Can I get her back?

[Fernando2826]

My ex and I were together for 6 incredibly intense months, to the point of her talking about wanting to spend her life with me. However, after starting university, she got caught up in the excitement of it all and ended up in bed with another guy, albeit saying nothing happened. I was heartbroken but still wanted her back, so resolved to go out with dignity and not quash any remaining attraction.

 

I didn't contact her over the next few months, although she made a few attempts to make small talk with me and check on how I was doing whenever anything reminded her of me. Eventually, I decided that, whilst I wanted her back in my life, seeing her on FB etc. on a daily basis was too tough, so I removed her. It also seemed as though she had moved on with the guy previously mentioned. She has since said that this wasn't the case.

 

She contacted me shortly after, saying how upsetting this had been for her, that she missed me and that she was feeling "lost". In order to make her jealous and inspire regret, I implied that I was seeing another girl. She responded with "I hope she makes you as happy as you made me". I responded with "We made each other unbeliebaly happy but I think it's best if we don't't talk for a bit." Again, I believed that she was just saying this because the replacement was going away to Europe and that she didn't really care for me anymore.

 

A few days later, she phoned me, and explained all that had happened. She did, however, say that she felt she had made the right decision to not continue the relationship long distance, although perhaps this was because of the things I had said a few days earlier. She also told me it felt as though she had been thrown on the rubbish heap. I told her that I acted in the way that I did because it was too hard seeing her move on, so surely that suggested I still cared?!

 

Almost 5 months after this, she randomly contacted me, after hearing of a road traffic accident I had been involved in, and asked to meet up. We went for a walk and chatted, reminisced etc. Again, I didn't hear from her for a good few months.

 

Then, during Summer, she asked to meet up again. She has heard that I had been davastated following the relationship and that I had suggested to someone the possibility that she might have a personality disoder (given the apparent complete loss of extremely strong emotion) apologised for all that had happened, said that she had continued to love me for a long time afterwards and that she hadn't felt the same way for anyone since. We had sex that evening and then messaged for a few days afterwards. She said that it has felt like old times, but called our meeting up "closure".

 

Over the rest of Summer break, she would message me on occasion and we would have prolonged conversations, with her doing most of the prompting. She did, however, say that she had been seeing someone else off and on (not the guy she left me for) and didn't want to get back into a relationship with me. She said that she had been seeing this guy for 5.5 months but that things had been going badly and they called it quites over Summer.

 

I suggested meeting up on a few occasions, although seem to have implied that this was simply for sex - a response to her stating she was not interested in a relationship but continuing to 'sext' me.

 

She is now in a relationship with the on off partner. We did, however, chat a month ago and she tol me that she still didn't feel for him what she had felt for me, and that she didn't trust him in the same way. We then ran into one another at Christmas. She seemed to be showing off around her friends etc. whenever she saw me nearby, as if she still cared about my response. We spoke briefly and all seemed well.

 

I find myself wondering whether, had I simply asked to meet up with her following her first messages, we might have had a second shot at things? I can't help but wonder if it was my response and apparent lack of interest that made her say "I think I made the right decision", considering the distance and my desire to focus on my course" - the original stated reasons for the breakup apparently.

 

I also wonder why she wanted to meet me in Summer, and why the meet-up led to sex if she was interested in someone else? Was it my fault that she didn't feel anything for me in the days following/that she wanted to explore things with this other guy? Or is it just because they had been seeing each other for 5.5 months.

 

Would love any advice.

[JewelD]

6 months isn't really a long time as far as relationships go. I think your chances with her ended when she cheated on you. You may have enjoyed the relationship, but it doesn't seem like she valued it.

 

Everything that happened after that point was her exploring other options and using you as a safety net. She probably feels some type of attraction towards you, but not enough to be with you.

 

I don't think you ruined anything by lying to her about a new girl. She probably knew it was a lie anyway. You didn't get mad at her for cheating, so she probably knows you want her back and she is fully aware of what she would need to do in order to make that happen. If she really wanted to.

 

In short, she's just toying with you. You shouldn't waste any more time on someone who is consistently choosing over people over you. Even if you got back together, would you really trust her not to leave you for someone else?

[Marco Valerio]

I agree too that she's playing with you. You are her safety blanket, she will use you as much as she needs it, but she will not commit to you (her feelings are not that strong towards you).

Kick her out of your life.

[D.r.e]

I seem to notice a trend with girls using the term "lost" to justify ****ty behavior. It's not her fault because she is "confused". She is a victim to her emotions, and she's convinced you that it's your fault.

 

Why did it lead to sex? Because girls like sex.

 

Look... if you want a relationship with someone, pick someone who wants the same and stable in what they want. I've dated a lot of "confused" girls and it always ends up with me getting my heart jerked around. They are great for physical relationships, but don't get involved emotionally because it won't work out well. If you are already emotionally involved, bail ASAP.

 

You can't make it work. If you get exclusive, the "confusion" will eventually come again and she will either cheat on you, or tell you that she "needs space"

[Fernando2826]

I seem to notice a trend with girls using the term "lost" to justify ****ty behavior. It's not her fault because she is "confused". She is a victim to her emotions, and she's convinced you that it's your fault.

 

Why did it lead to sex? Because girls like sex.

 

Look... if you want a relationship with someone, pick someone who wants the same and stable in what they want. I've dated a lot of "confused" girls and it always ends up with me getting my heart jerked around. They are great for physical relationships, but don't get involved emotionally because it won't work out well. If you are already emotionally involved, bail ASAP.

 

You can't make it work. If you get exclusive, the "confusion" will eventually come again and she will either cheat on you, or tell you that she "needs space"

 

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

Do you think the same goes for the guy she's with or is it a reflection upon me/how attractive I was to her/our compatability?

