LilMama1097 Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Fiance and I broke up 3 weeks ago. I went NC unless it had to do with our daughter. Every time I go NC, he Starts texting me like crazy, Always wanting to see me but wants to be "friends" and text and hang out all the time. I caved on my birthday dec. 30th. He got is an expensive hotel room, wine etc. We slept together, he held me all night while I slept. I woke up at one point and he had a HUGE smile on his face in his sleep. He still remains that he wants to be friends while we get our lives together but can't guarantee we will get back together. Before all this, I could barely get him to text me yet now he texts me all the time, is the first to text good morning. He stayed up until midnight to be the first to text me happy birthday. ......he acts so loving and wanting to be around me as much as possible. Even the way we made love i could feel how desperately he wanted to be close to me and was attentive, not wanting it to end. Now here I am with my ex of many years who I have a Daughter with wanting me with him all the time but won't commit. We broke up because I never worked and we ended up losing our house. He was PISSED about that. I now have a full time career and got my **** together. I'm so confused. I love him so much.......
artnoveau Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 (edited) This seems like a difficult situation. If the break up truly happend mainly due to the financial problems, there might be a chance in picking this up. But you say he can't commit. I have been with two guys who couldn't commit and were awful at texting me back or making me compliments or doing or saying anything loving to me. It has curbed my selfesteem considerably. So I would be careful with guys who won't and can't commit. If that is truly the problem they will fall back into the same behavior once they get you back and you will eventually be unhappy. So I'm wondering what exactly makes you think that he can't commit. And how much do you know about his past and how he has treated other women. I found that this is a pretty good predictor whether you can trust that guy. And of course your daughter is very important in this too. But she also needs a happy mother. So try to figure this out before he gets a chance to hurt you more and the situation gets more difficult. If you know for certain that he will go back to being evasive and non-commiting eventually, go back to NC. It will be so difficult, but at some point you will find a great guy who appreciates you and your daughter. Edited January 2, 2016 by artnoveau
Author LilMama1097 Posted January 2, 2016 Author Posted January 2, 2016 (edited) It truly was about finances and I'm sorry, I meant he won't commit AGAIN as in take me back right now : ( Edited January 2, 2016 by LilMama1097
artnoveau Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Ah. I'm sorry for missunderstanding. How long have you been seperated? And it seems like you have some power over him, as he seems to dislike the idea of being without you. I'm not much for playing games. Too much can go wrong. But there might be some chance in distancing yourself again. That was the situation he became so affectionate this time. When he tought you were completely gone. But you should also think about the reasons he doesn't want to get back together. With sharing a daughter a lot is at stake. (And of course the feeling of being in love with him is greatest when you thought you were broken up. But how much do you love him really? How much did you love him in the last six months of your relationship?)
Author LilMama1097 Posted January 2, 2016 Author Posted January 2, 2016 (edited) Yeah, I don't believe in playing games at all either. We've been broke up a little over 3 weeks. In that time I've gotten not just a job but an actual CAREER. Been focused 100% on financial stability and he sees it. I know he's scared I will end up losing my job and going back to the way things were but only time will prove him wrong. I think he wants to believe I've changed but he's scared that I haven't. He tells me all the time that he's not looking to meet anyone else. This is a little inappropriate but one night he text saying he wanted me and he needs p***y in his life (which is so unlike him to text about that) I told him if he didn't want mine he could find another one. He literally got PISSED at me saying that and didn't text back for hours. Then finally he text back and said "if I need it I will wait for you. I'm disgusted that you would insinuate me getting it somewhere else. I'm offended, you took it too far. Don't ever say **** like that again. " I honestly to this day don't understand why he got so mad. I understand if I had said "i" would get it somewhere else but I was joking for him too. It's stuff like that, that completely confuses me. Yet he doesn't want to be with me. .... Edited January 2, 2016 by LilMama1097
Author LilMama1097 Posted January 2, 2016 Author Posted January 2, 2016 I need an outside perspective. I need to know how to handle this. I want to go nc and move forward even though I love him but at the same time I feel like I shouldnt give up but, I don't know. I don't fkng know and being stuck in this position is killing me.
artnoveau Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 I feel conflicted about what to write you. I think just because he says he doesn't want you anymore, doesn't mean its true. And with three weeks gone and the reaction you described I think you have a pretty good chance of getting back together. On the other hand you might only see and tell me about the things that support this idea (like a confirmation bias). So I guess my advice is: don't give completely up on him, but don't make getting him back the priority. You have only been in your job for a couple of weeks and you are able to put a lot of effort into that because you have been broken up and maybe need distraction and a new direction in life. So put some effort into maintaining that and advancing. While you are doing that you can communicate that you are open to getting back together, but that you intend to keep working, because it makes you happy and full filled. (I hope it does.) And if he wants you back that is all he should need. So go with light encouragement, but don't fixated on it. He might love you, but he needs you to be the person you have become, in order to make this work. I don't know if this makes any sense, but I'm sure you'll be fine.
Author LilMama1097 Posted January 3, 2016 Author Posted January 3, 2016 Artnoveau, It makes me feel better that you're confused because it makes me feel less crazy for being confused myself. I've put the complete truth on here because I want honest opinions. In my heart, I feel he wants to be with me but is scared that I will disappoint him again. Whenever I try NC he blows me up. When I suggest he moves on even jokingly he gets so mag. He makes excuses to meet me at least 3-4 times a week on our lunches. He paid for a $200 hotel room for my birthday 3 days ago for my birthday. If I need gas, he's there. My truck overheated one day and he left work, drive 45 minutes and brought me coolant. I mean, he's always looking out for me still. He's caring but he has not once said he loves me, he misses me or he wants to get back together. He's always been the type to "show" his feelings rather than gush verbally about them. But sometimes when I text him, if it's not important he will go half a day before responding. It's so confusing and I'm a very intelligent woman and am usually good at reading others but with him I'm so lost. I want to give up and move on for my own sake if it's really over and I've told him that and he says he can't stop me but "it's only been 3 weeks and he can't believe I'm even thinking about that, that he's not thinking about that. " (Bang my head against a wall) uuuuugggghhhh
artnoveau Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 I am very rational too and good at reading people. I think we are drawn to the ones we can't read, so I feel with you here. But you probably are right about what you say. He seems like he wants you back, but I guess its too soon for him now. Why are you so eager to move on? Because its confusing and painful? Or are there other reasons? (And has anything like this happened before?)
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