clia Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 But think of a time when a new man treated you in ways no other man treated you before and that stuck with you. But if you were able to see ahead of time that your first boyfriend would of treated you that well too if you would of given it more time, then you wouldn't be as astonished when the other man came around and treated you like that. Because it would be like, "yea my first boyfriend was going to do that too". Because if you are ending the relationship obviously the first boyfriend was NOT treating you that well!
Author loverage21 Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 Again, you're assuming people WANT the same style of love, same kisses, same touch, same treatment, etc. as their first love. I don't. I think most people don't because the first time is just the first time. It doesn't have to set the standard for anything. I learned a lot about what I don't want based on my teen boyfriends. In fact, the first guy I kissed was a horrible kisser. You think I'm looking to duplicate that? Hell, no. You can move in and find better. In fact, most people do. No, I wouldn't, actually. If all were similar, why would I choose to be with only one person for my entire life? That sounds really boring. You also neglect to include the situation where a later relationship could be better. I know you want to deny that happens, but believe me, it does. In which case I would definitely move on to that relationship. You are ignoring the fact that if the teen love relationship ends, there are problems in the relationship. Why would you stay if there are problems? Why not go find something better? But how do you know that your first love wouldn't of turned out actually "better" and you didn't know that because you invested yourself in someone else. Even if they didn't become better now, how do you know he wouldn't have become better if you stuck with him?
clia Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 But how do you know that your first love wouldn't of turned out actually "better" and you didn't know that because you invested yourself in someone else. Even if they didn't become better now, how do you know he wouldn't have become better if you stuck with him? Why would I sit around waiting and hoping for someone to change when I could just find a person who already has the qualities I want in a man?
carhill Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 OP, that's a very insightful point. There's billions of us and we're all interchangeable and none of us is no more special than another, though of course our id ensures we all think we're the most special snowflake on the planet. In reality, though, it's bags of mostly water with limited shelf life. Mortal. Fallible. Imperfect. Easily damaged and destroyed. Enjoy college. It's a wonderful time of life.
Buck Turgidson Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 But how do you know that your first love wouldn't of turned out actually "better" and you didn't know that because you invested yourself in someone else. Even if they didn't become better now, how do you know he wouldn't have become better if you stuck with him? So the **** what if it had. Love is not about "potentials" and "outcomes." Love is trust, admiration, respect, and desire. Love is about sharing your life with someone. Your trust, admiration, respect, and desire for Door #2, and your shared life with them are (or at least should be) TOTALLY UNAFFECTED by past feelings for or unrealized life potentials with Door #1. The fact that you had a first love, even if (had you stayed together), your life would have been totally awesome, instant millionaires, love on the luxury yacht, doesn't foreclose loving the next person you date. Your love for that person is NOT made false because you might have led a similar, or even better, life with someone else. Love is an emotion and a way to treat someone. If you have the emotion, you have it. If you treat each other well, you will share a good life. Try exchanging the word "love" for "hate" in your argument. Just because you hated some idiot in grade school doesn't make your hate for your lousy landlord who never fixes the water heater "false." It's the same with love. You are falling into the "soulmate" fallacy incredibly hard and you will screw up your entire love life and the lives of everyone who cares about you by doing so. Please call the suicide hotline. If you are in America, the number is 800-273-TALK. 1
anika99 Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 But think of a time when a new man treated you in ways no other man treated you before and that stuck with you. But if you were able to see ahead of time that your first boyfriend would of treated you that well too if you would of given it more time, then you wouldn't be as astonished when the other man came around and treated you like that. Because it would be like, "yea my first boyfriend was going to do that too". yea, my first boyfriend was going to do that too? LOLOLOL...well then why didn't he? What was he waiting for? Look this just comes back to living in the present. If I meet a man and he treats me great right now then that is what matters. I'm not going to waste my life putting up with bad or mediocre treatment from a boyfriend because, gee maybe in a year or two it's going to be great. I judge by what I see right now. Lets say I'm at a mediocre job with low pay and lousy benefits. Along comes a job offer with great pay and great benefits starting today! So I take the new job and it's everything I thought it's going to be. Later on an old coworker from