hohum Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 Wow. Just when it feels like things couldn't get any worse I add UTTER HUMILIATION to the mix. I have been seething over our recent interactions on Xmas eve (sad but full of tears and love as well) which were followed by hearing NOTHING from him after I travelled to be with my family on NO sleep from our "activities". I needed to vent. I sat down and wrote myself an email "to" him which was just to be sent to myself. I have done this before. I like to journal in my email. Our names start with the same first letter and I have been worried before that I might accidentally hit the wrong second letter and it autopopulates the rest of the email....but somehow I have avoided that for 4 years. Not last night. BOOM. In a rush - I sent him the terribly written - terribly seething email. We immediately texted after it - when I was trying to intercept and just ask him to please delete it without reading it. Of course he already had. He was livid. All I could do at that point was convince him I did NOT want to send that...and was NOT even trying to contact him...because HE is the one who should have been reaching out. This was NOT an attempt to connect on my part! Regardless of all of that - while what was said was 100% true about my feelings - and he is being a bit of a douche right now....this was NOT the manner in which I was going to tell him all of that when next we spoke. The worst part of all of this is he refused to discuss it - he just wanted to go to sleep. I mean - I get it - but his silence is what is causing this HURT....and he had an accidental opportunity there to explain himself or something - but refused. I just did NOT need to add utter humiliation and embarrassment to this breakup. I have NO ONE to talk to about ANY of this. Why is this getting so much worse? I NEEDED to vent that out SO bad.....I should have gotten a tiny bit of relief but I accidentally made a mountain of idiocy and shame for myself.
Wewon Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 Chalk it up to a life lesson. Doesn't sound like there is much that you can do. 4
bluefeather Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 There's a lesson here: write to yourself on a word document, not emails... Even if you never sent them to him, one day you could get a virus or your email account could get hacked, and bam, there goes a mass email of all your saved letters to everyone on your contact list... Sometimes fate works in weird ways. Maybe this really did need to get out to him. edit: lol Wewon beat me to it about the lesson thing. didn't even see that post yet haha
ExpatInItaly Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 Don't be so hard on yourself. And don't journal in your email anymore. Use a wordprocessor or journal instead. Are you sure you didn't want him to see this, in some way? But now you're not getting the reaction you'd hoped for? (ie some type of explanation) In any event, this guy is your ex, correct? If so, this might be a blessing in disguise. It might be better to stay broken up and cut ties for good.
losangelena Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 Do you by any chance use gmail? FWIW, they have an extension now where you have about 5 seconds to "un-send" an email that you sent by mistake. Might be something to download for the future. Other email programs may offer something similar. I know that doesn't solve your immediate problem. For that I'd say, give it some time. I've sent a few pretty bad emails over the years, and the recipients often need some time to process before talking. I don't know your relationship history, though. As Expat said, don't be so hard on yourself. Why don't you have anyone to talk to about these things? No friends/family support? No therapist? 2
D.r.e Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 I've done this before. It passes. Just leave it be. If it was an honest email, stand by what you said. Maybe this will help you in the end. 2
Author hohum Posted December 27, 2015 Author Posted December 27, 2015 Yes it was 100% an accident. I wanted to express this stuff to him but NOT at all like this!!! Maybe the universe felt otherwise? LOL I don't know. And I instantly was googling how to delete it when I read for the 1st time about the google feature....but you have to have it enabled and by the time I read about it and figured that out- a few minutes had passed. As for him being my "ex". He is - but he has been claiming to want to work on things...though his way of doing that is really lackluster. So he hasn't allowed me to just grieve and move on...and of course I keep not allowing myself to since he gives me this little hope. It's been awesome. Thank you again. 3
Stercrazy Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 I wouldn't worry about it. Your subconscious wanted to send it. As long as you were honest it's all good. Plus.....who cares? You guys were already broken up. This one email will keep you guys from reconciliation? Only time and understanding will lead to that. Plus...there is someone you there better for you. Otherwise you wouldn't have broken up.
Cappycorny Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 Your human. I did it too. But mine was an apology email when I told myself I'd have no contact again. Idk? As toxic as the guy is for me I got some darn soft spot on my heart for him. Don't worry about it too much.
AspenBaldwin Posted December 27, 2015 Posted December 27, 2015 It sucks this happened to you, big hug.
Author hohum Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 Thank you again all....Just when I thought I couldn't feel more terrible than I already did.....
Stercrazy Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Thank you again all....Just when I thought I couldn't feel more terrible than I already did..... Nothing to feel bad about. Heal and move on.
Strength in Healing Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 I'd wager your unconscious had a lot to do with this "accident". I've caught my unconscious doing a lot of things and controlling a lot of things that my conscious mind didn't realize until years of introspection. Yours made a difficult choice for you by 'accident', likely because he was not letting you go.
dreamingoftigers Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Oh boy. I did this last year when my husband and I were separated. I typically write text messages that I don't send to him. I'll write it as a draft and sometimes send them to myself. Well......I put my phone down to answer the door pretty much as I was concluding it. When I came back and opened my phone, it had sent. WOW. It was a VERY LONG and bitter vent.
