Clashing views on things that matter!

[chelseabun]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm new to this, so please be kind .

My partner and have been seeing each other for around 5 months now, so it's still early days and generally speaking he is all I could ask for in a man. With both of us being indivdual people we do have our own opinions on different matters, which is obviously completely fine. However there is one subject that really gets to me and I find it hard to cope with us having such different views on it. He does know my reasons for feeling the way I do, so I won't elucidate on that further on here.

 

That subject is drugs. I am completely against it in any shape or form, whereas he has no problem with it. He doesn't do them (anymore), but has a very liberal view on the whole subject. To me dating someone who is actively doing drugs would a COMPLETE NO-NO. Coming to terms with the fact that he had only recently stopped occassionally doing it was hard enough, but he's made the decision that it wasn't for him anymore before we met, so I guess what's in the past is in the past. I just wish that he would see why I feel the way I do and share the same view now.

 

Having moved within these circles for years a lot of his friends are still doing it which leads to another problem. I know the fact that they occassionally do drugs isn't all there is to them as individuals and I'm sure they're nice people, but the thought of my boyfriend hanging out with these people while they are doing and thinking that's okay makes me feel sick!

He does work long hours and when is off he spends a lot of his time with me, so he doesn't see his friends a lot, maybe twice a month, which I know isn't a lot at all, but the main issue I've got is his view on the whole matter.

 

A few months back we've had a big argument about it (I say argument, it was more me not being okay with his views and being around people that are users and him doing his best to try to get his point of views and reasoning across and trying to assure me that he has no intentions of doing it ever again.) and we've managed to find a compromise in accepting each other's views.

 

Still, every time we talk about one of his user friends or there is a scene on tv or similar I feel really tense and resentful.

 

Yesterday night we talked about resolutions for the new year and I said that I want to continue working on being less judgmental (no remark to the whole subject) and he then started how I won't be a less judgmental with my strong views on drug use and tried to almost justify how some people in certain situations have no choice but to turn to drugs and how it makes some people's lifes better. I listened to him for 10 minutes or so before my fuse blew. I stood up, told him I was tired and that I'd like him to sleep on the sofa.

 

I don't understand what he was trying to achieve with that. There's no winning for either of us in this situation. It made me feel like he in fact is pro drugs (which he ensured me he isn't) if anything which upset me to no avail.

 

I won't ever be happy with his opinion on this one, but I really want to find a way to deal with it, even though I feel I'm really disregarding my moral believes.

 

Reading this back this might sound petty to some, but it's massively on mind to the point where everytime we argue about it I just feel that I can't be with him and leave. Which would be a massive shame, because apart from that he is such an amazing person!

 

Thanks for reading!

Edited January 1, 2016 by chelseabun

[Gaeta]

he then started how I won't be a less judgmental with my strong views on drug use and tried to almost justify how some people in certain situations have no choice but to turn to drugs and how it makes some people's lifes better.

 

You're only 5 months in so abort this and move on to a better suited partner.

 

Marriage and parenthood will be your most rewarding experience in life but will also be your biggest hardest challenge ever. How can you trust he won't turn to drugs when the going gets tough? When you need to lean on him where will he be? poking himself with something to make himself feel better?

 

I've never had to deal with drugs and alcohol. I have never picked boyfriends and husbands that were users. It's a totally complete turn off for me. Hearing something like this from a boyfriend would completely kill the image I have of him.

[Wewon]

 

Yesterday night we talked about resolutions for the new year and I said that I want to continue working on being less judgmental (no remark to the whole subject) and he then started how I won't be a less judgmental with my strong views on drug use and tried to almost justify how some people in certain situations have no choice but to turn to drugs and how it makes some people's lifes better. I listened to him for 10 minutes or so before my fuse blew. I stood up, told him I was tired and that I'd like him to sleep on the sofa.

 

I don't understand what he was trying to achieve with that. There's no winning for either of us in this situation. It made me feel like he in fact is pro drugs (which he ensured me he isn't) if anything which upset me to no avail.

 

I won't ever be happy with his opinion on this one, but I really want to find a way to deal with it, even though I feel I'm really disregarding my moral believes.

