sandylee1 Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 As someone who has struggled with weight loss I empathise with her .... but you've made yourself clear and one more talk is pointless. I think you need to call time on this relationship as gently as you can. Just say that you've raised your concerns in the past and the change hasn't been sustained. You don't want to see the person you love /like experience health problems and you don't wish to force the issue with her. Wish her luck and move on. You don't have many options TBH. Fat isn't nice and has so many negative sides to it. In fact there's nothing good about being overweight. 1
wb1988 Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 (edited) I think you should just end it. Fat people take forever to lose the weight and no amount of encouragement when make a difference; weight loss is something you can only achieve with your own will. It's something that you have to fail many times before you actually hit the spot where you suddenly start to lose weight. Also the more fat you have the more your body is going to try resistant to losing fat. You also need to accept that some people are just naturally suppose to be fat. My ex gf was a fat kid, lost weight, dated me and a few years after we broke up I can now see on her fb that she's become very very fat all over again. It's a sign of disrespect as well. Many women gain weight after they start to feel like their guy will stand by them no matter what they do. If it was the opposite situation I'm sure her friends would say that she should leave your fat ass. Edited January 2, 2016 by wb1988 1
road Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 It is a legitimate need to have a mate that is not overweight. So if weight is that important you will never be happy so dump her.
Brapting Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 (edited) As someone who has struggled with weight loss I empathise with her .... but you've made yourself clear and one more talk is pointless. I think you need to call time on this relationship as gently as you can. Just say that you've raised your concerns in the past and the change hasn't been sustained. You don't want to see the person you love /like experience health problems and you don't wish to force the issue with her. Wish her luck and move on. You don't have many options TBH. Fat isn't nice and has so many negative sides to it. In fact there's nothing good about being overweight. Personally I would avoid any suggestion of having mentioned it before or not wanting to see the woman harm herself. Once again, the only issue is the OP's opinion and choice not to accept the woman's body size/shape. The woman in question is the only person who gets to decide if it is 'nice' for her to be fat. Everyone else's viewpoint is irrelevant. As wb1988 has pointed out. She will only lose weight if she wants to. It is only a problem if she thinks it is a problem for her. By implying the relationship ended because of her objective body shape/size, you could be adding external pressure and insecurities to something that should be internally driven. People are happiest and motivated best when they are driven by an internal desire or want. Not when they are trying to make themselves appealing or acceptable to other people or trying maintain a relationship. Edited January 2, 2016 by Brapting 3
OpenBook Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 People are happiest and motivated best when they are driven by an internal desire or want. Not when they are trying to make themselves appealing or acceptable to other people or trying maintain a relationship. I totally see your point, but that doesn't invalidate the OP's position. His GF changed, pretty drastically IMO from the "original" girl he fell in love with, and he is uncomfortable with that change. He's not being unfair or a jerk at all; his change of heart is justified and understandable... and inevitable. Romantic love is totally conditional, I'm afraid. There's no getting around it. You can't expect someone's feelings to stay the same when the person to whom those feelings are directed, changes. 3
Fuerza Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 She probably got comfortable in the relationship and stopped caring. Have a talk with her, ask her why she's eating this much and if she doesn't care about her health. Maybe she's an emotional eater which might be why she hides it from you, she can't stop it. Nonetheless, you're a healthy guy that works out and obviously you want the same thing for your gf. Which only makes sense as you're right, being obese can cause health issues. Maybe confront her with this? I think if my bf was like this I'd end it too, just simply because I don't want someone that doesn't care about his health and I think he would bring me down too. I want someone I can go to the gym with and eat healthy together. Not someone who's binge eating his way to diabetes and heart disease.
