Can't figure out why I am not 100% into him.

[seekingluck]

So I am trying on "multi-dating" to get over a crush. (Crush is unavailable at the moment but still in touch. Not waiting around for him, but I wouldn't be opposed if he was suddenly available either.)

 

So I am "looking." I am trying online dating again. And I realize I hate it. And I will try other means in the new year. I was about to disconnect again, but I ended up getting a message from a guy the other day that seemed interesting enough.

 

We exchanged a few messages. He was close enough to my neighborhood, we decided to meet up for coffee. It turned out that place was full so we had lunch instead.

 

Lunch was pretty good. We had lots to talk about. A good amount of stuff in common. He was interesting.

 

I took him up on his offer of a movie at his place (no red flags). We attempted to watch the movie. It was interrupted by cuddling, a bit of kissing and falling asleep, by both of us.

 

We finished watching the movie and I left, we both had other plans. He promised to call later. He texted me a little while later to check if I got home safely (aww).

 

I got home and I was a little confused.

 

I spent maybe 5 hours with him today between lunch and the movie. Conversation was good (though he is a little phone obsessed, like many people in my age group.). Not too many awkward spots. He's attractive and the right age group for me (1 year older). He opens doors (which is something I really like!). He's affectionate. We have a similar quirky sense of humor. We have some interests in common, and made tentative plans to go to a museum soon. We thought of other stuff we could do together.

 

He seems to have close relationships with friends and family. I felt comfortable enough around him to go watch a movie. We have chemistry, sexual and personality. He made it clear he is attracted to me.

 

What I am on the fence about? He has kids. And there is something I am not completely sure about.

 

He seems like a pretty good fit on paper! At least for the short term. Not so sure what my hesitation is.

 

Also, not sure when we are meeting up again. But that is my fault, I am pretty booked over the next few days.

 

What do you think? I am I just being oddly hesitant? Not sure what is wrong though nothing is obviously so.

[strawberryshortstack]

So I am trying on "multi-dating" to get over a crush. (Crush is unavailable at the moment but still in touch. Not waiting around for him, but I wouldn't be opposed if he was suddenly available either.)

 

So I am "looking." I am trying online dating again. And I realize I hate it. And I will try other means in the new year. I was about to disconnect again, but I ended up getting a message from a guy the other day that seemed interesting enough.

 

We exchanged a few messages. He was close enough to my neighborhood, we decided to meet up for coffee. It turned out that place was full so we had lunch instead.

 

Lunch was pretty good. We had lots to talk about. A good amount of stuff in common. He was interesting.

 

I took him up on his offer of a movie at his place (no red flags). We attempted to watch the movie. It was interrupted by cuddling, a bit of kissing and falling asleep, by both of us.

 

We finished watching the movie and I left, we both had other plans. He promised to call later. He texted me a little while later to check if I got home safely (aww).

 

I got home and I was a little confused.

 

I spent maybe 5 hours with him today between lunch and the movie. Conversation was good (though he is a little phone obsessed, like many people in my age group.). Not too many awkward spots. He's attractive and the right age group for me (1 year older). He opens doors (which is something I really like!). He's affectionate. We have a similar quirky sense of humor. We have some interests in common, and made tentative plans to go to a museum soon. We thought of other stuff we could do together.

 

He seems to have close relationships with friends and family. I felt comfortable enough around him to go watch a movie. We have chemistry, sexual and personality. He made it clear he is attracted to me.

 

What I am on the fence about? He has kids. And there is something I am not completely sure about.

 

He seems like a pretty good fit on paper! At least for the short term. Not so sure what my hesitation is.

 

Also, not sure when we are meeting up again. But that is my fault, I am pretty booked over the next few days.

 

What do you think? I am I just being oddly hesitant? Not sure what is wrong though nothing is obviously so.

 

Sometimes, there isn't an explanation for it. I've met many guys who were perfect "on paper" but in reality, one or both of us just wasn't feeling it. You try, and either you keep trying to see if the chemistry develops, or you move on. That's all you can do.

[smackie9]

You can offer a FWB situation so you can be detached from his life as a parent.

[candie13]

well, it's very obvious what's going on. You are emotionally unavailable, because of your crush. So you need to decide if you really want to move on or not. If you've had enough of waiting around, then cut all contact with the crush and focus on dating.

 

As for the new guy... he's just one guy you barely met. What did you expect, fireworks? Attraction takes time to build and it has to do with sexual tension and with trust. Well, you've already been to the guy's place, so the tension is pretty much out...

 

I dunno, OP, it's just ONE man. I personally need 3 to 4 weeks to get my head around a dude - not having early sex. It took me a while to realize it, so yeah... anyways. see other men, compare and contrast, see who sticks around, who calls, with whom you connect better..

