DrReplyInRhymes Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Another thing to clear up, I have no idea what I'm doing, but walking away would be very difficult. All the options are on the table. I'm hurt she did this without my knowledge. I feel like I'm being pigeonholed as a deadbeat at times on this message board. This message board has people of strong opinion and will, Some will agree with your views, some play devil's advocate for the thrill. Take the discussion with a grain of salt, it comes from a good place, But much like the world, you get varying degrees of viewpoints and taste.
burnt Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 When I ask her about them, she brushes them off and says we will discuss it. She first wanted to talk about us. After I pushed the issue and wanted her to tell me about her health, she told me she was pregnant. She just found out after Thanksgiving (we spent Thanksgiving together). She was surprised to find out that 3 weeks ago she was pregnant. I feel betrayed. What's bothering me is the part above--not about who's ego, whose egg, whose sperm, etc. 1. OP & gf have been trying to get pregnant TOGETHER this whole time. She decided to try something on her own secretly. She didn't discuss the option with OP, nor did she mention it to OP after doing it. Why? 2. She found out she's pregnant and for 3 weeks kept it hidden from OP. Why? 3. Even last night, she didn't volunteer it until OP pushed it. Why? There's lack of communication, lack of trust; and sounds like she wants to go her own way having the baby on her own. Add up all these things, and if I were in OP's place, that's exactly what I'd feel--betrayed. 6
Author ConfusedIndeed Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 This message board has people of strong opinion and will, Some will agree with your views, some play devil's advocate for the thrill. Take the discussion with a grain of salt, it comes from a good place, But much like the world, you get varying degrees of viewpoints and taste. I guess that's why I came on here for the varying viewpoints. I appreciate it. I could share this with my friends, but at this point I don't want to talk to them about it. They'd have varying viewpoints too. Maybe it's just too close for me with them.
Buckeye2 Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 So the doctor used hormones to make her ovulate and that was the window he gave her? During that window she was AI and had sex with you? That’s just stupid. Why didn't she have you make a donation? 1
Heracles Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Just because she can't be a biological parent doesn't give her the right to take that away from you with no discussion. She may be desperate but that is one of the most selfish acts I can think of. It’s inexcusable. I would run for the hills. Don't worry mate. He is going nowhere. He is ok with all that. It is excusable to him. Don't you see? He's so emotionally invested. He cares about her so much that he, himself doesn't matter. Isn't that beautiful?
ExpatInItaly Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 What in the what... I'm a woman too; I understand the desire to be a mother. But I have hard time comprehending her motivations to get AI without cluing you in beforehand, OP. As I understand it, you have been solid the last 5 years, albeit long-distance at the moment. Rocky relationship prior to that or not, taking a huge step like this without bothering to mention it until now raises a lot of questions. 1) Ask to see documentation from her fertility clinic/doctor/what have you. 2) You two are clearly not on the same page about important life decisions. For whatever reason, she didn't feel the need or desire to talk to you about this. 3) What role does she anticipate you will have in her and child's life in the future, if any at all? I'm sorry OP, but something isn't adding up about this for me either. 1
Gaeta Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Tests were done over the following months, and the doctor said that it didn't work and she was not pregnant. I have a problem with that. So tests were done over MONTHS and a bunch of DOCTORS told her she was not pregnant.These doctors are 'la crème de la crème' in terms of fertility. Do you really think a pregnancy of several months would have escaped them? Blood test and ultra-sound and all ? 5
oldshirt Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Another thing to clear up, I have no idea what I'm doing, but walking away would be very difficult. All the options are on the table. I'm hurt she did this without my knowledge. I feel like I'm being pigeonholed as a deadbeat at times on this message board. I don't think you are a deadbeat at all. If anything you are being played for a fool and a chump. The best case scenario here is she took you out of the equation and got inseminated by some random dude's sperm without your foreknowledge or consent and did it because she wanted a child whether you wanted it or not or whether you wanted to be involved or not. She is also probably just assuming that you would accept this and go along with it anyway whether you wanted to or not. In otherwords, you and your opinion and your wishes simply do not matter to her. That is the BEST case scenario in this situation. Now it could turn out that the child happens to be yours, but that would just be happenstance. She went through the AI procedure on her own without your knowledge and consent regardless if you are the father or no. SO THE BOTTOMLINE HERE IS SHE DOESN'T CARE WHO'S SPERM IT IS AND DOESN'T CARE WHO THE FATHER IS AND DOESN'T CARE IF YOU WANT TO BE A PART OF IT OR NOT. get a lawyer and paternity test so know who the father is and no what your options are whether it turns out to be yours or the sperm bank's.