xxoo Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 It takes two to tango. I don't think that there were many objections from him when they got together. As a grown woman she can probably decide for herself whether she has issues, or if something is up with her. She doesn't need people to inform her. Claiming that an opinion is a generalize-able, objective truth and trying to dictate it to someone without them asking for it sounds pretty condescending to me. I like what you said about seeking people who are accepting of her current size and lifestyle. Perhaps this is what she sought with the OP...how would she know any different unless the OP was upfront about his views from the start? To clarify, I don't think he should claim any opinion but his own. It's not objective truth; it's his truth. No sugar coating. This is the second time she's created this situation and she needs to see the pattern to stop repeating it.
11012015 Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 The only truth here is that he found her behaviors unattractive. That is not to say that the behavior is objectively unattractive, only that he (one guy out of billions) holds a particular view on the matter. The 'lessons' that she takes from this are only applicable to him and her relationship with him at this point in time. His lack of acceptance is his opinion and therefore his problem. Really it should have no bearing on how she views her weight and body. If she wants to get slim to feel better about herself, great. If she does not prioritize her body weight/size and is happy with how she is, also great. You can post it 100 times, saying it is his problem, but it is not his problem. Not even a bit. This is not a slight weight gain, this is doubling your weight! Any guy, not just him, would have had (and would have) the same reaction. Ask 100 guys, I can guarantee at least 99 of them would say the same thing. If you don't believe that, try to change the scenario and imagine if it was the guy doubling the weight and not caring, while the hot sexy girl stays the same. 1
Brapting Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 You can post it 100 times, saying it is his problem, but it is not his problem. Not even a bit. This is not a slight weight gain, this is doubling your weight! Any guy, not just him, would have had (and would have) the same reaction. Ask 100 guys, I can guarantee at least 99 of them would say the same thing. If you don't believe that, try to change the scenario and imagine if it was the guy doubling the weight and not caring, while the hot sexy girl stays the same. Who says that gaining weight (or not prioritizing you weight) is not hot and sexy? More to the point, who says that physical attributes defines a persons appeal? Again this veers into the realms of subjective opinion. There are plenty of fat women with thin men and plenty of fat men with thin women. It ain't like there is some cosmic ranking system or rule where all fat people must only date other fat people.
seekingluck Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 You can post it 100 times, saying it is his problem, but it is not his problem. Not even a bit. This is not a slight weight gain, this is doubling your weight! Any guy, not just him, would have had (and would have) the same reaction. Ask 100 guys, I can guarantee at least 99 of them would say the same thing. If you don't believe that, try to change the scenario and imagine if it was the guy doubling the weight and not caring, while the hot sexy girl stays the same. It doesn't matter what "most" men think. This is between the OP and his girlfriend. If it isn't working for him he needs to end it. I'd doesn't matter if a poll says other men would have a similar reaction. The only reaction that matters is the one for the people in the relationship. There is also no rule about who can and cannot be attracted to people of any weight. Here gaining weight doesn't mean that all future partners will look or be of a certain weight. 1
Brapting Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Who says that gaining weight (or not prioritizing you weight) is not hot and sexy? More to the point, who says that physical attributes defines a persons appeal? Again this veers into the realms of subjective opinion. There are plenty of fat women with thin men and plenty of fat men with thin women. It ain't like there is some cosmic ranking system or rule where all fat people must only date other fat people. Personally, I might have an issue with it. But a massive factor would be what she was like, the experiences that we shared and my emotional connection to her. I certainly wouldn't deny that it was my issue and blame her for how I felt and I would do everything possible to communicate this 'truth' to her. I also wouldn't try and justify my viewpoint by claiming that I had some mystical insight into the male brain and that every other guy in the world thinks and feels like me and shares my opinion, because this is just misguided and inaccurate.
