The Doors Theory is ruining my life

[loverage21]

You've heard the story

 

Basically goes like this

 

If a girl has loved a boy in her teens and they break up, there is unexplored future potential with that relationship that goes unknown. We live in a life where we don't know the future. We can safely say there is a 50/50 chance it could of ended up as a "first love for life" love story or a total disconnect. But she wouldn't know because the relationship ended and without the ability to know the future there is no telling.

 

If she knew the future, however, and knew that they could stay together and live happy lives together, they wouldn't have broken up in the first place. Thus, she would of never considered dating other people, ultimately never meeting her current SO.

 

So, the love she is feeling for her current SO is "false love" because she wouldn't be having feelings for him in the first place if she knew it would of worked out just as great if not better with her first love.

 

I am going to college and will be surrounded by couples and a girl in particular I crush on that goes there and I am panicking.

[VeveCakes]

What does this have to do with anything.

 

Life happens. It is full of "what ifs".

 

Don't miss out on what's in front of you because you are obsessing over other peoples what ifs.

[lollipopspot]

I recommended on your other thread that you seek mental health help ASAP to find out why you are spinning out and get some treatment. You say yourself that you are in some type of crisis. I still think you ought best to do that.

[loverage21]

What does this have to do with anything.

 

Life happens. It is full of "what ifs".

 

Don't miss out on what's in front of you because you are obsessing over other peoples what ifs.

 

If the "what ifs" in life didn't exist, relationship outcomes would be different. The factor that leads people to pursue relationships elsewhere is that life has uncertainties and you have to find out what you have in front of you in the moment as you move along and learn.

 

If people had this knowledge in advance, they wouldn't be pursuing relationships with other people because they can see the outcomes before they happen.

[loverage21]

I recommended on your other thread that you seek mental health help ASAP to find out why you are spinning out and get some treatment. You say yourself that you are in some type of crisis. I still think you ought best to do that.

 

 

I see a psychiatrist who studied at Yale.

[VeveCakes]

If the "what ifs" in life didn't exist, relationship outcomes would be different. The factor that leads people to pursue relationships elsewhere is that life has uncertainties and you have to find out what you have in front of you in the moment as you move along and learn.

 

If people had this knowledge in advance, they wouldn't be pursuing relationships with other people because they can see the outcomes before they happen.

 

then almost everyone would not end up together...the possibilities are endless...just like knowing what jobs and schooling might work out, or that someone you love might eventually get cancer and die young.

 

You need to focus on the future and what could be.

 

Things that are meant to be find a way.

[clia]

You're assuming everyone would choose to stay with their teenage love, and I don't believe that would be the case. I think a lot of people would still choose to move on to other relationships and life paths. Facebook has given me a peek into the worlds of some of my teenage boyfriends, and for the most part, I would honestly have no interest living where they are living, doing the kinds of things they do for fun, and living the kind of life they lead. I'm glad things didn't work out. People change a lot from their teens as they mature and grow. You seem to assume that everyone will stay exactly how they were as teens, frozen in time. That's not reality.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If a girl has loved a boy in her teens and they break up, there is unexplored future potential with that relationship that goes unknown. We live in a life where we don't know the future. We can safely say there is a 50/50 chance it could of ended up as a "first love for life" love story or a total disconnect. But she wouldn't know because the relationship ended and without the ability to know the future there is no telling.

 

If she knew the future, however, and knew that they could stay together and live happy lives together, they wouldn't have broken up in the first place. Thus, she would of never considered dating other people, ultimately never meeting her current SO.

 

So, the love she is feeling for her current SO is "false love" because she wouldn't be having feelings for him in the first place if she knew it would of worked out just as great if not better with her first love.

.

 

 

 

Your premise is just simply inaccurate on many levels.

 

 

- Breaking up does not leave "unexplored potential" because breaking up ends the relationship thus leaving no relationship into the future........that's what breaking up is.

 

 

- the future of that relationship is not 'unknown' because it has been determined that there will be no relationship going into the future.

 

 

-people end relationships because they do not want the relationship to continue in the future.

 

 

- no one can safely say that any relationship has a 50/50 chance of anything.

 

 

- relationships do not have to be all or nothing.

 

 

- no one can predict the future, there for no one can know if a relationship will last for any length of time or not.

 

 

- the future is to be made, not predicted and followed.

 

 

- there is no such thing as "false love." People feel what they feel and that is their reality at that point in time.

 

 

 

 

Please continue to seek professional help.

