2005tahoe Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Hello loveshackers, I have been seeing this girl for about 6 weeks.She sent me a message on POF and things are going good. Everything is going great, she is 33 and I am 37. We hangout and try to see each other when we can. She has stayed at my place a few times and lots of attention and text to each other during the day. Monday she got a call from her aunt that her uncle had passed away, they live about 400 miles away. So that night I she heads up to her hometown and see her family. I am supportive and tell her that I am thinking about her family. She forewarned me that the text and calls may be limited and I agree that she needs to take car of the family. But the text get slim to none. Maybe 5-6 a day when we were doing ALOT each day. I wasnt asking for constant attention but at least some communication throughout the day. She will post things on snapchat about being at the gym, shes having fun with things from what snapchat is showing, but if I text her ANYTHING, its hours before she sends anything back. So, today I confront her about not hearing from her alot and she says "i told you about that" I mean we tell each other that we miss each other but It just blows my mind that someone can be that busy to not even acknowledge a text or anything at all. She has hungout with some friends up there and has been having some fun but I dont get that she gets pissed off about me mentioning not hearing from her alot. I just dont know what to do, I do have some free time this weekend and I know that doesnt help but I just dont know what to think.
kendahke Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 When is the funeral? When does she return?
Author 2005tahoe Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 The Funeral is Tuesday or thursday of next week. They are still waiting on family to come into town. She has always wanted to to tell her whats on my mind, so I did today and told her that U havent heard from her alot. Then she gets pissed about it.
kendahke Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 (edited) I always say "weddings and funerals bring out the worst in some people". I can understand being with one's family during this time and not being in touch. What I don't get is putting your life on snapchat while you're supposedly burying a relative and all that goes into funerals and it's not related to the funeral, but it's about all the fun you're having--especially knowing that the boyfriend that you're waxing to a high gloss can see all of this, but you can't return a text. I think that her reaction is a huge red flag and should be something you take this weekend to think long and hard about the wisdom in continuing to be with someone who acts like this. Your relationship, at the 6 week mark, is about at the time when the "representatives" are dismissed and the real "you" comes to the fore. Many relationships fall apart at this point because you're no longer dealing with the representative. You're dealing with the real her and the real her acts like this. Edited December 31, 2015 by kendahke
Author 2005tahoe Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 Its hard to go no contact. I have gotten so attached to her bc she does show me attention. And I do have alot of free time on my hands which makes it worse. Im not asking her to constantly text me but a few responses would be nice. Im afreaid that when she gets back into my hometown that she will want to act like nothing has never happened.
Author 2005tahoe Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 Like I just texted her "how are your mom and dad holding up?" Nothing, and that was 2 hours ago
kendahke Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Im afraid that when she gets back into my hometown that she will want to act like nothing has never happened. Anything done with fear as its basis can have no hope of a good outcome. Is this a bottom line issue for you? That is what you need to determine first.
Author 2005tahoe Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 I texted her 3 times yesterday that I missed her, she never responded or changed the subject. She finally responded 5 hours later wth that she was going to bed, its been a long day, goodnight, i miss you.
Author 2005tahoe Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 I dont think its that bc Im really attracted to her. Its just why cant I get a little attention while she is there? How damn busy can you be that you cant respond to a text? She lives on her phone, its always with her. She even told me that. I texted an hour ago. "i just havent heard alot from you" She says, "I told you about that" then I ask how her mom and dad are doing, still no response.
Author 2005tahoe Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 Have you called her and talked to her? I asked her earlier this morning if we could have a phone conversation, she said that she would try, or her response was "oh ok"
Author 2005tahoe Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 I jsut feel as I am on the back burner waiting for a call or text. I even went to the gym this morning and left my phone in the car to keep my mind off of it, I couldnt even do that. I am off work today and tried to sleep, didnt work. Its just driving me crazy.
Poutrew Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Like I just texted her "how are your mom and dad holding up?" Nothing, and that was 2 hours ago Now, now, Tahoe. She is not sad and crying over Uncle 24 hours a day. That is maybe 2 - 3 hours total. The rest of the time she is with old friends, relaxing, and having fun. When you text her, you can't expect her to stop interacting with her pals to talk to you... when she told you about not being able to talk to you during the last convo you had with her, you should have said something along the lines of "Well honey bear, at least I can keep up with you when you are posting about all the nice times you are having with your friends on Snapchat." If she gets defensive or offers excuses, or stops the Snapchat totally, then you will have your answer as to how important you are to her. As of right now, I'd say "Not very". This should be a wake up call, or a reality check, Tahoe. At 6 weeks, you barely know her. But it is obvious at this stage you like her a heck of a lot more than she likes you. Will that change? Are you willing to become her doormat to find out? Only you can answer that question, my friend...
Author 2005tahoe Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 I understand that, Its so hard to go NC bc I literally have nothing to do these next few days bc I am off work. Part of it is my problem bc Im not staying busy but I am also physically and mentally exhausted. I tried going to the gym today and only stayed 30 mins. I went for a drive last night after work and came home after an hour bc i was getting sleepy. Ive taken things to make me sleep today and im wide awake now.
Gaeta Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 She is using this as an excuse to put distance between you and her. I would move on and forget about her. If she comes back to you than see what she has to say. My ex-husband died 3 weeks after I met my ex-boyfriend. I was devastated and I had to support by my completely destroyed daughter while she buried her father. I cried many night and many days and I STILL kept in touch with my new boyfriend on daily basis.