BC1980 Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Coming from someone who has dealt with an eating disorder, you can't help her. It's a psychological issue, and you aren't responsible for "fixing" it or staying with her. I would say the same thing if she were an alcoholic or abused drugs. She has some kind of eating disorder and an unhealthy relationship with food. She is not in a place to be in a healthy relationship right now. These issues can be managed with therapy and the right information, but you have to really want it for yourself. You have to really dig deep to find the root of the problem, and, from what I am seeing, she doesn't WANT to help herself at this point. She may not completely understand the gravity of her problem. If I were you, I would not stay with her. And this is coming from a person who has dealt with and is currently managing an eating disorder. It's for life. You have an eating disorder for life the same way you have any addiction for life. It just is what it is, and you have to accept it. You can still live a wonderfully full life, but it will be a life where you are in recovery everyday. She is not currently in a place where she is managing her eating disorder, so she is not in a place to be in a relationship with anyone. I would be very gentle but tell her that you feel she needs help if you end it. She needs something to wake her up to reality, but this is a battle she can't fight with you. One day, she might find a better match in someone else who can understand her better. Unless you have been through this yourself, you can't understand it. 1
11012015 Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Who says that gaining weight (or not prioritizing you weight) is not hot and sexy? More to the point, who says that physical attributes defines a persons appeal? Again this veers into the realms of subjective opinion. There are plenty of fat women with thin men and plenty of fat men with thin women. It ain't like there is some cosmic ranking system or rule where all fat people must only date other fat people. Again. There is a difference between gaining weight and doubling your weight. Big difference. And the point was the latter situation isn't acceptable by anyone (men or women) and that makes it objective, not subjective - and not his problem. Period.
Samhain Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 A lot of wayward women on here include in their justifications that their husband/partner has "put on weight and I'm not attracted to him any longer". It's not a gender specific issue. I agree she has psychological problems and the OP has tried to the best of his ability to change her diet and help her on a health basis. Unless you're with somebody you are very much in love with, superficial things like this will be an issue, and it would be an issue for the strongest couple in the world when she refuses to get help, receive help, help herself or consider how he is feeling. She'd do better without him so it seems, and likewise for the OP.
sambolini Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 You don't want to unleash it on her..... so you're just going to bottle it up and be miserable? Sounds like this has been going on for a while. You should have nipped this in the bud some time ago. Instead, you stayed with her, were a pushover, and enabled it. Or you've been silent which is even worse. Now its going to be even more unpleasant to confront her on the matter. Stop trying so hard to be a nice guy and stick up for yourself. This right here. You are not attracted to obesity. You have that right. End the relationship and find a woman to whom you are physically attracted. If she lost one relationship already because she got fat, and then does it again, then I have zero sympathy for her. The idea that men have to continue loving the woman they're with in spite of the fact they become fat and unhealthy is completely absurd.
seekingluck Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 This right here. You are not attracted to obesity. You have that right. End the relationship and find a woman to whom you are physically attracted. If she lost one relationship already because she got fat, and then does it again, then I have zero sympathy for her. The idea that men have to continue loving the woman they're with in spite of the fact they become fat and unhealthy is completely absurd. No one has said that at all. It is on the OP to seek and find his own relationship happiness. But it is not her fault he is unhappy. He knows what he is attracted to, he say the signs, it is up to him to pursue his own happiness. She is not going to change because he wants her to.
Brapting Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Again. There is a difference between gaining weight and doubling your weight. Big difference. And the point was the latter situation isn't acceptable by anyone (men or women) and that makes it objective, not subjective - and not his problem. Period. Maybe some do base their judgements on what they think other people may or may not find acceptable...although I was kind of hoping that the OP and the woman in question weren't like that.
newmoon Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 she probably has something else wrong with her life that you're oblivious to. it's best you leave b/c whatever she has, something tells me you won't be a sympathetic partner. 2
IronZ Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 While this is undoubtedly a big issue within her, it doesn't sound like you've done anything to fix this for her. And guess what? You can't fix it for her. It's something she needs to do for herself. What you have to do is focus on you. It doesn't seem like you really like her anymore. You're clearly disgusted by her. So why stay in the relationship? Do both of you a favor and leave. Hey, maybe it'll be the kick in the pants she needs to start focusing on her own issues.
