Windman17 Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 My ex of 5+ years has been dating a new guy for a few months now but over the course of those months we've still been in some contact for most of them. In the last month or so though (up until about a week ago) he told her to block me so that she couldn't contact me and vice versa, mainly because of a few past instances. Basically, she called me a few months back crying saying that he had left her alone at the bar drunk and she had no way to get back home. Being the caring ex and friend I am I told her I would come get her.. well she wasn't where she said she'd be and it turns out that he decided to come back for her. She apologized the next day.. this happened twice over the last few months. Then about a week ago I get a call from her younger sister asking if I've heard from her. I told her no (because I was probably still blocked) and asked why, and she said that once again he left her and went off by himself. I offered to help her sister find her and eventually her sister found her being helped out by some random guy who found her face down in someone's yard downtown. Her sister took her home and kept me updated on her condition. Her sister then told me that my ex broke up with him, this time "for good" in her own words. Apparently she found out that after he left her without any concern for her safety, he went to a club and hooked up with another girl that same night. I decided to message her a day or two later just asking how she was pretending that I didn't know anything about her situation. She responded and was pretty open about her life in general and we were gonna meet up just to catch up. Turns out she broke her hand that night and she's been getting drunk a lot lately that she's "considering" enrolling in AA. I find out not even 3 days later that she took him back and pretended like he didn't do anything wrong. Her sister was disgusted when she told me, especially since her dad did the same thing to her mom and she's witnessed firsthand what damage it's done to her. I know that my ex has and continues to make excuses for him because she thinks it's "love", but now it seems like she's also making excuses to meet up with me because he's back in the picture, and acts like nothing's wrong. Honestly I just want to be a friend to her and tell her that she needs more self-respect for herself and she knows it's not right, because she really has no friends beside him. I realize that she may not want to hear it and may never want to talk to me again, so I guess I'm asking if it's worth it to be brutally honest with her or do I just need to let her do her own thing and beat around the bush if she actually does end up wanting to meet up? We used to be so close so it does hurt me that she's settling for this. I realize that she has some issues and she hasn't treated me the best either, but I'd appreciate some advice for her sake.
justanotherguy1 Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I dont think you should. theres only so much you can do for someone. you arent entitled to do all this for her. you can carry the horse to the well but cant make it drink. she goes back to her bf and thats how it will be for a long time until something very bad happens. ofc you wanna help and get her out of this rut but she has to atleast make an effort. this is not gonna end well for you i hope you know that. the more you get involved the deeper your getting into this **** and the harder it will be to get out. you have been by far a very good friend so far. theres not much more you can do. i know you wanted to hear something else but im gving you my realistic opinion. because think of it, what the hell can you really do for her again??? she keeps going back into the mess. you can take a pig out the pen, clean it up and wash it but what happens after, it goes back in the mud again. so think about it. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 It's not your job to fix her, OP. And you can't. She clearly isn't ready to make changes so it's going to be a waste of energy to talk about it. And it's honestly not your business anymore, though I don't mean to be harsh. I know it hurts to see someone you love make bad choices, but at some point you have to draw a boundary for yourself. Stop being at her beck and call. This current friendship isn't really even a friendship either. It's her tugging your heartstrings when it's convenient for her. You are - at some point - going to need to cut the cord and start moving on.
Itspointless Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 You better distance yourself. What you wrote about her family is concerning, she needs therapy, but it isn't you who is going to convince her. Do net let her drag you down. Take care.
D.r.e Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 My ex of 5+ years has been dating a new guy for a few months now but over the course of those months we've still been in some contact for most of them. In the last month or so though (up until about a week ago) he told her to block me so that she couldn't contact me and vice versa, mainly because of a few past instances. Basically, she called me a few months back crying saying that he had left her alone at the bar drunk and she had no way to get back home. Being the caring ex and friend I am I told her I would come get her.. well she wasn't where she said she'd be and it turns out that he decided to come back for her. She apologized the next day.. this happened twice over the last few months. Then about a week ago I get a call from her younger sister asking if I've heard from her. I told her no (because I was probably still blocked) and asked why, and she said that once again he left her and went off by himself. I offered to help her sister find her and eventually her sister found her being helped out by some random guy who found her face down in someone's yard downtown. Her sister took her home and kept me updated on her condition. Her sister then told me that my ex broke up with him, this time "for good" in her own words. Apparently she found out that after he left her without any concern for her safety, he went to a club and hooked up with another girl that same night. I decided to message her a day or two later just asking how she was pretending that I didn't know anything about her situation. She responded and was pretty open about her life in general and we were gonna meet up just to catch up. Turns out she broke her hand that night and she's been getting drunk a lot lately that she's "considering" enrolling in AA. I find out not even 3 days later that she took him back and pretended like he didn't do anything wrong. Her sister was disgusted when she told me, especially since her dad did the same thing to her mom and she's witnessed firsthand what damage it's done to her. I know that my ex has and continues to make excuses for him because she thinks it's "love", but now it seems like she's also making excuses to meet up with me because he's back in the picture, and acts like nothing's wrong. Honestly I just want to be a friend to her and tell her that she needs more self-respect for herself and she knows it's not right, because she really has no friends beside him. I realize that she may not want to hear it and may never want to talk to me again, so I guess I'm asking if it's worth it to be brutally honest with her or do I just need to let her do her own thing and beat around the bush if she actually does end up wanting to meet up? We used to be so close so it does hurt me that she's settling for this. I realize that she has some issues and she hasn't treated me the best either, but I'd appreciate some advice for her sake. This type of person will drain the hell out of you. You are not responsible for her happiness. She is using you and not providing anything of value to you.
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