Brapting Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 (edited) I totally see your point, but that doesn't invalidate the OP's position. His GF changed, pretty drastically IMO from the "original" girl he fell in love with, and he is uncomfortable with that change. He's not being unfair or a jerk at all; his change of heart is justified and understandable... and inevitable. Romantic love is totally conditional, I'm afraid. There's no getting around it. You can't expect someone's feelings to stay the same when the person to whom those feelings are directed, changes. I am in complete agreement with you. I place no moral judgement on the OP's decision to drop her (if this is the decision he is taking). He is most definitely not being a jerk or unfair and I am not trying to invalidate his position. He only needs to justify the decision to himself, not to her, or me or you or anyone else. It is only right that people have their own personal 'conditions' and 'standards' and if body shape/size is one of the OP's priorities, it is understandable and inevitable that he would want to move on. But...he perhaps needs to be clear with himself and (more importantly) her that this is the issue. It is not that she is objectively fat (and that this is 'wrong', 'unattractive' and 'undesirable' to everyone)...rather that he prioritizes body shape/size and doesn't want to date someone he considers to be fat. Edited January 2, 2016 by Brapting
sandylee1 Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Personally I would avoid any suggestion of having mentioned it before or not wanting to see the woman harm herself. Once again, the only issue is the OP's opinion and choice not to accept the woman's body size/shape. The woman in question is the only person who gets to decide if it is 'nice' for her to be fat. Everyone else's viewpoint is irrelevant. As wb1988 has pointed out. She will only lose weight if she wants to. It is only a problem if she thinks it is a problem for her. By implying the relationship ended because of her objective body shape/size, you could be adding external pressure and insecurities to something that should be internally driven. People are happiest and motivated best when they are driven by an internal desire or want. Not when they are trying to make themselves appealing or acceptable to other people or trying maintain a relationship. He would be ending it for a reason. .. and I don't think he should avoid telling her the truth. Perhaps realising that she's lost 2 relationships over her weight will have an impact. People end relationships for a reason ... she deserves the truth. I would want the truth.. I think most people would prefer the truth than some made up nonsense. 2
Brapting Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 (edited) He would be ending it for a reason. .. and I don't think he should avoid telling her the truth. Perhaps realising that she's lost 2 relationships over her weight will have an impact. People end relationships for a reason ... she deserves the truth. I would want the truth.. I think most people would prefer the truth than some made up nonsense. The truth being that two men took issue with her weight and decided not to continue a relationship with her because of it. Still doesn't change it being their issue and their decision. She may be fine with her size and weight and I don't know how far you can generalize two men's opinions and tastes to the other 3.7 billion on the planet. I am not saying that losing weight has it advantages. I am saying that being thin isn't intrinsically better or worse than being fat and she should only lose weight because she wants to feel better about herself, not because she thinks it will make her more appealing to men and keep them in a relationship with her for longer. Edited January 2, 2016 by Brapting
losangelena Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 (edited) OP, as someone who has struggled with weight her whole damn life, I definitely agree with the others here who have said that her weight gain is definitely psychologically-motivated and doesn't really have to do with willpower. She's lost weight before, it's not a matter of she's lazy and can't do it—she can—it's just that, for whatever reason, she is not right now. But no amount of suggesting and nagging, etc., is going to do anything. It's probably difficult, but I would not take it personally. It's not about you, there's something deep and latent within her that needs teasing out and dealing with. In fact, I'm reading a book right now that suggests a woman's fatness is a "mother wound" or a result of her own mother's "un-felt" anger. Which, hearing that her mother is immobile enough to need a walker, is not surprising. But, whatever the deeper reason, unless and until it's addressed and taken care of, she will continue to be on the roller coaster. This is actually more daunting than going to a gym, because the fatness serves a purpose in the life of someone like your GF. It's a literal layer of protection from ... something. Intimacy, perhaps, or feelings. Whatever it is, it's going to be a long and difficult journey for her to figure out the why, and for her to develop the inner tools necessary so that she no longer relies on food. I'm sure all of that sounds like a bunch of gobbledygook, but as someone who is going through this very same thing, I can tell you, with almost complete certainty, that this is what's going on with your GF. There is more here than, "why won't she just get off her a$$?" I don't blame you for being frustrated, and I don't think you need to stick around for a lightbulb to come on that might never. Whether it's the gym or the therapist's office, she's not going to benefit from either unless she wants to do it. It takes a lot of hard work, mentally and physically, to do what she's got to do. And FWIW, Ford Escorts are very reliable, anyway. Edited January 2, 2016 by losangelena 4
central Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 She has an ongoing dysfunctional relationship with food. She loses weight to get a boyfriend, then packs on the pounds. Loses the bf due to this, and repeats the cycle. Tell her this is what you see, and it's a deal breaker for you. Move on.