Jammer25 Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 If she's done this in previous relationships and is doing it again, it's not something that will be "fixed" easily. This whole "love your body" movement has a fundamental misunderstanding that preference = discrimination. Honestly, at this point OP's efforts to help her become healthier have been for naught. It's not about sympathy. If anything, the OP's girlfriend is self-sabotaging with her eating habits and being closed off. 1
seekingluck Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 (edited) This whole "love your body" movement has a fundamental misunderstanding that preference = discrimination. Relationship preferences are different than how you are treated at work, at the doctors office and in broader society. No one is saying that people have to date people they aren't attracted to. But you don't have to dehumanize people because you are not attracted. Edited January 3, 2016 by seekingluck 2
Jammer25 Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Relationship preferences are different than how you are treated at work, at the doctors office and in broader society. No one is saying that people have to date people they aren't attracted to. But you don't have to dehumanize people because you are not attracted. "I'm not physically attracted to you because you are overweight." Would that be an agreeable way to say it? Or are we going to take this the PC route? This is assuming a direct, clear answer with reasoning is necessitated. 1
Brapting Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Would that be an agreeable way to say it? Or are we going to take this the PC route? ...yeah, because everyone is so PC these days...and what about all these new health and safety laws? And what about the bloody EU? *yawn* I often find that anti-PC people are just will-fully insensitive and disrespectful...using a distate for political correctness as an excuse to justify their own ignorance.
carhill Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 An agreeable way to say it would be "I don't find you attractive" or "I don't feel that way about you". Clear, unambiguous, yes direct and might sting a bit but not a reflection on any particular aspect of the person. I heard this a lot during my dating years. I kinda had a similar experience but caught the lady when she was still heavy and accepted her and married her. Prior she had yo-yo'd in weight pretty much the same as the OP's GF and married two other guys that way. I noticed her losing weight while we were divorcing and then a new guy started living with her, so I guess she went back to the old way of attracting a new man. It worked for her. Perhaps I was the anomaly, the experiment, to see if she could be attracted to a guy who accepted her weight, IDK. In any event, the OP isn't married and all parties are free to come and go as they please. If he's not satisfied, and communication fails to reconcile this, then it's irreconcilable and he should move on, both for his health and hers.
Lois_Griffin Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 If you are to end it, it will not be because she got too fat. It will be because you couldn't accept her body shape/size and for you it was a deal breaker in continuing a relationship (once again, there is nothing intrinsically wrong with this). Hopefully she will see that the problem was yours and not hers...although sadly, it doesn't always pan out this way. Perhaps it is only 'right' that you continue to reinforce this message to her during and after the breakup. Oh please. When he met her, she was half the weight, so she DOES have the ability to be thin if she works at it. It's one thing to meet a 250 pound woman and THEN start trying to turn her into a slender woman. But it's quite another when someone WAS slender and has chosen to balloon to twice their weight and seems to think that's perfectly ok and her SO should be fine with it, too. The problem isn't the OP's. It's HERS for thinking it's perfectly ok to become obese and that he should just accept it and love it. Everyone has the a desire to be with an attractive spouse, the OP is no different than anyone else. If he WANTED obese, he would have DATED obese from the start. Jeez. 3
Beach Guy Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Sounds like you two have different lifestyles that aren't a match.
stillafool Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 His lack of acceptance is his opinion and therefore his problem. Really it should have no bearing on how she views her weight and body. If she wants to get slim to feel better about herself, great. If she does not prioritize her body weight/size and is happy with how she is, also great. Perhaps it shouldn't have any bearing on how she views her weight and body, but I'll bet it does considering her previous bfs have broken up with her for the same reason. Maybe she should find a guy who is also overweight and won't care about those matters.
Jammer25 Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 ...yeah, because everyone is so PC these days...and what about all these new health and safety laws? And what about the bloody EU? *yawn* I often find that anti-PC people are just will-fully insensitive and disrespectful...using a distate for political correctness as an excuse to justify their own ignorance. Uh huh, because voicing them is obviously a direct expression of ignorance. More than anything, I feel like people who respond as above are reactionary and paint preference as unwarranted criticism. Pushback to avoid getting their insecurities pinged. No one is perfect, and I have just as many faults as the next person. I am forward with my preferences, but never disrespectful or hurtful about it. It is never my intention to hurt someone in this regard, but I am not sorry for having preferences or for expressing them. An agreeable way to say it would be "I don't find you attractive" or "I don't feel that way about you". Clear, unambiguous, yes direct and might sting a bit but not a reflection on any particular aspect of the person. I heard this a lot during my dating years. And when she asks why? M: "Oh, various things." F: "Like what?" ....
