ConfusedIndeed Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I don't really know where this post belongs considering my girlfriend and I have been dating on and off for 11 years, but I just got a major bombshell dropped on me. Not sure how to make this long story short, but it's been a rough relationship between the two of us, however we do love each other so much. As I said, we've been on and off, but more together than apart. The last time we got back together was 5 years ago. The last few years have been particularly difficult. We've been through three miscarriages. She's now 43, and I'm 42. Having a baby was very important to us. We went through many fertility options, and the last miscarriage was very hard. When we couldn't retrieve any of her eggs to freeze, we looked into a donor egg option. That seemed like a route we'd be ok with sometime in the future. The thing with us that my girlfriend brings up is that why has it been so hard for us to move forward, get married, and settle down. It's been both of our faults. We were living in NYC, and I took a job in LA after we both discussed it. She had one work obligation to take care of, and if there were no prospects in NYC, she would move to LA. After I took the job, she had a dream job offered to her. She declined it at first, but I told her to take it and we will make it work. Probably me moving back to NYC. As I said, things have been really rough recently. She has mentioned she was unhappy many times, and so was I, but I know I wanted it to work out. That brings us to last night. We had decided to get out of town and spend a week together to talk about us. She's been having health problems that have been non descript. When I ask her about them, she brushes them off and says we will discuss it. She first wanted to talk about us. After I pushed the issue and wanted her to tell me about her health, she told me she was pregnant. She just found out after Thanksgiving (we spent Thanksgiving together). It also turns out she was about 7 months pregnant. She didn't know. Apparently, she was working in LA (I wasn't in town) and has a fertility doctor there. She mentioned this part to me at the time, but her doctor said that there was a very small window for her to get pregnant and it could be now or never. Without my knowledge, she decided to get artificially inseminated. The way she explained it last night was she wanted to see if it would take. From there we would decide what to do if she got pregnant. Tests were done over the following months, and the doctor said that it didn't work and she was not pregnant. She was surprised to find out that 3 weeks ago she was pregnant. It may be from the insemination, and there is also a chance it could be from me. I'm blown away and don't know what to do. I'm just processing this. I'm having a hard time thinking it's my kid. How can I make it work and stay with her. I feel betrayed.
Gaeta Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 A child is a child. It's interesting you were ok to have a child from an egg donor but you're not ok from a sperm donor. 9
Author ConfusedIndeed Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 You're right about that. The difference in those situations is that we discussed the donor egg option. We never talked about the artificial insemination. It just never came up as an option and never came up in conversation. I hope you don't think me a hipocrit, but to go through with something like that and not tell your partner is a big deal and something I'm trying to process. 1
Author ConfusedIndeed Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 7 months?? Or 7 weeks?? She's now 7 months pregnant. I saw her during Thanksgiving a few weeks ago. She's gained weight from the miscarriages, so I didn't notice much a difference. She says she physically didn't notice anything either.
smackie9 Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I get it's an ego buster BUT isn't this what you both wanted??? IMO who's baby it is shouldn't matter at this point.....you are going to be parents to a little baby that's going to need love and nurturing. It will be a wonderful journey. Be positive. 4
Gaeta Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 7 months?? Or 7 weeks?? I have a friend who was 6 months pregnant and didn't know. She was not big either just chubby in the stomach and she thought it was her previous pregnancy baby fat she could not burn.
smackie9 Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 She didn't tell you because either A) she feared you would object to the idea of a sperm donor or B) didn't want to bring more disappointing news or C) a combination of both.
