imbax Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 (edited) Hi everyone, this is my story for those who haven't been following me: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/524950-3-years-7-months-all-gone-16.html For those who want a quick summary of my situation (TLDR): - With first girlfriend for almost 4 years (19-23 y.o.) - Gave her everything, she was always a bit aloof / distant with me.... - She broke up with me out of the blue April 2015 (after graduating and going to our own workplaces) = (because of differences / fights) - I did not beg, plead or reason other than 1-2 texts the week after the breakup - I love her with everything I had and still do.... My problem lies: 9 months post break up, with extended periods of no contact, I still cannot get her out of my head. Things I have done right: - Dated almost 10 different girls for 2-3 dates each, with one girl letting me suck on her nipples and making out with her and another girl offering to be **** buddies which I declined because I did not feel as if it was my type of thing - Studied my ass off to secure a full time position at work and pass exams with flying colours - Had a strict gym / exercise regimen for the past 4 months, been the strongest and heaviest I have ever been in my life (of muscle) - Made a tonne of new friends and re-established / expanded my social network making HEAPs of new guy/girl friends - Went exploring and planned my self-development, mannerisms, presentation, communication skills etc. - Planning a 2 month solo trip around Europe next year to find myself and who I really am - Never bad mouthed my ex-girlfriend to any of my friends - Did wide reading about life/relationships/philosophy etc. - Spent more time with my family and friends - Have taken the mindset that life is too short to be sad over someone who doesn't like / appreciate you / be with you, I am still young and should move on and find things I enjoy doing and make myself the happiest I can be. Things that set me back and hurt me like crazy: - From April to June 2015, I contacted her ONCE and met up with her ONCE. This ended really badly with her basically telling me to not talk to her again until I am over her. - I sent her an angry text June 2015 shortly after this unable to control my emotions and hurt. - No contact once again from June 2015 all the way to September 2015 - I broke no contact by text sending a tester message a few days before our supposed anniversary to check in to see if she still had feelings because I was still missing her like crazy and a part of me believed that she still had something there for me. The reason why I thought like this was because: 1. She still had some of my belongings which she never returned or asked to return 2. She never changed her Facebook profile picture which matches with mine 3. Ever since I unblocked her on Facebook, she has been posting pictures of her having nice dinners with herself and a mutual friend (maybe trying to make me jealous??), but no posts prior to unblocking her... 4. I bumped into her twice accidentally in public and she turned to see me because she knew it was my unique car sound / car model before I drove off. - Stalked her Facebook from Sept 2015 - November 2015 - As a result of all this, I tried to meet up with her + unblocked & added her on Facebook thinking that I was truly over her and wanted to be her friend and to see where that would go. - I texted her telling her I was over her and wished we could be friends. She replied that she was happy that I was over her and she had moved on as well. - Unfortunately during our text exchanges, she broke the news to me that she was seeing her new boyfriend which came as a HUGE shock to me, because while I was pining over her, she had already replaced me. - I then texted her saying it would be bad if we met up because she has a boyfriend, and told her to have fun. I then did no contact forever, thinking that it was over and I needed to seriously move the hell on. - 3 weeks later (October 2015), she sends me this extremely random text late at 11pm asking me if she had cancelled her gym membership last year or not.... I took the bait and thought she was still interested, answered and asked her a few follow up questions which is when she went silent and didn't reply... - I then started organising meet ups with mutual friends (November 2015) in which she said she would come to via mutual friends group in Facebook, having being in no contact for almost another month or so she randomly texts me on the day of the dinner meet up saying that she had double booked herself and had an early start the next day so she couldn't come. - I replied, "no worries, I'll catch up with you soon" hoping to end it at that. - She then bombarded me with questions about how I was (which I replied with cold but polite answers) and what I was doing these days, she kept asking questions, so I got hooked on and texted her back and forth for the next couple of days. - After this, we were back into no contact for a while. And a part of me wanted to believe that this new "boyfriend" of hers was made up all to make me jealous etc. Then.......in early December 2015.....I found out the hard way during our next mutual friends outing, when I asked her to come and