GingerVixen Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 (edited) So this new guy I've been dating (2nd date so far) is 24 (5 years younger than me), athletic, very determined and mature for his age, fun, plays drums in a band and he fights judo and karate. And he has a black belt in judo and teaches judo as well. And yeah, he is very respected among other judokas. So well, today I was telling him more about my job and he told me that he has met many arrogant guys from my field of work. He told me that once, at a party where he was playing drums with his band, a guy cut the line when he was getting some drinks, he got pissed, they started to argue and he BEAT THE GUY UP. He even said "He was provoking me and pushing me, so I showed him what bruises and fractures look like" I was instantly scared and I asked " Wow are you violent?" and he said " No, I think this is the only guy I've beaten up in my life". But I don't know if he was saying the truth because I was really shocked and he could just be saying what I wanted to hear. Anyway, do you think this is a red flag?? It could be a red flag for some reasons: 1. He is being a douchebag for saying this, trying to imply " Oh I can beat up guys because I am a skillful judoka after all" 2. As far as I know anyone who practices martial arts follows a kind of moral code that forbids you to physically harass people. Or I am wrong? 3. I don't know if it is common for guys to beat up other guys at least ONCE in life because this is the first guy I meet who confesses such a thing. I don't know if I should worry about his behavior, wonder if he is violent or not. Am I overreacting? Would this be a red flag for you too? PS- That was the only thing that got me worried... Apart from that he was super sweet, treated me amazingly well, was fun, caring and seemed genuinely interested in me. I don't know if I should be worried. Edited December 31, 2015 by GingerVixen
kendahke Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I think it's something to not ignore. My dad had a black belt in judo and he never had to whip anyone's ass; he wasn't a violent man, either. I would think that knowing a martial art would tend to make someone want to avoid having to use that art rather than seeking out opportunities to use it. I'd say to go slowly with this guy. He may have been joking; he may be dead serious. Only time will tell when it falls out in experience. Be careful. 1
Author GingerVixen Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 I think it's something to not ignore. My dad had a black belt in judo and he never had to whip anyone's ass; he wasn't a violent man, either. I would think that knowing a martial art would tend to make someone want to avoid having to use that art rather than seeking out opportunities to use it. I'd say to go slowly with this guy. He may have been joking; he may be dead serious. Only time will tell when it falls out in experience. Be careful. He was definitely not joking. He even told me "I am a peaceful guy and martial arts teach us about self control, but this guy really got on my nerves". I think it was very reckless of him to tell me such a thing, however when we first met he said " I am very honest and very blunt so yeah, you'll have to deal with my honesty eventually". He also said that "Sometimes he doesn't have patience for some things".
TunaCat Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 That would be a BIG red flag for me, and I'd RUN. This guy has demonstrated that when he's angry/annoyed with someone, he beats them up. Is this the kind of guy you want? 3
Author GingerVixen Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 That would be a BIG red flag for me, and I'd RUN. This guy has demonstrated that when he's angry/annoyed with someone, he beats them up. Is this the kind of guy you want? NO. It really disappointed me because every was perfect until he said that. It is very rare for me to feel instant compatibility with someone but I felt this with this guy. We share almost the same point of views, values, etc. Then he said that, and although we had an amazing date, followed by a text saying 'Did you get home safe? Can't wait to Talk to you tomorrow!' when I got home, I kept thinking about this... Like I said, is it common for guys to get involved in fights??