Brapting Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 She has an ongoing dysfunctional relationship with food. She loses weight to get a boyfriend, then packs on the pounds. Loses the bf due to this, and repeats the cycle. Tell her this is what you see, and it's a deal breaker for you. Move on. ...if you tell her this, please also remind her that you are not a therapist, personal trainer or psychologist. For this reason, any opinion that you may have with regards to her relationship with food and men is about as useful as a chocolate tea-pot...because you are not qualified to make those kind judgments. Again emphasize that it is your issue and it in no way relates to what other men may or may not think.
xxoo Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Again emphasize that it is your issue and it in no way relates to what other men may or may not think. The discussion doesn't need to delve at all into what other men may or may not think. Why would it? He fell for a woman with one set of behaviors. She now has a different set of behaviors, and he finds them to be unhealthy and unattractive. It's a deal breaker. 1
Brapting Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 (edited) The discussion doesn't need to delve at all into what other men may or may not think. Why would it? He fell for a woman with one set of behaviors. She now has a different set of behaviors, and he finds them to be unhealthy and unattractive. It's a deal breaker. I agree and it is worth emphasizing to her that it is a deal breaker for the OP and for him to take responsibility for his opinion...one male opinion out of 3.7 billion on the planet I might add (and I only mention this to emphasize how unimportant it really is). He and we should maybe avoid any discussion on what is the 'desirable' or 'best' course of action for the lady in question. He finds it to be a problem and cannot accept it, therefore it is his problem and his lack of acceptance, it really has nothing to do with her at all. Edited January 2, 2016 by Brapting
Zapbasket Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 What you're dealing with is not just a partner gaining some weight. I think it's good to go into any relationship understanding that your partner's weight might fluctuate and health might wax and wane, but that's just something that comes with getting older and the fluctuations of life. But what you're dealing with is beyond weight; it's about lifestyle and values. She doesn't value healthy eating and exercise the way you do, and she comes from a background where those were not her values at all. Furthermore I agree with a previous poster who said her weight gain in relationships and weight loss when they're over suggests her weight is a psychological issue around intimacy. She is unconsciously sabotaging your relationship as she did her previous one through her eating habits. Her fat is a way of pushing you away. I disagree with other posters who say you should try to talk to her about it. This is a major incompatibility and I think you need to walk away. I would do so in your shoes; perhaps it's my shortcoming but I have little patience or understanding for excessive weight problems. I can empathize from afar, but I wouldn't want to date someone with weight issues, or especially as in your case, eating issues to that scale. It's a no-win battle and she WILL choose her food over you if push comes to shove. 1
stillafool Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Just break up with her. She will probably over eat and end up like her mom and sister. Get out now.
xxoo Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 I agree and it is worth emphasizing to her that it is a deal breaker for the OP and for him to take responsibility for his opinion...one male opinion out of 3.7 billion on the planet I might add (and I only mention this to emphasize how unimportant it really is). He and we should maybe avoid any discussion on what is the 'desirable' or 'best' course of action for the lady in question. He finds it to be a problem and cannot accept it, therefore it is his problem and his lack of acceptance, it really has nothing to do with her at all. His problem? No. She shouldn't be shielded from the truth that her behaviors made her unattractive to her own boyfriend.
stillafool Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 I too agree that it is her problem since she is the one who put on weight and is no longer attractive to her bf as well as putting her health at risk. Apparently this isn't just one mans opinion because her ex bfs broke up with her for the same reason. They didn't find her desirable.