hang out with friends, she told me "can't because she has already got plans with friends". - I replied "no worries, catch up with you soon" not expecting a reply. - At the end of dinner on the same day with mutual friends, I get a random text from her to say that her car had ran out of fuel on the freeway. I then offer to help her and bring her fuel. She politely declined saying that a road assistance company was coming to help her with fuel in 2 hours. I told her thats too long as it was already 11pm at night and that I would get there in 20 minutes. - I bought fuel from the petrol station, I then drove there for the first time and overshot her car on the freeway, forcing me to take a massive loop to get back to where her car was. The second time, when I actually got to her car, another car was parked behind her car. I got out thinking it was too late to pull out now, with my heart pounding through my chest. She awkwardly introduces this other person "hi XXX meet my boyfriend YYY".... I awkwardly make polite conversation with him and act all nice and everything. He was already helping her refuel her car. I felt like a goddamn loser with the fuel that I bought in my car for nothing.... I then wish them both a good night politely. Then, after her car starts, I drive off swearing to myself never to talk to her ever again with tears of hurt running down my face. - An hour later, she texts me saying "thank you for stopping by and making sure I was okay". I reply "no worries, have a good night". - That was my last interaction I had with her a month ago. Christmas and New Years have passed with silence from both ends... - To note in between all these months: I also helped her write her cover letter last month for her job position at her work and also sent her various support material throughout her study to help her because I thought I was being nice... My issues: - I cannot get her out of my head, no matter what I am doing, where I am, what time of the day it is, even if I am sleeping, once a fortnight I would get a nightmare of us being together / broken etc. - A few of my close friends / work colleagues have transferred to her workplace and I feel so jealous that they get to be close to her whereas I am stuck all the way in the middle of nowhere with noone being a loner. - I feel as if she is moving on in her life and that she has it all happening for her (dating a new rich doctor, hired by a high class hospital very close to her home, her being extremely pretty and attractive and loved by everyone etc.)... Me on the other hand: I am working 2 hours from my home in the middle nowhere 6 days a week, with no one to really see (as my workplace is quite small), I don't feel as if I am as attractive as she is, I feel like I am a scumbag compared to her and nobody really cares about me.... and I am still battling my demons from many months ago, I am trying my hardest in giving up all hope that we would one day get together and trying my best to move on with my life. I am forcing myself to think positive and believe that there are better women out there who will actually care the same for me. - Most days I will feel quite low and sad about my life with nothing much to look forward to, even though my emotional override centre is forcing me to do one thing after the next just to get through the days, weeks and months. - I have various highs and lows, one moment thinking that she was not the right girl, and the next, getting really sad through my own thoughts and what we could have been. - I sometimes still wish it would be me and her in the end. - I am still crying at least once a week or so whenever I feel really sad over this girl and cannot seem to get her out of my head and feel indifferent indefinitely. - I feel selfish and silly for hating on her in that she has succeeded in her life without me finding a rich doctor at her workplace and securing a highly competitive job at her workplace. Yet at the same time, I try to force myself to be happy for her because I want the best for her. I try to be happy for that she has found love with someone else that is not me, I try to force myself to be happy for her that she has secured her competitive job position and she is ready for the next stage of her life without me. Why are my feelings for her so conflicting...? Can someone give me any suggestions? I guess it only hurts this much for the past 9 months only because she meant a lot to me. I am starting to think that I will never actually get over her, I will only learn to live without her and deal with the pain of the loss In any case, the no contact continues.... Edited January 1, 2016 by imbax
D.r.e Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 Why are you breaking no contact? Even checking her Facebook is breaking NC. Look at how it let's you manufacture reasons to contact her. My gf left me 1 month ago, I haven't really heard from her since except an email over 2 weeks ago. I can see myself in the same boat you're in many months down the road. You seem to do the same thing I am and create false hope. The girl you dated is dead. You need to mourn it but not pine over her. Take her off the pedestal. Why is she so great in the first place? What do you really feel she does for you that keeps you pining for her?