Scarlett.O'hara Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 It would absolutely be a huge red flag for me as well. His choice of words, "So I showed him what bruises and fractures look like" doesn't sound like a once of incident that he is in any way regretful of. If he was actually attacked by someone, he should have known how to disable without causing him significant bodily harm through his training. I think he tried to play it down as a "once off" when he realized you weren't impressed by his violence. I don't think you are overreacting. Personally, I wouldn't even go on another date with him again. 3
SwordofFlame Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Like I said, is it common for guys to get involved in fights?? Depends on the guy. While I don't train MMA, I am a big fan of the sport. I also do a lot of heavy weightlifting, but have no desire to beat a guy up unless clearly in self defense. 1
Author GingerVixen Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 It would absolutely be a huge red flag for me as well. His choice of words, "So I showed him what bruises and fractures look like" doesn't sound like a once of incident that he is in any way regretful of. If he was actually attacked by someone, he should have known how to disable without causing him significant bodily harm through his training. I think he tried to play it down as a "once off" when he realized you weren't impressed by his violence. I don't think you are overreacting. Personally, I wouldn't even go on another date with him again. Yes. I agree 100% with the bolded part. The more I think about this, the more I am disappointed and scared. Not everything can be perfect I guess. I am.not sure if I want a 3rd date either
Author GingerVixen Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 Depends on the guy. While I don't train MMA, I am a big fan of the sport. I also do a lot of heavy weightlifting, but have no desire to beat a guy up unless clearly in self defense. Well do you know guys who have beaten up other men who were pissing them off but are NOT violent usually? Seriously... I am curious now because I am clueless about this
TunaCat Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I don't think you are overreacting. Personally, I wouldn't even go on another date with him again. OP, I'm with Scarlett on this. I would not go on a 3rd date with this guy. And I'd block his number. 1
Author GingerVixen Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 OP, I'm with Scarlett on this. I would not go on a 3rd date with this guy. And I'd block his number. Seriously, I should start Writing a book about all the bizarre men I have met in my life.
SwordofFlame Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Well do you know guys who have beaten up other men who were pissing them off but are NOT violent usually? Seriously... I am curious now because I am clueless about this I do. I grew up with some guys that got into lots of fights. Some even spent some time in jail. I won't say they were my best friends, but they were extremely loyal individuals that always had each other's backs. I no longer stay in contact with them. 2
Author GingerVixen Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 I do. I grew up with some guys that got into lots of fights. Some even spent some time in jail. I won't say they were my best friends, but they were extremely loyal individuals that always had each other's backs. I no longer stay in contact with them. So if a guy has gotten into a fight only ONCE or twice in his life it doesnt mean he is actually a violent man?
SwordofFlame Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 So if a guy has gotten into a fight only ONCE or twice in his life it doesnt mean he is actually a violent man? I wouldn't say he's a violent man if it was only one fight. It seems like he was provoked and some guys just won't back down. 3
Author GingerVixen Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 I wouldn't say he's a violent man if it was only one fight. It seems like he was provoked and some guys just won't back down. Thanks. That is what I needed to know. I am more hesitant about going on a 3rd date with him tbh... Dont know if he tried to intimidate me with this piece of info. I will try talking more to him and see if he has any Anger management issues... I need to get to know his behavior better before going on another date with him
hhatesboys Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Is it possible that he is actually ashamed of it and was just telling you about it like as a past slip up? Thinking about it, I guess that does not make it sound better... since he would be admitting that he has to refrain from beating people up. But he is only 24. I don't think I know any 24 year old guy that has not been in a fight. My ex husband was a Marine so I have known a lot of tough (douchey) guys who brag about fighting or being tough but they would never hurt anyone. Actually, my experience with the Marines in general is that many of them chose that profession because they were not that tough and wanted to become tough. Maybe that is the case with the Judo for this guy? I am a little confused though, what does him beating a guy up have to do with your profession? Was the guy he beat up in the same profession? Uhm, and if this was just some random "line" dude how did he know what his profession was??? 1
Versacehottie Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 yes red flag. *first the bad judgement, immaturity to tell you this so soon (at all?) without you having much more context on him to counterbalance *telling you what he thinks is a "cool" thing which he is too stupid to know will likely backfire *kinda trashy, guys that fight and think it's cool *hothead (ugh, doubt if it does not spill over into many areas of his life) proceed with caution 3
