BettyDraper Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 So I have dear friend who is having a hard time getting over an ex. He left her about a year ago and their lives are intertwined because their families know each other. She is close to his grandmother and Facebook friends with his mother and sister. My friend also dated this man briefly in high school and they live in a small town. When they were dating as adults, he was talking about marriage and children. He abruptly broke up with my friend and ever since then, she has been talking about him constantly. I have listened patiently and offered my perspective. I know how good it feels to talk about painful events with friends so I try listen and offer support when I can. She found out that he's moved on and now she wants to know why he has a girlfriend when he said that he wanted to be alone. I told my friend that focusing on her ex's life is not helping her. Since he has moved on, she should move on with her life as well. My friend has sought counseling over this break up. My friend is a very attractive and successful young woman. She deserves better than this and I hate to see her obsess over a man who doesn't want to be with her for the time being. How would you help your friend move on from a breakup? I feel like this is becoming an unhealthy obsession for my friend.
MzLady Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 You're right.. It's not healthy for her. You may want to suggest she see a counselor to help her work through her emotions. Also, if she is having a lot of anxiety, her doctor can prescribe something temporarily.. Just until she gets herself back on track. Btw.. I am speaking from experience. she needs more help than what a great friend like you can offer. Best of luck to you
road Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 It takes time to grieve the loss of a relationship. This is why people are told to wait a year before they start another one.
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 There's nothing you can actually do to help her move on, she has to do it for herself. Not everyone handles things as well as they ought to, and I imagine it would sting pretty hard finding out your ex has a new partner... how does she know all this stuff about him, though? She's obviously either seeking the info out, or allowing others to talk to her about him and his life. If she asks for advice, give it... block him, and others related to him unless there's a genuine relationship there to be maintained, and even then there are ways of doing it sensitively (i.e. staying in touch with phone now and then but still blocking on social media to avoid having the wound reopened over and over again). But honestly, hard to see how you can help if a professional counsellor hasn't been able to. Eventually her actions will tip the balance and it'll hurt her more to continue doing what she's doing than it will to make a clean break and truly commit to moving on. All you can do as a friend is love and support her and be there for her.
Author BettyDraper Posted January 2, 2016 Author Posted January 2, 2016 It takes time to grieve the loss of a relationship. This is why people are told to wait a year before they start another one. I agree that it takes time to grieve a lost relationship. However, I am more concerned that my friend seems obsessed with what her ex is doing...especially since it is painfully obvious that he doesn't care about her. She can grieve the loss without wasting time worrying about why her ex left or why he is dating someone else. We all cope with lost relationships in different ways. I like to remove any reminders of that person and force myself to focus on other things. My friend has gone into counseling but I don't know if it is helping her. 1
Author BettyDraper Posted January 2, 2016 Author Posted January 2, 2016 There's nothing you can actually do to help her move on, she has to do it for herself. Not everyone handles things as well as they ought to, and I imagine it would sting pretty hard finding out your ex has a new partner... how does she know all this stuff about him, though? She's obviously either seeking the info out, or allowing others to talk to her about him and his life. If she asks for advice, give it... block him, and others related to him unless there's a genuine relationship there to be maintained, and even then there are ways of doing it sensitively (i.e. staying in touch with phone now and then but still blocking on social media to avoid having the wound reopened over and over again). But honestly, hard to see how you can help if a professional counsellor hasn't been able to. Eventually her actions will tip the balance and it'll hurt her more to continue doing what she's doing than it will to make a clean break and truly commit to moving on. All you can do as a friend is love and support her and be there for her. You're right. I love my friend and it hurts me to see her in pain like this. She told me that she blocked his sister and his mom from her Facebook and I told my friend that was a healthy choice. I agree that it stings to see an ex move on. She likely found out from Facebook. I posted this thread because my friend was talking about looking for information on the story of how her ex met her man.
sportygirl89 Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 So I have dear friend who is having a hard time getting over an ex. He left her about a year ago and their lives are intertwined because their families know each other. She is close to his grandmother and Facebook friends with his mother and sister. My friend also dated this man briefly in high school and they live in a small town. When they were dating as adults, he was talking about marriage and children. He abruptly broke up with my friend and ever since then, she has been talking about him constantly. I have listened patiently and offered my perspective. I know how good it feels to talk about painful events with friends so I try listen and offer support when I can. She found out that he's moved on and now she wants to know why he has a girlfriend when he said that he wanted to be alone. I told my friend that focusing on her ex's life is not helping her. Since he has moved on, she should move on with her life as well. My friend has sought counseling over this break up. My friend is a very attractive and successful young woman. She deserves better than this and I hate to see her obsess over a man who doesn't want to be with her for the time being. How would you help your friend move on from a breakup? I feel like this is becoming an unhealthy obsession for my friend. Be there for her. Don't ditch her when she needs people (my friends did that to me so I had an even worse time). I had a double loss of boyfriend and friends. I only dated this guy for 6 months but he was my first boyfriend I saw a future with. Took me a while close to 2 years to get over it. He said no one could fall in love in 4-6 months. I found out he got engaged at 4 months dating. I was destroyed. 3 years after the break up I'm happily single.