Strength in Healing Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 You aren't over her because you won't let yourself get over her. And a critical mistake you and so many guys make is being a "nice guy". I would've flipped on her for not telling you her bf was already there or coming to refuel. She sounds like an idiot that loves drama and attention and you make an easy target. Stop reaching out to her, stop stalking her online, and for God's sake stop putting her on a damn pedestal. I doubt she was as good looking or as loved as your mind has built her up to be. You want to be hung up on her. Look at your damn signature. Very unnecessary. You need to find confidence and a back bone. Nothing less attractive than a guy who never stands up for himself. "No worries" in every text. Hell no. Start the worrying all around and fire things up in the future. It's okay to stand up for yourself and say how you feel. 2
Author imbax Posted January 2, 2016 Author Posted January 2, 2016 I was just speaking to a friend wondering why I am not over her and he told me 9 months is still a very very short time, especially since I had been with her for almost 4 years.
Author imbax Posted January 2, 2016 Author Posted January 2, 2016 Why are you breaking no contact? Even checking her Facebook is breaking NC. Look at how it let's you manufacture reasons to contact her. My gf left me 1 month ago, I haven't really heard from her since except an email over 2 weeks ago. I can see myself in the same boat you're in many months down the road. You seem to do the same thing I am and create false hope. The girl you dated is dead. You need to mourn it but not pine over her. Take her off the pedestal. Why is she so great in the first place? What do you really feel she does for you that keeps you pining for her? To be honest, I am not too sure why she is so great.
Draper Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 - Have taken the mindset that life is too short to be sad over someone who doesn't like / appreciate you / be with you, I am still young and should move on and find things I enjoy doing and make myself the happiest I can be. My friend, you may recognize that as the best mindset but you haven't taken it. It sounds like your stuck rolling with the tides here, so I think you really need to make a declaration that you're better than this. Stop the facebook checking, throw out or hide everything that reminds you of her, cut all avenues of communication, and decide that you're going to go out and be better than this. You don't need to feel bad for hating her, just don't dwell on it too much. At the end of the day she left on her own and it sounds like she left a good guy so you don't have to feel bad. I know it's hard, but the only way is to let her go and focus on building yourself back up.
Author imbax Posted January 2, 2016 Author Posted January 2, 2016 My friend, you may recognize that as the best mindset but you haven't taken it. It sounds like your stuck rolling with the tides here, so I think you really need to make a declaration that you're better than this. Stop the facebook checking, throw out or hide everything that reminds you of her, cut all avenues of communication, and decide that you're going to go out and be better than this. You don't need to feel bad for hating her, just don't dwell on it too much. At the end of the day she left on her own and it sounds like she left a good guy so you don't have to feel bad. I know it's hard, but the only way is to let her go and focus on building yourself back up. Thank you for your words, it has made me feel a bit better about myself. For now, I am just keeping strict no contact and see where this takes me again. I think it is better for me that way.
Author imbax Posted January 3, 2016 Author Posted January 3, 2016 Can anyone else tell me if it is normal for me to still be sad over my ex girlfriend 9months down the track?
Sar112 Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 I think it's perfectly normal. You're doing a lot of the right things so please don't be too hard on yourself. You just need to stop all contact and that includes checking social media. You are making yourself way too available for her to truly believe that you are over her, and it's only once she starts believing that, that she will start realising what it is she has lost. I know it's not easy - I am trying to do the same at the moment. I think it's not wanting them to think that you have simply forgotten about them that makes it hard, because you don't want to think that they will do the same. I can't imagine a future with anyone else at the moment and I cry almost every night about it (granted it's only been around 2 1/2 months) - but even when I do try talking to other guys, it just doesn't feel 'right'. They can be the nicest guys too - kind, successful, generous - trouble is my mind at the moment just keeps telling me - 'they're not him, so you'll never have the same connection'. Im guessing that's how you're feeling too? I'm not sure how to get over this stage either, and would welcome any tips. Hoping that it will just be a case of giving it time. I know previously, the only time I managed to feel truly ok again was once I had met someone else who I felt 'that' connection with - once this was around the 9 month stage, the other time it took around two years - though my feelings did fade during this time. I wish you luck. It's a horrible way to be left feeling - and I know it feels like there is no escape atm. Just keep going. You can do it.
