seekingluck Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 Perhaps it shouldn't have any bearing on how she views her weight and body, but I'll bet it does considering her previous bfs have broken up with her for the same reason. Maybe she should find a guy who is also overweight and won't care about those matters. I'll tell you a secret: weight has no baring in what you find attractive in a partner. I am overweight, all of my partners have been very lean. I do not seem to attract fellow overweight people.
Jammer25 Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 I'll tell you a secret: weight has no baring in what you find attractive in a partner. I am overweight, all of my partners have been very lean. I do not seem to attract fellow overweight people. Personal experience does not provide legitimate reasoning for a sweeping argument, simply due to the representativeness heuristic. 1
seekingluck Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 Personal experience does not provide legitimate reasoning for a sweeping argument, simply due to the representativeness heuristic. The same is true of the original statement. There is no rule that says overweight people can only date other overweight people. It is not a valid argument t for anything in the OPs situation. Facts are he isn't longer attracted to his girlfriend. The girlfriend should be in a relationship with someone attracted to her. End of story. There is no setting her up with a type you assume might be attracted or any of that. Who is or will be attracted to her is irrelevant. But we all agree she deserves someone who cares about her as she us right now. And she controls her own decisions and opinions about her weight.
Jammer25 Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 There is no rule that says overweight people can only date other overweight people. Has nothing to do with making assumptions about types. "Weight has no baring on what you find attractive" is generalized and wholly biased. Your proceeding comments then assign meaning that was never there, only ascribed to my comments as you see fit for your own perspective. Who is or will be attracted to her is irrelevant. But we all agree she deserves someone who cares about her as she us right now. Actually these two sentences contradict each other. Who is attracted to her is relevant, since they need to be attracted to her (physically, emotionally or otherwise) to actually care about her. Considering the pattern of her exes leaving her due to her yo-yoing weight issues, it likely has more to do with her internal issues whether psychological, social or otherwise. You have to love yourself before someone else can truly love you in a relationship, and it sounds like the woman in the OP's situation does not at all.
Silver_star Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 OP, I think if you love your girlfriend, and you are not attracted to her because of her weight then you know what the right thing to do is. You need to discuss it with her. That is fair, regardless of how her feelings might get hurt in the discussion. The truth hurts, but adult relationships require grown up conversations. Besides the change in her appearance has affected your attraction to her and could affect your future together and that has hurt you in a way too. Its not like you chose that route. She may have a problem...maybe it's psychological that causes her to keep gaining weight back. Let her see that you want her to be happy and healthy. Healthy being the operative word. You have seen the way her family lives and that is not healthy...tell her you wish for a future where the two of you can do active things together. Get on a program together. Give her time to receive this information....and feel hurt about it, but then let her choose if she wants to make a change or not. Be warned that she may gain weight again if this has always been an issue, and if truly don't see a life with her if she is fluctuating between moderate and obese...then I think the best thing for both of you is to break off your relationship now.
stillafool Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 I'll tell you a secret: weight has no baring in what you find attractive in a partner. I am overweight, all of my partners have been very lean. I do not seem to attract fellow overweight people. I would agree if OP had started dating her when she was overweight. This woman loses weight to get a partner then gains it back once in a relationship and loses her partners. This has happened to her more than once. Maybe she should chose a bf while she is overweight instead of doing the bait and switch. You may be overweight, very attractive and your bfs want what they are getting. Maybe if you started losing weight to the point of being skinny they may feel you did a bait and switch as well and would no longer see you as attractive. I disagree with you that weight has no baring in what people find attractive in a partner. It seems to matter very much. 3
stillafool Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 I'll tell you a secret: weight has no baring in what you find attractive in a partner. I am overweight, all of my partners have been very lean. I do not seem to attract fellow overweight people. Are you attracted to overweight people?
seekingluck Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 I would agree if OP had started dating her when she was overweight. This woman loses weight to get a partner then gains it back once in a relationship and loses her partners. This has happened to her more than once. Maybe she should chose a bf while she is overweight instead of doing the bait and switch. You may be overweight, very attractive and your bfs want what they are getting. Maybe if you started losing weight to the point of being skinny they may feel you did a bait and switch as well and would no longer see you as attractive. I disagree with you that weight has no baring in what people find attractive in a partner. It seems to matter very much. Let mclarify, your weight has no bearing on what you find attractive. There is no universal law that says skinny people only like skinny people. And fat people only like fat people and fitness models only like fitness models. There is no relationship between your weight and what you find attractive. The OPs girlfriend mentioned weight was a problem for her, and sure enough after a few months it became a problem for him. As I mentioned along with a zillion other posters, if he can't look beyond her weight he should end it. He should not expect her to lose weight for him. She needs to do it for her on her own timetable. Whatever that may be. He has no reason to stick around if that doesn't work for him.
seekingluck Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 Are you attracted to overweight people? Depends on the guy. Their are higher things on my preference list. But I don't seem to "convert" overweight guys very often. They seem to not be interested in me. I have better luck with slimmer guys for whatever reason. So in my experience there are non-overweight guys who like overweight women. There is an underlying theme to this thread that overweight people do not "deserve" mom-overweight people.
