zera Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 So my boyfriend and i have been together for 6 months now and the relationship has been pretty solid so far. I thought we were doing really good until i found what i did. I know i shouldnt have been snooping, but im the type to be jealous and insecure;ugh i know i know. But anyways my boyfriend has been out of the country for the last 2 weeks so me being me i logged into his facebook and looked at his search history and found quite a few girls he was looking up, a few i know he has either been with before or has liked. Mind you hes not friends with anyone of these girls in real life anymore or on facebook. So i thought it was kinda weird he would intentionally look them up. Well me being crazy like i am i put the pieces together and realized he was jacking off to these girls pictures. When i confront him about it he admitted to it and says hes so sorry and it was only an accident and blah blah blah. How do you accidentally jack off to girls we both know? not just once but a few time too. for me this really hurts. One of the girls he was jacking off too i know for a fact they used to sleep together. So how should i feel about this? Im 100% ok with him looking at porn, cuz thats more unrealistic he doesnt actually know those girls on the pornos. The girls he was jacking off to on facebook he 100% knows who they are. I understand having fantasies too, imagining certain things. But to actually go check out her pictures and do that, i feel is wrong. Is it? Am i just over reacting? Can we move past this. Cuz right now im extremely hurt i feel like im not enough for him, and i fear hes always day dreaming about these other girls. *** also i have in fact sent him 'dirty pictures' while hes away but he still has too look at these other girls??? is there anyway i can justify this? 1
67Chevelle Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 I agree that his actions are a betrayal to you and your relationship with him. He should be jerking off to your pics, and thinking about what he's gonna do to you when he gets home.
Author zera Posted January 1, 2016 Author Posted January 1, 2016 is it really a big a deal as im making it though? i cant figure out if it was just a really stupid thing that happened and he didn't mean anything by it or if he somewhere is having feelings for this girl? I told him i could not forgive him, that it broke any trust and intimacy we had between us and he keeps begging for forgiveness. but everytime i ask him to tell me why he did it he just keeps saying he loves me and wants me and doesnt think about other girls and it was mistake. he cant give me any real explanation. would i be naive to believe this? Im pretty much 100% positive he has never actually physically cheated on me, but is what he has done any better? Im feeling incredibly low right now, the one person who swears up and down they love me could do this? Doesn't sound like love to me at all. But maybe im just crazy and havnet had enough life insight to see this is the small thing and can be moved past. I do love him, but ive learned to love myself more. Do i deserve better, or would a second chance for him be reasonable...?
Anderlie Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 I think you should stop snooping through your boyfriend's private things, apologise and commit to working on your insecurity. Frankly I think it's pretty awful of you to admit that you are jealous and insecure then basically shrug, go 'oh well, can't help it I gotta go through his things!' and then make your partner the bad guy for your transgressions. You don't own your boyfriend's imagination and you don't get to police his private habits. If he's not talking with these girls it really has nothing to do with you. 1
Author zera Posted January 1, 2016 Author Posted January 1, 2016 lol but it is my business when hes fantasizing of ****ing his ex... i dont believe it would be ok if i was looking at pictures of my ex and getting off to it. but hey i guess i have morals of some sort...
Qboro90 Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 Your BF is an idiot for ever admitting he was jerking off to the girls. Rookie mistake. Not sure why that even came up, he could've just played it off as social curiosity and Facebook clicking. Everyone's done that. How "jerking off" even came up in your talk with him is very odd and makes no sense. If he's dumb enough to admit to that then I guarantee you he's not smart enough to ever cheat on you. You embarrassed him, which was prolly justified. You also snooped which he could throw in your face. If you never questioned his loyalty before and he still doesn't do anything other than solo masturbtion every now and then to other girls then you were looking to find a problem and now you've found on. Next time, either don't snoop and be happy when things are good, or don't date anyone. If you're ok with him jerking off to porn then you don't have much of an argument if he's jerking off to girls on fb. As long as he's not reaching out to them or communicating with them to make it real then it's still just a mental stimulant
Anderlie Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 (edited) lol but it is my business when hes fantasizing of ****ing his ex... i dont believe it would be ok if i was looking at pictures of my ex and getting off to it. but hey i guess i have morals of some sort... No it's not your business what fantasy material your boyfriend uses to j**K off. As I said you don't own his imagination and I would say the exact same thing to him if the issue was reversed. It's got nothing to do with morals because he's not actually sleeping with them or even talking to them. One day hopefully he'll realise this himself and stop apologising. ETA the irony of you talking morals while blithely brushing off your complete invasion of his privacy is not lost on me... Edited January 1, 2016 by Anderlie 1
Author zera Posted January 1, 2016 Author Posted January 1, 2016 is it really snooping when he gave me open access? before we got together he knew i had heard things about him and he told me i could trust him and had nothing to hide and gave me his information. i never once asked for it, he willingly gave it. and yes i admit my curiosity got the better of me i know i shouldn't have but i did and nothing will change the fact that it happend and i now have this information.
