helaa Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 Hey there. My lovely ex broke up with me 5 months ago.After the break up I begged for a month or two.Obviously that didnt work so I gave up on begging.Cut the contact for a week.She contacted me after this,saying that she's regretting her breaking up our relationship.So I said,okay,lets try to do it again.She stated that she's not sure if she loves me or not.We argued again(I was getting nervous,she played with me like this for a 2 months).So she said she's DONE.Dont love you anymore but I love you as a person etc.Okay,I get it,I was heartbroken but obviously I still loved her,I went NC again. So after 2 weeks of NC,I started to feel better,after all I tried my best to get back with her.She saw me hanging out with my friends.3 days later she again,contacted me saying that she lied to me,still not over me and loves me,in her own way.I played the "strong" guy this time,saying that I got over you,dont interested in you anymore etc.She got angry(I felt it actually) but didnt say anything. Again I started NC.Because I was still in love with her but I cant just drop my guard off because she played with me before,I cant accept the "not sure of my feelings" as an excuse. So she didnt see me in school for a 1,5 weeks I guess...Again contacted me to see if Im okay.Yes,I get it,she loves me as a person but I cant go to square one.I gave her the cold shoulder.Saying that you should be worrying about your friends,not me. She got angry and used some childish words(they doesnt mean anything in english so Im not going to talk about them).This time stated that she's over me and doesnt love me anymore romantically.I couldnt believe what I see.She didnt grow one bit and still blamed me.Like in our relationship.Exactly the same things.I offered her to meet up.Talking about what she wants to know,she refused "we have nothing to talk about anymore".Dumbest thing she told me: "you didnt care how I was after the break up,there is our difference,I care about you and you dont." I mean... YOU broke up with me,YOU gave up on me,WHY should I care how you were doing? You should be doing fine because you didnt want me as a partner.You did this because you wanted to be happy.And blaming me for this is selfish. Dont get me wrong though,I still love her to death,still care about her alot,Im the one who will help her if she's in trouble.But its just unfair.Im in depression for a month now,using antidepressants,she's having fun.I lied to her because I just wanted to get over her,at this point there's no reason to talk what Im going through. So my question is; Should I be happy because she gave up on me? She didnt change one bit. I made mistakes,a lot of them.But I was trying really hard to solve them in our last months.She saw them too,but didnt believe in me. Sorry for my bad English.
artnoveau Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 (edited) I think it is a good thing if this comes to an end. She seems very immature and I bet she would never have made you happy. In university (psychology mayor) we learn that past behavior is the best predictor for future behavior. Meaning that most likely she didn't learn anything from this. I don't think she even wanted to learn. She seems selfcentered and selfinvolved and not like the kind of person that wants to learn from her mistakes. But I understand why you stuck so long with this. There is something about this ambivalent feeling of "not being loved, but wanted" or this constant up and down, that makes us stick with something. But I think that the fact that she didn't love you anymore has nothing to do with you. You are fine. It is her that has a problem. Maybe she will mature, but she won't do it soon enough. And you seem like a nice and self-reflecting person that absolutely deserves someone who knows their own feelings. I even think that the fact that you managed to end this situation when you could have stayed, shows that you are quite resilient and have a good sense of selfworth. I know I would have been so scared with being alone and losing her, I would have kept going with this. But you know that this wasn't a good situation to be in and you managed to get out. Well done! I hope you can move one at some point. Writing and reading stuff on here helps and depressions can and usually do get better. It is gonna go uphill from now on. And your English is completely fine. Edited January 2, 2016 by artnoveau 1
Author helaa Posted January 2, 2016 Author Posted January 2, 2016 (edited) I think it is a good thing if this comes to an end. She seems very immature and I bet she would never have made you happy. In university (psychology mayor) we learn that past behavior is the best predictor for future behavior. Meaning that most likely she didn't learn anything from this. I don't think she even wanted to learn. She seems selfcentered and selfinvolved and not like the kind of person that wants to learn from her mistakes. But I understand why you stuck so long with this. There is something about this ambivalent feeling of "not being loved, but wanted" or this constant up and down, that makes us stick with something. But I think that the fact that she didn't love you anymore has nothing to do with you. You are fine. It is her that has a problem. Maybe she will mature, but she won't do it soon enough. And you seem like a nice and self-reflecting person that absolutely deserves someone who knows their own feelings. I even think that the fact that you managed to end this situation when you could have stayed, shows that you are quite resilient and have a good sense of selfworth. I know I would have been so scared with being alone and losing her, I would have kept going with this. But you know that this wasn't a good situation to be in and you managed to get out. Well done! I hope you can move one at some point. Writing and reading stuff on here helps and depressions can and usually do get better. It is gonna go uphill from now on. And your English is completely fine. First of all,thanks for your answer and your precious time. And I want to state that the break up was MY fault.Im not going to whine about my ex for all that happened.It's my fault %80. I really loved her,and she did love me too.She made me happy because I had problems in my childhood,she was the one that made me happy fullest.And I was the one that made her happy since her childhood.She stated that in her letter.But there was something missing that I can feel but there wasnt a strong evidence.She didnt love me fullest.I felt that.She SHOWED that,in a way.But I closed my eyes,because of love I guess.And I started to reflect this to my ex.Our last 3-4 months was bad,because I started to get jealous at everything,blamed her for everything(again,Im accepting all of them,I already fixed them in my last 5 months).I have been thinking about my mistakes,they could have awaken from the thing that missing,I guess I tried to not lose her,tried way too hard to fill that little thing that missing.In 4 months we didnt even tried to solve these problems face to face,just texting,and when we're face to face,she started crying all the time,so I backed it up. I messed up after the break up,too.But there was nothing cant be fixed by talking.Im not angry but dissappointed that she gave up on me.I tried my best for her.Last time we spoke she have been thinking that I didnt love her,now she's sure of it. Again,Im the ONE that made mistakes.But Im worried about her,the way she handled the break up,its not good.Im wishing her the best but she didnt learn a thing from it and this worries me. Edited January 2, 2016 by helaa
artnoveau Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 I honestly think that you worrying about her is the wrong thing for both of you. You have been close and important to each other. I get that. But if she has been crying most of the times you saw each other in the end, then the only thing she needs is space to heal. And you can't help her heal. You would do the exact oppsite, opening the wounds. Which is why its bad for her situation, that you worry so much. And its bad for you, because this seemd to have been a difficult thing and no matter how much you believe in true love - when two people keep being unhappy, no matter how much they try, it might not be the right thing to keep going. So in the end she might learn something from this, but she needs to heal first. And you need to stop worrying and caring, because it keeps you from moving on and you really need to do this as well.
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