footy1212 Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Basically have a really long story and could use some advice on what to do now.. In my first year of uni I met A. A is clever, pretty, sweet, not a typical 'loud' girl but fun one-on-one. Basically my ideal girl. Eventually I worked up the nerve to ask her out. She was a bit hesitant (she said she'd had some bad experiences before) but agreed to go out with me. A few weeks later we go on a date, and over the summer it turns into a relationship. It's my first relationship (and embarrassingly first kiss); she had a bit more experience (although as she put it, none of it good). She's a really nice gf, but quite private, she didn't like putting up couply pictures of us online or being couply in public, which seemed sort of weird compared to other couples we knew. From my perspective it felt like she was hiding the relationship from others (obviously our friends knew, but she never put it on Facebook, didn't have me over to family stuff, etc). She was also relatively conservative (sort of religious and traditional) and wanted to wait a while before sleeping together, so the physical side of stuff progressed slowly (which was completely fine at first because I had no experience but after a while it really seemed too slow). We had some problems because another girl (one of her friends) asked me out while we're already dating, which really upset A. The biggest problem in our relationship was that we're both going to (different) foreign countries as part of our degrees. I wanted to try long-distance. She was wary of long-distance because she said she wasn't sure it would work, wasn't sure she'd be able to visit me enough (she has uptight parents) for it to 'feel' like a relationship, and didn't want to be dumped over Skype. At some point I started to feel like I was being led on--why am I dating this girl who's planning on breaking up with me once we go abroad? Is she just using this study abroad as an excuse to get out of the relationship because she thinks she can do better? We started to argue more and more (at one point breaking up for about a month), and then right before she left to go abroad I gave her an ultimatum--that she had to decide whether she would commit to a year of long-distance dating or that was it--and she said she couldn't commit so that was that. Anyway, I was really upset when that happened, and in the first few months I travelled to visit her a few times in the hopes of talking and reconciling. Every time I visited we got back together but she never said anything about wanting to resume a relationship again, so I figure that was that. I don't think she was interested in dating anyone else--she didn't have much of a social life and was working long hours--I just think she'd decided I wasn't worth her investing all that time in a long-distance relationship. Anyway, at this time I also met another girl on my study abroad--B. B is virtually A's opposite--not a stereotypically 'cute pretty bookish girl' but lots of fun, more outgoing, and we have shared non-mainstream interests that A and I never had. Basically we connect in all the ways A and I didn't, and we don't have the problems A and I did. I find myself having feelings for B, and I ask her out. (By the time I ask out B I haven't seen A in a few months, although we are still skyping/messaging, but I don't really have feelings for A anymore.) Eventually I tell A about B and A gets really upset. She really loses it at me--telling me that she still has feelings for me, that when she said she couldn't date while abroad she'd just meant visiting was difficult, not that she wanted to break up and to see other people, that she hadn't meant for me to date other girls, etc. I feel bad but on the other hand this all sounds like bull to me; it's sort of like she's mad that she's just lost her safety blanket. B doesn't like that I'm still talking to A, and this causes all sorts of problems in our relationship. Eventually I tell A to back off, that I'm not dating her anymore, and that if she wants to be friends that's fine, but that's all. My feelings for B have really grown and we just 'match' better than A and I did. It's awkward because I still see A around at university (B and I are long distance) but I just deal with that. After about six months of long-distance, B tells me that it doesn't feel like a relationship anymore and ends it. I visit her and try to get her back but she says it's over. A couple months later she messages me--turns out she's met someone new. I have no idea if she knew him while we were dating and don't want to know. We've basically stopped speaking although we message from time to time. A few months later at a party A was drunk and made a move on me (I think by now she'd heard I was single) and we ended up getting together again--although I made it really clear I didn't want to date her and just wanted to be friends. She got annoyed but said that was fine; she didn't think she could ever 'forgive' me for everything anyway. Anyway, we've since graduated and are off doing our own things, I barely speak to B anymore but A is really intent on staying friends--she messages me all the time to chat, asks me to see her when I'm in her area, asks if she can come visit me, etc. The problem is the few times I've see her in person I've had feelings for her and some boundary has been crossed. I kinda feel that she still likes me too--but I just don't see it working out; I just don't think she's the kind of person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I've made that very clear to her--but she's reacted pretty badly to that. She'll say that she doesn't see a 'point' in us being friends, and I know she's been on dates with other guys (although none of them have turned into relationships), but then she'll message be and be up for hanging out so it's confusing. She's asked me to hang out with her a couple weeks from now (I'm going on a work thing near where she lives). Normally I'd be up for it but now I'm not sure; I don't want a boundary to get crossed and for her to get mad again. I honestly don't really know what to do or say; I like A as a friend and sometimes more but I don't want to date her because I don't want to spend my life with her so I feel I have to be really strict in how we hang out. TBH I don't really want to date anyone at this point, (as is probably obvious I'm a mess in my head) but when I do, I know it'll be someone more like B. But is there something I can do to make it better between me and A?
oldshirt Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Good Lord, how long does it take you to decide what you're going to have for breakfast in the morning??? Do you go through this much turmoil to decide what brand of toilet paper to pick up in the store when you are grocery shopping. You are making this way too difficult and you are letting it take up way too much headspace. Get out of the house, meet people, when you come across women that interest you ask them out. Take them out on an honest date and get to know them a little bit. If they still interest you after the first date and you'd like another date, ask them out again. If it doesn't work out or you lose interest or if they lose interest in you and stop responding to you or things aren't going where you want them to go, stop doing that and move on. If B dumped you, that's what getting dumped is, move on. If you don't want to date A and don't want relationship with her, then stop messing around with her and move on. You've already told A you don't want anything more than being on friendly terms with her so she does not have a right to expect more. The next time she wants to get together, tell her that you have other things going on and won't be able to hang out with her from now on and wish her well (she doesn't need to know that those other things are sitting in your underwear playing Xbox) Then stop responding to her txts and messages. If you get a Christmas card from her next year and you feel compelled to send her one too, that is up to you. Move on. get out and do fun things with fun people. Ask out women you meet that you find interesting and would like to get to know better. Eventually one will stick. Until that happens you may date dozens of women to one degree or another until all the stars line up and you find the one.
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