SwordofFlame Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 OP, are you jealous that these women he's jerking off to are hotter than you? Who he jerks off to is none of your business, if that's all he's doing is jerking off to these women.
Anderlie Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 No nothing will change the fact that you snooped, what can change is how you work through it. Realise what you did is wrong. Apologise. Ask him to change his passwords so you no longer have access. Accept that people have wild and ranging imaginations that will fire off in all directions and it's ok. Work on your self esteem so you can learn to trust your partner.
67Chevelle Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 Accept that people have wild and ranging imaginations that will fire off in all directions and it's ok. OK until those imaginations play out in the real world
Author zera Posted January 1, 2016 Author Posted January 1, 2016 Im concerned that theres more to it then a physical stimulant is my entire point. We both know these girls in real life, its one thing to have fantasies but i guess im just creeped out he would need fully clothed girls on facebook for a mental stimulant. Sounds to me its more than just a means to get off...
SwordofFlame Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 OK until those imaginations play out in the real world So the guy is guilty for just having these fantasies? Sounds like we should subject everyone to a lie detector test and then throw people in jail before they commit a possible future crime. 2
67Chevelle Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 (edited) So the guy is guilty for just having these fantasies? Sounds like we should subject everyone to a lie detector test and then throw people in jail before they commit a possible future crime. You're missing the point, or you are guilty by association and trying to justify his actions. If you had a girlfriend, and you found out she was masturbating to a bunch of her old boyfriends, or friends of yours how would you feel? it has NOTHING to do with the fact that no physical contact between them has occurred. One of the key points to a solid respectable relationship is how your actions affect your SO. As well as doing something behind their back that you would never do in front of them. Its called respect. And unfortunately too many males(notice I dont call them men) think that if they can hide it from their SO then its OK. One of the best examples of this, is something I saw on a talk show once. The host asked the audience...."How many of you totally trust your significant other"? He saw that just about everyone raised their hands. Then the host told them... "OK hand your phone over to your SO right now, if you have a true honest relationship with them, there will be no hesitation on your part, because you have nothing to hide". Edited January 1, 2016 by 67Chevelle 1
Anderlie Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 One of the key points to a solid respectable relationship is how your actions affect your SO And at what point do you get a reasonable expectation of privacy from your SO? How far are they allowed into your mind and private actions? My husband might be looking at old pics in his spare time he might not, I don't know and I don't care. He owns his imagination and he owns his sexuality, I'm just thankful he's decided to share the important parts of it with me. It's such misdirection to do the whole 'hand over your phone if you have nothing to hide' shtick as well. Of course people would be hesitant to hand it over, it's their personal device. I know for a fact I haven't done anything wrong but if my husband wanted my phone he would get a swift 'no way!' in response because even in a relationship you are entitled to keep some things to yourself. It just seems like all these silly little tricks we employ to supposedly build trust just show how little of it we have, not to mention it's enabling the OP to continue abhorrent behaviour. 2
SwordofFlame Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 You're missing the point, or you are guilty by association and trying to justify his actions. If you had a girlfriend, and you found out she was masturbating to a bunch of her old boyfriends, or friends of yours how would you feel? it has NOTHING to do with the fact that no physical contact between them has occurred. One of the key points to a solid respectable relationship is how your actions affect your SO. As well as doing something behind their back that you would never do in front of them. Its called respect. And unfortunately too many males(notice I dont call them men) think that if they can hide it from their SO then its OK. One of the best examples of this, is something I saw on a talk show once. The host asked the audience...."How many of you totally trust your significant other"? He saw that just about everyone raised their hands. Then the host told them... "OK hand your phone over to your SO right now, if you have a true honest relationship with them, there will be no hesitation on your part, because you have nothing to hide". I wouldn't want to want to know who she thinks of when she masturbates. I certainly would never ask, wouldn't snoop and wouldn't want her to tell me. People are not defined by their thoughts, but by their actions. If you go looking for red flags by snooping, odds are you are going to find some. I would think most people have had impure thoughts or fantasies at some point. What really matters is if you act on them. 2
67Chevelle Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 if my husband wanted my phone he would get a swift 'no way!' in response because even in a relationship you are entitled to keep some things to yourself. I agree that snooping is wrong. I never said it was OK. I simply addressed what her BF did was wrong. Your husband shouldn't have any suspicions based on your actions that would cause him to want to snoop through your phone, I get that too. But there shouldn't be anything on your phone that you need to hide from your husband either. Having an SO demand that they snoop through your phone, and you leaving your phone sitting out because you have absolutely nothing to hide, and knowing your husband good enough that he wouldnt snoop through it anyways are two totally different things.