[VeveCakes]

Well said.

 

I find this interesting actually, because I am currently dating my highschool boyfriend who I broke up with when I was 15. I was crazy about him then, but young and not ready for a relationship.

 

We dated again 7 years later then I moved overseas for a job opportunity I couldn't turn down. I wasn't that into him at that time but we had fun.

 

I was married and now divorced since then, and we reconnected. I can tell you how I feel about this man is miles different from what I felt then. If I had not lived overseas, been married etc, I would probably not be the same person and feel the same way I do about him now. I needed all that life experience to appreciate what was there.

 

I still ended up with my first love.

[oldshirt]

.. Facebook has given me a peek into the worlds of some of my teenage boyfriends, and for the most part, I would honestly have no interest living where they are living, doing the kinds of things they do for fun, and living the kind of life they lead. I'm glad things didn't work out. People change a lot from their teens as they mature and grow. .

 

 

 

Boy ain't that the truth!

 

 

I have almost all of my old GFs, crushes and people that I dated in my youth on facebook and when I look through their pages now I am glad I dodged those bullets.

 

 

Don't get me wrong they are good people and have lived honorable lives but when I look at some of the gals I dated or had big crushes on and wanted to date and see them now 30 years and 50 lbs later I breathe a sigh of relief far far more that I ever look back with lament or wondering what could have been.

[carhill]

OP, while IMO others have covered the specifics admirably, I'll offer an overview of my take on the tone of your post:

 

Think less and feel more.

 

You're young, in college and have your whole life ahead of you. Focus the intellect on the college studies and feel the rest. It'll work out. Whenever you feel stuck, your college has excellent resources to help you, both on the thinking and feeling part. Good luck!

[Mrin]

Haven't read your other thread.

 

Just going to wax here a bit - love, like all emotion, is a thing of the present. That is to say, it is only experienced in the present. Obviously, you can't experience "future love" so we won't even go there. But you can't even experience past love. OP - you might be too young to have context in this but bear with me a second. Sure, I can look back at relationships and remember the love that was in them at any given point and time. But that's just it - a memory. I don't experience or feel the past love. What I feel is my present love of the thing of the past.

 

That's how we move along in life. How we get over or past relationships. How you can have loved someone with the intensity of the sun one moment only to have that fade.

 

Not only is love exclusively of the present - it is also non-durable. I think that's a mistake that a lot of people make (especially in their youth). Just because it is present in all its shining glory in the here and now doesn't mean it will be present in the moment, day, month, year to come. Love is an ember. Keeping it alight is a skill that eludes most of us.

 

Here's the great news. Relationships are not love. People are not love. They are just the canvas on which love is spread. That means love once lost can be found again - with a different person or even of a different nature. Empty hearts can be refilled and emptied out again - it is up to you.

 

My suggestion to you OP - stop obsessing about the future. Live in the present - it is the only thing that is real.

[loverage21]

Well said.

 

I find this interesting actually, because I am currently dating my highschool boyfriend who I broke up with when I was 15. I was crazy about him then, but young and not ready for a relationship.

 

We dated again 7 years later then I moved overseas for a job opportunity I couldn't turn down. I wasn't that into him at that time but we had fun.

 

I was married and now divorced since then, and we reconnected. I can tell you how I feel about this man is miles different from what I felt then. If I had not lived overseas, been married etc, I would probably not be the same person and feel the same way I do about him now. I needed all that life experience to appreciate what was there.

 

I still ended up with my first love.

 

What drew you back to your first love ultimately?

[VeveCakes]

Well, that might get long lol. Basically, he was messaging me for some time just wanting to hang out. I wasn't really ready to date so I just brushed him off and we chatted. Then I had a particularly stressful month and decided I needed someone to hang out with that wasn't in my circle and he was still bugging me to hang out so we finally did, and that was pretty much that.

 

But what about him? He is such a kind, fun person. He is the complete opposite of what I had in my marriage. It was a change I needed. I'm more attracted to him now than ever before, and there was no pressure going in. I was legitimately going to just hang out as friends at first. We have a lot in common, we have insane chemistry, but at the end of the day he is just a genuine good person and I really admire him. The thing is, if this was us 10 years ago, I probably wouldn't have been interested in dating him long term. He has an interesting lifestyle that I know I wouldn't have wanted to be involved with. I have just grown up so much in that time and learned a lot about relationships, it's different now. If we had of dated longer in highschool, we would not be together now. I guarantee it.

