Guest Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 I guess here is my long and drawn out story, and it probably belongs on Springer: I met this co-worker a little over a year ago. She was separated from her husband and living with her boyfriend that she hooked up with while she was on strike from her job. She had one child from her marriage, and from what she said is that the boyfriend would watch her kid while she was working two jobs and one thing let to another and he moved in. This was about two months after they began dating. I started working with her about the same time that she moved in with her boyfriend, and I really wasn't that attracted to her at first. We became friends, and pretty much became inseparable at work. We would work along side each other are full shifts, then we would talk on the phone and hour or two after we both went to our own homes. About two months after our friendship began we got romantically involved. (no intercourse, alot of touching, kissing, holding, etc) In June, she discovered that she was pregnant. She told me that she could no longer see me, due to the fact that she didn't believe in abortion and that she felt obligated to stay with the baby's father. That lasted about two weeks, and we started back as friends for a month or so then it turned back into the same type of emotional and romantic affair as before. I shortly got transferred to another store. but we maintained daily contact and we would see other about once a week. When she got pulled out of work early, we started seeing each other a couple of times a week, and we would talk on the phone about 20 hours a week. We would fight alot about her staying in the relationship with him, but that is the only thing we would argue about. That lasted until the first of the year, when I told her that I had enough of it, and that she needed to be honest with her boyfriend. She told me that if she did, and he didn't walk out that she was going to try to make things work between them. Also, since her child from the previous marriage was so attached to the boyfriend she didn't think she could do that to her son. Since he did not walk out, we didn't talk for a week or two. We started right back where we left off, and it continued until she had the baby in late March. A couple of weeks after she had the baby she told me that I was the guy that she wanted to be with, and she was going to work breaking it off with him. She told her mother and father about the situation, and they were dead against it because I am 35 and she is 23. She backed off the idea for about a week. She was coming over a several times a week to my house with the baby. The week of May 9th, she told me that she was definitely going to take a break from him, and see if she really wanted to be with him. I asked her if she wanted a break from me also, and she told me "no" that she already had taken several breaks from me, and that I was the guy that she wanted to be with. Later, in the week, she told me for the first time that she loved me, and how she wanted me to take her and her kids out on Halloween. We talked briefly on Saturday, and she told me that she was going to break it off with him by the end of the weekend. She also told me that she wish she had not made the mistake and stayed with him the previous year, because she wanted to be with me. On Sunday, I received a phone call from her crying that she never would talk to me again. I called back, and she told me that she almost screwed up her life because of me, and that when she started to tell him that she realized that she was in love with him. I heard him in the background asking if that was the a**h***. I had my sister call back, and she left a message for her to return my housekey to my sister's work. The next day her boyfriend returned it. This past week, I was speaking with a friend that knows somebody she works with. She told me that she was now engaged and going to get married soon. I called the person that she works with and talked to her a bit. The worker told me that she got engaged the day she was supposed to break it off with him. I was very hurt by the fact of how she ended it with me, since I really considered us best friends. The person that I know who works with her, spoke to her about that and the whole situation. She told the person that it was the only thing she could do as far as ending it with me, and it was too soon to call me to explain the situation. She also said that she couldn't understand why I wanted to be with her. She also said that she loves and cares for the baby's father, and she felt obligated to try to work it out, especially since her child is so attached to him. And, she feels a great weight was lifted from her chest. The person that works with her, along with another, doesn't feel it is going to last between them, and she doesn't think that I should move on completely. The person doesn't believe that she has the same spark and vibe that she did when she was around me. The worker has seen her and the boyfriend together, and also myself and her together and that is how the person is basing their conclusions. Since she has returned to work I am told that she is not her usual smart alec and fun loving self. She is rarely talking to people except to tell them that she is engaged. I guess I am confused by her beocming engaged, because she told me for the last year that she didn't know if she ever wanted to get married again, and that she definitely didn't want to get married for five or six years at the minimum. And I can't understand how she could rationaley make that decision to become engaged, the day that she started to break it off with him. Part of me wants to contact her about it, because to me its total insanity. The other thing that bothered me is that she told the co-worker that it is too soon to call me, this after telling me that she was never going to speak to me again. Is it too soon, because she needs to rid herself of the feelings for me? And the thing that confuses me the most is the fact that she really did take her time to come to the conclusion that she wanted to be with me, and she was going to end it with him. Months of friendship and being very intimate. (except intercourse) But, in less than 24hrs a complete 180 was done. I love and miss her alot, and I really don't know what to do, because my family and close friends tell me to just forget about her, but then the two women that work with her think that I need to stay around that I am the right guy for her.