Author 2005tahoe Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 That what I was hoping wouldnt happen. I think im just going to go no contact until I hear from her again. Im not going to respond unless its a legitimate reason too. How do I cope with this? This brings up flashbacks of separating from my wife and losing my dad six months later, the hardest time of my life. I just think about her constantly and shes always in my mind.
kendahke Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I asked her earlier this morning if we could have a phone conversation, she said that she would try, or her response was "oh ok" Oh, I wouldn't have asked her for permission to call. I'd have just called her. The texting needs to come to a halt for now. Texting is used to manage people when they don't want to be bothered with you. Tonight--don't call her or text her. Turn your phone off to keep you from obsessing about it. There is no point in having a conversation tonight because chances are, she'll be drunk and out with her friends or family. Clearly, she's behaving as if you're inconveniencing her whenever you contact her, so let her have her time with her family and friends. In the meantime, as I said above, take this time to re-examine the wisdom in being with someone who is already treating you like this. I understand you want some attention from her, but you don't want to have to make a stink about it to get it, especially at this point in your involvement. It should come naturally and willingly from her. It doesn't take but thirty seconds out of 24 hours to return a text, especially as you say, for someone who lives on their phone, funeral or not.
kendahke Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 That what I was hoping wouldnt happen. I think im just going to go no contact until I hear from her again. Im not going to respond unless its a legitimate reason too. How do I cope with this? This brings up flashbacks of separating from my wife and losing my dad six months later, the hardest time of my life. I just think about her constantly and shes always in my mind. Unfortunately, you're going to have to sit with the unpleasant feelings. It might help you to do some stream of consciousness writing this evening. Open up a word document and just start emptying your head of your thoughts. It doesn't have to make sense because it's only for your eyes. Once you empty your head as best you can, you may start to feel like you have a little more clarity. Whenever I do this, I ask questions to myself and then answer them as honestly as I can stand. Yes, it can be hard and it may be a bit on the sad side, but you need to relieve your psyche of this energy--and what better way to start the new year with as much clarity as you can muster?
Author 2005tahoe Posted January 1, 2016 Author Posted January 1, 2016 Yea, so, I went no contact last night. Actually i went to bed around 9pm and she texted me at 9:30 saying that she wouldnt be aake for new years and wished me a happy new year. I didnt answer, so, this morning she said she was disappointed that I didnt respond, keep in mind, I didnt hear from her for 7 hours yesterday. Heaven forbid that I bring that up and piss her off even more. I told her good morning and happy new year and told her that i had fell asleep earlier than I thought. Now she wont respond, i tried calling. Thats all im doing, she can contact me if she wants.
LookAtThisPOst Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 She is using this as an excuse to put distance between you and her. I would move on and forget about her. If she comes back to you than see what she has to say. My ex-husband died 3 weeks after I met my ex-boyfriend. I was devastated and I had to support by my completely destroyed daughter while she buried her father. I cried many night and many days and I STILL kept in touch with my new boyfriend on daily basis. I rather agree with Gaeta, though I am sympathetic to lost loved ones, but I've heard people using non-close relatives (400 miles away) as an excuse to start their "fade" process. Some have even used sick or pets they had to put down as a reason, that way...they play on your sympathies and KNOW you won't challenge them on the REAL reason they are blowing you off, if you do question it...you'll be labeled an insensitive cad...so it's kind of a lose-lose situation. 1
Gemma1 Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 She's fading on you and you're being clingy. Whenever someone tells you early on that they won't be able to stay in touch with you very much, you should let them do almost all of the initiating. Like 98% of it. Just for your future reference. This R is dead in the water.
Author 2005tahoe Posted January 2, 2016 Author Posted January 2, 2016 Well, she kept sending snapchats of her out with 4 guy friends, go figure! One of them looks like her ex husband too. I confronted her about why it took 7 hours for her to respond to my text, her excuse was "I am trying to keep my family afloat" But yet she needs a night out with friends? I am so done, this hurts soo bad, I get attached so easy and this is what happens. How do I deal with the hurt? the free time now? This sucks!!
Gaeta Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Well, she kept sending snapchats of her out with 4 guy friends, go figure! One of them looks like her ex husband too. I confronted her about why it took 7 hours for her to respond to my text, her excuse was "I am trying to keep my family afloat" But yet she needs a night out with friends? I am so done, this hurts soo bad, I get attached so easy and this is what happens. How do I deal with the hurt? the free time now? This sucks!! Hon, block her everywhere, delete pictures, erase her completely and move on. You're allowed to feel bad for a week then life goes on. It's 6 weeks not 6 months. I know it sucks, been there a few times, it will pass. Spend the weekend with friends and family.
Author 2005tahoe Posted January 2, 2016 Author Posted January 2, 2016 Hon, block her everywhere, delete pictures, erase her completely and move on. You're allowed to feel bad for a week then life goes on. It's 6 weeks not 6 months. I know it sucks, been there a few times, it will pass. Spend the weekend with friends and family. Thats the problem, I lost my sole supporter 2 years ago when my dad died, as well as going through a divorce. I have done nothing but cry the past few days. I am not as close to my mom as I was my dad and cant talk to her about these things. I went to the gym twice yesterday bc I was bored, planning on going today too. Plus all of my friends have kids, I dont have one friend that is available to hang out with.
Gaeta Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Thats the problem, I lost my sole supporter 2 years ago when my dad died, as well as going through a divorce. I have done nothing but cry the past few days. I am not as close to my mom as I was my dad and cant talk to her about these things. I went to the gym twice yesterday bc I was bored, planning on going today too. Plus all of my friends have kids, I dont have one friend that is available to hang out with. awww I'm sorry. Well we're here :-) Have you seen Star Wars? It's a-m-a-z-i-n-g !!! Go see it this afternoon. You need to keep yourself busy and keep your mind off of things. You will meet someone else, she is not the only girl available for you to date. Look forward to meet someone genuine. They are out there and it's normal it takes time to find them.
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