Heather4 Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 My name is Heather I'm 24 years old. I'll start out by saying I was in a five year relationship with a man who was perfect to me but I f***** it up because I cheated on him. I got with a guy I cheated on him with and we had a broken on and off relationship. Throughout this time I ended up living on my own for the first time I realize how badly I screwed up my first relationship and living alone has made me realize what I want. I've been living alone for 2 years now and ever since I started living alone I talk to multiple guys. I'd like to think I'm an attractive girl I don't think its my looks that deters guys but basically what happens is guys will talk to me and hit me up frequently and I'll pick out the guys that I think are the cutest and I will just focus on one talk to him and I'll want to build a relationship with him. I think I sleep with guys too soon but I don't know what else to do I live alone and I'm lonely and I need attention too I like to be upfront about my feelings and tell guys exactly what I want. I tell them that I am wanting something serious and I don't want to be messed around with I don't do this in a demanding way I think my tactic is very upfront and it doesn't come off as needy it just comes off as being honest which i think is a good thing. My relationships have only lasted for a couple of months at the longest but guys always talk to me and make me feel like the greatest thing ever only to start becoming a jerk to me or just start not talking to me as much and they slowly fade away these guys also have one thing in common they are also from out of town and I'm busy with full time school and full time work I'm also a single mom I know my schedule is hard to work around but I know that if the right guy wanted to be in my life he would work around it with me. I feel so undesirable and so ugly I'm also suffering from depression and anxiety living alone is very isolating so maybe sometimes I get 2 in need of attention. All I want is a family again. I'm hoping for any advice that I can get I just don't know what I'm doing wrong.
JewelD Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 You're not doing anything wrong, you're just a person trying to make it! You're not living completely alone if you have your kids right? I just live with my dog and it can be really depressing not having an S.O. or even another human being to connect with when I get home. Being alone can make you feel like you need someone when you really don't. I wanted to be in a relationship so bad that I was chasing after people who also live out of town and were not very compatible outside of their looks. I made it clear upfront what I wanted as well although sometimes that can deter people who don't want the same thing. You def shouldn't waste your time on people just looking for FWB, but don't set any expectations or requirements. Sometimes that can make people feel pressured and that it's 'all or nothing'. If they don't know you that well, they'll choose the latter. I'm on depo and I really don't have much of a sexual appetite, which is great because I'm not having any and probably won't until I'm in a new relationship. (ugh). But for you, you gotta fight those urges! Having sex too early can complicate things. I don't plan on having sex again until I'm in a relationship with someone I trust. If that's what you want, it might not be a bad idea to wait if it's a guy you want a future with. and maybe just have a FWB you trust until then. Do you have friends? Family? Hang out with them! Take yourself on a date, pick up a new hobby, read a book! I suggest "It's just a f**king date". It's a really great advice book by the authors of "He's just not that into you". Taught me a lot of great things, not just about dating, but about how to love being alone. One piece of advice that stuck with me was to celebrate the tiny victories. Instead of focusing on what went wrong during the day, focus on the positive and what went right. Like, today, I walked the dog, I brushed my teeth, I made my bed, I paid a bill, etc. Appreciate that you're doing something and you're moving forward in life. It's hard, but you can do this!
delineum Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 You choose the cutest guy out of all the ones you talk to? Why don't you choose the one you get along with best? Maybe don't be so easy too, date local, don't stress it, and get some counseling or family talk. Also taking care of yourself shows you know how to handle yourself. 5
basil67 Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 You choose the cutest guy out of all the ones you talk to? Why don't you choose the one you get along with best? Maybe don't be so easy too, date local, don't stress it, and get some counseling or family talk. Also taking care of yourself shows you know how to handle yourself. Exactly what I was thinking. Instead of choosing the cutest one, how about picking the one who is most compatible? Or the one who's nicest to you? 3
Gaeta Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 For the past 4 years that's what I did 'pick the cutest guy' of the bunch and tried to bond with him and I failed each and every time TILL this time I didn't pick the cutest, I picked the one that was the most serious about getting to know me, the one with a good head on his shoulder, that one that treated me like a lady. And this time it's working so far. Also, there is nothing wrong in living alone. I have been living alone for 11 years. I have never once felt lonely! Life is more than just having a man. Nurture your other relationships, build close bonds with your family and friends. Surround yourself with people that will be there for you always. 2
Versacehottie Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Well it sounds like you've pinpointed quite a few of your own problems. Change those things you pinpointed (sleeping together too soon, etc.). And sorry wanting to have a "family" is a lot of pressure to go into a new relationship with, especially if you are dating guys the same age as you. You've got to make that plan so far in the future regarding steps that must be achieved to "get there" (don't think of it as a factor of time but rather levels of the strength of the relationship). When you say you want attention and make reference to being lonely, I'm pretty sure somewhere along the way you are projecting desperation and that it's not about the guy but your needs to have someone fill a role. That's a bad recipe for a good relationship. The biggest thing I took from your post that you didn't touch on was that it seems like you need the external validation of having a guy and his attention. Find a way to have your validation internal. A guy cannot give you self-esteem that you need to provide to yourself. Good luck
Author Heather4 Posted January 2, 2016 Author Posted January 2, 2016 i guess for me I cant get excited unless we have good sexual chemistry. How am I supposed to date the nicest guy if Im not attracted to him?
Gaeta Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 i guess for me I cant get excited unless we have good sexual chemistry. How am I supposed to date the nicest guy if Im not attracted to him? Date the guy in the middle. * You have those who are red-hot and turn your blood but that's about it. * You have those you find interesting and attractive but feel you could do better. THAT is your cue that he has enough qualities for you and you're just being picky about a thing or 2 about his looks. That's the guy in the middle you should give more attention. * You have those who you are not attracted towards at all. 1
kgcolonel Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 I have confidence that there are guys out there that you are attracted to that also know how to treat a lady.....you're likely too fast on the trigger (no pun intended). Slow your pace and observe their behavior. Do they actually have interest in you....date them, share some things about yourself....next date, see if they actually remember the things you told them. i.e. you like white roses or you enjoy going to RomComs....see if they suggest the RomComs and bring you White Roses etc....build from small blocks to the full foundation. 1
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