Author GingerVixen Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 Is it possible that he is actually ashamed of it and was just telling you about it like as a past slip up? Thinking about it, I guess that does not make it sound better... since he would be admitting that he has to refrain from beating people up. But he is only 24. I don't think I know any 24 year old guy that has not been in a fight. My ex husband was a Marine so I have known a lot of tough (douchey) guys who brag about fighting or being tough but they would never hurt anyone. Actually, my experience with the Marines in general is that many of them chose that profession because they were not that tough and wanted to become tough. Maybe that is the case with the Judo for this guy? I am a little confused though, what does him beating a guy up have to do with your profession? Was the guy he beat up in the same profession? Uhm, and if this was just some random "line" dude how did he know what his profession was??? Well my profession has some people who have problems with their egos... Narcissists and everything. Some people don't handle it very well. And my date was telling me that he doesnt like most men who have my job because of their arrogance and narcissism. Then he told me this story.. About the only guy (who has the same job I do), the only one who got on his nerves and who he Beat up... He said "the guy thought he was better than me only because of his job". I found that comment a mini Red flag too. I Dont know what he feels about me and my job, Dont know if he is feeling intimidated by it. He sounded really odd. 1
Snakechammah Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Hmm. My dad is a skilled kung-fu fighter. He didn't learn it the right way, it was more of an underground network - he was trained by an illegal immigrant. However, because he is very good in the art, he is also very boastful - much like your judo date over there. My dad has admitted to beating/bullying so many guys in his youthful days that the entire family is waiting for karma to befall him. Up to today, he is bad-tempered, aggressive, and forever boasting about his kung-fu skills. HOWEVER, he has NEVER hit a woman. Not my mother, not me, not my brother. Yes, he has a temper and flies off the handle. My mom isn't helpful either - she's the dominant independent angry bird LOL, she'd provoke him really badly, and he'd be really mad. BUT.. he'd hit the wall, trample the furnitures, and beat a box up.... but he'd never lay a hand on the family. He's also very gentle and kind to animals and babies. He is a softie at heart and always good with children. He has never hit my brother and I. So yeah, I guess a man can be skilled in an art and violent against other men (in his younger years), but can also restrained himself when it comes to those he loves. 2
Versacehottie Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Well my profession has some people who have problems with their egos... Narcissists and everything. Some people don't handle it very well. And my date was telling me that he doesnt like most men who have my job because of their arrogance and narcissism. Then he told me this story.. About the only guy (who has the same job I do), the only one who got on his nerves and who he Beat up... He said "the guy thought he was better than me only because of his job". I found that comment a mini Red flag too. I Dont know what he feels about me and my job, Dont know if he is feeling intimidated by it. He sounded really odd. sounds insecure also and not worldly. Again trashy and kinda stupid to label a group of people in your same industry. If he had done it tactfully or as a skilled conversationalist with something interesting to say, I doubt you would be complaining about it. Just because he is 24 doesn't mean he can't have these skills. Also by the measure with which he is failing in these areas, even if he grows up, we are a long way off from that. 1
Author GingerVixen Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 Hmm. My dad is a skilled kung-fu fighter. He didn't learn it the right way, it was more of an underground network - he was trained by an illegal immigrant. However, because he is very good in the art, he is also very boastful - much like your judo date over there. My dad has admitted to beating/bullying so many guys in his youthful days that the entire family is waiting for karma to befall him. Up to today, he is bad-tempered, aggressive, and forever boasting about his kung-fu skills. HOWEVER, he has NEVER hit a woman. Not my mother, not me, not my brother. Yes, he has a temper and flies off the handle. My mom isn't helpful either - she's the dominant independent angry bird LOL, she'd provoke him really badly, and he'd be really mad. BUT.. he'd hit the wall, trample the furnitures, and beat a box up.... but he'd never lay a hand on the family. He's also very gentle and kind to animals and babies. He is a softie at heart and always good with children. He has never hit my brother and I. So yeah, I guess a man can be skilled in an art and violent against other men (in his younger years), but can also restrained himself when it comes to those he loves. Thank you so much for your feedback. I will really think about that. I agree with you that men in their youth years May be jerks and like to get into.fights. The way he said it, it sounded like the fight happened many years ago. BUT I can never be sure about it. And he is only 24. He assured me he is peaceful and very calm, more calm than most guys. I guess I should watch his behavior and see if his attitudes match his words?? I guess in a few more dates I will be able to see if he is peaceful or.not? (I will obviously take care of myself and not be in any lonely place with him until.I am.sure about it)
Author GingerVixen Posted December 31, 2015 Author Posted December 31, 2015 sounds insecure also and not worldly. Again trashy and kinda stupid to label a group of people in your same industry. If he had done it tactfully or as a skilled conversationalist with something interesting to say, I doubt you would be complaining about it. Just because he is 24 doesn't mean he can't have these skills. Also by the measure with which he is failing in these areas, even if he grows up, we are a long way off from that. Yeah I don't like the way he sees my job either. He even said "I love your job, I just cant stand some people who have it". He also teaches Music and he said that many guys who have my profession were his worst students because they were "too arrogant to Learn anything".