K2z Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 Can anyone else tell me if it is normal for me to still be sad over my ex girlfriend 9months down the track? Absolutely normal. I fully expect to be quite sad about my ex for years to come.
drseuss Posted January 3, 2016 Posted January 3, 2016 I think from reading everything you have done I am not surprised your struggling , a drug addict will not get clean if they surround them self with their drug and take small amounts of it regularly and look at it online all the time You might as well wipe the slate clean as of 1st if Jan 2016 and go REAL no contact ! thats no fb no texting no stalking no nothing ! Delete pictures and her number . She is totaly done with you to the point age has moved on with a new man In 2 months if you stick to nc you will be a world away from where you are now , I had like 3 fb slips in the past 5 months of nc and that's it and let me tell you each one really set me back , I had one recently and that's why I'm back on here so what you have done must be a killer !!! Chin up and start marching forward
Author imbax Posted January 7, 2016 Author Posted January 7, 2016 Hey guys thanks for all the support. Last night, I found out from a friend this she has been bad mouthing me. Her friends told my friend that they think that "she deserves better" meaning I was not good enough for her. Apparently I am also this "angry guy who is antisocial and cannot get along with people" Why must an ex girlfriend who left me also create havoc and bad mouth me when I didn't even bad mouth her?
DrMario Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 It usually takes me about a year to forget about somebody completely and move on, providing I strictly maintain no contact, maybe a little bit longer before seeing an ex with somebody else wouldn't bother me, but that's just me, I would only really worry about myself if I wasn't getting on with my life and enjoying it somewhat at that point, sadly for me, I don't have the mental strength to maintain contact or friendships with an ex once they have moved on from the relationship, I don't want to know how they are doing, what they are doing, or if they even think about me or not, it's just too difficult to approach, and when it comes to social media, my advice is, stay away from it, I would just to be tempted to check up on an ex and wreck my healing progress because who knows what I might be, she may be having a grand time without me, pictures all around, there could be a new man in her life sitting on my throne, you just never know and that I wgt I feel somebody who is too close to the break up should remain in the dark, away from all of that.
diamondgirl Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 Hi imbax, I remember you from a few months back. After reading your post, it is so clear to me that the reason you haven't been able to move on is because you haven't allowed yourself. We all can get addicted to being in the "breakup mindset". All that you have left of your ex now is obsessive thoughts about the breakup and you don't want to let go of that subconsciously because its the last thing tying you to her. The reason you haven't moved on is because you continue to contact her. You continue to talk and think if you wait a certain amount of time to reach out things will be different. Who cares if she's talking badly about you? You need to remind yourself that the relationship is over and she can't hurt you anymore so any hurt you feel now is your own fault for letting yourself go there. I also believe your mindset with NC has been problematic. Choosing to "go NC" feel like kind of a strategy to me. You should just be of the mindset that she broke up with you, has moved on, is dating someone else, and isn't even nice to you, so why should you even want to talk to her? Every time you talk to her its like taking multiple steps backwards. Every time you feel tempted, you need to remember that. In my opinion theres no "normal" time to be upset over a break up but I think you would be feeling tremendously better if you had gone NC from day 1. Think of how you'll feel if you actually go 9 months without talking to her. Moving on is absolutely a mindset. You need to somehow internally flip the switch and decide youre going to cut her out because you WANT to move on because you deserve more (which you do!) I was weak with my ex boyfriend for about 6 months post breakup and then I just willed myself to stop obsessing, stop reaching out, and accept his new relationship. I got very involved in a new TV show and when the obsessive thoughts would start, I would watch and get engaged with that. In my opinion its ok to let yourself sit there and obsess for a few months but after 9 months, you need to actively force yourself to think of other things. Think of your brain as a remote control and literally tell yourself to change the channel when she's in your mind. Only YOU can control how and when you will get over her. Breakups are hard, especially when its your first love, but until you truly let go, you wont move on and find happiness elsewhere. I know how hard it is but at this point, she's made up her mind and its not a choice.
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