Guest2 Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Originally posted by Guest1 I guess here is my long and drawn out story, and it probably belongs on Springer: Hi Guest! I am Guest too. Originally posted by Guest1 I met this co-worker a little over a year ago. She was separated from her husband and living with her boyfriend that she hooked up with while she was on strike from her job. She had one child from her marriage, and from what she said is that the boyfriend would watch her kid while she was working two jobs and one thing let to another and he moved in. This was about two months after they began dating. OK, so we are to understand that she moved in with her babysitter? I can see how that would be a convenient arrangement. Originally posted by Guest1 I started working with her about the same time she moved in with her boyfriend, and I really wasn't that attracted to her at first. We became friends, and pretty much became inseparable at work. We would work along side each other's full shifts, then we would talk on the phone an hour or two after we both went to our own homes. About two months after our friendship began we got romantically involved. (no intercourse, alot of touching, kissing, holding, etc) In June, she discovered that she was pregnant. She told me that she could no longer see me, due to the fact that she didn't believe in abortion and that she felt obligated to stay with the baby's father. That lasted about two weeks, and we started back as friends for a month or so then it turned back into the same type of emotional and romantic affair as before. I shortly got transferred to another store. but we maintained daily contact and would see other about once a week. When she got pulled out of work early, we started seeing each other a couple of times a week, and we would talk on the phone about 20 hours a week. We would fight alot about her staying in the relationship with him, but that is the only thing we would argue about. First, thank goodness no intercourse was involved. That is genius on your part because then you would be wrapped up in a drama of whether or not the baby is his or yours. Whew! Good you got past that one. A lot of women do not believe in abortion -- that's OK. What is curious though is that many of them are OK with extramarital sex (sex with a non spouse prior to legal divorce), sex without a committed relationship, and apparently they never, ever believe in birth control! Interesting that is... Originally posted by Guest1 That lasted until the first of the year, when I told her that I had enough of it, and that she needed to be honest with her boyfriend. She told me that if she did, and he didn't walk out that she was going to try to make things work between them. Also, since her child from the previous marriage was so attached to the boyfriend she didn't think she could do that to her son. Since he did not walk out, we didn't talk for a week or two. We started right back where we left off, and it continued until she had the baby in late March. A couple of weeks after she had the baby she told me that I was the guy that she wanted to be with, and she was going to work breaking it off with him. She told her mother and father about the situation, and they were dead against it because I am 35 and she is 23. She backed off the idea for about a week. She was coming over a several times a week to my house with the baby. The week of May 9th, she told me that she was definitely going to take a break from him, and see if she really wanted to be with him. I asked her if she wanted a break from me also, and she told me "no" that she already had taken several breaks from me, and that I was the guy that she wanted to be with. Later, in the week, she told me for the first time that she loved me, and how she wanted me to take her and her kids out on Halloween. We talked briefly on Saturday, and she told me that she was going to break it off with him by the end of the weekend. She also told me that she wish she had not made the mistake and stayed with him the previous year, because she wanted to be with me. So this great love relationship is dependent on how the boyfriend feels about it? Together if he walks; continued emotional affair if he doesn't? Wow! What a deal! How can I get me some of that????? You were snogging and fondling a woman you knew was pregnant by another man? Ick! All I can say is: must be love... Dude! She is a 23-year-old divorceé with 2 children fathered by 2 different men. I don't know if an affair broke up her first marriage (can you clarify that?) but she sure is cheating on the 2nd Dad. She is only 23 with this much baggage -- how much more baggage can she collect by 30? Do you really want to be next in line? Do you have children by other women? Are you dragging with you a line of ex-wives and lovers? Why is getting involved in this mess so attractive to you? Are you a rescuer? If you are single and unencumbered by this type of baggage, why do you want to introduce all these people (children, ex-husbands, ex-lovers) and the accompanying drama into your life? If you have it together now, you sure won't have it together after you successfully hook up with this confused and lost young woman! She will drain you dry financially, emotionally and mentally. Are you sure this is what you want? Originally posted by Guest1 On Sunday, I received a phone call from her crying that she never would