trippi1432 Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Yeah I don't like the way he sees my job either. He even said "I love your job, I just cant stand some people who have it". He also teaches Music and he said that many guys who have my profession were his worst students because they were "too arrogant to Learn anything". The last guy I was dating was both a very skilled musician and police officer. He was critical of both professions, and ran many other skilled musicians off due to his arrogance. In time, he will run you off too. I would bow out now before you get emotionally invested in the arrogance. 2
campeo Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 BUT.. he'd hit the wall, trample the furnitures, and beat a box up.... but he'd never lay a hand on the family. He's also very gentle and kind to animals and babies. He is a softie at heart and always good with children. He has never hit my brother and I. I'd like to be sensitive towards your culture and love for your father, but if a man is hitting the wall, trampling furniture, and beating up boxes in front of his wife and children, that is still abuse. A man doesn't have to physically hit you to be abusive. To the OP, how he spoke about men in your field is a red flag, and he used terrible discretion in telling you about his fight. Basically, he beat up a guy for having poor manners. I don't really care how big of a prick someone is, they still don't deserve to have their teeth kicked in unless they are physically threatening another person. 4
Author GingerVixen Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 Well. First of all he is 24. He is barely adult and doesn't really know who he is yet. The bragging and kind of being douchey and insulting your career (when he probably didn't mean to) is something that I think would be expected from a guy that age. I think you should go out with him again and just pay attention to see if this is a pattern. If it is not a pattern then he got in a fight one time. I don't think one fight in his past is unusual and I don't even think trying to brag about it is unusual for a guy that age. Yes. He did back off when he saw you were kind of horrified (LOL) but maybe he was just peacocking. If it is not a HABIT then it is probably not a big deal. He sounded mature most of the time but yes, his attitude towards my job is immature. His telling me that he beat up a guy who has the same job I do is immature (sounds also like a way to show me he is somehow superior than me). He asked me what my plans were for NYE. Yes he wanted to see me tomorrow but I told him I am.spending the day with my family. I Dont want to go on another date with him so soon I guess. Not before I get to know him better. I Dont want to shut him out either since regardless of these facts he was adorable and super considerate.
Author GingerVixen Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 You know it's weird sometimes that those who are 'seems' dangerous on paper, like my kung-fu dad, is actually sometimes the epitome of a protector. He is very kind to animals and children - his soft spot - and everytime there is news about cruelty to animals, he will be the first to say "I will find that bastard and beat the **** outta him! How dare he hurt a cat/dog/bird!" and we all know that if he really sees someone abusing an animal, he WILL do it and unleash his kung-fu moves. On the other hand, a good friend of mine was in an abusive marriage for 15 years. She married a great looking man, very romantic, wooed her, did all the right things in the year they were dating, and then after one year of marriage, he started hitting her. I asked if there were signs in their dating days that he'd be so violent - she said no, not a clue! Sometimes... things are not what it seems. The quiet, super sweet one could sometimes turn into a monster after marriage. Be on guard and always practice safety. Someone can't beat you up for no reason - he has to be really mad - so don't ever get into arguments that can escalate until someone loses his temper. Sometimes, our own behaviour could be the one provoking such madness in another person. Get to know him first. Don't judge him yet - just enjoy the dating phase. You'd never know if he could be a really great guy! I agree. Some of the most violent men seemed super calm before marriage. And yes, martial arts can be the outlet for many men's aggressive instincts. we all know men tend to be more physical than women in conflicts. My cousin fights MMA which is super violent and he never hit ANYONE... But like I said he says they have a moral code. They can never beat anyone up if it is not in a professional fight 1
Samhain Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Martial arts such as Judo and Karate are very much low contact, progressing belt wise in karate is more about Katas ( which is more along the lines of a dance than anything) zero to do with violence. Sounds to me he's trying to impress you by using the "I'm tough and awesome" persona. 3
Snakechammah Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I'd like to be sensitive towards your culture and love for your father, but if a man is hitting the wall, trampling furniture, and beating up boxes in front of his wife and children, that is still abuse. A man doesn't have to physically hit you to be abusive. To the OP, how he spoke about men in your field is a red flag, and he used terrible discretion in telling you about his fight. Basically, he beat up a guy for having poor manners. I don't really care how big of a prick someone is, they still don't deserve to have their teeth kicked in unless they are physically threatening another person. Wow, this is your first post. Interesting... Well, no doubt that may seem abusive to some, it's certainly not physical as he never touched us. Yes, it may seem dysfunctional but we grew up to be emotionally-stable, kind, and perfectly normal people. My brother isn't violent. He does not take after my dad. He's a super sweet person and his wife is a lucky woman. My dad has personally taught me some of his kung-fu skills so that his precious daughter can protect herself. We have a healthy self-esteem and no family drama. My parents are still together, happy and loving. My mom is actually the dominant one in the family. This isn't abuse because none of us are cowering in fear. 2
Author GingerVixen Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 Martial arts such as Judo and Karate are very much low contact, progressing belt wise in karate is more about Katas ( which is more along the lines of a dance than anything) zero to do with violence. Sounds to me he's trying to impress you by using the "I'm tough and awesome" persona. Well, if that was his intention, he failed, miserably. Lol I am definitely NOT impressed.