Gaeta Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 You're right about that. The difference in those situations is that we discussed the donor egg option. We never talked about the artificial insemination. It just never came up as an option and never came up in conversation. I hope you don't think me a hipocrit, but to go through with something like that and not tell your partner is a big deal and something I'm trying to process. You both wanted to have a baby so much and went through a lot together with several miscarriages and huge amounts of money on fertility clinics. The when and how she got pregnant is secondary (she didn't cheat). She made it happen for the both of you. You will be parents in 2 months so you need to process this quickly ! Sure your ego is taking a blow but isn't the end result what matters? 1
WomenWubber Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Do you believe in "the end justifies the means"? 1
Author ConfusedIndeed Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 She didn't tell you because either A) she feared you would object to the idea of a sperm donor or B) didn't want to bring more disappointing news or C) a combination of both. If this were to happen to to you, where your significant other was artificially inseminated without telling you, or (I know this is a bit out there) used their sperm and asked someone to carry their baby without you knowing, that wouldn't bother you? Is it my ego getting in the way that I'm bothered she did this on her own? I feel like I'm coming off as an unsupportive ego driven male jerk here. I'm just trying to understand.
JamesM Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 And being that she is your on and off girlfriend (hence no real commitment), then she did not need to consult you if she wanted to try artificial insemination. If it was from AI, then you should be happy as you can be parents without any outside interference from another man. And if it was from you, then you should be very happy. I assume that you know for certain that it was not from another man since you are an on...and off again...couple?
Author ConfusedIndeed Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 And being that she is your on and off girlfriend (hence no real commitment), then she did not need to consult you if she wanted to try artificial insemination. If it was from AI, then you should be happy as you can be parents without any outside interference from another man. And if it was from you, then you should be very happy. I assume that you know for certain that it was not from another man since you are an on...and off again...couple? I hope it's not another man. We've been "on" for the past 5 years. She says she has the paperwork from the insemination. 1
Gaeta Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 If this were to happen to to you, where your significant other was artificially inseminated without telling you, or (I know this is a bit out there) used their sperm and asked someone to carry their baby without you knowing, that wouldn't bother you? Is it my ego getting in the way that I'm bothered she did this on her own? I feel like I'm coming off as an unsupportive ego driven male jerk here. I'm just trying to understand. You need to understand her deeper motivation. You as a man will never feel time is running out on you to have a child. Her time is limited and older she is getting thinner are her chances of conceiving. She wants a child above anything else and yes even above what you may think of it. You have a choice of being part of it and become a parent with the woman you are in love with or you can let your big ego get the best of you and deny yourself a future as a family together. 3
Mrin Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I agree with James. There is some stuff that doesn't add up here. I'd ask to see a receipt from the fertility doctor. Fertility specialists don't mess up on their tests and they don't test once. Further, AI is not cheap and it isn't something you just do on a whim. While it is possible to not realize you're pregnant - women's bodies undergo lots of changes when they conceive. Not just stopping your period or morning sickness... but lots of stuff. And since she's been pregnant a lot in the past - she's no stranger to these symptoms. Let me ask you this - if you wrote a five digit check to get pregnant, wouldn't you be pretty hyper vigilant about seeing if you were rather than taking a "one and done" answer from a doctor? Something doesn't add up OP. 2
Mrin Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I hope it's not another man. We've been "on" for the past 5 years. She says she has the paperwork from the insemination. I'd ask to see it. Honestly, I highly doubt she made it to her third trimester without knowing she was pregnant (see my previous post). Another explanation aside from the other man theory is that she was planning on doing this on her own. That this was a Her decision. Which does sort of make sense with you being 3 time zones away and the relationship being rocky. If that's the case, you probably just need to have an honest conversation about whether this is going to be a Her thing or a We thing. She may not want you in the picture as the "father". Honestly - right now given your marital, non-genetic status and geographic proximity, you're kind of a spectator. Has anything like this come up in your conversation with her? 3
Author ConfusedIndeed Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 I agree with James. There is some stuff that doesn't add up here. I'd ask to see a receipt from the fertility doctor. Fertility specialists don't mess up on their tests and they don't test once. Further, AI is not cheap and it isn't something you just do on a whim. While it is possible to not realize you're pregnant - women's bodies undergo lots of changes when they conceive. Not just stopping your period or morning sickness... but lots of stuff. And since she's been pregnant a lot in the past - she's no stranger to these symptoms. Let me ask you this - if you wrote a five digit check to get pregnant, wouldn't you be pretty hyper vigilant about seeing if you were rather than taking a "one and done" answer from a doctor? Something doesn't add up OP. I know it's not cheap considering how much just attempting to freeze eggs cost. She has offered up the paperwork to me. I haven't seen it yet though. This potential scenario is nauseating.