67Chevelle Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 (edited) I wouldn't want to want to know who she thinks of when she masturbates. I certainly would never ask, wouldn't snoop and wouldn't want her to tell me. People are not defined by their thoughts, but by their actions. If you go looking for red flags by snooping, odds are you are going to find some. I would think most people have had impure thoughts or fantasies at some point. What really matters is if you act on them. I agree to a point. I would never ask a new girlfriend about her sexual past because for the most part it has no bearing on me and her in the now. Who you are now it what defines you. The key though is that he admitted to it. If she snooped and found out that he actually had sex behind her back with one of his ex-gf's than should the evidence be thrown out because she had to snoop to get it? Let me update my analysis. Snooping with no reason to, just because you are insecure, and you're "one of those people" that always snoops because you have trust issues is wrong. But if you have a pretty valid reason for it, then theres a certain line where it can be crossed. Imagine how many cheaters that would never get caught if their SO didnt snoop. Edited January 1, 2016 by 67Chevelle
Anderlie Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 If she snooped and found out that he actually had sex behind her back with one of his ex-gf's than should the evidence be thrown out because she had to snoop to get it? Two totally different things. The OP hasn't been cheated on, not remotely. She's created this situation by her own insecurity and refuses to take responsibility for it. The boyfriend has admitted it, so what? He hasn't been unfaithful.
67Chevelle Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 Two totally different things. The OP hasn't been cheated on, not remotely. She's created this situation by her own insecurity and refuses to take responsibility for it. The boyfriend has admitted it, so what? He hasn't been unfaithful. If this is an impulsive issue where he repeatedly masturbates to these other women on FB, then I think its an issue. Especially if he is substituting these women for sexual contact with his gf instead.
Anderlie Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 He was out of the country for two weeks, dude was just killing time until he got home by the sounds of it. 1
67Chevelle Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 Two totally different things. The OP hasn't been cheated on, not remotely. She's created this situation by her own insecurity and refuses to take responsibility for it. The boyfriend has admitted it, so what? He hasn't been unfaithful. Its still a trust and respect issue. Just because no physical contact occurred doesnt mean its OK. Like the OP stated earlier, I kind of agree that if it was just some random babe on a porn site that had a great body, thats kind of falls into the human nature realm. But he is masturbating to ex-gf's. He is reliving experiences/fantasies with these girls that he had been with in the past. Oogling over a random stranger and not acting on it is totally different than repeatedly masturbating behind the back of your current gf to girls you used to date. Think of it....you and your husband go to the same gym. You and your husband become good friends with the woman that works the front desk. You find out one day that your husband has been repeatedly masturbating to her FB pics behind your back. Just about any red-blooded wife is going to have an issue with that. I'm not saying masturbation is wrong. I'm saying the 'connection" to the women(ex gf's) is wrong.
SwordofFlame Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 I will concede that this is only problem if it's effecting OP's sex life negatively. But if they're having great sex consistently, I really don't see a problem.
Anderlie Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 Think of it....you and your husband go to the same gym. You and your husband become good friends with the woman that works the front desk. You find out one day that your husband has been repeatedly masturbating to her FB pics behind your back. Just about any red-blooded wife is going to have an issue with that. Sword has already said it best: "I wouldn't want to want to know who he thinks of when he masturbates. I certainly would never ask, wouldn't snoop and wouldn't want him to tell me. People are not defined by their thoughts, but by their actions. If you go looking for red flags by snooping, odds are you are going to find some. I would think most people have had impure thoughts or fantasies at some point. What really matters is if you act on them. .
Poutrew Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 It sounded like he too - quickly agreed to your conclusion, OP. Do you think he was so quick to admit that what he was doing was jacking off because the truth about what he was really doing was worse? I'd be breathing a sigh of relief if my girlfriend not only caught me, but also provided me with an excuse I could use that I know she would believe. About the philosophical ramifications of snooping - I readily admit my opinion is quite different from most of the other posters on this BB. I have no problem admitting that I would use any technological means at my disposal to find out what my GF was really up to if I had a reason, or even if I didn't have a reason. So, I am telling you - do not apologize for snooping. You did for whatever reason. It's good enough!
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