hhatesboys Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 He sounded mature most of the time but yes, his attitude towards my job is immature. His telling me that he beat up a guy who has the same job I do is immature (sounds also like a way to show me he is somehow superior than me). He asked me what my plans were for NYE. Yes he wanted to see me tomorrow but I told him I am.spending the day with my family. I Dont want to go on another date with him so soon I guess. Not before I get to know him better. I Dont want to shut him out either since regardless of these facts he was adorable and super considerate. LOL! Please do not think I am being judgmental because I am SO NOT. No one can help who they are attracted to. I can see how someone can be immature in some aspects of life and very mature in others. 5 years really isn't a big difference. I really believe (especially at 24) that ALL people should be considered a work in progress. I know I am much older than 24 and still consider myself "not done yet" (lol) but that is just the thing... just because someone makes a mistake doesn't mean they will never move beyond that. You should not give up on someone just because of one isolated incident in their past. That is CERTAINLY not how I want to be treated and I am sure you don't either. I mean, just consider if he knew the top 5 things you are ashamed of doing in your life? But those things are all in your past and you'll probably never do any of them again... it wouldn't be fair to judge you as a potential mate based on those isolated incidents. That is NOT to say you should ignore red flags, I just think if that is the only one... it is not enough to give up on a whole entire person who is otherwise great. You are never going to find someone who is perfect. Everybody has red flags. Everybody. Some you can live with, some you can't. It's on you to decide where those limits should be, but for me... I don't think you know enough to really make a judgement yet. Clearly some people disagree, but like I said, everyone sets their own boundaries. 1
Samhain Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Well, if that was his intention, he failed, miserably. Lol I am definitely NOT impressed. I teach a Muay Thai kickboxing class to 13 - 21 year olds and the first lesson is ALWAYS, you don't use it violently, it's a spiritual mind movement that favours your body, helps your diet, and is never used wrongly to attack. So yes, he's using the anatomy of a martial art that isn't even an attacking sport to start with, to his own advantage to impress. 2
Author GingerVixen Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 (edited) LOL! Please do not think I am being judgmental because I am SO NOT. No one can help who they are attracted to. I can see how someone can be immature in some aspects of life and very mature in others. 5 years really isn't a big difference. I really believe (especially at 24) that ALL people should be considered a work in progress. I know I am much older than 24 and still consider myself "not done yet" (lol) but that is just the thing... just because someone makes a mistake doesn't mean they will never move beyond that. You should not give up on someone just because of one isolated incident in their past. That is CERTAINLY not how I want to be treated and I am sure you don't either. I mean, just consider if he knew the top 5 things you are ashamed of doing in your life? But those things are all in your past and you'll probably never do any of them again... it wouldn't be fair to judge you as a potential mate based on those isolated incidents. That is NOT to say you should ignore red flags, I just think if that is the only one... it is not enough to give up on a whole entire person who is otherwise great. You are never going to find someone who is perfect. Everybody has red flags. Everybody. Some you can live with, some you can't. It's on you to decide where those limits should be, but for me... I don't think you know enough to really make a judgement yet. Clearly some people disagree, but like I said, everyone sets their own boundaries. Dont worry, you didnt sound judgemental at all. I agree with you. I Dont think I can give up on him just because of that. Also because like I said he seems to be a very nice guy. However, I will try talking to.him on the phone for a few days before going on another date. Since I will be travelling for work the next few weeks I wont be able to go out on a date with him so that is when I will try to get to know more.about his behavior. Edited December 31, 2015 by GingerVixen 3
Samhain Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 "I showed him what bruises and fractures look like" for jumpin a queue sounds more bs bravado than reality. Judo and Karate knows nothing of fractures or bruises, and he probably doesn't either. If I were you I'd say a swift g'bye to this loser, since he thinks pretending he broke someones bones is impressive, seems kinda juvenile. 2
dobielover Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I wouldn't say he's a violent man if it was only one fight. It seems like he was provoked and some guys just won't back down. Over cutting in line for a drink? Boo effing who. He's a violent man.