talk to me again. I called back, and she told me that she almost screwed up her life because of me, and that when she started to tell him that she realized that she was in love with him. I heard him in the background asking if that was the a**h***. I had my sister call back, and she left a message for her to return my housekey to my sister's work. The next day her boyfriend returned it.'Nuff said. Originally posted by Guest1 This past week, I was speaking with a friend that knows somebody she works with. She told me that she was now engaged and going to get married soon. I called the person that she works with and talked to her a bit. The worker told me that she got engaged the day she was supposed to break it off with him. I was very hurt by the fact of how she ended it with me, since I really considered us best friends. The person that I know who works with her, spoke to her about that and the whole situation. She told the person that it was the only thing she could do as far as ending it with me, and it was too soon to call me to explain the situation. She also said that she couldn't understand why I wanted to be with her. She also said that she loves and cares for the baby's father, and she felt obligated to try to work it out, especially since her child is so attached to him. And, she feels a great weight was lifted from her chest. I agree with her! Listen -- really listen to her words here. Why do you want to be with her? It almost seems self-flagellation! Even she knows being with you would be doing you wrong. Originally posted by Guest1 The person that works with her, along with another, doesn't feel it is going to last between them, and she doesn't think that I should move on completely. The person doesn't believe that she has the same spark and vibe that she did when she was around me. The worker has seen her and the boyfriend together, and also myself and her together and that is how the person is basing their conclusions. Since she has returned to work I am told that she is not her usual smart alec and fun loving self. She is rarely talking to people except to tell them that she is engaged. I guess I am confused by her beocming engaged, because she told me for the last year that she didn't know if she ever wanted to get married again, and that she definitely didn't want to get married for five or six years at the minimum. And I can't understand how she could rationaley make that decision to become engaged, the day that she started to break it off with him. Part of me wants to contact her about it, because to me its total insanity. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.... She didn't want to remarry. Not willing to engage in that level of commitment with anyone. OK So is having a child with a person is less of a commitment? A child is not a pet. You can't decide to sell the child once it isn't 'cute' anymore and go get another. A child binds the parents together (normally) for the rest of that child's life which is usually (should the parents be fortunate) the remainder of the parents' lives. Is it really insanity to acknowledge the depth of connection and commitment there? Originally posted by Guest1 The other thing that bothered me is that she told the co-worker that it is too soon to call me, this after telling me that she was never going to speak to me again. Is it too soon, because she needs to rid herself of the feelings for me? And the thing that confuses me the most is the fact that she really did take her time to come to the conclusion that she wanted to be with me, and she was going to end it with him. Months of friendship and being very intimate. (except intercourse) But, in less than 24hrs a complete 180 was done. I love and miss her alot, and I really don't know what to do, because my family and close friends tell me to just forget about her, but then the two women that work with her think that I need to stay around that I am the right guy for her. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ... let's see ... Those who know you intimately and love you deeply, advise you to forget about her. Others who could be classed as her friends and would like for her to have a soft place to fall should the baby daddy situation not work out, advise you to hang in there. I wonder who has your best interests at heart here???? Where is your sense of self-preservation in all this?
westernxer Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 HAHAHAHA... sorry, I don't know what else to say. (The answer is so obvious it's laughing at you)
SoleMate Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 I love and miss her alot, and I really don't know what to do, because my family and close friends tell me to just forget about her, but then the two women that work with her think that I need to stay around that I am the right guy for her. Who understands and cares more about you, your life, your happiness...your friends and family, or the "two women you work with"? ANSWER: your friends and family. Please listen to them. I understand you had something with this girl, and it felt good. BOTH of you enjoyed it at some level. HOWEVER, it could not and can not last. She is not with you, she is with the baby's father. And since she has made that decision, with whatever difficulty, it is only decent for you to respect it. So you will need to tell her goodbye in your heart. Let the tears come, they will cleanse you.