 

 

 

I love how you can only be judgmental when you have a strong opinion against something, but that word is never used to describe people that aggressively advocate for something. Hmmm.

 

Anyway, not trying to take sides but this is one of the reasons that you date, to get to understand each other's core values and beliefs. Learning about a person's basic philosophies while the stakes are low will help you understand how and why they will treat things when the stakes are high. This will also be fundamental in how you raise your children and what you teach them about the subject of drugs.

 

I also see these kinds of issues as indicative of how they view stress, accountability, coping and how they treat others.

 

I personally wouldn't move forward with someone that I was this far apart on such a key issue.

[carhill]

Couples may disagree on a variety of subjects. Here, apparently, aspects of legal and illegal drug use.

 

How do you and he feel about alcohol? That's a legal drug nearly everywhere.

 

If you can't agree to disagree or otherwise resolve the issue where both parties are satisfied, then the issue becomes irreconcilable and a potential dealbreaker. Up to you what importance you place on this.

 

I'm a lifetime non-user of drugs but drug use has been, and still is, common in my generation. People do what they want. I have my boundaries, especially if/when legal sanctions might apply to me for interacting with illegal users, and leave it at that. We're all adults and can make our own choices and accept responsibility for them.

 

Hence, if I were involved with someone who was 'pro-drug', my boundary would be keep the illegal stuff out of my presence and off my property. If pushback occurred, bye bye. I've also done this with legal drugs, like alcohol, meaning discontinued interactions with alcoholics where their drug use impacted our relations in an unhealthy way.

 

All associations in life are voluntary and we each choose who with and how we interact.

 

Welcome to LS and good luck!

[burnt]

Sorry, I'm a little unclear about what the main concern is.

 

1) Is it that you are worried that he may at some point start doing drugs again because he has a 'pro drug' mentality

or that

2) He supports an idea that you cannot morally accept or understand.

 

If it's 1, then I think that's a very serious concern, as pointed out by another poster that it begs the question what he'll do when he faces a stressful situation in the future.

 

But if it's 2, then I'm hesitant to say that's a deal breaker. People can have different points of view--but that's all-- they are opinions and ideas and beliefs, not necessarily actions.

 

Someone can make 'big words' about legalizing drugs and alcohol and making big speeches about how our actions shouldn't be guided by 'rules' and 'legality' but by our moral codes, but it doesn't necessarily mean he'll do the drugs himself.

[WaitingForBardot]

"It is the mark of an educated man to be able to entertain an idea without adopting it." -- Aristotle.

[chelseabun]

Thanks for your replies everyone! It's been very helpful to hear some other oppinions and perspectives.

 

@Gaeta I agree, motherhood is the ultimate rewarding, yet most challenging experience in life and I'm blessed enough to experience it first hand . Not so sure if marriage is though, but then as a newly divorcee I would say that hey.

 

I 100% believe in him being a strong person and for him to not go back to using drugs when the going gets rough. To me the issue is if/how I'm going to deal with my own feelings regarding the situation. I feel running away from someone who is otherwise suitable might not be the best way.

 

@Carhill Personally I don't drink myself, but I don't have a problem with him having drinks in a social environment. Yesterday was the first time I experienced him drunk.

 

He is literally not involved with anything do to with it anymore, to me it's literally his mindset of thinking it's okay if other people choose to do it and having friends who do it (we've come to the agreement that he'll only meet them in an environment where no drug use would be involved anyway).

 

@burnt 100% 2), I do trust him to stand by his word. He is a very reliable person. He isn't of the opinion of legalizing it, he tried to open my eyes to the fact that no every person that uses drugs serves the stereo type drug user image that people often have in their minds.

Edited January 1, 2016 by chelseabun

[Gaeta]

If you trust him completely and him using again is not a concern than just make an agreement to not discuss drugs, that's all.

 

I remember dating a creationist. I am non religious with liberal views. After arguing a couple of times about creation versus science we agreed to not bring that topic back again. I can continue believing in dinosaurs and he can continue believing women are born from a man's rib.