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Tests were done over the following months, and the doctor said that it didn't work and she was not pregnant. I have a problem with that. So tests were done over MONTHS and a bunch of DOCTORS told her she was not pregnant.These doctors are 'la crème de la crème' in terms of fertility. Do you really think a pregnancy of several months would have escaped them? Blood test and ultra-sound and all ? I agree with all of the above. OP, I just have a very bad feeling that she's still not being honest with you. There are holes in her version of events. 2
oldshirt Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Tests were done over the following months, and the doctor said that it didn't work and she was not pregnant. I have a problem with that. So tests were done over MONTHS and a bunch of DOCTORS told her she was not pregnant.These doctors are 'la crème de la crème' in terms of fertility. Do you really think a pregnancy of several months would have escaped them? Blood test and ultra-sound and all ? I agree, things are smelling awful fishy here. Things aren't adding up. Has anyone mentioned getting a lawyer and paternity test?
Author ConfusedIndeed Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 What in the what... I'm a woman too; I understand the desire to be a mother. But I have hard time comprehending her motivations to get AI without cluing you in beforehand, OP. As I understand it, you have been solid the last 5 years, albeit long-distance at the moment. Rocky relationship prior to that or not, taking a huge step like this without bothering to mention it until now raises a lot of questions. 1) Ask to see documentation from her fertility clinic/doctor/what have you. 2) You two are clearly not on the same page about important life decisions. For whatever reason, she didn't feel the need or desire to talk to you about this. 3) What role does she anticipate you will have in her and child's life in the future, if any at all? I'm sorry OP, but something isn't adding up about this for me either. She's explaining this as a rush into things with her doctor. As for 3)- still figuring this all out. She wants it, but she als wants to be solid in our relationship.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 She's explaining this as a rush into things with her doctor. As for 3)- still figuring this all out. She wants it, but she als wants to be solid in our relationship. Rushing to perform a medical procedure is one thing. Neglecting to inform you until pushed by you to open up months after said procedure - quite something else. That's why I have serious reservations about her story. Doesn't make a lot of sense. 1
Mrin Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Has anyone mentioned getting a lawyer and paternity test? Lol. Some guy named youngpants mentioned I think. ;-) 2
losangelena Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 SO THE BOTTOMLINE HERE IS SHE DOESN'T CARE WHO'S SPERM IT IS AND DOESN'T CARE WHO THE FATHER IS AND DOESN'T CARE IF YOU WANT TO BE A PART OF IT OR NOT. I see where you're coming from, but if I may, I don't necessarily agree. To me, her actions, her evasiveness, suggest that she does care. If she were so cavalier about not wanting/needing OP to be a part of this, I doubt she would have waited so long to tell him or keep it a secret. In my mind, hers are the actions of someone who's (rightly) afraid of how the other person is going to react. Which seems quite normal when talking about two people have been with each other for over a decade. So, I think she cares a great deal. She's acting like a guilty person, and whether she's guilty simply of not including him, or of being unfaithful, those things will be revealed. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I see where you're coming from, but if I may, I don't necessarily agree. To me, her actions, her evasiveness, suggest that she does care. If she were so cavalier about not wanting/needing OP to be a part of this, I doubt she would have waited so long to tell him or keep it a secret. In my mind, hers are the actions of someone who's (rightly) afraid of how the other person is going to react. Which seems quite normal when talking about two people have been with each other for over a decade. So, I think she cares a great deal. She's acting like a guilty person, and whether she's guilty simply of not including him, or of being unfaithful, those things will be revealed. Honestly, this would make more sense than this secret AI. I have a feeling this is the more likely version: slept with or has been sleeping with someone else. Got pregnant. Doesn't know whose baby it is (other man's or OP's) and is trying to cover-up 4
BluEyeL Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Yeah it does not add up. I'm inclined to agree with Expat. I don't think a lawyer is necessary of its not your kid. The secret AI plus the doctors saying she's not pregnant doesn't make sense.