Author BettyDraper Posted January 3, 2016 Author Posted January 3, 2016 Be there for her. Don't ditch her when she needs people (my friends did that to me so I had an even worse time). I had a double loss of boyfriend and friends. I only dated this guy for 6 months but he was my first boyfriend I saw a future with. Took me a while close to 2 years to get over it. He said no one could fall in love in 4-6 months. I found out he got engaged at 4 months dating. I was destroyed. 3 years after the break up I'm happily single. Oh no...I'm not the type to turn my back on loved ones when they need a shoulder to cry on. I'm sorry that you had such a terrible experience. I'm glad that you are happily single now.
Samhain Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 I think I'd be brutally honest. I'd say listen, the whole "I want to be alone" speech is usually what spineless people say when they can't just come out and tell you "I've met somebody else", if he'd done that, maybe she wouldn't be so confused as to why he moved on so quickly. It might not be so much about the guy but more to do with her self esteem (which is understandable as most people feel this way after a break up). I guess all you can do is keep telling her how great she is and how she seriously dodged a bullet with this guy, because if he was too much of a wuss to even be honest, she deserved better from the start.
preraph Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 She's trying to make sense of it and wanted to believe he wanted to be alone and that maybe that wasn't permanent. It was only his lame way to leave her when he decided she wasn't the one. She's seeing someone, so she can pour her heart out to them. Meanwhile, what you and all her friends need to do is redirect her attention by going out with her, preferably somewhere too active or loud for her to do nothing but talk about him, and keep her entertained and out there. Find out her favorite things and take her to do them. Go with her to a workout class because this stuff is very stressful and it can really wear on your body and exercise or water aerobics or tennis or anything active helps. Just tug her along and make a point of getting all her friends to pitch in taking her out and keeping her occupied. Making new memories I think is the ONLY way to crowd out old ones and switch focus. Good luck. 1
Author BettyDraper Posted January 3, 2016 Author Posted January 3, 2016 I think I'd be brutally honest. I'd say listen, the whole "I want to be alone" speech is usually what spineless people say when they can't just come out and tell you "I've met somebody else", if he'd done that, maybe she wouldn't be so confused as to why he moved on so quickly. It might not be so much about the guy but more to do with her self esteem (which is understandable as most people feel this way after a break up). I guess all you can do is keep telling her how great she is and how she seriously dodged a bullet with this guy, because if he was too much of a wuss to even be honest, she deserved better from the start. I told her that her ex said those words because either he didn't mean it or he had a change of heart when he met that other girl. It seems like my friend's ex can't be alone. He was with a woman for five years before he started dating my friend and talking about marriage. Her ex could have married the woman before but he opted not to because he didn't truly love her. He started dating my friend about two months after that breakup. I don't know how long her ex has been seeing this new woman but quite frankly, I don't really care because I am more concerned about my friend's mental state. I tell my friend that she can do better than her ex in every way....especially looks. I mentioned that his haircut was an unfortunate tragedy and that my friend laugh so much that she choked on her wine. 1
theredpill Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 It takes time to grieve the loss of a relationship. This is why people are told to wait a year before they start another one. For long relationships yes it can take a long time, but a year out for a relatively short relationship is way too long. We're only around for 70 odd years if we're lucky, this is astonishing to read if it's the consensus - it's not what we do or hear over in the UK Anyone who advises people to take a year out of dating is seriously wasting peoples lives, it takes as long as it takes - but doing the right things and getting out there can turn that 12 months into 3 or 4. The main fear people have is not meeting anyone as good or better, how the hell is this ever going to happen when so many opportunities are wasted because people are taking this kind of advice on board? Just my 2 pence, not directed at the quoted poster.
sportygirl89 Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 (edited) For long relationships yes it can take a long time, but a year out for a relatively short relationship is way too long. We're only around for 70 odd years if we're lucky, this is astonishing to read if it's the consensus - it's not what we do or hear over in the UK Anyone who advises people to take a year out of dating is seriously wasting peoples lives, it takes as long as it takes - but doing the right things and getting out there can turn that 12 months into 3 or 4. The main fear people have is not meeting anyone as good or better, how the hell is this ever going to happen when so many opportunities are wasted because people are taking this kind of advice on board? Just my 2 pence, not directed at the quoted poster. Mine was 6 months. However he moved here to be with me with the future of moving in and getting engaged. You can't base the under 1 year comment on everyone. I think you mean on different circumstances. My ex was military and has PTSD. I was not advertising a year off. However it did help me realize what I want in my next relationship. Edited January 3, 2016 by sportygirl89
Author BettyDraper Posted January 4, 2016 Author Posted January 4, 2016 For long relationships yes it can take a long time, but a year out for a relatively short relationship is way too long. We're only around for 70 odd years if we're lucky, this is astonishing to read if it's the consensus - it's not what we do or hear over in the UK Anyone who advises people to take a year out of dating is seriously wasting peoples lives, it takes as long as it takes - but doing the right things and getting out there can turn that 12 months into 3 or 4. The main fear people have is not meeting anyone as good or better, how the hell is this ever going to happen when so many opportunities are wasted because people are taking this kind of advice on board? Just my 2 pence, not directed at the quoted poster. I don't think you can speak for everyone in the UK about how breakups are handled. I had a short relationship which still leaves me with nightmares and flashbacks due the abuse. The relationship was nearly 10 years ago. I have moved on to a happy marriage with a wonderful man but I can't stop my mind from revisiting my pain.
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