Buddhist Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 OP, as someone who has struggled with weight her whole damn life, I definitely agree with the others here who have said that her weight gain is definitely psychologically-motivated and doesn't really have to do with willpower. She's lost weight before, it's not a matter of she's lazy and can't do it—she can—it's just that, for whatever reason, she is not right now. But no amount of suggesting and nagging, etc., is going to do anything. It's probably difficult, but I would not take it personally. It's not about you, there's something deep and latent within her that needs teasing out and dealing with. In fact, I'm reading a book right now that suggests a woman's fatness is a "mother wound" or a result of her own mother's "un-felt" anger. Which, hearing that her mother is immobile enough to need a walker, is not surprising. But, whatever the deeper reason, unless and until it's addressed and taken care of, she will continue to be on the roller coaster. This is actually more daunting than going to a gym, because the fatness serves a purpose in the life of someone like your GF. It's a literal layer of protection from ... something. Intimacy, perhaps, or feelings. Whatever it is, it's going to be a long and difficult journey for her to figure out the why, and for her to develop the inner tools necessary so that she no longer relies on food. I'm sure all of that sounds like a bunch of gobbledygook, but as someone who is going through this very same thing, I can tell you, with almost complete certainty, that this is what's going on with your GF. There is more here than, "why won't she just get off her a$$?" I don't blame you for being frustrated, and I don't think you need to stick around for a lightbulb to come on that might never. Whether it's the gym or the therapist's office, she's not going to benefit from either unless she wants to do it. It takes a lot of hard work, mentally and physically, to do what she's got to do. And FWIW, Ford Escorts are very reliable, anyway. And this is the post with the greatest amount of relevance IMO. It's not about body acceptance, this girl clearly has none, judging by her history. So the OPs acceptance of her will not fix what's going on with her. As a former fatty myself (not obese but definitely in the muffin top, category) I can tell you. That weight will not shift until she does the internal work to keep it off permanently. I've been my natural weight now (US Size 2, UK Size 6-8) for over a decade. But none of that would have been possible if I hadn't gone within and solved the problem there first. In my particular case it was self-hatred that kept me in the bakery eating sweet things. Trying to sweeten my own experience of life. Yes the connection is that direct. No-one else could have loved me into a better mental place. I had to do that for myself. Some guy telling me I was beautiful when I was fat would not have done anything. Nor would anyone telling me they loved me despite my body. The issue was how I felt about me, and another person can never influence that. OP, as I said before. The only choices here are.... Therapy for her An exit for you Because if I'm being honest here whatever is going on with her isn't going to change within a time frame you will be happy with. Especially if she is presently in denial about it all. Her slender self is a temporary fixture in her life right now and only exists when she feels the loneliness strongly enough to reach for her. She isn't being slender because she enjoys it but because she fears what being fat means. She has to get an entire mental shift to learn to accept the slender self as a permanent fixture.
fitnessfan365 Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 My GF varies from a size 12-14. I personally don't have an issue w/it because I think that some extra size in the chest/hips/ass is sexy. But she has a goal to get down to size 8. Now as a personal trainer, it'd be very easy for me to get overly involved in "motivating" her. But since I care about her for who she is, I have never treated her like a client. She'll do workouts with me when we're able and go to the gym on her own a few times a week. However, it's always been driven by what she wants for herself. Nothing I tried to force on her. So OP, until your GF decides to change for herself, all the talking in the world won't make a difference. 2
carhill Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 And when she asks why? M: "Oh, various things." F: "Like what?" Common response heard: 'Do I have to spell it out for you?' stated in a dismissive tone. Women were great teachers in this area. A guy gets one chance at a polite and direct response and then, well, heh However, in my case, the most common reason was.....bald.
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