Author ConfusedIndeed Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 I'd ask to see it. Honestly, I highly doubt she made it to her third trimester without knowing she was pregnant (see my previous post). Another explanation aside from the other man theory is that she was planning on doing this on her own. That this was a Her decision. Which does sort of make sense with you being 3 time zones away and the relationship being rocky. If that's the case, you probably just need to have an honest conversation about whether this is going to be a Her thing or a We thing. She may not want you in the picture as the "father". Honestly - right now given your marital, non-genetic status and geographic proximity, you're kind of a spectator. Has anything like this come up in your conversation with her? All of this just came out last night to be honest. I'm still processing it all. Our plan was that I would move back in February before knowing she's pregnant. I don't know what's going to happen now.
smackie9 Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 If this were to happen to to you, where your significant other was artificially inseminated without telling you, or (I know this is a bit out there) used their sperm and asked someone to carry their baby without you knowing, that wouldn't bother you? Is it my ego getting in the way that I'm bothered she did this on her own? I feel like I'm coming off as an unsupportive ego driven male jerk here. I'm just trying to understand. You are not a woman desperate to have a baby and what it really means to her. You will never understand that feeling. 6
JamesM Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I know it's not cheap considering how much just attempting to freeze eggs cost. She has offered up the paperwork to me. I haven't seen it yet though. This potential scenario is nauseating. Take her up on her offer and look at it. That should help you better understand this. Offering it does not mean she did it. Only seeing it does, and then look at it closely. Many people when confronted will offer up proof for their position. This is a way to show that they are being truthful because why would they offer if they had none? I am NOT saying that she must have cheated at all. I am saying to do this for YOUR mental state. If you don't, then you will always have a question in your mind. And then you may want to get a DNA test to decide if it is yours because the future with her is uncertain. Knowing it is yours means you are responsible. Finding out that it is a result of AI means you are not financially responsible. 2
JamesM Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 You are not a woman desperate to have a baby and what it really means to her. You will never understand that feeling. Very true. On the other hand, if you have been together for five years and no break up, then her reasons really are two: She didn't tell you because she knew you would not want it. She didn't tell you because it wasn't artificial. 2
smackie9 Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 But hey you don't have to accept it if you don't want to....she will be just as happy to raise this child on her own.....she just wants a baby and to experience being a mother. 6
Author ConfusedIndeed Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 Very true. On the other hand, if you have been together for five years and no break up, then her reasons really are two: She didn't tell you because she knew you would not want it. She didn't tell you because it wasn't artificial. Why would she bring up AI then? I guess if she was messing around and it wasn't my kid...this is insane.
smackie9 Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 It goes to show you why your relationship has been off and on, rocky for the last few years.....you both can't work together as partners. This incident is proof of that. I suggest you both try couples counseling and learn how to be better as a couple. If you don't this will just fail when you go into a marriage. 4
JamesM Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Why would she bring up AI then? I guess if she was messing around and it wasn't my kid...this is insane. Yes, it would be an option to cover for it. She could also have gone for a consult and not followed through. Having said all that, I am simply giving you the options. I am most inclined to believe that she had AI and did not tell you because she knew or was afraid that you would object. And as smackie9 said, she knew her time for having a child was getting short. As an example, my wife spent a couple of thousand dollars for a treatment to lose weight (that didn't work) because she knew I would object. Your GF could have done this for the same reason, and if it didn't work out, then she didn't need to listen to you tell her how it was a waste of money. 3
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