Buckeye2 Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 (edited) Honestly, this would make more sense than this secret AI. I have a feeling this is the more likely version: slept with or has been sleeping with someone else. Got pregnant. Doesn't know whose baby it is (other man's or OP's) and is trying to cover-up I agree. Or she knows for sure the other man has no interest it raising a child. He's married or has otherwise made that very clear. Or he's just not dad material. She thought she couldn't get pregnant so why not have a boy friend on the other side of the country. A miracle happens and she has to come up with a story. She's setting it up in case the kid isn't OPs. It's very easy to forge official looking documents with computers. Look up the number for the clinic yourself (i.e. don't get it off the document she gives you). Call them yourself. Edited December 31, 2015 by Buckeye2
Popsicle Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Dude, you live across the nation from each other and are not married nor have any other ties to each other, yet you seem to think you're still together. That was the first and biggest mistake on your part. You are not even a couple. Move on. She's went and got a baby by someone who could fertilize her. Move on. Her urgency is taking precedence over everything else.
HereNorThere Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 (edited) She's definitely leaving something out of the equation. If she truly used AI, there will be a huge paper trail and it will be easily verifiable. However, it seems to me like this just a plot to cuckold you. The AI story gives her plausible deniability when the baby pops out and looks nothing like you. Just whatever you do, never sign a birth certificate without having your own dna test done. Once you sign that paper, she has you on the hook for life. And truthfully, it's time to let go of this woman. By all accounts, she's pretty nuts. Edited December 31, 2015 by HereNorThere 1
DrReplyInRhymes Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Just whatever you do, never sign a birth certificate without having your own dna test done. Once you sign that paper, she has you on the hook for life. https://verdict.justia.com/2012/10/16/when-your-daddy-is-not-really-your-daddy I do not know the credibility of these opinions, but her credentials check out
losangelena Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 (edited) And truthfully, it's time to let go of this woman. By all accounts, she's pretty nuts. Wow, I'm sorry, but "pretty nuts?" Yes, she's acted shady and something about this account doesn't exactly add up, but to jump to "b*tch be crazy" is over the line, I think. Listen, we don't KNOW the situation. We know what OP has told us, the details that OP has chosen to share. We don't know their entire 11-year history, and we certainly don't know the truth of what's going on inside this woman's uterus. As it was oh-so-condescendingly said to me yesterday on the Bill Cosby thread—innocent until proven guilty. Let's leave the histrionics out of it. Edited December 31, 2015 by losangelena 2
Toodaloo Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Rushing to perform a medical procedure is one thing. Neglecting to inform you until pushed by you to open up months after said procedure - quite something else. That's why I have serious reservations about her story. Doesn't make a lot of sense. Is it me or do people not just pick up the phone these days? I don't think I could make such life changing decisions without a quick phone call to my significant other... I think that is probably why you have been on/ off over 11 years and both have problems with committing to each other. I think you both know at the bottom of your hearts and heads that its not right... Just saying. Good luck and I should really think long and hard about this one... 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Is it me or do people not just pick up the phone these days? I don't think I could make such life changing decisions without a quick phone call to my significant other... I think that is probably why you have been on/ off over 11 years and both have problems with committing to each other. I think you both know at the bottom of your hearts and heads that its not right... Just saying. Good luck and I should really think long and hard about this one... Exactly. Whatever the real story is, there are a boatload of serious problems in the relationship.
Toodaloo Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Exactly. Whatever the real story is, there are a boatload of serious problems in the relationship. Agreed. I mean hell - I used to call to find out if he wanted anything in the supermarket or if a different kind of bread was OK when his usual wasn't available... A baby? Well that is a bit more serious than "they don't have granary so will five seeds do for now...?" And that relationship wasn't great... Just saying OP... you have a great deal more than you think to go through in this one. I would seriously get that paternity test... 1
Rejected Rosebud Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 He is NOT the dad. She admitted that it's not his. She used a sperm donor and a donor egg or fooled around. The question is if it's biologically hers or not. The OP has said more than once that he could be the dad. They have been having sex.
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