Guest Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 She was on birth control at the time, but she was taking anti-biotics. "Dude! She is a 23-year-old divorceé with 2 children fathered by 2 different men. I don't know if an affair broke up her first marriage (can you clarify that?) but she sure is cheating on the 2nd Dad. She is only 23 with this much baggage -- how much more baggage can she collect by 30? Do you really want to be next in line? Do you have children by other women? Are you dragging with you a line of ex-wives and lovers? Why is getting involved in this mess so attractive to you? Are you a rescuer? " I don't believe an affair broke up the first marriage. I don't have any children, nor have I ever been married. Actually when I was in my early 20's, I dated several women with children, so I do believe that back then I had a tendency to be a rescuer. Then for the next 7 or 8 years, I dated all single women. About two years ago, I dated two women who both were divorced with children, and I left both relationships because I did not want to be encumbered. I felt that I was very happy with my freedom and not having to be responsible to anyone but myself. With this latest woman, I did not feel that it was an encumberance, and my attitude towards responsibility changed. "So is having a child with a person is less of a commitment? A child is not a pet. You can't decide to sell the child once it isn't 'cute' anymore and go get another. A child binds the parents together (normally) for the rest of that child's life which is usually (should the parents be fortunate) the remainder of the parents' lives. Is it really insanity to acknowledge the depth of connection and commitment there?" No, I would say its not insanity to acknowledge it, but I still don't understand how while she was pregnant with his child, she stated that she did not want to get married for five or six years, and then her mind was so suddenly changed. "Those who know you intimately and love you deeply, advise you to forget about her. Others who could be classed as her friends and would like for her to have a soft place to fall should the baby daddy situation not work out, advise you to hang in there. I wonder who has your best interests at heart here????" I would not class either of those women really as her friends, more than they are mine. One I have known for about twenty years, while the other one is actually very close friends to one of my friends which that friend is advising me to forget her. "You were snogging and fondling a woman you knew was pregnant by another man? Ick! All I can say is: must be love..." Yeah, I knew another guy that hooked up with this pregnant woman about ten years ago, and I had the same sentiment at that time: Ick. I couldn't understand what and why was he was doing it, but after my own situation I do now.
whichwayisup Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 This seems like an unhealthy situation right from the start. She thrives off high drama and honestly seems NOT to have her priorities really inorder. She led you on abit, giving you hope yet you stuck around and took it as well. She really had NO intention of breaking things off, seemed she just was having her cake and eating it too. Do yourself a HUGE favour and distance yourself as much as you can, try to emotionally detach yourself too. I usually say age doesn't matter but in this case, it screams out her immaturity too. She tried to work things out with her bf yet keep you around too. (you're the second choice, the fallback guy, sorry to sound harsh, but it's time for you to open your eyes and see the whole picture here.) Pretty crappy I think. You deserve better, somebody without the drama, the baggage and hey, in the end, can you trust her? 100% pure trust?? If she was seeing the two of you, bouncing back like a pingpong ball, who is to say that if she DID pick you she wouldn't go running back'n'forth again sometime further down the road? I know you can't really be objective right now, that is totally understandable - I just really hope you read everybody's advice, mine aswell, and try to take a step back. See the whole picture here. She was on birth control at the time, but she was taking anti-biotics. I guess she didn't know that when you're on anti-biotics one has to be very careful and use another method of birthcontrol, like a condom. PS One more thing that just strikes me as odd...You say,"GIRL I LOVE IS MARRYING HER BABY'S FATHER"... Just abit weird that you say "girl" and not "woman." You're 35, she's 23. Just another perspective to look at, that's all.
Guest Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 The mod changed the title. I also have tried to step back, but I know being in the situation that it is hard not to be subjective. To emotionally detatch myself is going to be hard though. I really don't believe that she will be happy with this guy, because so soon after she was living with him, she sought out comfort from another man. For the last year, she was getting to know me really, and not him. I guess part of me hopes that it doesn't work out, but another part of me feels if this is what is going to make her happy then thats great. I am concerned about her getting engaged so soon, since this is repeating a pattern. With her first child, she got pregnant and then married him. I love her and I don't want to see her screw up her whole life, and I really feel that she will if she goes through with it. Since she told the person that I know who works with her that she has to try it for the kids. I just can't see something lasting if you are in love with a person because they are a great father, but they really aren't your friend.
westernxer Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Sounds like you feel sorry for her. That's pity, not love. Never fall for someone you pity... they'll drag you right down with them. She already has.
whichwayisup Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 You definately need to detach yourself from her. You can't control her, her life or what happens in general. I know you mean well, but this woman is taking up all your energy!! You are thinking so far ahead and worrying about s*** that hasn't even happened yet. She is not your responsibility, so STOP making it your business. I know this is harsh but you are doing serious damage to yourself. She is not asking for help, she doesn't "need" to be rescued. Just leave it alone, try your best to rid your feelings for her. She has a right to try to make this work as she is carrying HIS child, not yours. They owe it to this poor innocent baby to be a family.
Recommended Posts