 

I get the feeling that you compare new guy to your crush and are disappointed that the new guy doesn't have the same effect on you as the crush - or similarly to him...

 

can't have your cake and eat it too, OP. Clean up the mess and focus on what you really really want: sex? attraction? fireworks? being swept off your feet? a relationship?

 

Until you've figured out what you want, you can't possibly find it. You'll be too lucky. It just doesn't work that way.

[Snakechammah]

Story of my life!! You just wrote a page of my diary!

 

I was in the exact same position as you, babe! I had a crush on this idiot from work for like 10 months, we flirted and he asked me out - but no follow up.

 

I was sooo bummed I took 2 weeks off work so I didn't need to see him. (there is no way I would ever make the first move so I sulked instead).

 

In that 2 weeks, I signed back into OLD and this French dude messaged me. He was interested and we went on our first date a week later.

 

What you wrote was basically how I felt during the first date. I looked at him wishing it was my crush instead. It was a terrible way to start anything.

 

But he was nice, polite, like everything you described for your OLD dude. I gave it chance and went out with him a couple of times.... and then guess what?

 

Mr Crush finally became available. He had a girlfriend back then (I didn't know) and he couldn't make a move with me. After a month (or so) after their breakup, he called and asked me out PROPERLY.

 

I went out with him. Fireworks exploded in my head. It was still only in my head as we were a bit platonic then.

 

French guy asked me out again (3rd date)... I thought why not, since Mr Crush was only 1 date. So I agreed and went out with Mr French.

 

Of all things in life, WE BUMPED INTO MR CRUSH. In this city of 6 million, it had to be HIM. I swear I nearly died. I introduced them together - super awkward - and it affected Mr Crush more than Mr French.

 

I apologised to Mr Crush the next day (at work) but he asked me out for date 2. On date 2, he kissed me and everything is history.

 

I saw Mr French again one last time and now that Mr Crush has expressed wanting to be more than colleagues/friends (aka dating), I am focusing on him instead.

 

Long story short - FOLLOW YOUR HEART. I was in the exact same position as you. I know how you feel. I am very lucky that my crush feels the same way about me and has a valid reason why he couldn't be with me. He makes me delirious and my heart wants him so badly.

 

What is the story with your crush? Tell us... Maybe with more context, we can help you figure out which route to take. The first time I mutli-dated, it backfired. You wouldn't want your crush to see you with Mr OLD, trust me, it was a feeling I will never forget.

[Zippy2000]

So I am trying on "multi-dating" to get over a crush. (Crush is unavailable at the moment but still in touch. Not waiting around for him, but I wouldn't be opposed if he was suddenly available either.).

 

 

You answer your own question. Your not 100% into him as youre not ready!!

 

I was exact same as you eactly 10 years ago this month.

 

I got dumped. Went to do OLD to move on.

 

Met a girl.

 

Lovely as she was I just couldnt compare her to my ex.

 

It was unfair for this new girl as she was into me and I couldnt go any further and didnt want to emotionally damage her for someone else so I told her I wasnt feeling the same.

 

I then stayed single for 2-3 years to work out who I was and what I needed to do to improve my life to get someone new.

 

You need to take time out till the feelings fade and until you can stop BENCH MARKING your ex to new prospects.

[Leigh 87]

Honestly ?

 

It just takes meeting the right person.

 

I had a *crush*.

 

I had a couple of crushes. That for whatever reason, could not be with me.

 

Then I met my boyfriend. Wow was there fireworks. I didn't have to think about my **crushes** anymore.

 

I found a new * crush*. And he liked me back.

 

I've tried dating men that I just wasn't feeling into. I still would have dropped everything to get back with my former crushes if they had wanted me.

 

Just hold off on dating. Wait until you meet a man that ignites that same spark as your crush.

[Versacehottie]

Oh I was going to say it's so obvious, but others have essentially said it. If you open your heart completely to this one, it means closing it off to your crush, which can make you sad and hesitant. You might truly not be ready or you may be hanging onto hopes of the crush turning into something so letting go of those hopes is really tough!

 

I met a great guy once but I was still hoping something would happen with my crush/guy with bad timing. I was literally excited about the new guy and bummed at the same time because I knew dating him would risk dashing all my hopes for my crush and me. It was as weird push/pull thing in my head for a couple of weeks. I was so excited about the new guy but praying that that my crush would do something in time! Same as your situation I would imagine, you have a lot invested in your crush but not much invested in your new guy.

