ConfusedInOC Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 Ok, I've read a few books lately that I think would help most people using these forums. I've put them in my signature but I'll post them here in a new thread because I wanted to give you a brief overview of the books and how they might help you: "Love Must Be Tough" - Dr. James Dobson This is a book that deals mostly with marriage and infidelity but it also gives a lot of good pointers on what to do and not do when starting a new relationship. Dr. Dobson is a Christian and there are some principals of Christianity applied but suffice to say anyone, regardless of their religion, will learn a lot in human psychology in regards to relationships. He offers very sound principals that can save your marriage. He is also blunt that in some cases, it could also end in divorce. His principals at least give you a fighting chance to save the marriage. He really focuses on the root problems of the relationship, communication, drawing a line of respect and what to do when all else fails. His principals are not for the faint of heart. They require you gather all your personal strength to face the issues head on and not back down from what you what. It's important you do not share with your SO that you are reading this book or share with them any of the principals. This book is your "fighting" chance and keeping it under your belt is the only way to make it work. This book helped me signifcantly in learning how to start a relationship on the right foot, learning that respect precedes love, how not to suffocate your SO and much more. Rating: 5 of 5 stars "No More Mr. Nice Guy" - Robert A. Glover This book made a significant impact on my life in helping me understand why I acted the way I did with my ex. It delves deep into the root of the "Nice Guy" syndrome. And by that, he doesn't mean "kind" men. He means men that seek approval from women, who are soft and clingy and who have low self-esteem. Men who, as he refers to it, have TOXIC SHAME (the belief they are not good people or worthy of being loved and therefore feel their needs are unimportant). It deals with "covert contracts" and how nice guys use them to manipulate people and cause guilt and pressure in relationships. Those of us with this problem first need to understand the root cause (toxic shame) and then understand how to retrain your thoughts into building your self esteem, getting your needs met, embracing your masculinity, drawing a line of respect and how to have a healthy, successful relationship built on mutual respect (there's that word again.) He also includes exercises and many, many real life examples. This is NOT a Christian book and in many cases he will advocate divorce. To that, I disagree. However, the book on a whole really does take a sound approach to helping men understand the root cause of the "nice guy" syndrome and offers a sound plan for regaining your own happiness, self-esteem and teaches you to embrace your masculinity without being a jerk. Rating: 4 of 5 stars (FWIW, I recommend women with low self-esteem reading this book as some of the underlying issues can be applied to either sex. It will also help you understand what is wrong with your clingy, low self-esteem SO.) If you have any, I'd love to hear what you recommend.
Treasa Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 Well, since there are women here too, I'll recommend Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov. With the exception of one or two chapters, I am in full agreement with everything she says. The one or two chapters I don't agree with is acting dumb and like you need your man. That's crap. I'm not going to call my boyfriend, who lives 25 minutes away, over to change a tire for me when I know how to do it myself. But then again, my boyfriend likes a woman who's smart and capable, so it works. However, every other chapter is pure gold.
blind_otter Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman. Seligman has been in the forefront of research on depression and created the term "learned helplessness" through his experiments with dogs in a pen with an electrified floor. Yeah, he would shock the dogs randomly and those who could escape the shocks remained normal, those that couldn't expressed classic symptoms of depression - not eating/eating too much, sleeping all the time/never sleeping, whining, being unresponsive to stimuli they normally found interesting. I Can't Get Over It by Aphrodite Matsakis I good handbook for trauma survivors, with exercises to work through.
simon_uk Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 Two books I am currently reading Loving What Is by Byron Katie I need Your Love Is that True by Byron Katie Katie has a very unique approach to answering your own conflicts and questions that may be bringing you down. She calls it 'The Work' and so far I have found both books very inspiring. Still very upset at things with the ex though?
miss-gonewest Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 I went online today to have a look at Sherry Argov's book "Why Men Love Bitches" and there were a few others that were offered as well....and I was wondering if anyone had read them & wanted to share their thoughts...? “Why Men Leave: Men Talk About Why They Decided to End the Relationship--And What Might Have Changed Their Minds” by Brenda Shoshanna. “Hearts and Minds: How Our Brains Are Hardwired for Relationships” by Thomas David Kehoe Any other good suggestions would be welcomed (and I read "He's Just Not that Into You" last night so don't bother suggesting that one!)
