justanotherguy1 Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Its a blessing in disguise. I know it hurts you because its not biolgically your baby, but if this didnt happen then something else wouldve, a serrogate mother or even adoption. Shes a woman in her 40s and the opportunity has come for her to experience one of the most beautiful experiences a woman can experience. She would give anything for this and the opportunity came and she snatched at it which all women would do. your looking at this wrong. your in your 40s also, and now you are gonna be a dad. you could never ask for more. this baby would help seal your relationship and also bring you closer together. moving up and down with jobs would no longer exist because the baby would be the priority. look at is for what i really is. A blessing. 5
Mrin Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 But hey you don't have to accept it if you don't want to....she will be just as happy to raise this child on her own.....she just wants a baby and to experience being a mother. Ya, I think this really comes down to 2 different issues - 1) where did it come from and 2) what now? Setting aside the ambiguities of #1, #2 is a big issue. Let's face it - the OP is just a spectator on this. They're not married. He's (probably) not the biological father. They don't live together or even in the same time zone. She's sound successful, mature and independent. She honestly may not have intended or currently have decided if the OP is going to be a part of the picture going forward. As you said smackie - she wanted the experience of being a mother. There are lots of women at her age who make this decision independently with the intention of just raising the child without a father being in the picture. The OP's role in this story has yet to be decided and it is probably more her decision than his. All that being said OP - best of luck! Take some time to sit with this and really decide what you're going to do. If you're going all in, make sure you go ALL IN. Total commitment to be this baby's father for the rest of your life. 3
Buckeye2 Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 (edited) But hey you don't have to accept it if you don't want to....she will be just as happy to raise this child on her own.....she just wants a baby and to experience being a mother. If the doctor used his frozen sperm then he might have to pay child support. It depends on what the paperwork says. DO NOT marry her until you DNA the kid. There is an expensive DNA test you can do before the baby is born that just uses a drop of blood from you and her. But it's so far along that you might as will wait until it's born and get a kit from a drug store. The problem is what name to put on the birth cert for the dad. A child is a child. It's interesting you were ok to have a child from an egg donor but you're not ok from a sperm donor. If "a child is a child" why do people get upset when the hospital gives them the wrong kid? Edited December 31, 2015 by Buckeye2 3
smackie9 Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 She doesn't need to worry about child support, in fact I doubt she would even push for it......she has a good job and is independent.
Buckeye2 Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 She doesn't need to worry about child support, in fact I doubt she would even push for it......she has a good job and is independent. But that would be up to her. 1
Buckeye2 Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I'm confused. Is she saying that she used a donor egg? Donor sperm? Or your frozen sperm? 1
oldshirt Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I agree this sounds fishy. There is more here than meets the eye. She either went rogue and took out a withdrawl from the sperm bank on her own regardless of your wishes and input and is simply running it by you now to see if you want to help out with the diapers and stuff and doesn't really care about you either way. Or she has been getting a little side action while you were gone and got pregnant (which she may have been lax on the birth control since she was having trouble getting pregnant with you) and she is now running it by you to see if you will play along with it. Maybe she hit the other guy first but he declined to stay in the picture or he doesn't make as much money or wouldn't be good father material. Either way I would have a huge huge problem with this. sumth,n just ain't right here. First step would be to get a lawyer to determine your legal rights and responsibilities and see what options you have and what actions you can take. Second step would be to get a DNA test to see if you have any biological connection to this child at all. 1
oldshirt Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 ...and I also want to add that not only does this all sound real sketchy and fishy, but I think her honesty needs to be questioned at all points. Do not go by anything she says. You need to get documentation and records from all the clinics and doctors and fertility clinics etc etc. That is one of the reasons you need an attorney, those records may need to be subpoena'd. 1
Gaeta Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 If "a child is a child" why do people get upset when the hospital gives them the wrong kid? We're not talking accidental switch at birth. My answer is related this context here. 2
losangelena Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 OP, I'm curious to know what about this situation you're most upset about? 1. She did this without taking to you 2. It's potentially not yours 3. (I guess) she may have cheated You don't mention anything about infidelity in your post, but do you think that's a possibility? Fwiw, to all the doubters, I also have a friend who didn't realize she was pregnant until about 5 months in. Gained weight, missed periods (not so strange when your 40) and negative home pregnancy tests will do it. She eventually had a blood test that showed, so don't all be so skeptical. 1
Author ConfusedIndeed Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 I just want to reiterate we have been ON and together for five years. On and off for s total of 11. In those 5 years we've been through three miscarriages together. To just think of me as some nonchalant nobody who should have no say in anything is a bit unfair. I'm emotionally invested in this relationship. I'm still getting over the hurt she did this in her own. Just because we live in different time zones doesn't make us any less committed in a partnership. It also doesn't discount any future plans we have discussed together. This AI was random sperm. Not mine. Upon first tests, her doctor said this AI did not take. She even thought she got her period from time to time. It may be my kid for all we know. We've been seeing each other monthly since I've been in LA. In fact at the time of the AI, she was in LA for a job, but we were living together in NYC. I'm still processing everything, but I appreciate your input.