Versacehottie Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I don't think that sort of thing automatically equals a tendency toward violence against women. I'd be more concerned just that he lacked discretion going around picking fights and was actually kinda psychologically weak. So the risk in my view would be not that he might get violent w/you but that he'll inadvertently do stuff to put you at risk bc he can't control his ego. I grew up a fighter (had to be to defend myself) and I don't consider myself 'violent' just bc of that. If the fights you fight are always legit, that's ok in my book. Some ppl have to get their hands dirty for the good of the rest of us. Yes I agree with Jen. I wasn't worried that he will physically do anything to you. But more that his hothead nature and tendency to brag about physical fighting as a solution to things will not make for a well-rounded, good relationship person. The hotheadness emotionally can spill over into your relationship for sure. It's a limited, stunted mentality driven by emotions and bad generalizations. Let me guess he has animosity toward the guys in your industry because he thinks they act better than him. Instead of just knowing that the arrogant ones are a portion of the group at most and his opposing qualities because he holds them in high esteem make him better than them so no need to get upset. It's like bitterness, sour grapes. Some jealousy, envy involved that they won't admit to. The irony is that he thinks something like arrogance about being kick-ass makes him better than them or less douchey! It's a little class war kinda thing. Which is hard for you since you make up some of the work force in your industry so there are some underlying beliefs he holds that he means for your friends and perhaps you. Who wants to take this guy to your company party or out on a night with co-workers when he is so threatened by them?! A more balanced person would realize that people are different and thus is the world. BTW, for a martial arts guy he doesn't sound so zen! I admit that the music thing threw me so maybe he just has some growing up to do. Also some guys make the mistake of trying to impress with bragging about physical capabilities--and of course with his most honed capabilities being in fighting via martial arts it does makes sense somewhat that he would try to impress with that even if he got it wrong. I agree with Jen it speaks to ego issues. Good luck. I think you can figure it out over the next few dates. 2
TheFinalWord Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 So this new guy I've been dating (2nd date so far) is 24 (5 years younger than me), athletic, very determined and mature for his age, fun, plays drums in a band and he fights judo and karate. And he has a black belt in judo and teaches judo as well. And yeah, he is very respected among other judokas. So well, today I was telling him more about my job and he told me that he has met many arrogant guys from my field of work. He told me that once, at a party where he was playing drums with his band, a guy cut the line when he was getting some drinks, he got pissed, they started to argue and he BEAT THE GUY UP. He even said "He was provoking me and pushing me, so I showed him what bruises and fractures look like" I was instantly scared and I asked " Wow are you violent?" and he said " No, I think this is the only guy I've beaten up in my life". But I don't know if he was saying the truth because I was really shocked and he could just be saying what I wanted to hear. Anyway, do you think this is a red flag?? It could be a red flag for some reasons: 1. He is being a douchebag for saying this, trying to imply " Oh I can beat up guys because I am a skillful judoka after all" 2. As far as I know anyone who practices martial arts follows a kind of moral code that forbids you to physically harass people. Or I am wrong? 3. I don't know if it is common for guys to beat up other guys at least ONCE in life because this is the first guy I meet who confesses such a thing. I don't know if I should worry about his behavior, wonder if he is violent or not. Am I overreacting? Would this be a red flag for you too? PS- That was the only thing that got me worried... Apart from that he was super sweet, treated me amazingly well, was fun, caring and seemed genuinely interested in me. I don't know if I should be worried. With martial arts in general, you are supposed to just use enough force to stop a person, not beat the daylights out of them. Maybe you should get him Kung Fu box set for Christmas. Most guys have been in a few fights in their lives, so I wouldn't worry much about it. I think he was just trying to be a show off. Should have told him John Kreese called, he wants his gi back 1
jay1983 Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I say keep dating him. Sooner or later he'll come across an MMA guy and you can watch him get his ass whooped. 4