moimeme Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 A Guide to Rational Living Guide to Personal Happiness Overcoming Destructive Beliefs, Feelings, and Behaviors: New Directions for Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy Dating, Mating, and Relating: How to Build a Healthy Relationship How to Make Yourself Happy and Remarkably Less Disturbable All by Albert Ellis
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme All by Albert Ellis Recommend one as a good introduction and "sell" it to us - I wouldn't buy a whole library by one author straight off, but I might buy one and see if he's good
alphamale Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 "self-help" literature is not a panacea by any means. people are always reading these books but few put what they read into action. not unlike religious books such as the bible, torah and koran, etc... many people read these books but extremely few live by the words
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter he would shock the dogs randomly and those who could escape the shocks remained normal, those that couldn't expressed classic symptoms of depression - not eating/eating too much, sleeping all the time/never sleeping, whining, being unresponsive to stimuli they normally found interesting. Wanna give us the headline recommendations, Otter? I'm interested in knowing the results, but don't want to encourage this kind of bastardry by buying the book.
Mz. Pixie Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Is he/she the one for you by Barbara DeAngelis. The five love Languages by Chapman. His Needs/Her Needs How to affair proof your marriage by Harley.
moimeme Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 All by Albert Ellis Hey - that was supposed to come out as a bulleted list. Hmph. Recommend one as a good introduction and "sell" it to us - I wouldn't buy a whole library by one author straight off, but I might buy one and see if he's good I figured people could pick the one they most feel appropriate to their situation. His first, if you want to start chronologically, is the 'Guide to Rational Living'. If you want to know a bit more, Google 'Albert Ellis' and check out the information about REBT at his organization's web page. REBT (Rational-Emotive Behavioural Therapy). It's a form of cognitive therapy.
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme I figured people could pick the one they most feel appropriate to their situation. His first, if you want to start chronologically, is the 'Guide to Rational Living'. Thus neatly sidestepping the question of which one you'd recommend. Have you actually read any of them moi, or just trying to offload some of them for him?
moimeme Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 I read the 'Guide to Rational Living'. I get it. His approach makes eminent sense. I don't need to read the rest of the books to apply the approach to the different situations but I can see how it might be easier for someone to read the 'relationship' book to help them apply it to relationships, etc. I'm already a very happy human due to my own philosophy which is a combination of Ellis, Buddhism (Ellis is almost secular Buddhism) and spirituality. But I guess if I found myself unhappy or confused in any of those situations, I'd pick up another of his books. I also agree with Ms. Pixie's choices - all great books. And Dr. Phil's 'Self Matters' and 'Relationship Rescue' are also pretty interesting.
cranium Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Both by Dr. Charlotte Kasl - If the Buddha Married, Creating Enduring Relationships on a Spiritual Path and If the Buddha Got Stuck, A Handbook for Change on a Spiritual Path
Author ConfusedInOC Posted June 27, 2005 Author Posted June 27, 2005 Is there a male equivalent to "Why men love b*tches"???? It's no "No More Mr. Nice Guy", that just teaches you how to stop being soft and clingy and works on your self esteem. Or are the concepts taugh in .. "Why men..." found in men with healthy levels of self-esteem?"
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 I am reading a book called "Your Best Life Now" by Joel Osteen. It has helped me get through my separation. I won't rate it because I'm not an expert. I won't recommend it because it's the only book I've read in the last five years, and I started it in Dec and not finished yet. If you're going to rate and/or recommend books I hope you have a wide range of knowledge in the field and I also hope those aren't the only books you read. Let's see, about 20 yrs ago I also read "How to Sell Yourself" and I've never been turned down for a job since. But as I said, I'm not an expert and have no other books to compare it to.
miss-gonewest Posted June 28, 2005 Posted June 28, 2005 Originally posted by Mz. Pixie The five love Languages by Chapman. Pixie, no offence but I thought this book was pretty bad... I guess it may work if you were married, but I thought it would help all folks - married and single. I found it interesting to note the 5 behaviours, but I couldn't find where it gave any advice on how to make 1 type of behavior work with another.... That's the thing with self help books I guess, we are all searching for different answers to different situations. I am now single again and want to do some reading on how not to make the same mistakes again, and why I do/choose/behave a certain way... so I don't go and do it all over again...