Buckeye2 Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 We're not talking accidental switch at birth. My answer is related this context here. She may have done an "accidental" switch on him. I think women tend to be above it all when it comes to who the biological parent is. It's just not that important. A child is a child. I think it's because the know it's their kid because it came out of them. They can afford to be high minded. That's why the hospital making a mistake is different. Then it's not the woman's biological kid. Game changer. 1
Buckeye2 Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 This AI was random sperm. Not mine. Upon first tests, her doctor said this AI did not take. She even thought she got her period from time to time. It may be my kid for all we know. We've been seeing each other monthly since I've been in LA. In fact at the time of the AI, she was in LA for a job, but we were living together in NYC. I'm still processing everything, but I appreciate your input. Just because she can't be a biological parent doesn't give her the right to take that away from you with no discussion. She may be desperate but that is one of the most selfish acts I can think of. It’s inexcusable. I would run for the hills.
DrReplyInRhymes Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Call me rude, call me an ass, but seriously, what the hell, If I was in your position, I think I'd have a different view to tell, It's MY genes I want to raise, MY genes I want to pass down through, This whole situation would have me furious and skeptical too! Not only is her fidelity in question, but you may not really be the biological dad, That would be devastating AND a tragedy to me, I would feel like I was had. There is just something about raising a kid that's not mine, That you had no choice in the matter, and to me, that's not fine! 3
Gaeta Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 She may have done an "accidental" switch on him. I think women tend to be above it all when it comes to who the biological parent is. It's just not that important. A child is a child. I think it's because the know it's their kid because it came out of them. They can afford to be high minded. That's why the hospital making a mistake is different. Then it's not the woman's biological kid. Game changer. This woman in an adult, financially independent, not married to OP, they do not even live together. If she wants to go and have herself impregnated at a sperm bank it's her choice. She is not imposing anything on OP. It's HIS choice to be part of it or not. If they were married or a common-law couple it would be different. I think OP also made his choice when he decided to date this women for years and years but never made it official with her. Now he cries she is making independent decisions ? Really? If he wants to make 'married couples' decisions then he should have played his card better. 6
Gaeta Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Call me rude, call me an ass, but seriously, what the hell, If I was in your position, I think I'd have a different view to tell, It's MY genes I want to raise, MY genes I want to pass down through, This whole situation would have me furious and skeptical too! Not only is her fidelity in question, but you may not really be the biological dad, That would be devastating AND a tragedy to me, I would feel like I was had. There is just something about raising a kid that's not mine, That you had no choice in the matter, and to me, that's not fine! Thank god not all men think like this otherwise thousands of innocent children would not be adopted. 4
Buckeye2 Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 He is NOT the dad. She admitted that it's not his. She used a sperm donor and a donor egg or fooled around. The question is if it's biologically hers or not.
Author ConfusedIndeed Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 This woman in an adult, financially independent, not married to OP, they do not even live together. If she wants to go and have herself impregnated at a sperm bank it's her choice. She is not imposing anything on OP. It's HIS choice to be part of it or not. If they were married or a common-law couple it would be different. I think OP also made his choice when he decided to date this women for years and years but never made it official with her. Now he cries she is making independent decisions ? Really? If he wants to make 'married couples' decisions then he should have played his card better. That's not fair. You have no idea what we've been through as a couple. Please do not assume that I was against marriage. The reason we can't make "married couples" decisions is both of our faults. Don't make her out to be someone twiddling her thumbs waiting for me to pop the question. That's completely unfair. 1
Buckeye2 Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 This woman in an adult, financially independent, not married to OP, they do not even live together. If she wants to go and have herself impregnated at a sperm bank it's her choice. She is not imposing anything on OP. It's HIS choice to be part of it or not. If they were married or a common-law couple it would be different. I think OP also made his choice when he decided to date this women for years and years but never made it official with her. Now he cries she is making independent decisions ? Really? If he wants to make 'married couples' decisions then he should have played his card better. If she doesn't want him to help her raise the kid then you are totally correct. 1
Author ConfusedIndeed Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 He is NOT the dad. She admitted that it's not his. She used a sperm donor and a donor egg or fooled around. The question is if it's biologically hers or not. We don't know if I am the father or not yet. She was artificially insemintated as far as I know. The doctor gave her an open window and she took it without talking to me. According to her doctor, the AI did not take. We have been together obviously many times since then. It may or may not be mine. As for infidelity, I hope not.
Gaeta Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 He is NOT the dad. She admitted that it's not his. She used a sperm donor and a donor egg or fooled around. The question is if it's biologically hers or not. I am asking again.........so he is not the dad? They want a child together. They tried everything under the sun and even considered egg donor. If you do not have it in you to parent and love a child that comes from an egg or sperm donor you don't 'consider' the possibility. You say right away no, you can't do that. 1
DrReplyInRhymes Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Thank god not all men think like this otherwise thousands of innocent children would not be adopted. I see what you're saying, but adoption comes as a choice. In this situation, he was never given a chance to speak his voice. 1
Gaeta Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 That's not fair. You have no idea what we've been through as a couple. Please do not assume that I was against marriage. The reason we can't make "married couples" decisions is both of our faults. Don't make her out to be someone twiddling her thumbs waiting for me to pop the question. That's completely unfair. Ok, I took a risk saying that but I could have been right. Thanks for clarifying.
Author ConfusedIndeed Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 I am asking again.........so he is not the dad? They want a child together. They tried everything under the sun and even considered egg donor. If you do not have it in you to parent and love a child that comes from an egg or sperm donor you don't 'consider' the possibility. You say right away no, you can't do that. Another thing to clear up, I have no idea what I'm doing, but walking away would be very difficult. All the options are on the table. I'm hurt she did this without my knowledge. I feel like I'm being pigeonholed as a deadbeat at times on this message board. 1
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