 

They're in a very stable environment now - shared group of friends at college, in the same city for at least the next 2 years etc - so it seems she is unlikely to cheat on him. Yet, she is seeing a therapist to discuss her concerns over her "need' for male attention and said she wasn't sure she wanted a relationship with anyone just a few months ago. Then in November, she said she couldn't trust the guy.

[Draper]

I've been in a similar situations and I made the same mistake that you made, in that you forgave her for cheating. You know, I can understand couples trying to work it out after cheating in a marriage or perhaps a very long-term relationship, but - if someone cheats on you in a matter of months, what possible reason justifies forgiveness?

 

I'm not saying you're stupid, as I did the exact same thing. Came back to bite, just like it did you. She's not worth the agony and she certainly isn't worth getting back. You're heart blinds you that fact, but do consider that if someone couldn't be loyal to you for a matter of months, what's going to happen in the coming years/decades?

[Fernando2826]

I've been in a similar situations and I made the same mistake that you made, in that you forgave her for cheating. You know, I can understand couples trying to work it out after cheating in a marriage or perhaps a very long-term relationship, but - if someone cheats on you in a matter of months, what possible reason justifies forgiveness?

 

I'm not saying you're stupid, as I did the exact same thing. Came back to bite, just like it did you. She's not worth the agony and she certainly isn't worth getting back. You're heart blinds you that fact, but do consider that if someone couldn't be loyal to you for a matter of months, what's going to happen in the coming years/decades?

 

 

Hey bro, thanks Do you think there is anything I could have done to get her back? I was expecting the breakup when I went to visit her at uni so looked up the PUA approach to dealing with such - they said interested detachment, which is why I didn't show my anger at the time. The personality disorder thing clearly won't have helped a reunion but she did say that she understood why I thought that.

 

Do you think that it is a reflection upon her or me? Both? And do you think it's likely she'll do it again in the future? She did cheat on her ex before me, after 2 years together. There's a chance that she didn't actually sleep with anyone else whilst with me, although certainly behaved badly. In terms of wanting her back, it just makes me wonder whether now that she is seeing a therapist, is a bit older etc. perhaps infidelity won't be an issue/won't be with the right person?

[Draper]

Hey bro, thanks Do you think there is anything I could have done to get her back? I was expecting the breakup when I went to visit her at uni so looked up the PUA approach to dealing with such - they said interested detachment, which is why I didn't show my anger at the time. The personality disorder thing clearly won't have helped a reunion but she did say that she understood why I thought that.

 

Do you think that it is a reflection upon her or me? Both? And do you think it's likely she'll do it again in the future? She did cheat on her ex before me, after 2 years together. There's a chance that she didn't actually sleep with anyone else whilst with me, although certainly behaved badly. In terms of wanting her back, it just makes me wonder whether now that she is seeing a therapist, is a bit older etc. perhaps infidelity won't be an issue/won't be with the right person?

 

No, I really don't think there is anything you could have done here. Her behaviour showed you that she didn't respect the relationship and at that point it's too far gone to be saved. It's not a reflection on you, not at all. She made the choice to enter the relationship, she chose to behave 'questionably', and she chose to leave. Those are all reflections on her, not you.

 

This is further evidenced by the fact that she cheated on her ex - she is a serial cheater, and people like that are likely to stay like that until they end up messing up their life enough to learn better. Nothing you can do. I can't say if she'll grow wiser on her own or with a therapist, but in all honesty it shouldn't matter because you know there are better people out there for you.

[Fernando2826]

No, I really don't think there is anything you could have done here. Her behaviour showed you that she didn't respect the relationship and at that point it's too far gone to be saved. It's not a reflection on you, not at all. She made the choice to enter the relationship, she chose to behave 'questionably', and she chose to leave. Those are all reflections on her, not you.

 

This is further evidenced by the fact that she cheated on her ex - she is a serial cheater, and people like that are likely to stay like that until they end up messing up their life enough to learn better. Nothing you can do. I can't say if she'll grow wiser on her own or with a therapist, but in all honesty it shouldn't matter because you know there are better people out there for you.

 

So you don't think there might have been a chance had it not been for the personality disorder suggestion, the fact that I told her I was seeing someone, my coming on perhaps too strongly when we met up etc.?

 

I just can't stop wondering "what if?". What if we had simply met up over Christmas last year, rather than me saying that we should avoid talking to one another for the foreseeable future and removing her from facebook. Eurgh.

[Draper]

So you don't think there might have been a chance had it not been for the personality disorder suggestion, the fact that I told her I was seeing someone, my coming on perhaps too strongly when we met up etc.?

 

I just can't stop wondering "what if?". What if we had simply met up over Christmas last year, rather than me saying that we should avoid talking to one another for the foreseeable future and removing her from facebook. Eurgh.

 

I mean sure, there's always a chance but personally I really think this relationship was beyond saving before any of that happened. You could have been done everything perfectly (although i don't buy into these step-by-step type 'guides') and it would still be done, not because of anything you did or didn't do but because of her and her ways.

 

You'll come to learn that asking the what ifs is such a useless exercise, because you never get answers and the odd time that you do they only lead to more what ifs. Most often, you just have to accept it for what it is and drive away the what ifs. This will take time, but it can be done. Eventually you'll come to see that it's far better in the long-run that this relationship ended now, as if this behaviour or leaving came further down the line it could have been much worse (kids, marriage, etc).

 

With all that being said, I've never been one to play games like pretending im seeing someone. I can see trying to keep your cool and act a bit reserved, but honestly if you have to put on some facade to get someone back than you probably don't want them back.