Itspointless Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Do you by any chance use gmail? FWIW, they have an extension now where you have about 5 seconds to "un-send" an email that you sent by mistake. You can configure that one to 30 seconds
LilMama1097 Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 I did something like this with my ex last week except I was texting someone and he had text me at the same time which somehow made my text go to him instead of my friend. Thankfully it wasn't about him but I was pissed that I accidentally broke no contact and that he would think I did it on purpose just to text him. Believe me, if I did it on purpose I would of came up with a more exciting text! I envy you that your ex knows how much of a douchle bag he is now and got a dose of truth! I wish I had the balls to tell my ex off but I hate hurting people even if they hurt me smh 1
elly key Posted December 29, 2015 Posted December 29, 2015 That's my fear to o the same. I can imagine what would I feel if I did that and my ex wouldn't react in any way. All that tears, hurt, desire to understand ex's motives - that's all would be in my email/text. And he wouldn't react. It would crash me as I feel has crashed you. It doesn't show your humiliation. It shows that he's not worth your sincere emotions that you are feeling now. If he can't understand and have time to discuss that and listen to you - is he worth spending life with him? He is not. This disrespectful. People have to care about each other. Even if they are not together anymore. He is not worth your precious time, beautiful.
Author hohum Posted December 30, 2015 Author Posted December 30, 2015 (edited) Thank you - I definitely set mine to the highest amount!! I just needed that SOOOO bad that night and I doubt I will EVER need that again. I can't believe that happened. He is so hurt - which I understand. But I can't understand how it is he can't have some empathy for what his actions created in me. Again - I NEVER would have sent that intentionally - I would have put it all SOOOO many different ways than the way it was coming out. I don't even write to MYSELF like that...it was just erratic and scary and that's why I needed to get it out! I just can't grasp how I am the bad guy for having felt it -- when it was in direct response to HIS behaviors/errors. He thinks I should be more empathetic to his need to pull away right now....which has been the entire problem to start with! The age old --- one person needs more (aka what we started out with) while the other pulls away. The more each pushes for their needs the more it forces the other to need/do more of the same thing. It drives the needy even needier (me). All I did was try to figure out ways to back off and allow him space....now he has all the space he needs -We BROKE UP --- I moved out!!!! How could he need MORE space?!?! But I'M being selfish in not letting him withdraw even MORE? HE'S the one who said he wanted to "work on things". I hate that he read what I wrote. I hate that he thinks it is 100% truth about what i feel for him. Sure it is rather spot on what I have been feeling lately but it was also in the heat of the moment and I was unnaturally upset. How can I explain that while it is based in truth - It isn't my 100% truth? I know it all sounds silly to care to redeem myself but suddenly I'm the "bad" one because of that email accident --- he isn't being selfish by pulling away more and more and expecting me to be fine with it? We are BOTH being selfish - because we NEED to be. That is what a BREAKUP is right? If two people can't bend towards the other's needs - being selfish is necessary to survive. Why can't he see what he is losing and do something DIFFERENT? I promise all I did for a lot of our time together was try to figure out how to be okay with less and less and less of him. I am done doing that. I can't. He can't see it's time for him to bend TOWARDS me in order to keep me? I have to stand up for my needs finally. Sorry -- clearly had to get that out. Edited December 30, 2015 by hohum
neowulf Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 On the upside, at least he didn't find and read your personal journal of 10 years and all the nightmares and deeply personal stuff there in... Cause that happened :-/ Life goes on. Sometimes we shoot ourselves in the foot.
NoLeafClover Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 ...did you say 4 years...How in the world do you not move on from someone after 4 years?
ExpatInItaly Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 Break-ups suck. I think we can all sympathize with you there. He will get over it one day. If he knows you well, he will eventually realize your words were written in anger. But that isn't important right now. The important thing is that you really need to start closing that chapter.
Art_Critic Posted December 30, 2015 Posted December 30, 2015 The worst part of all of this is he refused to discuss it hence the real reason you sent the email, look.. we have all done stuff like this but to expect him to want to discuss it when you accidentally sent him a therapy email goes beyond the scope of what the email was supposed to be for.. right ? hopefully after he read that he will look at himself some in the mirror and learn from what he did to you. Take what you learn from a relationship and apply it to the next person you fall head over heels for.. that is what growing/dating is all about take care
Coolbeans123 Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Loooooooool omg I feel your pain. This is a nervous laugh because this could have so easily been me. I to journal and vent to him to myself but I use a note app on my phone. Imagining he got it i just can't. Listen honestly change ur perspective it's the only way. How you see something will be how you feel about it. Laughter is medicine for the soul when I do something I feel humiliated me accidently. I laugh If he does contact you about it in the future DONT EXPLAIN yourself a second time. Tell him are you still on about that? Listen it happened let it go. I'm not apologising for my thoughts. Best believe you were not meant to see that. And if you think it was an indirect then it is what it is. Confidence speaks volumes and truth shines better through it. Do not take a defeated role in this. You have more control than you believe. Bad things happen tunnel your inner zen and accept it. You will see the energy you release from that actually works in your favour. Keep your head up
Coolbeans123 Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 (edited) "The worst part of all this is he refused to discuss it" This stood out to me, you are giving him to much power. Stop thinking through your feminine emotions to draw conclusions over male emotive reactions to situations. Him not discussing it is perfectly normal for a man. But believe me he felt and he has opinions in his head. thoughts linked to matter in ways you would never even assume. Men don't usually discuss their feelings on issues right off the bat they honestly take time to collect assess and register. The sentence I quoted from you above would make perfect sense if it was a female who refused to discuss it. That I would say is a blow off a rude gesture of indifference to your feelings. Believe me I know I have 6 brothers. Men don't respond to others emotions that caught them From left field straight away. Edited December 31, 2015 by Coolbeans123 1
Author hohum Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 Thank you all SOOO so much! I didn't even know there was another page of responses. THANK YOU!!! You are all really helping me through this - thank you. I don't have much else to add except to clarify for the person who thinks I should be over this 4 year relationship.....sorry - this was a big one for me - and I don't have very many. It generally takes me YEARS to find another....so they are all rather intense/meaningful and I thought I had found my forever. That could happen in a year. Every one is different! Good for you for being so easy to let go of someone you love deeply. I wish it were that simple. Thank you all again!!!!
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