jen1447 Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 I don't think that sort of thing automatically equals a tendency toward violence against women. I'd be more concerned just that he lacked discretion going around picking fights and was actually kinda psychologically weak. So the risk in my view would be not that he might get violent w/you but that he'll inadvertently do stuff to put you at risk bc he can't control his ego. I grew up a fighter (had to be to defend myself) and I don't consider myself 'violent' just bc of that. If the fights you fight are always legit, that's ok in my book. Some ppl have to get their hands dirty for the good of the rest of us. 1
hhatesboys Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Well my profession has some people who have problems with their egos... Narcissists and everything. Some people don't handle it very well. And my date was telling me that he doesnt like most men who have my job because of their arrogance and narcissism. Then he told me this story.. About the only guy (who has the same job I do), the only one who got on his nerves and who he Beat up... He said "the guy thought he was better than me only because of his job". I found that comment a mini Red flag too. I Dont know what he feels about me and my job, Dont know if he is feeling intimidated by it. He sounded really odd. Well. First of all he is 24. He is barely adult and doesn't really know who he is yet. The bragging and kind of being douchey and insulting your career (when he probably didn't mean to) is something that I think would be expected from a guy that age. I think you should go out with him again and just pay attention to see if this is a pattern. If it is not a pattern then he got in a fight one time. I don't think one fight in his past is unusual and I don't even think trying to brag about it is unusual for a guy that age. Yes. He did back off when he saw you were kind of horrified (LOL) but maybe he was just peacocking. If it is not a HABIT then it is probably not a big deal. 1
Snakechammah Posted December 31, 2015 Posted December 31, 2015 Thank you so much for your feedback. I will really think about that. I agree with you that men in their youth years May be jerks and like to get into.fights. The way he said it, it sounded like the fight happened many years ago. BUT I can never be sure about it. And he is only 24. He assured me he is peaceful and very calm, more calm than most guys. I guess I should watch his behavior and see if his attitudes match his words?? I guess in a few more dates I will be able to see if he is peaceful or.not? (I will obviously take care of myself and not be in any lonely place with him until.I am.sure about it) You know it's weird sometimes that those who are 'seems' dangerous on paper, like my kung-fu dad, is actually sometimes the epitome of a protector. He is very kind to animals and children - his soft spot - and everytime there is news about cruelty to animals, he will be the first to say "I will find that bastard and beat the **** outta him! How dare he hurt a cat/dog/bird!" and we all know that if he really sees someone abusing an animal, he WILL do it and unleash his kung-fu moves. On the other hand, a good friend of mine was in an abusive marriage for 15 years. She married a great looking man, very romantic, wooed her, did all the right things in the year they were dating, and then after one year of marriage, he started hitting her. I asked if there were signs in their dating days that he'd be so violent - she said no, not a clue! Sometimes... things are not what it seems. The quiet, super sweet one could sometimes turn into a monster after marriage. Be on guard and always practice safety. Someone can't beat you up for no reason - he has to be really mad - so don't ever get into arguments that can escalate until someone loses his temper. Sometimes, our own behaviour could be the one provoking such madness in another person. Get to know him first. Don't judge him yet - just enjoy the dating phase. You'd never know if he could be a really great guy!
Recommended Posts