Zapbasket Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 I am in complete agreement with you. I place no moral judgement on the OP's decision to drop her (if this is the decision he is taking). He is most definitely not being a jerk or unfair and I am not trying to invalidate his position. He only needs to justify the decision to himself, not to her, or me or you or anyone else. It is only right that people have their own personal 'conditions' and 'standards' and if body shape/size is one of the OP's priorities, it is understandable and inevitable that he would want to move on. But...he perhaps needs to be clear with himself and (more importantly) her that this is the issue. It is not that she is objectively fat (and that this is 'wrong', 'unattractive' and 'undesirable' to everyone)...rather that he prioritizes body shape/size and doesn't want to date someone he considers to be fat. There's a part of this that IS purely OBJECTIVE, not subjective. Yes, some people like skinny people, and others like people with a bit more meat. Others, still, have a tolerance for anything from skinny to chubby. That's all subjective. But doubling your body weight in a single year? Yeah, that is FAT. Objectively FAT. And it's also objective to say that this kind of weight gain is a health issue as well, in this case, as a psychological issue. No, this is not the OP's problem. It's her problem and one she will have to work very hard to deal with. It sounds like she's making it a battle between the OP and her and that will go nowhere for either of them. She's going to have to want to end this cycle for herself, and it sounds like she's nowhere near ready to do so. OP, this isn't your problem. You have been more than fair and patient and you leaving, in a strange way, seems to be what she wants. You can't have intimacy when someone is so mired in self-sabotage as she is. 1
Brapting Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 (edited) His problem? No. She shouldn't be shielded from the truth that her behaviors made her unattractive to her own boyfriend. The only truth here is that he found her behaviors unattractive. That is not to say that the behavior is objectively unattractive, only that he (one guy out of billions) holds a particular view on the matter. The 'lessons' that she takes from this are only applicable to him and her relationship with him at this point in time. His lack of acceptance is his opinion and therefore his problem. Really it should have no bearing on how she views her weight and body. If she wants to get slim to feel better about herself, great. If she does not prioritize her body weight/size and is happy with how she is, also great. Edited January 2, 2016 by Brapting 1
xxoo Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 The only truth here is that he found her behaviors unattractive. That is not to say that the behavior is objectively unattractive, only that he (one guy out of billions) holds a particular view on the matter. The 'lessons' that she takes from this are only applicable to him and her relationship with him at this point in time. His lack of acceptance is his opinion and therefore his problem. Really it should have no bearing on how she views her weight and body. His opinion is her problem since she wanted to be with him. And the last one, too. She's a grown woman. She knows her own issues and what's up. No need to condescend to her. It would be in her best interest to seek out men who like her at her current size and lifestyle, but that's not what she's done in the past. 1
mike_89 Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 I too agree that it is her problem since she is the one who put on weight and is no longer attractive to her bf as well as putting her health at risk. Apparently this isn't just one mans opinion because her ex bfs broke up with her for the same reason. They didn't find her desirable. I'm afraid this is true. This woman has a very serious issue (her entire family seems to have it) and she does not want to work on it, or she would've done it in her previous relationship.
Brapting Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 (edited) His opinion is her problem since she wanted to be with him. And the last one, too. She's a grown woman. She knows her own issues and what's up. No need to condescend to her. It would be in her best interest to seek out men who like her at her current size and lifestyle, but that's not what she's done in the past. It takes two to tango. I don't think that there were many objections from him when they got together. As a grown woman she can probably decide for herself whether she has issues, or if something is up with her. She doesn't need people to inform her. Claiming that an opinion is a generalize-able, objective truth and trying to dictate it to someone without them asking for it sounds pretty condescending to me. I like what you said about seeking people who are accepting of her current size and lifestyle. Perhaps this is what she sought with the OP...how would she know any different unless the OP was upfront about his views from the start? Edited January 2, 2016 by Brapting
seekingluck Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 His problem? No. She shouldn't be shielded from the truth that her behaviors made her unattractive to her own boyfriend. It is his problem. She has no control over what he finds attractive, and she should never base her feelings on how she feels about herself based on what her partner feels. She has to live the life she chooses and the way she wants. He doesn't have to agree with her lifestyle and choices. If this is a deal breaker for him, he should leave. Not every partner will feel the same way about her weight and lifestyle. She should look for someone who will accept her in all states. The OP is not that person. Or she can make whatever changes she wants to to get what she wants in life. 1
xxoo Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 It is his problem. She has no control over what he finds attractive, and she should never base her feelings on how she feels about herself based on what her partner feels. She has to live the life she chooses and the way she wants. He doesn't have to agree with her lifestyle and choices. If this is a deal breaker for him, he should leave. Not every partner will feel the same way about her weight and lifestyle. She should look for someone who will accept her in all states. The OP is not that person. Or she can make whatever changes she wants to to get what she wants in life. I agree that she should not base her feelings on how she feels about herself based on what her partner feels. Obviously, she needs to decide what she wants and make that happen. What she's doing isn't working.
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