 

I say you still go out with new guy a few more times just space it out so you have the space to process it. And really see him for who he is rather than letting him represent the loss of some of your dreams too. Good luck

[seekingluck]

 

Long story short - FOLLOW YOUR HEART. I was in the exact same position as you. I know how you feel. I am very lucky that my crush feels the same way about me and has a valid reason why he couldn't be with me. He makes me delirious and my heart wants him so badly.

 

What is the story with your crush? Tell us... Maybe with more context, we can help you figure out which route to take. The first time I mutli-dated, it backfired. You wouldn't want your crush to see you with Mr OLD, trust me, it was a feeling I will never forget.

 

Without going into an uber long story, my crush is a long distance guy. Who visits where I live semi-often. So the distance thing isn't a huge flag just because of our jobs it wouldn't be hard to work elsewhere for a week.

 

Basically we met at work. Hit it off in the fall. Went on an amazing first date. There is attraction, but most importantly loads of emotional chemistry. I felt very close to him after our date. Probably what pushed me over was a comment about how it seemed I grew up in his house. As we talked, we found that we had similar family traditions and family dynamics. We essentially had the same childhood.

 

But he is/was emotionally unavailable. He had a tough few months of highs and lows (losing a family member he was close to, breakup, getting over a crush). And busy launching a new business and loads of personal stuff. So basically he had no time for anything. Which is what he told me.

 

We agreed to catch up after the holidays. I sort of wrote him off, thinking about throwing him to the friend zone. Or just seeing what happened when he comes to town next.

 

Over the past week or so I've gotten a bunch of messages from him. And that made all the feelings rush in. So it looks like something will happen in the new year. Crush #1 is a great fit on every level other than being emotionally unavailable. We have similar philosophies. I can easily see him jumping right into my friend circle. And vice versa for him. That is the next step for us. Meet the friends (it doesn't hurt he is exactly the sort of person I'd be friends with, and that is not a bad outcome).

 

It probably doesn't help that I have another crush. We used to work together. And when we met he had some ex drama. I have met the ex, and it isn't a problem now. But work was in the way, and we worked closely together. Now that us no longer the case. He reached out, and we'll probably hang out today. I haven't gone out with him yet. So I don't know what is there beyond great conversation and a bit of attraction.

 

As for OLD guy? He is a bit like crush #1. There were sparks when he hugged me. I just don't think he isn't a life partner. I could be wrong. But that is what I am looking for. The question I haven't answered is how many do I try on to figure it out?

 

OLD guy and I don't have much in common upbringing wise. This has been a problem for me in previous relationships. It can be hard to overcome. The 2 crushes and I have lots of overlap on that front which makes them feel more suitable for the long term. So maybe that's it. Though OLD guy could be a good time. But maybe not for forever.

Edited December 31, 2015 by seekingluck

[fitnessfan365]

Yeah you seem hung up on the other guy. I mean you say he isn't available but that you'd basically be with him at the drop of a hat if you could.

 

So you need to process that first and try and actually put him behind you. Otherwise, you'll probably keep being conflicted w/every guy you meet. Not really fair to them to be a distraction while you try and get crush out of your head. Just saying..

[Mrin]

Summoning my best James Carville... "It's the Crush, stupid"

 

Did I just date myself with the Carville reference? ;-)

[No_Go]

I've done that - being fixated on a crush - for 3+ years. I ignored all the men around me, finally lost my virginity to a guy that I found interesting but never fell for - because I was fixating on my crush. Even now - many years later - I'm still bitter thinking that he chose this other woman, just to settle IMO.

 

Well don't repeat my example. When you date think about the present guy not a firmer crush. It's not fair to the people that you date, and will only render you unable to connect.

[xcupid]

Give it a chance. Get to know him.

[seekingluck]

I know I have some unresolved feelings for Mr. Crush. And I told myself I didn't want the same thing to happen with the last guy I had similar feelings for. So I do need to clear the air with him, and mostly figure out what his purpose was in my life.

 

I know part of it was to help me become more emotionally available. Generally I don't open up to people easily. And I opened up to him a lot. I just want to know if there was something else. And I felt OK doing it on many levels.

 

That being said, I have gone on a few dates over the past few weeks. And this OLD guy is the first one I have opened up to on any level emotionally. I showed him quite a bit of my true self, and he liked it. (I hold back on this most of the time, it takes a while for me to do so.). He was right there with me.

 

The other guys I went out with got a small taste but weren't particularly receptive (or compatible) to that version of me.

 

I should go out with him again.

[ScienceGal]

I am in a similar situation. I recently had two dates with a really nice guy, but my heart is still with the last guy I dated... so, I know I can't date right now. My plan is to just focus on myself. Who knows, maybe I'll meet someone when I'm not even looking for it. What I do know, is I can't force it with someone new. Not fair to me and not fair to him.