How do I justify these "insecurities"??

[TrueSmiles12]

i have been on and off again with the same guy for about a year and half now... and i want a third chance. i know i know it sounds stupid, but i just can't let go yet. anyway, he broke up with me both times because well, he just doesn't know how to have a serious kind of relationship yet. and i'm not looking for a third chance right away of course. i want us to communicate and work out our problems and ease into things again. we've been in contact for a while now since our last breakup, a couple of months i'd say. and right now, we're long distance whatevering. and there lies the problem.

 

right before we began long distancing, we were casually seeing each other and remaining in contact, letting whatever happen happen. one night after hanging out and having a great time after so long, he left his cell phone in my room. and i was feeling extremely weary about things going great between us after so long, so i looked through the phone, especially his text message outbox. and there i found among all his texts to me, some to this girl that was our mutual friend, acquaintance, whatever. basically they were along the lines of them flirting and trying to hook up with each other one night or two..

 

i confronted him the next day about it when i returned his phone to him. i was extremely upset because i was convinced that i was still the only girl in his life and that things were finally looking up since things were going so well between us. and he felt awful too, apologizing and explaining that nothing happened b/t them and that he was just drunk and acting stupid.

 

so basically ever since then, i have been so skeptical of his relationship with her. and that is where my greatest insecurity lies right now. i freak out everyday basically and have these constant thoughts running through my head about the possibilities of them hanging out, being drunk and flirting and more with each other, etc.. i mean it makes it worse that he and i are not officially together -- he is of course free to do whatever. but i am always afraid of being played a fool. i mean here i am trying so hard and getting my hopes up of being with him again, only to have him sweet talking me while he is trying to be with someone else too?? it kills me...

 

and everytime i try to bring her up to even ask about her, the truth about her, he gets mad at me, saying that i shouldn't mention it anymore. but i am still very uneasy about all of this. i don't know what to do. please give me any advice about what i can possibly say to him either about our situation or the triangle... thanks loveshack

[sanne]

if you suspect that your partner is cheating on you, then they probably are. i was in your same boat, always suspecting my ex of dubious behavior but never wanting to accept the truth. I couldn't allow myself to believe that she could be as horrible and twisted a person as I found out she truly was. It was not until the evidence was shoved in my face that I finally saw the light.

 

I don't honestly know what advice to give you, all I know is that next time I'm not going to wait for full and complete proof, I"m just going to walk away. If someone is faithful to you, you'll know it, trust me. When they are unfaithful, you'll find yourself questioning what they are doing and who they are seeing. There are a lot of bad apples in this world, but keep searching and you'll find the one that's right for you.

[LucreziaBorgia]

he and i are not officially together

 

... and that is why you should not be questioning what he is doing with this girl. It sounds like you have way more invested in this relationship and have much higher hopes and expectations for it than he does. You have convinced yourself that there is a chance for you two that just doesn't sound likely at this time. He has made what he wants pretty clear, from the sounds of it - a casual relationship in which he has little or no obligations to you or the relationship.

 

You will want to ask yourself if it is really this guy you want to be with, or if you want to be with the version of him that you wish he was for you. Right now, he can't be what you want him to be for you, and he has made it pretty clear what you can expect: a casual 'on and off' relationship, at best - so you'll have to decide whether to take it and accept it for what it is, or leave it.

 

You'll have to be perfectly clear what kind of relationship you want with him, and let him know the terms: a committed, monogamous relationship in which you will both be happy. If he can't or won't provide that for you, you'll have to tell him that your heart just can't deal with any less than that - and then go to 'no contact' to get your head and heart in order.

[Curt]

Originally posted by sanne

if you suspect that your partner is cheating on you, then they probably are. {-snip-}

 

It was not until the evidence was shoved in my face that I finally saw the light. {-snip-}

 

next time I'm not going to wait for full and complete proof, I"m just going to walk away. If someone is faithful to you, you'll know it, trust me. When they are unfaithful, you'll find yourself questioning what they are doing and who they are seeing.

 

Sanne, in all due respect for your opinion, I do feel that judging a situation like this may be a far too arbitrary and uncertain method to ascertain whether a person is cheating/unfaithful.

 

Sometimes, our own insecurities and/or lack of sufficient trust is what really breaks us up.

 

I do understand that the situation you reference most certainly did end up badly, proving to you that SHE was not a trustworthy person. However, beware the temptation to make a bad incident in your past into a rule by which to judge future relationships.

 

I believe you said it best when you said, "It was not until the evidence was shoved in my face that I finally saw the light."

 

Always strive to do just that. Separate the facts from the interpersonal friction, and then action according to the evidence.

 

Peace.

 

Curt

[sanne]

well sometimes when you have a hunch about something and your instincts and mind is telling you something is not right, it's probably best to at least start questioning things.