hopeless_sap Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 First post, and I almost feel dumb posting this, but what the hell why not . My question is pretty much exactly as simple as it sounds. How often do you, an adult, keep in contact with your friends? __________________________ Background/intro, skip if not interested. I was always a bit of a loner when I was a kid, I always felt like either I wasn't cool/friendly enough to have many friends or even if I was I was always afraid to initiate any contact (be the one to arrange a "playdate" or later on meeting up to hang out, etc.). Then I went to boarding school for high school, hung out with people a lot more, but I'm unsure if it was because I became a more social/sociable person or if it's just because I live in a dorm with most of them. College, aka present day, is similar to high school, but just much larger scale. Freshman year I hung out with most of my floormates. After that I just hang out with people I'm in classes with or in clubs/extracurriculars with. That said since I have classes and club meetings every week I still see them multiple times a week. ___________________________ As I'm getting ready to graduate from college in a few months and enter the real world, I'm just curious how friendships work when you're no longer forced to see people all the time (from school, living together in a dorm, etc.). I understand that this means I'll have to initiate meeting up far more often, I'm just not sure how often is the "norm". Do I meet up with friends every week or two on weekends? Do I meet them every day after work at the bar? Is it normal to spend some weekends just bumming out watching tv and playing videogames with close to zero interpersonal contact with anybody? Furthermore, where am I supposed to make my friends? The workplace is the logical next step after school/college, but it's different obviously, especially since I might not be working with many people my age. So do I make friends from other extracurricular activites I get involved in (say, a church group, summer sports league, reading club, local YMCA?)? I guess you could say I'm just very confused about how being a social human being is going to work once school is removed. ____________________________________ As for why I'm asking this here instead of some other message board/subreddit on the internet. Well, I'm currently having some minor concerns with dating/relationships, which I realized might be founded in my confusion of friendships, so if I can learn more about how the latter works, it might help me in regards to the former.
Michelle ma Belle Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 I think it depends on the friend and your relationship. I'm older than you and my best girlfriend and I have been friends for more than 35 years. We're the sisters we never had. Our lives are very busy between work and family and although we talk frequently, we only get out every couple of weeks for a girl's night and that suits us just fine. As for other friends, who are a very small select group I can truly call my "real" friends, it varies greatly and (again) often depends on available free time as well because we're all mothers and career women. Friendship is about quality not quantity (be it number of friends or how much time you see them per week). When you have great friends, weeks, months even years can go by and it won't matter one bit.
preraph Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Some people never hear from their college friends again. It depends how close you become with them. Like I made a couple new close friends in college that carried over to be roommates or things like that after college. Otherwise, all those people lining the dorm hallway on a Friday night passing a doobie, never saw them again because we didn't really have a personal relationship. Once people get jobs, they have to cut back their partying and there's usually some period of time after when some friends are still partying while others have to get up early in the morning and so some friendships fall apart or at least hanging out lessens. Hanging out seems to be for the very young and even at my most popular in my late 20s, I had 2 jobs and I went to concerts a few times a week but as far as sitting around -- I'd use that time for sleeping mostly. It really depends how close you are to a person. If you're just acquaintances, it might not continue. If you're really close and confide in each other and equally seek each other out for company, that should carry over.
