delineum Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 You find this really great person, have a lot of similar interests and personality traits, then you find out she's really religious and has to live by those rules and if you don't you're going to hell or something. What to do? What's been your experience, can things work out or people change? Do we just have to draw the line somewhere?
bathtub-row Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Run. Don't walk. Run! I don't care how great this person is or seems to be, this situation is not workable if the two of you aren't on the same page. I'm not at all religious and couldn't bear to be with anyone who is. This is an absolute deal breaker for me. 2
basil67 Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 You find this really great person, have a lot of similar interests and personality traits, then you find out she's really religious and has to live by those rules and if you don't you're going to hell or something. What to do? What's been your experience, can things work out or people change? Do we just have to draw the line somewhere? My experience has been that if both parties are accepting of each other's beliefs it can work out. But if one tells the other that they will go to hell, then it's gonna fail. That aside, I have trouble having the phrases "great person" and "you'll go to hell" in the same sentence. Great people aren't judgemental. 2
Author delineum Posted January 2, 2016 Author Posted January 2, 2016 That aside, I have trouble having the phrases "great person" and "you'll go to hell" in the same sentence. Great people aren't judgemental. I'm exaggerating, but you know what I mean. For instance, some religions abstain from alcohol, sex, certain foods or venues, try to guilt members into believing certain things, hell people have killed themselves over things like gay acceptance. A lot of people don't realize that their preacher's moralities might actually be harmful or obstructive to people.
TheFinalWord Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 You find this really great person, have a lot of similar interests and personality traits, then you find out she's really religious and has to live by those rules and if you don't you're going to hell or something. What to do? What's been your experience, can things work out or people change? Do we just have to draw the line somewhere? Golden rule, treat others how you want to be treated. How do you want to handle your lack of religion? You could get to learn more about her religion and show respect for it, take an interest in it, while letting her know you do not believe that way; or you can move on. Her likelihood to change is about the same as yours. I think go into a dating relationship expecting the other person is not going to change.
eyeam Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 i was in a relationship with a Catholic girl for a year. I'm not religious, however i was respectful of her beliefs, we abstained from full-sex (which was v/hard) I also went to church with her most Sundays. I wanted to marry her. However, she ended up having a problem with my beliefs and her religious friends/priests were always trying to break us apart. because I'm non religious - it was horrible... eventually she left me heartbroken. So from my experience: no! run the other way - trust me
Fuerza Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 I think it can work, if both parties are respectful of each other and don't let what other people say get in the way of you 2. But I'd say it only works with people that aren't super religious and are a bit flexible if you get what I mean. On the other hand if she's super religious, she will always look down on you because you're not following the rules of her religion. She'll probably try to convert you as well because she thinks her religion is the way to go in life. You have to think long term too, kids and stuff. How do you want to raise your children etc.
central Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 I'd be wary. Even if she can accept you as you are, her own rules may limit her behaviors in ways you find unacceptable. And if you do something that she finds unacceptable under her religious rules, even if she says nothing her behavior towards you may be judgmental or she may withhold love, affection, and sex. Essentially, if you're not on the same page, she may subconsciously treat you as unworthy or even punish your lack of faith in subtle ways by holding back. So, unless you are confident this is not the case and can openly discuss religion and your different views, and have it not create such negative behaviors, I'd move on now. And quickly.
eyeam Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 I'd be wary. Even if she can accept you as you are, her own rules may limit her behaviors in ways you find unacceptable. And if you do something that she finds unacceptable under her religious rules, even if she says nothing her behavior towards you may be judgmental or she may withhold love, affection, and sex. Essentially, if you're not on the same page, she may subconsciously treat you as unworthy or even punish your lack of faith in subtle ways by holding back. So, unless you are confident this is not the case and can openly discuss religion and your different views, and have it not create such negative behaviors, I'd move on now. And quickly. This: exactly this
LookAtThisPOst Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 You find this really great person, have a lot of similar interests and personality traits, then you find out she's really religious and has to live by those rules and if you don't you're going to hell or something. What to do? What's been your experience, can things work out or people change? Do we just have to draw the line somewhere? Man, I know of Christian women that have no problem getting involved with men that haven't set foot in a church since they were 10 years old. lol It kind of ticks off the other available men in her church's singles groups when they find out though...esp. if she met him at a nightclub or something. I know of some Christian men that will even attempt to date an atheist if they are attracted to them enough. I knew of an atheist that had to reject insistent men that would try to talk her into dating them.
JamesM Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Run. Don't walk. Run! I don't care how great this person is or seems to be, this situation is not workable if the two of you aren't on the same page. /QUOTE] Having seen a number of divorces due to religious differences and from other major differences, I agree with this statement. Incompatibility can be in many different areas of life and if they are a problem when dating, then leave before you get too serious. It is not a matter of who is right or who is wrong. It is simply the fact that two people getting married will have enough issues to be resolved.
thecrucible Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 I agree with the above. It's too high a potential for conflict imo. For instance, what happens when children are in the mix? I dated a christian guy before and unfortunately we were poles apart about children due to differences in religion. He would want to raise children to believe in God and I wouldn't
newmoon Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 i think it can work, but the non-religious partner has to be 100% open to accepting the beliefs of the religious person, as i see it. the religious person won't be the one to 'come around' to accepting nothing, so you'd need to get on board and honor their beliefs/wishes and maybe even convert to them, if it gets to that level. many people are open to this and actually looking for someone spiritual to give them some direction/guidance in their own life, so it can work for some couples. imo one partner needs to have basicially no religious beliefs at all that would conflict w/the other
IronZ Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 As an atheist my stance has always been that I don't care what other people want to believe. It's never affected ME personally, but I've dated girls where for some reason it affects them. I never understood that logic. How does my belief (or lack thereof) make a difference in the other person's life? If I'm able to put my own lack of beliefs aside to make a relationship work, I would expect the same from them. If that's not the case then it's clear cut that it won't work out, and it's time to end it.
Jammer25 Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 As someone who does not believe in God, I've encountered this as a deal breaker all too often. If a potential partner can't accept your religious/spiritual beliefs, or at the very least compromise with you on your differences, a relationship will never work.
HereNorThere Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 (edited) I've successfully dated believers, but I don't think you could make it happen with someone who is super religious. You have to keep in mind that you are living in two alternate realities. It's easy to not discuss this during the honeymoon phase, but it will eventually be an issue that you can't ignore. From my personal experience most of the religious people in my life become more conservative after they had children and/or grew older. Do you really want to risk someone indoctrinating your child one day? Could you handle her being even more religious? Some religious people are pretty open minded and as long as you avoid defensive aguments and dissing each other's beliefs, you'll be okay. Some people are heavily into and it won't be long until you're judged, shamed, made to repent and put on lock down. You'll just have to see which type she is. And for the love of god that I don't believe in, don't discuss religion with her. Always change the subject when it comes up. One bad discussion could ruin the entire relationship. Edited January 3, 2016 by HereNorThere
lino Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 I'm an open minded person and tolerant of all faiths. I wouldn't let such a small thing get in the way.
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