the mediocre job comes along and tells me a year after I left, my old employer also began offering great pay and great benefits. I'm still not going to regret leaving that job, not even if I really loved it. I would feel happy for the people still employed there. Happy that they are finally getting what they should have got all along. Happy that the higher ups finally realized that to retain great employees they have to pay them their worth. I would wonder if my leaving and other employees who left maybe helped them learn this lesson. I would be happy that I didn't stick around waiting for this change because I cannot afford to waste my time waiting to see if I'm going to eventually get treated well or not when I have better offers on the table. The same goes for my relationships. I do not regret leaving them. If they were great relationships they would not have ended. If a new guy was impressing me with how he is treating me right now then that's my reality. Some exbf coming along telling me he was going to do that too would sound downright silly to me. I don't have time to wait around for whatever he was maybe going to do in the future. I mean maybe Bill Gates should be paying me royalties because I was going to create Microsoft Windows too, he just didn't give me a chance to do it...LOL. Look we learn from our relationships. If a guy left me and then said he was happier with his new gf because she was more understanding and easier to talk to then I ever was, then I would take that as a lesson that I should treat my next bf with more understanding and be a better listener because those things are important and so I need to improve in that area. It sounds to me like you had a relationship end and now your ex has gone on to be with someone new and you think their new relationship doesn't count and shouldn't be happening because you believe that your relationship would have been great if it had lasted long enough for your ex to see that. You are in denial. Your ex didn't think the relationship was great or had the potential to be great based on whatever they were seeing in the moment so they moved on. You can't have a great relationship with someone who doesn't want to be with you, so there is no potential for a great relationship with your ex. When someone is head over heels, passionately in love with you, they don't walk away and meet somebody new. This person is not passionately madly in love with you and so there never was the possibility of the relationship turning out great.
Poutrew Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 What if... In high school (USA) I had a heavy crush on this beautiful girl. She had a crush on both me and this other boy - he was the typical bad boy, you know the type: I just called him "The Punk". Anyway, for whatever reason, she chose him. I was the looser in this love triangle...until a few months later when they both stopped coming to school. It was weird because the teacher never asked about them or called their names out during role. It was as if they had both been erased from reality, except for in my mind...Then I found out the reason. They were both dead. They had gone for a hike in the mountains that surrounded our little valley town with friends, and had somehow wandered onto a dangerous goat path. They got caught in a landslide, and fell 80 feet onto the hard rocks below. They died screaming and clutching each other all the way down according to the friends... So you see, my 'what if' is different from yours. If she had picked me instead of the punk way back in 74', would she be alive today (maybe be my old lady), or would I be dead today? Turns out I lost the battle, but won the war. 1
MidwestUSA Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 Nothing about Jim Morrison here. What a letdown. 2
dichotomy Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 (edited) If you (or anyone) figures out how to know you "true love" or your "one and only true love" or the "one soul mate".... you let me know. I suspect if you could make infinite choices and live all those different infinity lives to the end - you would not know which "love" was the true love for you, but rather understand you could have many many true loves and many false one and many in between ones. An off shoot of this wanting to experience full love - with all your many different children. The only unconditional love I have know is for my children, and once you have a child - this choosing old paths tends to go away because no matter what you would not make a change would would have taken away the child you have now. Edited January 1, 2016 by dichotomy 1
Rejected Rosebud Posted January 1, 2016 Posted January 1, 2016 But you realize the only reason a woman would be with me is because these uncertainties exist. If she projected ahead of time that the future with her ex would of been just as good if not better, then she would not attempted to see other people. Thus she would of never invested her emotions into me. And we wouldnt be where we are at now Well, I am happily engaged and I NEVER think "if he projected ahead of time that the future with his ex would of been just as good if not better" etc. Why would I think that? You don't seem to have a grasp on the FACT that relationships, and PEOPLE are not static. It is highly unlikely that any relationship that ended for a good reason "would have" turned out great later. People break up for reasons. I think that your point with all this is that you feel you can only have a genuine relationship if you are the person's first love, is this right?? 2
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