn't you come across as pi$$y and avoidable? I would hate to bounce from convo to convo, person to person, pointing out the minasure of how they had disrespected me. Esp re: the bolded, I think it's great to be aware of where your insecurities are and to work to address them. BUT: I think it's a red flag when you're constantly wondering whether you're being "too sensitive" if something someone is doing repeatedly bothers you. Sure, you could need to shift your perspective, but how you feel is how you feel. Someone with you in mind will attempt to adjust his or her behavior when they see it bothers you, and the question of whether you're "over-sensitive" is moot. Some people are more sensitive than others. That's okay. It's good to be able to laugh at yourself, but only you can dictate what your parameters are on that. And whatever they are, there's no right or wrong. 1
carhill Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Personally, I don't care anymore. I have loved ones whom I respect and who respect me and the rest are, well, the rest. Neutral communication is the starting point. The rest is up to the other person. It goes how it goes. The process applies to all interactions but others away from dating get treatment applicable to those people and interactions. All associations of any sort are voluntary. If anyone is dissatisfied at any time, they are free to go.
dobielover Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Post MC, my initial response is a neutral expression of disappointment. If pushback or attempts to negotiate my boundaries occurs, that escalates to unacceptable. Then, if they continue to ignore my boundaries, since they are women, I simply disengage and erase them. Pre MC, I gave far too much benefit of the doubt and was way too flexible and self-effacing. MC and divorce taught a lot. That's precisely how I handle things. Great description.
carhill Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Oh, also, my responses here were to this text: "Disrespect, it comes in many forms in dating relationships, whether it's flaking on a date at the last minute, inexplicably long delays in getting a simple response to a text, openly flirting with others in front of you ... etc. etc." I don't text so that didn't figure into my response.
Brapting Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Esp re: the bolded, I think it's great to be aware of where your insecurities are and to work to address them. BUT: I think it's a red flag when you're constantly wondering whether you're being "too sensitive" if something someone is doing repeatedly bothers you. Sure, you could need to shift your perspective, but how you feel is how you feel. Someone with you in mind will attempt to adjust his or her behavior when they see it bothers you, and the question of whether you're "over-sensitive" is moot. Some people are more sensitive than others. That's okay. It's good to be able to laugh at yourself, but only you can dictate what your parameters are on that. And whatever they are, there's no right or wrong. Wow. I guess I never really thought of it like that. Definitely something to think about. Another worry is saying it calmly and emotionless-ly. I only really pull someone up if they have upset me...and by that point I am, well, upset. It is going to sound wet, but I really struggle to speak assertively and calmly in these instances. Perhaps it is something that takes practice. (Apologies, don't want to take over the thread)
katiegrl Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 (edited) That's precisely how I handle things. Great description. Not to beat a dead horse, but how is inviting him out with you and friends expressing "neutral disappointment"? Not getting that, but whatevs, carry on ..... For me, early on, I just next him. An established relationship? I initially pull back....and then later express disappointment or hurt, depending on how it was he disrespected me.... Edited January 2, 2016 by katiegrl 1
Gaeta Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 I am very bad at holding back. If something bothers me I have to spit it out right away. Sometimes it's not in the best moment but at least I don't live my life with stuff on my mind and on my heart. 1
carhill Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 at least I don't live my life with stuff on my mind and on my heart. Yeah, great description. I used to do that and it would eat me up and the responsible party went about their merry business unaware. Too much turning the other cheek. Good on you for getting it out there and working it. 1
dobielover Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Not to beat a dead horse, but how is inviting him out with you and friends expressing "neutral disappointment"? Not getting that, but whatevs, carry on ..... For me, early on, I just next him. An established relationship? I initially pull back....and then later express disappointment or hurt, depending on how it was he disrespected me.... "Huh? Well, that's disappointing. I'll stick with my friends who are able to keep plans. When you figure out what you're doing, you're welcome to join us at the party." Neutral disappointment. You're reactionary. I'm not. 1
dobielover Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Wow. I guess I never really thought of it like that. Definitely something to think about. Another worry is saying it calmly and emotionless-ly. I only really pull someone up if they have upset me...and by that point I am, well, upset. It is going to sound wet, but I really struggle to speak assertively and calmly in these instances. Perhaps it is something that takes practice. (Apologies, don't want to take over the thread) FWIW I'm usually only able to do this via text or email. It's more difficult to control my voice inflection when I'm annoyed.
Amelie1980 Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 I let it slide. Don't do that.....it doesn't work. They get worse. But tbh if you have to tell someone their behavior is disrespectful then what's the point. Unless they are a total dumbass, they cant not know they are neing disrespectful. 1
katiegrl Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 I am very bad at holding back. If something bothers me I have to spit it out right away. Sometimes it's not in the best moment but at least I don't live my life with stuff on my mind and on my heart. Contrary to popular belief .... many (most) men will respect you for that ....and in fact respond positively to that too!! Men KNOW when they have behaved badly and disrespectfully.... and almost expect to be called out for it....and when they're not .....they wonder how honest she is about her feelings ...and/or will see her as a doormat who does not respect herself ..... I learned this early on in my relationship with my recent ex. He stood me up once early on .....and I let it go, thinking he would think I was this *cool* non-reactionary chick ...thus, drawing him closer. Not! He admitted later to wondering why the hell I wasn't furious with him....as I certainly had a right to be .....and he knew it! That taught me an important lesson.....do not play games and hide your feelings! Don't try and be *cool* for fear of rocking the boat ....or coming across like you don't care. Most men see through that shyt and will lose respect. Gaeta, I think in my next relationship, I may try it your way. I sort of do now, but I still hold back some. What a great feeling to not be afraid to let it all out ...uncensored. At least he will know where he stands, and you get to feel better too.....for not hiding your true feelings ...and getting it all out there! 3
carhill Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 FWIW I'm usually only able to do this via text or email. It's more difficult to control my voice inflection when I'm annoyed. That's a good point. I had a problem with that in the past and seem to have been able to overcome it through tactical firearms training, gaining the ability to consciously control aspects of the body to calm it in threat situations. The same processes appear to help in non-threat situations. I view it as a conscious rewriting of psychological imprinting. Some people have no issues at all. Some of us dealt with stuff in the past which imprinted our psychologies in certain ways and need further training or therapy to get the process healthy. For me, MC and firearms training helped a lot. For someone else, it might come naturally. We're all different. 1
dobielover Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Contrary to popular belief .... many (most) men will respect you for that ....and in fact respond positively to that too!! Men KNOW when they have behaved badly and disrespectfully.... and almost expect to be called out for it....and when they're not .....they wonder how honest she is about her feelings ...and/or will see her as a doormat who does not respect herself ..... I learned this early on in my relationship with my recent ex. He stood me up once early on .....and I let it go, thinking he would think I was this *cool* non-reactionary chick ...thus, drawing him closer. Not! He admitted later to wondering why the hell I wasn't furious with him....as I certainly had a right to be .....and he knew it! That taught me an important lesson.....do not play games and hide your feelings! Don't try and be *cool* for fear of rocking the boat ....or coming across like you don't care. Most men see through that shyt and will lose respect. Gaeta, I think in my next relationship, I may try it your way. I sort of do now, but I still hold back some. What a great feeling to not be afraid to let it all out ...uncensored. At least he will know where he stands, and you get to feel better too.....for not hiding your true feelings ...and getting it all out there! You confuse playing cool and actually just BEING cool. It's like the difference between playing hard to get and actually BEING hard to get. And no, men don't like reactionary women who call them out for every little misstep. Go ahead and live a life completely uncensored, letting it all out there as you're feeling it, and life a live alone, as G has for most of her life.
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