[loverage21]

You're assuming everyone would choose to stay with their teenage love, and I don't believe that would be the case. I think a lot of people would still choose to move on to other relationships and life paths. Facebook has given me a peek into the worlds of some of my teenage boyfriends, and for the most part, I would honestly have no interest living where they are living, doing the kinds of things they do for fun, and living the kind of life they lead. I'm glad things didn't work out. People change a lot from their teens as they mature and grow. You seem to assume that everyone will stay exactly how they were as teens, frozen in time. That's not reality.

 

But if you knew ahead of time before you dated someone else that this person will have the same style of love as your first love, kisses the same, touches you the same way, treats you the same way, etc... That your first boyfriend would do if you stayed with him, then you wouldn't of considered dating that other guy to begin with.

 

Everything would not be considered "new" and a "surprise" if you knew each projected outcomes of every person you were going to be with. You would easily stay with the first if all were similar or not as good.

[Rejected Rosebud]

If the "what ifs" in life didn't exist, relationship outcomes would be different. The factor that leads people to pursue relationships elsewhere is that life has uncertainties and you have to find out what you have in front of you in the moment as you move along and learn.

 

If people had this knowledge in advance, they wouldn't be pursuing relationships with other people because they can see the outcomes before they happen.

That is FALSE.

 

YOU need to find acceptance about the FACT that life is uncertain and we don't have control of much of it.

 

Relationships with others is not all about the "outcome." It's a journey full of experiences. It's fluid. So is the rest of life.

[preraph]

You're failing to see the reality of the situation. If someone loves someone and they broke up, it wasn't meant to be and it's over. It is what it is. It didn't work out. Young relationships rarely last because neither person is mature and has found their true self yet.

[loverage21]

You're failing to see the reality of the situation. If someone loves someone and they broke up, it wasn't meant to be and it's over. It is what it is. It didn't work out. Young relationships rarely last because neither person is mature and has found their true self yet.

 

But what if you knew everything you like in your current SO you could of had if you stayed with your first boyfriend?

[anika99]

OMG! Why are you beating this to death? We live in the present, not in the past or the future. The present is reality. I could step into an intersection and get hit by a car. Obviously if I could have seen the future I would have never stepped into that intersection but since I couldn't see the future, I did get hit by the car and now that's the reality that I'm living. Do I say "well if I knew the future, I would have stayed on the sidewalk and my life would be different so therefore none of what is happening now is real, my injuries are false because I didn't know the future" ?

 

What is happening in the present is the only reality. The past is just memories and what ifs are just fantasy and wishful thinking.

[loverage21]

That is FALSE.

 

YOU need to find acceptance about the FACT that life is uncertain and we don't have control of much of it.

 

Relationships with others is not all about the "outcome." It's a journey full of experiences. It's fluid. So is the rest of life.

 

But you realize the only reason a woman would be with me is because these uncertainties exist.

 

If she projected ahead of time that the future with her ex would of been just as good if not better, then she would not attempted to see other people. Thus she would of never invested her emotions into me. And we wouldnt be where we are at now

[Mrin]

But what if you knew everything you like in your current SO you could of had if you stayed with your first boyfriend?

 

Okay I'll play along for a little more.

 

Here's the flaw in your logic - you assume the observer (you) is static. That your wants and your needs are static. Or even if they aren't static, that they will develop over time independently or based on a single known variable (your first love). That isn't true at all. The observer (you) is changed by that which it observes (her - via the relationship) and the observed (her) is changed by the fact of being observed (the relationship) by the observer (you) thus creating and infinite web of potentials and attractors. Basically chaos theory. Go have fun chewing on that.

[loverage21]

OMG! Why are you beating this to death? We live in the present, not in the past or the future. The present is reality. I could step into an intersection and get hit by a car. Obviously if I could have seen the future I would have never stepped into that intersection but since I couldn't see the future, I did get hit by the car and now that's the reality that I'm living. Do I say "well if I knew the future, I would have stayed on the sidewalk and my life would be different so therefore none of what is happening now is real, my injuries are false because I didn't know the future" ?

 

What is happening in the present is the only reality. The past is just memories and what ifs are just fantasy and wishful thinking.