Author ConfusedInOC Posted June 28, 2005 Author Posted June 28, 2005 Originally posted by miss-gonewest Pixie, no offence but I thought this book was pretty bad... I guess it may work if you were married, but I thought it would help all folks - married and single. I found it interesting to note the 5 behaviours, but I couldn't find where it gave any advice on how to make 1 type of behavior work with another.... That's the thing with self help books I guess, we are all searching for different answers to different situations. I am now single again and want to do some reading on how not to make the same mistakes again, and why I do/choose/behave a certain way... so I don't go and do it all over again... Men are from Mars is one place to start. Love Must Be Tough works for married and single people.
miss-gonewest Posted June 28, 2005 Posted June 28, 2005 Oh no... I didn't like "Men Are From Mars" either.... is it just me that doesn't take well to self help books? I could see his points and I could see where he was coming from, but I found his tone to be so condescending. I don't like reading books that make me feel like an ignorant child... I did appreciate where "He's Just Not that Into You" was coming from - while it was pretty lowbrow, there was a good message behind it. Oh god, maybe I am even beyond self help - maybe I am doomed????
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 28, 2005 Posted June 28, 2005 Originally posted by miss-gonewest Oh no... I didn't like "Men Are From Mars" either.... is it just me that doesn't take well to self help books? Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus Pop psychology is from Uranus Oh god, maybe I am even beyond self help - maybe I am doomed???? No sweetie, it's just that one-size-fits-all is definitely not true in the world of self-help. You have to find a book that's relevant to you.
moimeme Posted June 28, 2005 Posted June 28, 2005 Oh no... I didn't like "Men Are From Mars" either.... is it just me that doesn't take well to self help books? I could see his points and I could see where he was coming from, but I found his tone to be so condescending. I don't like reading books that make me feel like an ignorant child... How's about not critiquing the 'tone' of the writers and just taking the information for its worth? I don't love Gray to death, though having seen him speak in person changed my opinion of him favourably, however a lot of what he talks about in his book is invaluable information on the male psyche IMHO. Chapman's 'Love Languages' is also pretty bang on but you're right; it's information for people in relationships. If you want some straight talk, try Dr. Laura Schlessinger's 'Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives'. I don't like her generally, but that book's a keeper IMHO.
sweetadeline Posted June 28, 2005 Posted June 28, 2005 I really like a book called *How to Be an Adult,* by David Richo. In fact, I liked it so much that I just ordered his *How to Be an Adult in Relationships.* He combines a Buddhist and a Jungian approach, identifying fear, anger, and guilt as the main forces that sabotage relationships--and offering suggestions for dealing with them.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted June 28, 2005 Author Posted June 28, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme If you want some straight talk, try Dr. Laura Schlessinger's 'Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives'. I don't like her generally, but that book's a keeper IMHO. Many people don't like her. If anyone is rude and condescending, it's her. (And she's a hypocrite).
moimeme Posted June 28, 2005 Posted June 28, 2005 Many people don't like her. If anyone is rude and condescending, it's her. Yes, and if you read my post, I said I don't like her generally. However, astonishingly enough, even people you don't like can come out with some sensible advice from time to time It's a good book. Check it out at Amazon - you can read the table of contents.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted June 28, 2005 Author Posted June 28, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme Yes, and if you read my post, I said I don't like her generally. However, astonishingly enough, even people you don't like can come out with some sensible advice from time to time It's a good book. Check it out at Amazon - you can read the table of contents. I did. Ordered the first one last night Advice, even good advice, is often ignored when delivered in an incompassionate manner. I know you said you don't care for her too much, and even though she might give good advice, I know I'd rather have my eyes pecked out by a crow than listen to her speak.
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