Standard-Fare Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 OP - Sadly (and I'm sure you know this), having an honest, real conversation about this is tantamount to a breakup. There's no simple "bouncing back" from something like that, and yes, your GF's feelings will be hurt. But that doesn't mean the conversation shouldn't happen. This is a huge issue, and it's destroying your relationship. I would sit her down, be as tender and loving as possible (sit close to her - be physical, hold her hand, rub her back, etc.), but express something like: "There's no easy way to talk about this, but we have to. You said your last relationship ended over weight gain. Since I've known you, your weight has nearly doubled. That's something we can't dance around anymore. It's a big deal. Regardless of the damage this does to our relationship and our sex life - let's put that aside and look at the damage it does to you personally. On top of the risk of major health issues, I KNOW this is causing emotional pain and crippling your self-esteem. From my perspective it's watching someone hurt themself. It's like watching an addict. With an addict I'd ask them to get help, I'd encourage them to get to the root of it, and that's what I'm doing here with you. But I can't play the role of watchdog, or nag, or nutritionist or personal trainer. This is something I'm just not equipped to handle. It needs therapy, it needs hard long-term work mentally and physically, and all of that needs to be motivated from you personally, not me. I can't play the role of guiding or enforcing this." As you can see, this is basically a breakup. You'll get tears. To the tough questions, you need to be tender, but continually circle back to the addict comparison. Her: "Are you attracted to me?" You: "You're a beautiful woman, but watching you not treat yourself right does lessen my attraction. I would feel the same with a drug addict. And just like with an addict, I would feel our lifestyles aren't compatible." To accusations that you're a superficial pig: "This problem is so much more than appearance. It's an emotional problem with physical side effects. It would be the same as a coke addict LOSING 50 pounds." To wailing that "everyone just abandons me," you say: "I don't know exactly what went down with your last BF, but I think you can see a pattern developing. I don't want to 'abandon' you, but you need to take steps on your own to get help." And to the inevitable vows that she'll turn things around, eat healthy and exercise: "I've been with you long enough to see that this problem is bigger than that. This requires a major change in lifestyle and thinking that doesn't happen over a couple weeks. And I can't be the motivation for that." I would also emphasize how hard it is for you, that it's not something you WANT to do, but you find yourself forced into the position because the problem is bigger than the both of you. Good luck, man. 1
Winterina Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 More problematic than the fact that she gained so much weight is her pretending that nothing is happening and sweeping the issue under the rug. She already knows that there is a problem but her character is addictive and she hasn't got enough strength to do what she needs to do. You do not really need to tell her she got fat - she already knows that. How could she not?
mortensorchid Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 This is difficult to talk about. I was where she was once. I gained a lot of weight and was in denial about it. Oddly enough, a former bf of mine was a demanding, controlling OCD type who said if I did no loose weight and quit smoking it wasn't going to be a permanent set up. So I decided "I'll show YOU guy" and I lost weight and quit smoking. I had lost about 30 of the 40 lbs I would eventually loose and had quit for 6 weeks. He was furious with me because it took me too long to do it. This was just the tip of the iceberg as he turned emotionally and verbally abusive upon me. But that's a separate tale. What is happening here is something we all have to face. Get off the couch, stop eating like a 10 year old, and CHANGE. What is the motivation to do so? It could be pure vanity, not wanting to end up like her mother, it could be your feelings about her. Will she do it? I don't know. I can only hope she will.
Zapbasket Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 I was just talking about this thread with some of my office mates. The problem is that people are confusing a health and psychological issue on the gf's part with a matter of body-type preference on the OP's part. This isn't about preferring a thin versus an overweight person. The OP's girlfriend basically is wearing her psychological problems on her sleeve--well, sleeve, chin, stomach, legs, butt, wrists, ankles, back...you get the drift. Essentially to be with a person like this, you are an enabler. It's the only way to coexist peacefully with someone with this magnitude of psychological problems. Otherwise everything is a constant battle because she doesn't want to do anything to fix her problems. Being accepting of different body types does NOT mean having to accept people who have an unhealthy relationship with food and a body size that puts undue strain on joints, heart, etc. The person with these problems shouldn't accept herself, either because she is HARMING HERSELF. OP, get out. You can be kind, but this is a massive (pun intended, sorry) no-win for you if you stay out of a desire to try to support her or not hurt her feelings. Until SHE makes a concerted and major effort to address her issues, any support you try to offer will be met with a battle. 2
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