 

What I mean by "false" is that these feelings would not exist towards an individual in the first place if we could project the outcomes of both relationships

 

For example

 

Future outcomes:

 

First boyfriend/girlfriend

1. Met in high school

2. Is passionate

3. Dedicates a lot of time to me.

4. Makes me laugh

5. Deep bond and connection

6. Great with kids

7. There when my sibling died at age 26

8. Had the most adorable wedding

9. Had the most intimate sex

10. Shot coffee out of his nose when he heard my joke on May 16th, 2020.

11. Held me as I cried to sleep on March 12, 2051.

 

Second serious boyfriend

1. Met in college

2. Is passionate

3. Dedicates a lot of time to me

4. Makes me laugh

5. Deep bond and connection

6. Great with kids

7. There when my sibling died at age 26

8. Had the most adorable wedding

9. Had the most intimate sex

10. Shot coffee out of his nose when he heard my joke on May 16, 2020.

11. Held me for hours as I cried to sleep on March 12, 2051.

 

Both of them have the same attributes.

 

Except one was met in the naive and young days

 

While the other was met going into adulthood.

 

Both have the same future outcomes, except one was able to share another part of one's life that the other didn't.

 

Of course you would not know that the first boyfriend would of continued to meet those attributes because you pursued a relationship with someone else. Thus, abandoning that potential.

 

But let's say you can see those same attributes and had the ability to see those outcomes projected into the future...would you really abandon your first boyfriend if you knew the outcome of the second relationship was going to be the same?

Edited December 31, 2015 by loverage21

[anika99]

But let's say you can see those same attributes and had the ability to see those outcomes projected into the future...would you really abandon your first boyfriend if you knew the outcome of the second relationship was going to be the same?

 

Share

 

But why torture yourself with this question since there is no possible way to know?

 

In any case I'll try to answer. I would not abandon my first boyfriend in the first place if he was great and I was in love with him. I would do everything I could to keep the relationship together. If he abandoned the relationship I would feel free to get on with my life and start new relationships. Yes even if I could see the future and see that we end up together sometime years down the road, I would still want to enjoy my life in the present and I would still be open to new relationships. If at some point I actually found myself in a situation where I had choice between boyfriend 1 or boyfriend 2 I would choose the person I love.

 

I have had a few long term relationships end. I have gone on to love again. I no longer feel any romantic love or connection to my exes and if I found out that had I stayed with them everything would have worked out I wouldn't care. It doesn't matter because I don't love them anymore. The love I have felt for my partners has always been real.

[loverage21]

But why torture yourself with this question since there is no possible way to know?

 

In any case I'll try to answer. I would not abandon my first boyfriend in the first place if he was great and I was in love with him. I would do everything I could to keep the relationship together. If he abandoned the relationship I would feel free to get on with my life and start new relationships. Yes even if I could see the future and see that we end up together sometime years down the road, I would still want to enjoy my life in the present and I would still be open to new relationships. If at some point I actually found myself in a situation where I had choice between boyfriend 1 or boyfriend 2 I would choose the person I love.

 

I have had a few long term relationships end. I have gone on to love again. I no longer feel any romantic love or connection to my exes and if I found out that had I stayed with them everything would have worked out I wouldn't care. It doesn't matter because I don't love them anymore. The love I have felt for my partners has always been real.

 

But think of a time when a new man treated you in ways no other man treated you before and that stuck with you. But if you were able to see ahead of time that your first boyfriend would of treated you that well too if you would of given it more time, then you wouldn't be as astonished when the other man came around and treated you like that. Because it would be like, "yea my first boyfriend was going to do that too".

[clia]

But if you knew ahead of time before you dated someone else that this person will have the same style of love as your first love, kisses the same, touches you the same way, treats you the same way, etc... That your first boyfriend would do if you stayed with him, then you wouldn't of considered dating that other guy to begin with.

 

Again, you're assuming people WANT the same style of love, same kisses, same touch, same treatment, etc. as their first love.

 

I don't. I think most people don't because the first time is just the first time. It doesn't have to set the standard for anything. I learned a lot about what I don't want based on my teen boyfriends. In fact, the first guy I kissed was a horrible kisser. You think I'm looking to duplicate that? Hell, no.

 

You can move in and find better. In fact, most people do.

 

Everything would not be considered "new" and a "surprise" if you knew each projected outcomes of every person you were going to be with. You would easily stay with the first if all were similar or not as good.

 

No, I wouldn't, actually. If all were similar, why would I choose to be with only one person for my entire life? That sounds really boring. You also neglect to include the situation where a later relationship could be better. I know you want to deny that happens, but believe me, it does. In which case I would definitely move on to that relationship.

 

You are ignoring the fact that if the teen love relationship ends, there are problems in the relationship. Why would you stay if there are problems? Why not go find something better?