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Totally normal to spend some weekends just cutting yourself off from the world, recharging by watching TV or reading or pampering yourself or doing housework! I love nights in to myself having to interact with nobody. It means you're comfortable with your own company which is a wonderful thing, as it means you don't always need others to be happy and secure, it stops you from making stupid choices with company you keep just because you'd prefer to be with anyone rather than be alone. Most friendships settle naturally into patterns depending on where you are in your life, things change up when someone gets into a relationship, marriage, divorce, kids, new jobs, relocations etc. however, if you have never really found friendships come easily to you, you may have to make more effort at first to keep things going. Maybe focus on making sure you stay in touch with the people who mean most to you a couple times per week over text, see if people wanna meet up once every couple weeks, see if the people you contact also contact you off their own back too and also initiate meeting up. You don't want friendships where it's 100% you putting in the effort either. As for what's normal, it really depends on the friends I think. It's rare that a month goes by without seeing the three closest friends I have in the area, usually I'd say I see them every couple of weeks, for a few hours. Either going round to their house, or going for coffee. Things like meals out are more for special occasions, someone's birthday, and we try get together for a little trip somewhere or a weekend together a few times per year. Other friends who are further afield, I might see three or four times per year. It just depends... for example, I'm in a cohabiting relationship so I get a lot of social contact from my partner, and I speak to people all day long at work, so I really don't mind if a week goes by and I haven't specifically spent any social time with a friend, when I'm busy zipping between work, piano lessons, voluntary work and so forth. I recommend trying to to build a varied social circle, not just one close group of friends but several, maybe from different areas of your life... the friends you make volunteering, the buddies you are closest to at work, the old friends from school or college, more exposure to lots of different people and it's less risky than putting all your eggs in one basket. But friendships are weird, you can't always force them, it's normal for some to falter too, this past year I've let go of about two or three previously close friendships because they were no longer bringing positivity into my life, just negativity. I don't mean that those people were bringing me down with their troubles, far from it, I just mean I no longer enjoyed seeing them, I dreaded it, they were childish and immature, or they crossed a line that friends shouldn't cross. It's not a failure for a friendships to come to an end. Personally I don't know anyone who sees their friends on a daily basis at the bar after work, or even every single week, not when you work and have families and relationships and hobbies. Maybe it'd be a good idea to focus on seeing a friend or group of friends once per week either midweek after work or doing something cool at the weekend, varying who you see, while also striking out on your own and doing things where you can meet new people, like meetup groups, exercise classes, hobby classes, or volunteering. You never know when you're going to make a new friend. This past year I made one brand new amazing friend that I'm so grateful for, and the year before another. I have lots of amazing friends and find if I make one new genuinely good friend in a year, that's pretty good going. Someone who I can sit and shoot the breeze with for a while and never get bored, whose life I'm interested in, who I feel I can tell anything to, who I want to celebrate with and also be there for when things get rough. Sorry that was a bit of a ramble haha! Although lots of people will put technology down, it's invaluable for maintaining friendships. It's brilliant being able to fire whatsapps and snapchats at your friends a few times per week to stay in touch about your lives without the pressure of having to find that time to meet up or sit on the phone, it keeps you connected in little meaningful ways. Of course it doesn't replace actually seeing them but it's a good way of keeping the relationship going when things are busy. Play it by ear. Try make sure you can pick up on signals, i.e. if you're the only person in the relationship who is making the first move each time you speak, or if you've asked someone to hang out a couple times and they've been too busy and not suggested an alternative, you'll want to back off in case things are busy at their end or you're seeming a little clingy or desperate. Always keep your eyes open and don't be afraid to swap contact details with a new cool person you run across, the friend I made last year was in those exact circumstances, we sat near him at a concert and got on really well, had such a laugh and a chat about our lives while waiting for the band to start, at the end as we were saying goodbye he suggested swapping facebook details so we did and we've become such firm friends, met up a few times for days out, been to gigs away together, if he hadn't put himself out there and suggested we stay in touch we'd have lost a really great new friend.
carhill Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 My close circle of friends, all now retired, have spread around a bit so we're not in personal contact, meaning getting together in person, as often as in the past. However, generally, phone or internet contact happens one way or another weekly to monthly. My best friend and I are pretty chatty, usually in touch a few times a week and we'll go to lunch or dinner whenever in the same town together. Yeah, I've lived alone a lot of my life, except when I was married, and, well, work is 100' away and most of the time there weren't employees so it was solitude in the middle of the country. Still, friendships could be built and maintained. I met my now best friend when I turned his company down for credit. Heh. True story. That was 22 years ago while, yup, living alone and working alone. We all make choices. If you want friends, be a friend. If you want to be alone, be alone. People, generally, aren't going to chase us down. Relationships are voluntary.
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