Poutrew Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Well, from the legal aspect of things, if he did beat someone up for cutting in front of him in a line, and as he said it resulted in fractures and contusions to the other party, he'd have gone to jail, and been responsible for medical costs. Then there would be the lawyers, the court dates, and being sued for probably a hundred thousand dollars if it were only just a civil case... there are some loveshack members who are lawyers or who work in the criminal justice system who could go into more detail...so I think it is probably him just shooting off at the mouth. Does that mean it's OK? NO. He didn't say those things just to impress you - he said them to also intimidate you. It's his way of saying that you are his meat and he will defend his property against all other cavemen who try to take it (you ) away from him - so don't try leaving...this is truly scary behavior because it is him Dominating you . Next step is him telling you to change your job to one he likes better - that's Control. If it works, it is because you will be Submitting to his will. Think thrice before you get really involved with this guy...
jay1983 Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Martial arts such as Judo and Karate are very much low contact, progressing belt wise in karate is more about Katas ( which is more along the lines of a dance than anything) zero to do with violence. Sounds to me he's trying to impress you by using the "I'm tough and awesome" persona. I think you're mixing up with that Brazilian flamingo thing. 1
SwordofFlame Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I agree with the people that essentially say the red flag is him telling you he beat this guy up and not the fact that he actually beat the guy up. Most men have been in at least one fight. 3
dobielover Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Did you read the initial post? The fight started when a guy cut in front of him, and escalated to that guy pushing him and antagonizing him. Shoving someone is assault. He is well within his rights to defend himself at that point. Yesssss, I can read. Being pushed and antagonized does not warrant fighting them and breaking their bones. It's a freaking line for drinks. What is this, grown up kindergarten?! 3
dobielover Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I agree with the people that essentially say the red flag is him telling you he beat this guy up and not the fact that he actually beat the guy up. Most men have been in at least one fight. Uh, no. It's both, and primarily that he'd beat someone up. And I'd disagree that "most men have been in at least one fight." Most grown men do not physically fight over cut lines at a bar. 2
SwordofFlame Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Uh, no. It's both, and primarily that he'd beat someone up. And I'd disagree that "most men have been in at least one fight." Most grown men do not physically fight over cut lines at a bar. I wasn't solely referring to grown men. I was including boys and teens too. 1
CrystalCastles Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 My ex boyfriend was someone who had two black belts, one in karate and one in traditional Japanese weapons. He never beat anyone up and said you don't go around beating people up unless you have no other choice, like getting mugged in a dark and lonely alley with no one around. De-escalation is what should have happened. If he really is a judo guy, he should've been able to stop the guy without injuring him all the while making it clear that continued provocation wouldn't really work well. Judo does things like submissions. So you could put the other guy on the ground, and have him submit without either taking any real damage, except maybe some scrapes from the floor. Personally, I'd run the f*** away. 4
fitnessfan365 Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 1) Seems a bit out of left field for him to suddenly brag about beating a guy up. I mean it'd be one thing if you had actually asked him if he'd ever had to use his skills in a real life situation. But it wasn't like that at all. 2) Based on the situation, beating a guy up and joking about giving him fractures over simply being shoved is really over the top. Like CC above me said, de-escalation would have been the best choice. 1
Samhain Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Judo knows nothing about fractures and bruises? You know nothing about judo. No one walks out of a Judo class without bruises, let alone a fight with a real Judoka. Judo teaches everything from throws, arm bars, and chokes, among other things. A skilled Judo guy knows all about breaking bones. Well that's Bs because I've walked out of several judo classes with none of the above. Compared to most martial art sports judo is extremely low violence. 1
Samhain Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 And hitting someone for skipping a line has zero to do with martial arts and everything to do with being a d1ck. 5
Recommended Posts